being replaced

[Think About It...]

Hi all,

I have been replaced. And it stings. I am the one lying here, crying over her, hating her for making me feel like this, becoming angry for the lies she is telling and still... It hurts.

In case you want to know how I found out, it was my birthday on saturday. I texted a friend if it was okay to come join the bar they were in, and he texted back that it was a bit calm, not so ok and he would leave soon, so I didn't have to make the effort. So I called him on sunday. I asked who was there (of our friends) and I could here in his voice he was lying (and also still tired, meaning the party went on late). He admitted that she was there, and with someone else, so he didn't want me to go through that and didn't want to tell me as it would ruin my birthday. I do not blame him, he was right and I am actually happy that he acted like this. But still ti stings like hell knowing she is already moving on like this.

After the call I had with her ex, I was so mad. And I still am. I feel like in a state of war. I wish I could crush her. Sounds stupid, but the person she is acting out, is not real. I love the part she was at the start, but that is merely the mirage she played, but I really hate the person I left. And still, I can not make the separation between person A and person B. It feels as if I lost the love of my life to this demon, which is actually the same person. I would go through hell to find the person I love, but she does not exist.

I question the future. It is as once you met a BPD, your whole idea of a perfect relationship is battred. I do not know where this will take me, but I do know it took me to a place I do not know. Why do I still love her, when I feel the hurt she has done to me? This is strange. I could cry sometimes, but I do not. I want more of her person A, but I really want Person B to move to the other part of the globe, change names and get lost... I made the choice of leaving, but she forced me into it. With the lies  and the threats. Sometimes you wish they would commit suicide. Atleast it would end.

CC2

[cc2]

Hi all,

I have been replaced. And it stings. I am the one lying here, crying over her, hating her for making me feel like this, becoming angry for the lies she is telling and still... It hurts.

In case you want to know how I found out, it was my birthday on saturday. I texted a friend if it was okay to come join the bar they were in, and he texted back that it was a bit calm, not so ok and he would leave soon, so I didn't have to make the effort. So I called him on sunday. I asked who was there (of our friends) and I could here in his voice he was lying (and also still tired, meaning the party went on late). He admitted that she was there, and with someone else, so he didn't want me to go through that and didn't want to tell me as it would ruin my birthday. I do not blame him, he was right and I am actually happy that he acted like this. But still ti stings like hell knowing she is already moving on like this.

After the call I had with her ex, I was so mad. And I still am. I feel like in a state of war. I wish I could crush her. Sounds stupid, but the person she is acting out, is not real. I love the part she was at the start, but that is merely the mirage she played, but I really hate the person I left. And still, I can not make the separation between person A and person B. It feels as if I lost the love of my life to this demon, which is actually the same person. I would go through hell to find the person I love, but she does not exist.

I question the future. It is as once you met a BPD, your whole idea of a perfect relationship is battred. I do not know where this will take me, but I do know it took me to a place I do not know. Why do I still love her, when I feel the hurt she has done to me? This is strange. I could cry sometimes, but I do not. I want more of her person A, but I really want Person B to move to the other part of the globe, change names and get lost... I made the choice of leaving, but she forced me into it. With the lies  and the threats. Sometimes you wish they would commit suicide. Atleast it would end.

CC2

[LondonUK]

I'm feeling your pain - and know how much it hurts believe me. You need to remember the reasons why you chose to end to the relationship. She hasn't miraculously got better since you two split up, and you'd be wanting to get rid of her if you hadn't already done so.

I went through the same thing, and felt I couldn't live without her - wanted her back because I believed she would eventually get well and be a decent partner. I did end up taking her back, and things just got worse and worse (after they were great temporarily). She ended up making false allegations to the police that I had assaulted and rape her, then 12 hours later while I was sitting in a cell she was "trying to get them to release you and couldn't understand why they wouldn't let you go". It took months before they dropped the case, and I've had to stay strong and remember that no matter what she says, or how appealing it it, or how she just needs a little support to finally be my perfect partner etc, it's all a facade and will end in a huge painful mess.

[Newton]

cc2 I am truly sorry you had to find out about things this way...

Your anger is perfectly understandable and part of your healing process...

So many of us wanted our relationships to return to the illusion of the idealization phase.  It is good to hear you have an understanding that the positive and destructive parts of her personality are components  of one and the same person. Not appreciating this fact can get many people stuck...

How are you looking out for yourself at the moment?...

[Sofie]

Why do I still love her, when I feel the hurt she has done to me?

CC2,

 
I am sorry for your pain - I have been through the exact same process as you are going through now, and I know how excruciating it feels. The good thing is that you are already asking the right question in order for you to heal - why do you love someone, who is hurting you? Why were you attracted to a mentally ill person, who is pathologically incapable of reciprocating your feelings?
Looking into the answers to that question is what will help you get past this - with the help of a T, if need be. All of the answers lie with us, not with our BPDs. Take care of yourself.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[cc2]

HI all,

thanks for your kind words. I am working on ti with a T and I know some parts of myself. I miss someone to come home to. Drink a coffee at breakfast and give a kiss when coming home. I do not miss our arguments. It is just so daunting that I experienced it all with her. I usually say to friends wondering why I still feel like this (especially now) , that it is correct to say that it was a dream, but that they should not forget I lived the dream. And waking up is really hard. It was the best r/s I ever had and it was the worst I ever had. The doubt, the walking on eggshells, the fights, the crying game she played... Really... It hurts on one hand to see she already moved on and I pity the new guy. Sometimes you just want to expose them (atleast that is how I feel).

Will respond more this evening (at work now)

CC2

[Eightyfour]

We've all been there man.
It will get better in time, and your replacement will sooner or later also be out the door, mentally battered and bruised. And you will have healed turned out stronger and learned one of the most valueble lesson's about your own personality!

Hang in there, it does get better, and even better than before!

[chrisd73]

cc2...I feel for you. I felt like this once and then she came back. We had a child and got married. Eight years later and I am here again. The only difference is that I have to see her every two weeks. Be thankful that you don't have a child with her. You have an opportunity to move forward through all of the pain and anguish and discover how truly strong you are. When you are ready...you will be able to form a new relationship and hopefully be able to discern what is healthy and what is not. It is your time now...LIVE.

[cc2]

hey

just gonna make a stupid remark. I became 30 this weekend and somehow I am looking over the ideas I had about 10 years ago and noticed that on the whole part of r/s, house, kid etc I didn't make any of them... The BPD just pointed that out again once more. If this would have been 5 years ago I would probably have this, "move on" idea...

Now, it is incredible on how she went along with those ideas only to now show it was a lie...

CC2