Is it common for BPDs to ignore texts , calls etc?

[Think About It...]

Has anyone else experienced the situation of trying to contact their pwBPD and not getting a response despite numerous attempts?  I experience this quite often, even tho I pay for her airtime for her mobile!
Even when things are going (relatively) smoothly , there are days when she will simply not answer! I find it extremely annoying.   ?
Why do they do this?

[tryingtohelp]

Has anyone else experienced the situation of trying to contact their pwBPD and not getting a response despite numerous attempts?  I experience this quite often, even tho I pay for her airtime for her mobile!
Even when things are going (relatively) smoothly , there are days when she will simply not answer! I find it extremely annoying.   ?
Why do they do this?

[Bobby Tippett]

In my experiences with my uBPDgf, that she may ignore my calls temporarily if I have aggravated her. She might still call me, or send me abusive text messages. But if I try and call her she will not respond. Normally she will calm down after a couple of hours or so and then starts to worry if I'm okay, she's never ignored me for days. But everyone is different, this is just my experience. There are quite a few posts I've seen around this forum for silent treatment though. Here is a link to one

http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68733.0

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[cyrix]

Yes, it is payback for something you must have done (according to her of course).

After 3 years I have gotten ( and now married) to a stage where she does pick my calls but only if things are smooth. During the fights she is back to off the radar mode. It is extremely frustrating and I am afraid it wont end.

Normal people might not answer a call and then when they cool down they themselves might initiate. With BPD i suppose the cool down period can be hours and in rare cases from what I gather days.

[Willingtolearn]

In my experiences i have found that if you send a text to a BPD sufferer and the context of the text is something THEY want to hear then they will reply i.e "Are you free on Monday for dinner?"   If the context of the text is something more trivial and mundane like "How are you today?"  or  "Did you have  a good vacation" etc  then they tend to just ignore it and not reply. 

[OnceConfused]

It is a GAME my friend. It is a GAME of WHO HAS THE POWER WILL ANSWER THE LEAST.

Seriously, if a woman truly likes or loves you, she will answer your call right away.

[PDQuick]

Lets break this down to simple emotions, rather than complex ones like revenge, or game playing.

When someone calls you, and you don't want to answer the phone, what are the basic reasons behind it? First, and foremost, the desire to talk to that person is missing. The reasons for this can be as wide as the Grand Canyon. It could be that they are mad, disheartened, hurt, or simply scared.

Another reason for it, is to hide what they are currently doing. In my experience, this was the main factor in my past relationship's lack of communication.

Breaking this down even further, it shows a terrible lack of consideration, and a limited maturity level. If I received a call from someone I was mad at, I would at least answer and let them know that it wasn't a good time to talk, that I was all right, and I would return their call when I calmed down, and put things in perspective.

This symptom is just a minor clue to something bigger.

But, giving everyone their own freedom to live their lives, as they see fit, the other party is completely in their own rights to not answer the phone, return the call, or text back. The situation now is laid upon your feet. Can you accept that you are in a relationship with someone who demonstrates these traits? If you can, you have to accept that these things are prone to happen. By accepting this, you strip yourself the right of being upset, because you have rewarded them with your presence, after they have shown the consistent demonstration of the trait.

If you can't accept this trait, you owe it to yourself to enforce that, and stand up for yourself by limiting yourself from them.

You can't control someone else. You can ask for a change. But, if the change doesn't occur, the ball is in your court. You can only accept it, or not. The choice is yours, not theirs.

[xeon]

Actually only when my wife isn't happy with me will she ignore me... otherwise its hard not to have her texting me if she's not busy.  That whole can't be alone thing...

[Phaedrus]

Has anyone else experienced the situation of trying to contact their pwBPD and not getting a response despite numerous attempts?  I experience this quite often, even tho I pay for her airtime for her mobile!

Absolutely. Mine only texts when she wants to lecture me or btch at me about something. When I ignore those comments she thinks it gives her an excuse to ignore my texts, even though I only contact her to clarify something about pick up and drop off times or insurance info on the kids.

[OTB]

Seriously, if a woman truly likes or loves you, she will answer your call right away.

I am going to take it for the other perspective...my exBPDgf would call me all the time and expect an answer even when she knew I was going to be out to dinner with a friend, a birthday party, family function, whatever.  I would tell her that I would not answer her call when I was at an event.

The good BPD she was...she would call constantly during those times.  Leaving many voice mail messages stating that I guess you don't love me, because if you did you would pick up. 

And, I did love her, but I had a boundary set and enforced it and she did not like it.  I am allowed to enjoy a time apart from her.  However, when the shoe was on the other foot, she would say that she was busy and couldn't take my call.  But, I would call once and leave one message, like a healthy, rational person would do.  I often pointed out there were different rules for each of us.

Everyone has a choice to answer a call or not.  With cell phones, people automatically think that person should be available for them 24/7/365. 

Moving forward I plan on making it my choice and not be caught up in the enmeshment of a rs.  If they are secure they will know I will return their call. 

[o2bz14u]

This thread has really struck a cord with me. As someone has already said...people nowdays expect others to be completley available 24/7/365 at their whim.

What some do not understand is that while those who like to make chatty calls, pick a time when it is convenient for them, they never think of how the person on the receiving end is.  Nobody decides to make a call when they are in the shower with soap in their eyes, or when they are whisking a Hollandaise sauce, or vacuuming their car out. No, they sit down on the couch, and make some tea, and ready themselves for a nice long yak-fest, expecting the person on the other end to just drop everything immediately and put their life on hold, to listen to them drone on and on about nothing in particular.

Or they call 30 times a day with "updates" on what they are doing, thinking others are just as excited to hear about the latest "cute thing" their grandson just did minutes ago,  or they how just got their hair done and absolutly love it, love it, LOVE IT! I have bluntly told people not to keep calling me with mundane updates. Save it all for meeting for lunch, or something planned. They don't listen. They don't GET IT. They don't care. And they keep calling all the time. I have ended friendships over this.

I can't answer my phone everytime it rings.

I think calling someone all the time is a form of abuse. Especially if they know you have a job and need to sleep for eight hours before going to work. Calling every two hours  "just to touch base" when they know your are asleep is  waaaaay too selfish in a relationship.

I have a right to not jump and answer my phone every single time it blasts.



If someone has a legit reason to call, such as making plans for a movie, or informing a person that someone died then yes,  the call was necessary, and deserves a response. But these incessant calls where the person starts the conversation with "Hhhhhhm...I'm so bored. How about you? What you up to?" are for the birds.

And no, I don't need someone to call or text 50 times a day to tell me how much they love me. And go ballistic when I don't drop everything to call back to 'thank them'.



.

[OTB]

This thread has really struck a cord with me. As someone has already said...people nowdays expect others to be completley available 24/7/365 at their whim.

And no, I don't need someone to call or text 50 times a day to tell me how much they love me. And go ballistic when I don't drop everything to call back to 'thank them

Thank you o2bz14u...this definitely struck a chord with me too.  And this sounds completely like my ex...texting and calling and being upset when I didn't thank her.  Well said!
OTB

[PDQuick]

I once had this conversation with my therapist, about phone issues. The answer was so simple that it was stupid. 

We train people on how to treat us, and by doing that, we allow them to set up expectations. If, we answer every call at the beginning of the relationship, and make time for them, then they start expecting it. Then, when it becomes a nuisance, we are altering our own established behavior, and it is viewed as negative. That is why it is so hard.

We allow them to expect us to answer, by our own established behavior.

I have had to retrain several people in my life, and I now answer the phone, only to tell those folks that I am busy, and I will call them back when I have a free moment.

Only my mom still calls before I call her back. I guess a mothers love trumps anything. 

[OTB]

I have had to retrain several people in my life, and I now answer the phone, only to tell those folks that I am busy, and I will call them back when I have a free moment.

I went a step further with my ex in regards to answering her phone call...because everything was a crisis for her.  She expected me to pick up and gave me a script as what I should say..."sorry I am busy right now but I will call you back."  I told her if I can pick up the call without interrupting whatever I am in the middle of then I will.

I was reconnected with my nephew that I hadn't seen for a long time and we were talking about his dad (my brother) that had past away when my nephew was very young and it was very emotional.  My ex expected me to pick up the phone and tell her I would call her back.  She knew my nephew was there and we were talking.  Jealousy kicked in big time for her and she had to make it all about her.

Retraining people is the key.  If I don't feel like answering the call then I don't...doesn't mean I don't like that person, just means I don't want to be available while I am shopping or whatever.  Just because I have a cell phone doesn't me I should always be accessible.
OTB

[Eightyfour]

Yes it's very common.
Sometimes when she didnt feel like it, she didnt respond for 10 hours, or 1 week, or 4 weeks.
But I have to admit that I'm quite stubborn too, and have only made the mistake to "chase her texts" only a few times.

At the point I'm now at I NEVER text her first. I know that every day or 2 I get a text message. And I respond, or not, very short and apathically.

When she ends with "Kisses" or "Hugs" I dont reply.

[tryingtohelp]

Sometimes when she didnt feel like it, she didnt respond for 10 hours, or 1 week, or 4 weeks.

I'm being subjected to the no reply situation again ( after a smooth and pleasant time with her ) simply no response to my messages.  I have txtd to offer to take her away on holiday for a while, no reply, along with several txts simply wishing her a good day etc, all of which receive no reply .

Should I now just stop sending any more ?  I used to get annoyed with her and say so, this only provoked an aggressive reply, I don't want to provoke her .

 ?

[mmt]

i'm in the same boat.. he will not respond to me no matter what i do.. we had a fight or something? its been 2 weeks.. i have tried to apologize whatever.. NOTHING.. i'm trying to understand he's hurt or whatever but it just feels incredibly mean and manipulative to me.. sux! i would NOT try any further.. until she txts you.. and maybe try to figure out the nature of yr relationship

[Tazmo7521]

For my situation, it is and was the standard operating procedure for my stbx.  As pdq pointed out, we either accept it or not.  It was one of the many behaviors I refuse to accept in my uBPDw.  As for the purpose and length...its purpose was control.  I am currently in the longest period I have ever experienced (3 months), but court is March 7th, so it no longer really matters.

[redfeather]

Why do you need to wait to find out what the "nature of your relationship" is when someone completely ignores any healthy attempts to communicate?  Being ignored or given the silent treatment is about one or 2 things: 1) they are with someone else and do not want to be bothered or 2) They are pissed off and are punishing you... Either scenario sucks but the more salient point is: Why do we value ourselves so little we would waste even one minute of our precious time worried about this? Put the focus back where it belongs...healing the core wounds that led us into this mess to begin with.

[mmt]

totally agreed.

[Gaslit]

Should I now just stop sending any more ?  I used to get annoyed with her and say so, this only provoked an aggressive reply, I don't want to provoke her .

Yes, STOP! My gawd. And good call, knowing she will only get annoyed if you call her out. Doing so tells her exactly how she can F with you.

Stopping freaks them out. It takes a bit, but they will freak out. Imagine if you had a chick that you KNEW you could be the biggest f-head to, and she would still chase you.

Now reverse that. That's you.