I tell ya, I didn't know whether to cry or scream or run for the hills.
This past week or so has been so brutal.
I went from being poverty stricken to being so depressed and feeling like I was suffocating due to not being able to feel comfortable in my own skin and not feeling a way out or how to fix it. You know how we want to fix things quickly when they feel that uncomfortable.. well it's just not that easy sometimes..
I had no idea that money problems to this extent can make a sane person feel caa-rrraaaa-zeeeee... ? ;p and your health goes bye-bye too. Hi!
It has truly been a very eye opening experience and one that will help me spend my money much more wisely and learn to balance my funds and have a better budget as well.
I have been going round and round about my dogs and this place and wanting it all to work out and after having a horrible past week or two and not really knowing the answer, it has come down to this.
I have come to the realization that no money in the world is going to help me be more comfortable in my own skin or in my present circumstances. This is something that has to come from within and I know now that I am really lacking in this area bigtime.
I'm not sure exactly yet how to tackle this problem so as to not allow myself to get so caught off guard like this, but i'm working on it with the help of some very skilled professionals and will find out eventually how to keep myself together better and not let my circumstances dictate how I allow myself to think and feel.
I mean, I literally made myself physically and emotionally sick due to stress from not being able to pay my bills.
Now I know this isn't anything new or an isolated case but i've been in difficult times before but never to this degree and now I realize just how much stress from finances can mess you up!@
OMG>. can it ever..
But I can't allow it to. There's a better way to deal with these issues, I just didn't have the experience in this area before to this degree and it caught me off guard and took me for a ride.
I was so down emotionally that I have not had any motivation to journal or get on this website or do much of anything.
Oh, except eat. ;p and eat I did. sickening, to the point of knockin off bags of chex mix and half gallon of sherbert, i mean out of control eating. that's a new one for me. not good.
I found myself getting right back into the depressed state that I vowed to remove myself from and create a happier life for myself.
How can I avoid this from happening in the future? Certainly there will be hard times again since that's just life so i've got to be more equiped to deal with it more successfully and not let it take me out like it did.
Granted, I have been dealing with a lot more than the norm, moving again and all the changes and physical exhaustion that goes with that so that may have compounded the reaction that occurred when I lost it.
It basically all feel apart last Thursday when I woke up and realized that the phone company took out 240 bucks from my account without my authorization and put me in the red with like 4 transactions and I still had a few checks pending. (the 240 was for a final bill and new equipment for DSL but I had 100.00 credit towards that and other reward points so I didn't even really owe that much! Losers!)
I was so livid. I called them and the apologized but there was nothing they could do.
The bank will credit me but not til 10-14 days..
So that left me with no other option but going to a cash advance company and borrowing 300.00 to cover their error!
So that sent me in a downward spiral that i'm just now recovering from. very slowly. I tell ya, this move has done me in again. I was hoping and praying it wouldn't have this affect on me but it has and it did and now i'm working my way back up from the pangs of it all.
I was not doing all that well before then, trying to keep my dogs and wanting to avoid all contact with exH and burn that bridge and then realizing it wasn't going to work for them or myself at this point. That realization was heartbreaking within itself. And then not feeling well with my health issues and my lyme disease flaring up due to stress and my situation not being as stable as it could be.. then that money thing happened and I was wasted.. beyond spent.
Trying to keep my anger in check and not wanting to get caught up in the 'blame game' when we know how far that gets ya right? Who's got the energy for that game anyway? It wont change anything.. except make me feel more frustrated and miserable. at myself!
So I had another epiphany! Yep.. Alimony is my friend.
I have to just follow through with what I have wanted to do for a while now but have been too scared or nervous or whatever.. My own fear of the 'what if's' had set in a while ago and I hadn't revisited it since.
But now I am feeling a lot more courageous for good reason.
My life is at stake here and if I can have the court order him to help me with some financial support, well by golly, i'm going to be thrilled to get it!
I know getting money from your exBPDh isn't the best thing for you in the world nor the easiest, but after 25 yrs of marriage and the last 2 months of crap i've been through, oh yeah, i'm filing for divorce and alimony very soon.
There is a light at the end of this story...I promise.. like right now.
I finally got some money! whoooo hooo.. yep! I had my attorney deposit an advancement into my account and was able to get caught up on all my bills and change my auto insurance and what a relief!
What a difference being able to pay your bills can make huh?
Just being able to breathe in and out again is so nice.
And then next monday I'll get the remainder of my settlement of 5000.00.
I owe 800 out and 700 if i choose to get all my stuff out of the pawn shop but the rest is mine!
Its not a ton but enough to at least be able to think more clearly without that 1000 ton elephant on my back!
I also have steady work lined up after this month and if I can just get my health back intact and stay balanced with my life, my dogs, my schedule, my stress level, my diet **(which by the way has been bad due to lack of funds and/or motivation and i've gained weight and that of course has added to my feelings of depression and glimpses of worthlessness.)* then I can get myself out of this rut once and for all and get back to business here!
I know now that this place is a blessing but has temporary benefits, healthwise. With my lyme disease and fibromyalgia I really need to soak in a tub daily and not having that has been murder on my body.
also its just not condusive to my lifestyle to live in a house that has a livingroom and one bedroom the size of basically two small bedrooms.
and no room for my animals to really even run around. and were talking cats here!
so everything points to me moving out in a few months and watching my money and getting into a healthier situation where everything is concerned.
Just having that goal in front of me makes me feel better.
this place is great for the moment and saved me bigtime.. but the road is looking better a bit further down the line here.
And it will all happen just on time like it always does.
Lord knows that the thought of moving once more isn't anything that makes me want to jump up and down, but then again, it kinda does..
Its a good thing in so many ways that it's hard not to see it that way. My body will thank me later.. not during thats for sure..
In the meantime exH is being amicable where the dogs are concerned and i've made it a point to get them every other day even when I feel like death.. i don't care. I have always pushed myself where they're concerned and it helps me feel better in the longrun.
so after I find my new home for ALL of us, then I will be on the LEGAL board and file finally for the Divorce I should of filed for when I left in 2010 to move here and ask for the alimony I know I should be getting as well.
And then i'll put the rest of this in Gods hands. if it works out to my favor, great, if not thats ok too.
I know that this past few months has done nothing but helped me to grow up and be more responsible for myself. It hasn't been easy to see it like that at the time since i've been feeling very unhealthy on many days but the decent days are so good.
I've still been able to maintain my hopeful outlook even if my joy isn't always obvious on the outside.
This has been one heck of a month guys and last week I had my first bad migraine as well that still feels like its waxing and waning.
And I know that its mostly due to my inability to handle the stressful circumstances that have been thrown my way lately.
My sister just asked me a very good question. I managed to make some chicken soup for us and brought her a bowl last night.. (she lives a half a mile away..) and I told her how bad things have been and how horrible I felt yesterday.. I stayed in bed most of the day..
then she asked me this.."Is it harder than when you were living with H?" NO way! I adamently said immediately that i would rather live thru this 100 times over before allowing myself to go back into that toxic abusive environment that helped create the mess i'm contending with now!
I wanted to make sure she understood this since she is trying to break free from a very abusive H and still gives in to his manipulation and he almost killed her last time. so its so serious, it's sickening and too scary.
So I not only have myself to think about in all of this but the example I am setting for her and others that know what i'm faced with and what i've left behind.
It means more to me to just do this for the sake of my own personal satisfaction and love of self to know I have the inner strength and courage to face whatever I have to and keep my faith strong thru-out the process.. that alone speaks volumes, but if I can help my sister see that YES, it is possible to be alone, struggle and end up ok on the other end and love yourself thru all of it! That will be so awesome..
I pray she will have the fortitude and inner strength to break free from that horrible bondage and pain from abuse and violence.
So to be continued is an understatement huh?
I will be filing as soon as my family is all together in one piece in our new comfy home.
this unfortunately isn't it yet but were close.
It's still so powerful to be able to write your goals down before you and then put one foot in front of the other and work towards their fulfillment and be amazed when they become a reality right before your very eyes.
That's why this post is so important to me right now. I know what I have to do and what will be involved in order to be successful in a good outcome.
I am all about learning all I can from this time period, learning from my financial mistakes, living within my means and using wisdom to move forward from this moment on.
ps.. one last thing.. I was able to get a nice loveseat today for free from a friend and its like a pier one style shabby chic and very cozy.
We are so happy in this livingroom tonight! Finally me and my cats can sit with each other! Its been horrible having one big chair and ottoman and the cats try to lie next to my arm or on my head and I have 3 cats and my older cat is in the bedroom and just waits for me to go in there to love on me and put her paws on me like "hi mom.." so sweet..
but tonight even the old girl came out and we all sat together on our LOVE SEAT.. see!@ things are already lookin up! and i've got two ottomans for us as well.
the cats are running around more even! just feel the love...
Things are lookin up.. hmm.. now where have i heard that before..
thanks for listening.. and thank you for all your support.. love 1bg