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Think About It... Whenever we refuse to take responsibility for ourselves, we are unconsciously choosing to react as victim. This inevitably creates feelings of anger, fear, guilt or inadequacy and leaves us feeling betrayed, or taken advantage of by others.~ Lynne Forrest
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Author Topic: Is walking away the best thing to do - for them?  (Read 1996 times)
sheepdog
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« on: February 20, 2012, 09:55:27 AM »

I posted this on another thread that I found very interesting but for which now I can not find.   rolleyes

Anyway, the thread was about how we should let them go, walk away, and let them be as we are their triggers to all the bad stuff.

So, pretending that it would be easy to get a divorce when there are kids involved, money issues, etc. - in a perfect world, even those married to BPDs should step away from them if they could?  The kindest thing you can do is step away so they have to face everything?

Two more questions:

2.)  How do you step away when you really can't - when you have to see and interact with the person every day at work?

3.)  If they are in therapy and getting help, is stepping away still the best thing to do?

Thank you!
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Auspicious
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« Reply #1 on: February 20, 2012, 10:12:27 AM »

Do you realize that you are posting this on Staying? Just curious ...


It is possible to "detach with love" sometimes without leaving the relationship entirely. There are plenty of things we can do to change our degree of enmeshment without leaving the relationship entirely.
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Have you read the Lessons?

sheepdog
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« Reply #2 on: February 20, 2012, 10:37:47 AM »

Hi Auspicious, yes I realize I am posting this on staying.  And for now, I am staying.

But when I read that thread...I kind of flipped it and turned it from his side and started wondering should I be staying...is it good for HIM?

So that is why I asked the three questions.  He is in therapy now and at the moment it is helping him and he feels the need to go.

But I'm not sure if that is enough.  After all we've been through, the bottom line is that I care about him and I want him well and if the best thing for him at this time is for me to disconnect then I will.
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Auspicious
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« Reply #3 on: February 20, 2012, 10:50:59 AM »

I personally believe that you can disconnect from his out of control emotions without disconnecting completely from him.

Or that it is possible in general, anyway.
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sheepdog
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« Reply #4 on: February 20, 2012, 10:54:26 AM »

Auspicious, can you direct me to a thread or a lesson on how to do that?

I didn't know that was a possibility and i am very intrigued.

Thank you for your help.
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Wanda
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living one day at a time, one moment at a time...


« Reply #5 on: February 20, 2012, 10:57:20 AM »

 ARe you going to counseling also? this can help u understand more of you, and what is happening.
  LIKe auspicious says u can dissconect without disconnecting completly.from him.
  detaching with lov u set boundaries to protect u. but u do this all out of lov,
 IF he is in treatment that is good. but it will take along time to completly recover. until then acceptance lov understanding boundaries the skills and tools all play apart...  smiley There is alot to read on her under the lessons..
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Letting go of what was or what you thought was, and accepting what is, is all part of the piece to the puzzle  we need to move forward.


Auspicious
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« Reply #6 on: February 20, 2012, 11:00:19 AM »

Auspicious, can you direct me to a thread or a lesson on how to do that?

I didn't know that was a possibility and i am very intrigued.

Thank you for your help.

I'm not sure if there's any one lesson or topic that focuses on that specifically ... I think that as you apply various tools like boundaries, that this naturally has the effect of removing some of the dysfunctional coping mechanisms that your pwBPD has been using, which might inspire them to seek new and better ways of coping.

I'd suggest keeping in mind, though, that nothing that you do can really control what he does. You can protect yourself and stop serving so much as his dysfunctional coping mechanism, but whether he turns to other dysfunctional coping mechanisms or reaches instead for some functional coping mechanisms is up to him.
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sheepdog
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« Reply #7 on: February 20, 2012, 03:17:01 PM »

Hi Wanda, no I am not in counseling. 

To both of you - how do you disengage or disconnect without disconnecting completely? 

I'm not sure I understand.

So remain in his life but detach a bit?

Sorry, I have never heard of this before and I have been studying a LOT.   grin  I've heard of NC and I have heard of staying but using things like SET but haven't heard of this.
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sheepdog
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« Reply #8 on: February 25, 2012, 08:02:30 AM »

So, long story short:  my pwBPD had a super hard week and is heading into a tailspin.  As this has happened numerous times before I recognize all the signs and know that I will be on the receiving end of crap and soon.

He also quit therapy this week - after saying how much he loved it and how it was making things better.

He knows that he being in therapy is a stipulation of mine in order for this freindship to continue.  He was very 'cute' and 'charming' when I reminded him of that on Thursday.  He said things like:  "We see each other every day at work.  We're in this social group together.  And this one.  And these other two.  What are you going to do, never talk to me?"  I told him we could still talk at those places and be casual but that we would need a distance.  And he said, "What about texting?  If I send you a text, you HAVE to read it right?  And if it's something important, what are you going to do, just ignore it?  And what if something happens with my mom?  (He is going through major stuff with her right now.) What are you going to do then?  Just not talk to me about it?"
That whole convo kind of bothered me.

Anyway, I had posted another link and had some questions about NC but it has gotten buried.  Here is the link:  http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=168494.0 .  I have never heard of diconnecting/detaching in this way.  Can someone please help?

Also, how do I distance myself when we ARE in six groups together and have to work with each other every day?

I feel lost.

I amgoing to post this on the staying board too because I really don't know where it should go as I have to see him all the time.

Thank you.
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sheepdog
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« Reply #9 on: February 25, 2012, 08:04:27 AM »

So, long story short:  my pwBPD had a super hard week and is heading into a tailspin.  As this has happened numerous times before I recognize all the signs and know that I will be on the receiving end of crap and soon.

He also quit therapy this week - after saying how much he loved it and how it was making things better.

He knows that he being in therapy is a stipulation of mine in order for this freindship to continue.  He was very 'cute' and 'charming' when I reminded him of that on Thursday.  He said things like:  "We see each other every day at work.  We're in this social group together.  And this one.  And these other two.  What are you going to do, never talk to me?"  I told him we could still talk at those places and be casual but that we would need a distance.  And he said, "What about texting?  If I send you a text, you HAVE to read it right?  And if it's something important, what are you going to do, just ignore it?  And what if something happens with my mom?  (He is going through major stuff with her right now.) What are you going to do then?  Just not talk to me about it?"
That whole convo kind of bothered me.

Anyway, I had posted another link and had some questions about NC but it has gotten buried.  Here is the link:  http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=168494.0 .  I have never heard of diconnecting/detaching in this way.  Can someone please help?

Also, how do I distance myself when we ARE in six groups together and have to work with each other every day?

I feel lost.

I posted this on the leaving board too because I really don't know where it should go as I have to see him all the time.

Thank you.
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