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Think About It... An individual’s overall life functioning is linked closely to his level of emotional maturity or differentiation. People select ... partners who have the same level of emotional maturity.
Emotional immaturity manifests in unrealistic needs and expectations. ~ Murray Bowen, M.D.
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Author Topic: Questioning my Sanity  (Read 614 times)
sirhero
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« on: February 20, 2012, 07:58:25 AM »

So went over to the gf's this weekend, both Saturday and Sunday. Her daughter was sick on Saturday so I helped her with that situation and Sunday they both were sick. So I came over again and took care of them pretty much all day. During the day on Sunday she asked if I could help her out with rent this week.

She kicked me out last week and she knows the place I am staying at now, I don't have long to stay there. She still refuses to have me move back in as it will take time and she has given me plenty of chances before. I told her we'd talk about it when the kids go to sleep.

Fast forward to night time, where she is being quiet and I ask her whats wrong and she brings up shes stressed over what she's going to do for money. I told her I could move back in and sleep on the couch while we try to work on things, which she refused saying that wouldn't work. I told her I can't give her rent money to a place I no longer stay and the place I'm staying at now is not going to last long.

We end up watching tv till about 2 in the morning and I get ready to leave. She seemed upset with me, because I didn't agree to just giving her my money, but apparently I owe it to her because I broke her heart and hurt her etc.

So I call her on my way home and explain my situation again and try to come with something for us to do. She once again refuses and said that I made a promise to her last time we split up that I would support her even if we weren't together...I don't remember saying this.

She hangs up on me and ignores my calls and eventually blocks my number. Then sends me a long text saying, she giving me tons of chances, I never kept any of my promises to her, I used her to get myself going when I lost my job for 2 months, how I broke her heart and she's lost hope. How her and the kids will be out on the street, that I am selfish(I've been the money maker for the past 7 months now taking care of kids that aren't even mine). I throw my 2 cents in and explain to her that I am sorry she feels that way, but how does she expect me to just give her money when I don't live there anymore and I would have no way of supporting myself to eat and make it to work.

She said I'd have to really show her that I am trying to be a better person(no one is perfect) by keeping this promise I really don't remember making. After that we both said good night. She then called me 30min later asking me to come sleep over as she was having nightmares and apparently had a mini seizure in her sleep and bit her tongue...I obliged and here I am at work now with only 2 hours of sleep.

Sometimes I question if it is BPD or not, I read a lot of stories on here and though she exhibits some traits, she's not nearly as bad as some of the stories I've read on here...I don't know. I feel like I'm going crazy trying to show this woman that I do care about her. I'm going to a T tomorrow to get a better grasp at CBT as I feel that would help out a lot. She apparently still wants to be with me, but has to "warm up to it" as I've of course done her wrong many many times...sigh.

Other than that, we had a pretty good day. She cuddled with me and everything
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Auspicious
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« Reply #1 on: February 20, 2012, 08:34:26 AM »

I feel like I'm going crazy trying to show this woman that I do care about her.

This sounds like a big problem. It doesn't seem to be working.


I'm going to a T tomorrow to get a better grasp at CBT as I feel that would help out a lot.

That sounds like a good idea  Doing the right thing


Can you stop worrying so much about what she thinks and feels, and decide for yourself what makes sense? If you try that, what do you come up with?
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Have you read the Lessons?

sirhero
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« Reply #2 on: February 20, 2012, 08:45:33 AM »

I think that's my problem. I am worrying too much about what she thinks and feels. I know that I am doing the best that I can, and if she refuses to see that, then that's on her. One can only do so much. I tend to over analyze a lot though, a problem I need to work on. I just feel like if she really didn't see us working out. Why contact me still? Why cuddle?...why have me stay over, because of "nightmares".
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Auspicious
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« Reply #3 on: February 20, 2012, 08:54:03 AM »

Why contact me still? Why cuddle?...why have me stay over, because of "nightmares".

Have you read the Lessons?  Including Understanding your partner's behaviors?
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Have you read the Lessons?

sirhero
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« Reply #4 on: February 20, 2012, 09:03:02 AM »

Why contact me still? Why cuddle?...why have me stay over, because of "nightmares".

Have you read the Lessons?  Including Understanding your partner's behaviors?

I have, but I think I'll have to read through it again. I keep forgetting this is a lot to understand.
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LostinBPDland
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Which way is up?


« Reply #5 on: February 20, 2012, 10:26:09 AM »

From what I can tell, she cuddles, etc. so she doesn't have to be alone.  She may be keeping you around to blame you for her life's challenges.  At the very least, she is keeping it cordial so you are there to be a resource.

She knows you are a noble guy and you are doing everything you can.  But, you're right, you can only do so much.  Raising kids is tough, raising someone else's kids is tougher, and raising kids while you don't live there is beyond tough...nearly impossible.

Good luck with your T.  

Also, check this out:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_bind

I think your relationship is a direct fit to the definition of "Double Bind".
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sirhero
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« Reply #6 on: February 20, 2012, 10:57:57 AM »

From what I can tell, she cuddles, etc. so she doesn't have to be alone.  She may be keeping you around to blame you for her life's challenges.  At the very least, she is keeping it cordial so you are there to be a resource.

She knows you are a noble guy and you are doing everything you can.  But, you're right, you can only do so much.  Raising kids is tough, raising someone else's kids is tougher, and raising kids while you don't live there is beyond tough...nearly impossible.

Good luck with your T.  

Also, check this out:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_bind

I think your relationship is a direct fit to the definition of "Double Bind".

IF she is just using me as a blaming tool and resource, what should I do? Should I confront her about that?
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Auspicious
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« Reply #7 on: February 20, 2012, 11:02:59 AM »

IF she is just using me as a blaming tool and resource, what should I do? Should I confront her about that?

If she has BPD, she has a real mental illness.

If "confronting" cured the symptoms of mental illness, we likely wouldn't have this site and BPD wouldn't require intensive therapy.

So I wouldn't suggest confronting, per se.
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Have you read the Lessons?

sirhero
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« Reply #8 on: February 20, 2012, 11:23:19 AM »

IF she is just using me as a blaming tool and resource, what should I do? Should I confront her about that?

If she has BPD, she has a real mental illness.

If "confronting" cured the symptoms of mental illness, we likely wouldn't have this site and BPD wouldn't require intensive therapy.

So I wouldn't suggest confronting, per se.

You're right, I guess the only thing I can do is study the lesson more and just go from there. I won't raise my hopes up too high, but at the same time I won't believe it's a complete loss...not yet at least
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sirhero
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« Reply #9 on: February 21, 2012, 01:21:41 PM »

Well, I went over to her place last night to get somethings I left there from the previous night. We got into the discussion of me helping her with rent again which became mini argument. She basically restated things she said before. Promises I didn't keep..etc. Told her I'm trying my best and that it's going to take time(as there are things I need to work with myself..I'm no saint). I told her I'll just have to show her through my actions and left the house, before I left she stated that I would have to really show her that I want I am going to change and that she loved me.

Later that night she texted me saying she was mad at me, I replied with "I know" and went to sleep. Later around 1am I got another text asking to call her at 8am please to wake her up to get the kids up for school. I said I would. Then around 4 I get a phone call from her asking if I have any clorox spray as her son has caught a stomach bug and has been throwing up. I told her I did not have any and asked if she still needed me to call her. She said not anymore, and wished me Good Night. This morning she initiated contact first(normally I do).

Today I have my appt with my T and I'll be explaining to him everything and how to tackle this situation better. I feel like if she really wants to work things out with me, then doing it separately isn't going to help. Where as she's worried about money and I am worried about losing the place I am staying at soon. I feel like that is just causing a lot of unneeded stress on the current situation. She said she still cares about me. and to me that honestly seems like the most logical solution. I've come to terms that she will never think anything is wrong with her.

I have hope that talking with a T and visiting this board will give me the knowledge I need to handle moments with her, and as time goes by I hope to eventually be able to maybe...maybe get her to change a little.
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