This has been the hardest week ever.

[Think About It...]

I tell ya, I didn't know whether to cry or scream or run for the hills.
This past week or so has been so brutal.
I went from being poverty stricken to being so depressed and feeling like I was suffocating due to not being able to feel comfortable in my own skin and not feeling a way out or how to fix it. You know how we want to fix things quickly when they feel that uncomfortable.. well it's just not that easy sometimes..

I had no idea that money problems to this extent can make a sane person feel caa-rrraaaa-zeeeee... ? ;p     and your health goes bye-bye too. Hi!

It has truly been a very eye opening experience and one that will help me spend my money much more wisely and learn to balance my funds and have a better budget as well.

I have been going round and round about my dogs and this place and wanting it all to work out and after having a horrible past week or two and not really knowing the answer, it has come down to this.

I have come to the realization that no money in the world is going to help me be more comfortable in my own skin or in my present circumstances. This is something that has to come from within and I know now that I am really lacking in this area bigtime.

I'm not sure exactly yet how to tackle this problem so as to not allow myself to get so caught off guard like this, but i'm working on it with the help of some very skilled professionals and will find out eventually how to keep myself together better and not let my circumstances dictate how I allow myself to think and feel.

I mean, I literally made myself physically and emotionally sick due to stress from not being able to pay my bills.
Now I know this isn't anything new or an isolated case but i've been in difficult times before but never to this degree and now I realize just how much stress from finances can mess you up!@
OMG>. can it ever..

But I can't allow it to.  There's a better way to deal with these issues, I just didn't have the experience in this area before to this degree and it caught me off guard and took me for a ride.  

I was so down emotionally that I have not had any motivation to journal or get on this website or do much of anything.
Oh, except eat. ;p   and eat I did.  sickening, to the point of knockin off bags of chex mix and half gallon of sherbert, i mean out of control eating.  that's a new one for me.   not good.

I found myself getting right back into the depressed state that I vowed to remove myself from and create a happier life for myself.

How can I avoid this from happening in the future?  Certainly there will be hard times again since that's just life so i've got to be more equiped to deal with it more successfully and not let it take me out like it did.

Granted, I have been dealing with a lot more than the norm, moving again and all the changes and physical exhaustion that goes with that so that may have compounded the reaction that occurred when I lost it.

It basically all feel apart last Thursday when I woke up and realized that the phone company took out 240 bucks from my account without my authorization and put me in the red with like 4 transactions and I still had a few checks pending.  (the 240 was for a final bill and new equipment for DSL but I had 100.00 credit towards that and other reward points so I didn't even really owe that much! Losers!)

I was so livid.  I called them and the apologized but there was nothing they could do.

The bank will credit me but not til 10-14 days..
So that left me with no other option but going to a cash advance company and borrowing 300.00 to cover their error!

So that sent me in a downward spiral that i'm just now recovering from. very slowly.  I tell ya, this move has done me in again.  I was hoping and praying it wouldn't have this affect on me but it has and it did and now i'm working my way back up from the pangs of it all.

I was not doing all that well before then, trying to keep my dogs and wanting to avoid all contact with exH and burn that bridge and then realizing it wasn't going to work for them or myself at this point.   That realization was heartbreaking within itself.  And then not feeling well with my health issues and my lyme disease flaring up due to stress and my situation not being as stable as it could be..   then that money thing happened and I was wasted..  beyond spent.

Trying to keep my anger in check and not wanting to get caught up in the 'blame game' when we know how far that gets ya right?   Who's got the energy for that game anyway?  It wont change anything.. except make me feel more frustrated and miserable.  at myself!

So I had another epiphany! Yep..   Alimony is my friend.  
I have to just follow through with what I have wanted to do for a while now but have been too scared or nervous or whatever.. My own fear of the 'what if's' had set in a while ago and I hadn't revisited it since.
But now I am feeling a lot more courageous for good reason.
My life is at stake here and if I can have the court order him to help me with some financial support, well by golly, i'm going to be thrilled to get it!

I know getting money from your exBPDh isn't the best thing for you in the world nor the easiest, but after 25 yrs of marriage and the last 2 months of crap i've been through, oh yeah, i'm filing for divorce and alimony very soon.

There is a light at the end of this story...I promise.. like right now.

I finally got some money!  whoooo hooo.. yep!  I had my attorney deposit an advancement into my account and was able to get caught up on all my bills and change my auto insurance and what a relief!
What a difference being able to pay your bills can make huh?
Just being able to breathe in and out again is so nice.

And then next monday I'll get the remainder of my settlement of 5000.00.  
I owe 800 out and 700 if i choose to get all my stuff out of the pawn shop but the rest is mine!

Its not a ton but enough to at least be able to think more clearly without that 1000 ton elephant on my back!

I also have steady work lined up after this month and if I can just get my health back intact and stay balanced with my life, my dogs, my schedule, my stress level, my diet **(which by the way has been bad due to lack of funds and/or motivation and i've gained weight and that of course has added to my feelings of depression and glimpses of worthlessness.)* then I can get myself out of this rut once and for all and get back to business here!

I know now that this place is a blessing but has temporary benefits, healthwise.  With my lyme disease and fibromyalgia I really need to soak in a tub daily and not having that has been murder on my body.

also its just not condusive to my lifestyle to live in a house that has a livingroom and one bedroom the size of basically two small bedrooms.
and no room for my animals to really even run around. and were talking cats here!

so everything points to me moving out in a few months and watching my money and getting into a healthier situation where everything is concerned.
Just having that goal in front of me makes me feel better.

this place is great for the moment and saved me bigtime.. but the road is looking better a bit further down the line here.
And it will all happen just on time like it always does.

Lord knows that the thought of moving once more isn't anything that makes me want to jump up and down, but then again, it kinda does..
Its a good thing in so many ways that it's hard not to see it that way. My body will thank me later..  not during thats for sure..

In the meantime exH is being amicable where the dogs are concerned and i've made it a point to get them every other day even when I feel like death.. i don't care.  I have always pushed myself where they're concerned and it helps me feel better in the longrun.

so after I find my new home for ALL of us, then I will be on the LEGAL board and file finally for the Divorce I should of filed for when I left in 2010 to move here and ask for the alimony I know I should be getting as well.

And then i'll put the rest of this in Gods hands. if it works out to my favor, great, if not thats ok too.

I know that this past few months has done nothing but helped me to grow up and be more responsible for myself.  It hasn't been easy to see it like that at the time since i've been feeling very unhealthy on many days but the decent days are so good.

I've still been able to maintain my hopeful outlook even if my joy isn't always obvious on the outside.

This has been one heck of a month guys and last week I had my first bad migraine as well that still feels like its waxing and waning.

And I know that its mostly due to my inability to handle the stressful circumstances that have been thrown my way lately.

My sister just asked me a very good question.  I managed to make some chicken soup for us and brought her a bowl last night.. (she lives a half a mile away..) and I told her how bad things have been and how horrible I felt yesterday.. I stayed in bed most of the day..

then she asked me this.."Is it harder than when you were living with H?"  NO way!   I adamently said immediately that i would rather live thru this 100 times over before allowing myself to go back into that toxic abusive environment that helped create the mess i'm contending with now!

I wanted to make sure she understood this since she is trying to break free from a very abusive H and still gives in to his manipulation and he almost killed her last time.  so its so serious, it's sickening and too scary.

So I not only have myself to think about in all of this but the example I am setting for her and others that know what i'm faced with and what i've left behind.  

It means more to me to just do this for the sake of my own personal satisfaction and love of self to know I have the inner strength and courage to face whatever I have to and keep my faith strong thru-out the process.. that alone speaks volumes, but if I can help my sister see that YES, it is possible to be alone, struggle and end up ok on the other end and love yourself thru all of it! That will be so awesome..

I pray she will have the fortitude and inner strength to break free from that horrible bondage and pain from abuse and violence.

So to be continued is an understatement huh?    
I will be filing as soon as my family is all together in one piece in our new comfy home.
this unfortunately isn't it yet but were close.

It's still so powerful to be able to write your goals down before you and then put one foot in front of the other and work towards their fulfillment and be amazed when they become a reality right before your very eyes.

That's why this post is so important to me right now.  I know what I have to do and what will be involved in order to be successful in a good outcome.
I am all about learning all I can from this time period, learning from my financial mistakes, living within my means and using wisdom to move forward from this moment on.

ps.. one last thing.. I was able to get a nice loveseat today for free from a friend and its like a pier one style shabby chic and very cozy.

We are so happy in this livingroom tonight! Finally me and my cats can sit with each other!    Its been horrible having one big chair and ottoman and the cats try to lie next to my arm or on my head and I have 3 cats and my older cat is in the bedroom and just waits for me to go in there to love on me and put her paws on me like  "hi mom.."   so sweet..
but tonight even the old girl came out and we all sat together on our LOVE SEAT.. see!@ things are already lookin up! and i've got two ottomans for us as well.
the cats are running around more even!  just feel the love...  

Things are lookin up..    hmm.. now where have i heard that before..


thanks for listening..  and thank you for all your support.. love 1bg

[1bravegirl]

I tell ya, I didn't know whether to cry or scream or run for the hills.
This past week or so has been so brutal.
I went from being poverty stricken to being so depressed and feeling like I was suffocating due to not being able to feel comfortable in my own skin and not feeling a way out or how to fix it. You know how we want to fix things quickly when they feel that uncomfortable.. well it's just not that easy sometimes..

I had no idea that money problems to this extent can make a sane person feel caa-rrraaaa-zeeeee... ? ;p     and your health goes bye-bye too. Hi!

It has truly been a very eye opening experience and one that will help me spend my money much more wisely and learn to balance my funds and have a better budget as well.

I have been going round and round about my dogs and this place and wanting it all to work out and after having a horrible past week or two and not really knowing the answer, it has come down to this.

I have come to the realization that no money in the world is going to help me be more comfortable in my own skin or in my present circumstances. This is something that has to come from within and I know now that I am really lacking in this area bigtime.

I'm not sure exactly yet how to tackle this problem so as to not allow myself to get so caught off guard like this, but i'm working on it with the help of some very skilled professionals and will find out eventually how to keep myself together better and not let my circumstances dictate how I allow myself to think and feel.

I mean, I literally made myself physically and emotionally sick due to stress from not being able to pay my bills.
Now I know this isn't anything new or an isolated case but i've been in difficult times before but never to this degree and now I realize just how much stress from finances can mess you up!@
OMG>. can it ever..

But I can't allow it to.  There's a better way to deal with these issues, I just didn't have the experience in this area before to this degree and it caught me off guard and took me for a ride.  

I was so down emotionally that I have not had any motivation to journal or get on this website or do much of anything.
Oh, except eat. ;p   and eat I did.  sickening, to the point of knockin off bags of chex mix and half gallon of sherbert, i mean out of control eating.  that's a new one for me.   not good.

I found myself getting right back into the depressed state that I vowed to remove myself from and create a happier life for myself.

How can I avoid this from happening in the future?  Certainly there will be hard times again since that's just life so i've got to be more equiped to deal with it more successfully and not let it take me out like it did.

Granted, I have been dealing with a lot more than the norm, moving again and all the changes and physical exhaustion that goes with that so that may have compounded the reaction that occurred when I lost it.

It basically all feel apart last Thursday when I woke up and realized that the phone company took out 240 bucks from my account without my authorization and put me in the red with like 4 transactions and I still had a few checks pending.  (the 240 was for a final bill and new equipment for DSL but I had 100.00 credit towards that and other reward points so I didn't even really owe that much! Losers!)

I was so livid.  I called them and the apologized but there was nothing they could do.

The bank will credit me but not til 10-14 days..
So that left me with no other option but going to a cash advance company and borrowing 300.00 to cover their error!

So that sent me in a downward spiral that i'm just now recovering from. very slowly.  I tell ya, this move has done me in again.  I was hoping and praying it wouldn't have this affect on me but it has and it did and now i'm working my way back up from the pangs of it all.

I was not doing all that well before then, trying to keep my dogs and wanting to avoid all contact with exH and burn that bridge and then realizing it wasn't going to work for them or myself at this point.   That realization was heartbreaking within itself.  And then not feeling well with my health issues and my lyme disease flaring up due to stress and my situation not being as stable as it could be..   then that money thing happened and I was wasted..  beyond spent.

Trying to keep my anger in check and not wanting to get caught up in the 'blame game' when we know how far that gets ya right?   Who's got the energy for that game anyway?  It wont change anything.. except make me feel more frustrated and miserable.  at myself!

So I had another epiphany! Yep..   Alimony is my friend.  
I have to just follow through with what I have wanted to do for a while now but have been too scared or nervous or whatever.. My own fear of the 'what if's' had set in a while ago and I hadn't revisited it since.
But now I am feeling a lot more courageous for good reason.
My life is at stake here and if I can have the court order him to help me with some financial support, well by golly, i'm going to be thrilled to get it!

I know getting money from your exBPDh isn't the best thing for you in the world nor the easiest, but after 25 yrs of marriage and the last 2 months of crap i've been through, oh yeah, i'm filing for divorce and alimony very soon.

There is a light at the end of this story...I promise.. like right now.

I finally got some money!  whoooo hooo.. yep!  I had my attorney deposit an advancement into my account and was able to get caught up on all my bills and change my auto insurance and what a relief!
What a difference being able to pay your bills can make huh?
Just being able to breathe in and out again is so nice.

And then next monday I'll get the remainder of my settlement of 5000.00.  
I owe 800 out and 700 if i choose to get all my stuff out of the pawn shop but the rest is mine!

Its not a ton but enough to at least be able to think more clearly without that 1000 ton elephant on my back!

I also have steady work lined up after this month and if I can just get my health back intact and stay balanced with my life, my dogs, my schedule, my stress level, my diet **(which by the way has been bad due to lack of funds and/or motivation and i've gained weight and that of course has added to my feelings of depression and glimpses of worthlessness.)* then I can get myself out of this rut once and for all and get back to business here!

I know now that this place is a blessing but has temporary benefits, healthwise.  With my lyme disease and fibromyalgia I really need to soak in a tub daily and not having that has been murder on my body.

also its just not condusive to my lifestyle to live in a house that has a livingroom and one bedroom the size of basically two small bedrooms.
and no room for my animals to really even run around. and were talking cats here!

so everything points to me moving out in a few months and watching my money and getting into a healthier situation where everything is concerned.
Just having that goal in front of me makes me feel better.

this place is great for the moment and saved me bigtime.. but the road is looking better a bit further down the line here.
And it will all happen just on time like it always does.

Lord knows that the thought of moving once more isn't anything that makes me want to jump up and down, but then again, it kinda does..
Its a good thing in so many ways that it's hard not to see it that way. My body will thank me later..  not during thats for sure..

In the meantime exH is being amicable where the dogs are concerned and i've made it a point to get them every other day even when I feel like death.. i don't care.  I have always pushed myself where they're concerned and it helps me feel better in the longrun.

so after I find my new home for ALL of us, then I will be on the LEGAL board and file finally for the Divorce I should of filed for when I left in 2010 to move here and ask for the alimony I know I should be getting as well.

And then i'll put the rest of this in Gods hands. if it works out to my favor, great, if not thats ok too.

I know that this past few months has done nothing but helped me to grow up and be more responsible for myself.  It hasn't been easy to see it like that at the time since i've been feeling very unhealthy on many days but the decent days are so good.

I've still been able to maintain my hopeful outlook even if my joy isn't always obvious on the outside.

This has been one heck of a month guys and last week I had my first bad migraine as well that still feels like its waxing and waning.

And I know that its mostly due to my inability to handle the stressful circumstances that have been thrown my way lately.

My sister just asked me a very good question.  I managed to make some chicken soup for us and brought her a bowl last night.. (she lives a half a mile away..) and I told her how bad things have been and how horrible I felt yesterday.. I stayed in bed most of the day..

then she asked me this.."Is it harder than when you were living with H?"  NO way!   I adamently said immediately that i would rather live thru this 100 times over before allowing myself to go back into that toxic abusive environment that helped create the mess i'm contending with now!

I wanted to make sure she understood this since she is trying to break free from a very abusive H and still gives in to his manipulation and he almost killed her last time.  so its so serious, it's sickening and too scary.

So I not only have myself to think about in all of this but the example I am setting for her and others that know what i'm faced with and what i've left behind.  

It means more to me to just do this for the sake of my own personal satisfaction and love of self to know I have the inner strength and courage to face whatever I have to and keep my faith strong thru-out the process.. that alone speaks volumes, but if I can help my sister see that YES, it is possible to be alone, struggle and end up ok on the other end and love yourself thru all of it! That will be so awesome..

I pray she will have the fortitude and inner strength to break free from that horrible bondage and pain from abuse and violence.

So to be continued is an understatement huh?    
I will be filing as soon as my family is all together in one piece in our new comfy home.
this unfortunately isn't it yet but were close.

It's still so powerful to be able to write your goals down before you and then put one foot in front of the other and work towards their fulfillment and be amazed when they become a reality right before your very eyes.

That's why this post is so important to me right now.  I know what I have to do and what will be involved in order to be successful in a good outcome.
I am all about learning all I can from this time period, learning from my financial mistakes, living within my means and using wisdom to move forward from this moment on.

ps.. one last thing.. I was able to get a nice loveseat today for free from a friend and its like a pier one style shabby chic and very cozy.

We are so happy in this livingroom tonight! Finally me and my cats can sit with each other!    Its been horrible having one big chair and ottoman and the cats try to lie next to my arm or on my head and I have 3 cats and my older cat is in the bedroom and just waits for me to go in there to love on me and put her paws on me like  "hi mom.."   so sweet..
but tonight even the old girl came out and we all sat together on our LOVE SEAT.. see!@ things are already lookin up! and i've got two ottomans for us as well.
the cats are running around more even!  just feel the love...  

Things are lookin up..    hmm.. now where have i heard that before..


thanks for listening..  and thank you for all your support.. love 1bg

[1bravegirl]

If anyone has any suggestions for me during this period, please feel free to chime in and help a sista out...

You know how much I love to hear from you all out there.

It makes such a difference to feel that support and know your not alone and that others can empathize with your struggles and have your back!

Thanks in advance..   

I'm feeling a little alone lately, maybe that's why I am asking for your words of support here.  I know at times I sound like a strong Sequoia Tree but i'm really a little weeping willow inside many times during the day.. and could really use the connection with you guys that know me and my story.

love you and thanks again..    1bg 

[VL15]

1bg,

Hats off to you.

Hang in there - they say the darkest part of the night is the last part, just before dawn, when a new day is around the corner.

XOX

[VL15]

i hope you are taking anti-depressants.

thats the only advice I have for now 

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[1bravegirl]

Thanks so much VL...
Oh yeah, never miss a dose! are you kidding me..   I am so committed to getting thru this that I have not one but three therapists all a phone call away.

I have the two main ones that have been with me since early 2009 when I finally found the courage to throw him out and they are almost 4 hours away so I have phone appts with them but do see them every 3 months or so.  I have appt s to see them in 2 weeks actually. I can't wait.
then I have a local therapist here that is getting to know me..  Its hard when you feel so close to ones that know everything about the situation and then try to bond again with a new person.  We're getting better but it takes time..  She is really nice though..  and I appreciate her.

So my Psychiatrist has me on my lexapro, and my clonapin to help me sleep, a very low dose  and my xanax for those days that I feel like i'm coming unglued waaay too fast.

For the most part, if I can keep a good hiking schedule with my dogs I can usually get myself out of some pretty bad funks. but since I don't have them at my disposal like before its not as easy to avail myself to them as my cure all..
And living alone and not being able to really open up to ones about this easily just adds to the pain of it all.

So yes!  I have my arsenal of meds that I use very responsibily and they are for the most part very effective.   But nothing takes the place of my long hikes with my best buds in the most gorgeous country ever.

Thanks so much for your support and good question!  I have been in the medical field for years and have worked for GYN Dr s and my last Dr was a Mind and Body approach Pain specialist so I was able to see what worked and what didn't thru the patients and their own experiences..   

It's nice to have that extra knowledge and have access to a very loving Dr too that is a friend as well.  I know they say that you shouldn't cross that line but I was his Office manager and patient so it does become a bit harder with circumstances like that.   Hes just a really great Dr and guy.   That's why I drive 4 hours to see him!

take care.. 1bg

[Rose1]

 

[artman.1]

1BG,
     All I can say is:  WOOOOOW!  this was a real bad week.  I can see that things are going to work out.  Just one thing.  Don't get in any hurry to change things where you are.  Let yourself recover some.  There is an old saying, that brings a wise message: Three Moves equal a Fire! 
Think about that one a minute, and you will see why things piled up on you like a Sledge Hammer.  Just be patient, and take your time, and think ahead so you will not have this happen again.

With all my love, Art 

[1bravegirl]

    back to ya Rose my friend..

Thats a good reminder Art.

I am not in any hurry or am I even physically able to think about even washing my 10 loads of clothes right now..
But thats why I said, it will all happen when its suppose to.

I've got some time here thats for sure.  xBPDh isn't going anywhere this month or next so i'm not worried about the dogs being taken from me at this point.

I am going to just focus on doing my little part time jobs and getting my life settled some, with the realization that this here is only temporary.

I kinda knew that when I had to  return half of the stuff I brought here back into my storage unit.  Including half my closet of clothes..

And most of my kitchenware, furniture, tables, chairs, office desk...

So its almost like staying at a hotel or a bungalow in the Pines for a little retreat *(the retreat thing is slow to happen but its gettin closer) and knowing that in the near future i'll be in a much better position physically and financially to get back to basics.

It all makes sense now really. I knew this place was such a blessing at the time and it still is, but for me to be in the best possible state of health and feel the best emotionally as well, I have a feeling the ticket is right around the corner, literally and symbolically.

That perfect house with a nice yard, one bedroom and a bath with a decent size tub, central heating and air and very efficent at that.

This little place is very hard to maintain my body temperature well.  The furnace is an imitation fireplace that heats this 400sqft house up so fast that I have to open all the windows to breathe after the fact.
THere is no way to find a balance here where the elements are concerned BUT>> at least I'm not freezing in a bedroom and i'm able to  adjust it as needed.

I didn't have that ability before at the old house remember?  I was in a controlled state and it took me out of the game healthwise,

My health is still taking some pretty good hits here due to a few factors but things are still better and I have to keep focusing on that.

It will be a transitional move that will help me  heal more thoroughly Art and one that I will be looking forward to when the time is right.

For now, i'm going to start eating better and now that i have some money i'm going to get my health food containers stocked up and have great soups, healthy smoothies and get my groove back on where nutrition is concerned.

One day at a time..  This has been quite an interesting last few years and it may have broke down my immunity but it hasn't broken my spirit.

thanks all... I can do this!

One thing my T just told me on the phone is how amazed she is that I have been able to get thru all of this and still land on my feet.  She said I had such resilence and frankly, I don't know how I'm still even standing.

It's power beyond anything i've personally managed to maintain, thats for sure.   I'm about a year past having any energy left in me..  i am definitely living on a prayer here..

[Salut]

Hi 1BG,

You are amazing!  No matter how tough it gets for you, you always pop up at some point as a totally sane, rationale, and in control person.  You will be OK - you have such a good head on your shoulders. Like Art said, take your time right now.  Start finding ways to enjoy you right were you are.  Depression is probably a little unavoidable for awhile.  Even a couple of gallons of sherbert may not be avoidable.  At least you went for the sherbet rather than the highest fat ice cream you could find.

And your doggies are OK for now.  Maybe you and your exH can work toward some degree of friendship now that you don't have to be in each others space all the time.  He sounds like an OK guy underneath who just doesn't know how to act well or handle his own emotions, and hasn't made the efforts you have to understand himself.  You need to be in a more positive environmenwithin that, but you are in transition right now and it will take some time to right your ship.   Do you think an amicable divorce is possible? 

I really hope you start finding it easier soon.  Have you and your sister thought about being roomies?  Or would that be a bad idea. 

Do you have friends to walk with?  When I get really down, that is eventually what starts to pick me up again.  Eventually I find someone to start walking with and the excercise combined with the companionship start setting my head right.  Maybe someone from church would like to get out a little more. 

Be kind to yourself.  Watch out for negative thoughts and change the record if you notice them! 

[1bravegirl]

Thanks so much Salut..

I really enjoy your heartfelt posts..     You made me smile this morning..  reminding me of my sherbert that I'm still eating, just not in one sitting.

Yeah, as much as i'm gaining I still am trying to stay somewhat 'health conscious' and not just lose it completely.  I have my education in Holistic health and all the research I've done on my Lyme disease, I should not even be eating ANY sugar.  But man, that would be crazy hard!
So i'm trying to cut back and really eat more green leafy veggies, salads every night and more purified water..  I mean I'm really trying since I can't fit in my size 9 jeans now.. they fall off! since their hip huggers and the belly is too big now!  uggh.. ;p   
Nothing I can't get back in a few months.. I hope!

Well, I guess this was to be expected right?  Cant be perfect forever..     kidding!

But at 48 I was doing pretty good.. and now it all has come crashing down on me..  I feel like I went from feeling about 38 straight to 50! with no stop inbetween.

But vanity is fleeting...    so I will take it like a woman! And accept what it is...  life.  And stress and all these changes can make you feel and look older.  That's just the way it is..  But i'm sure i'll be feeling and looking better soon.

I'm trying to stay positive Salut, as hard as it feels right now.. i've been reading stories about rebuilding your life at 50 since i'm almost there and how important it is to keep believing in yourself and I do for the most part.

I think just being so threw with the entire scene and going thru this again is the hardest.  I know that this little house is great for now but really, its killing me in a lot of ways too..   just not having any space for anything..
My biggest issue is needing to get back to storage with a few more truck loads of stuff so I can breathe in here. thats how small it is.

BUT! At least I'm not living in my room like before and being controlled and yelled at or made to feel belittled or nervous..  so there are many positive aspects to this move here..

I just know I need to get into a bigger place and get a tub and get my dogs back.

I don't know about xuBPDh and an amicable D..  I don't think he'd give it to me..  due to him still being in some what of denial.

Remember just last week he tried to say that his mom wanted 'Us' to take our old cat back.. I said.."there is no 'Us' any longer... if you want to take the cat, go ahead.."  he continued with..'oh come on baby, you know there will always be US..  "  I just said goodbye quickly and that was it.
Thats the only convo we've basically had in 2 months.

He only said once while I was shoveling gravel that "No one told you to move OUT Ya no~"   and that was the gist of his way of addressing all my efforts to talk to him about his controlling ways and how it was affecting me and he just stone walled me bigtime. so ugly.

so to this day he's never tried to call me or contact me (oh he's called, usually after he's seen me from dropping off the dogs but he doesn't leave a message on my cell..) or anything.
so that parts been nice really.  different but I kinda get it.

if he calls and says anything, unless he's willing to admit how much he screwed up, there's really nothing to say. He knows the truth, denial or not.. so why call me?  He knows from my crazy need to move ONCE again, that i'm not having it so if he's not ready to accept how much he dropped the ball on this one, there's no reason to try and talk to me right?
thats my take on it.

I had the dogs yesterday and it was great.. It was my best day healthwise and we hiked on the canyons cliff... OMG>> crazy challenging.
We were all huffin and a puffin but so worth it..
I need them!  they kept me young and in shape!  I get them like 4 times a week and so far when I call H is all nice and says.."Hola. like nothings wrong.. and I just say..  Can you put the dog s in the yard for me...?  and he says ok.. and we hang up.. thats all we say for 2 months.

So far its working.. I don't know how we'd be able to get beynd that.

Of course after he was looking out of the kitchen window yesterday and saw me in my tanktop after our hike..  guess who calls?   yep.. but no message so thats good..  
He gets reminded, (probably feeling sex deprived..) and then he calls..  only for selfish reason s i'm sure of that.

But those dogs are NOT being walked at all.. I can tell.  He says he takes them out all the time but he's lying.  I am looking for places daily but trying to enjoy the moment as well.
I'll be in a much better position to enjoy the moment when I get a little more stuff in storage..

who knew? Once I got settled in here and felt the challenges of just trying to get dressed and put my make up on, it hit me.. and stuff has to go!

Its a skill to live in a small place like this..  one that I haven't acquired yet!  ~ I still bang my arm and my hip, knock stuff over bending over and hitting the shelf behind me.. its kinda funny really.

But i'm staying positive!    love ya friend and thanks again for always being so hopeful!

love 1bg

[1bravegirl]

One more thing..
I loved the suggestion about walking with friends to stay upbeat and positive.

I always have made that a routine when I lived by my friends back home.
We had the BEST walks, hikes and just talk and let go.. its awesome..
My sister just started interferon treatments so she 's up and down in how she feels as well but we just had this convo yesterday.

She said she's feeling ok and wants to start walking.  I suggested that we go to the Park here or the Lake and start doing just that!

She said i'd have to pull her out of the house.. and i'm willing..
As far as roommates.. um..  dunno.. don't think so.

Remember she's been dx BPD and bipolar and has severe depression and OCD, and that alone is a recipe for disaster..  Plus she's so spontaneous and impulsive.. It would KILL ME>.  so we've discussed it and both said.. we are better off just visiting each other.. 

But its a process.. just the little energy i've mustered to have has been spent on my doggies so i'll have to be balanced and put sister first...  she needs me and the exercise and I would love to connect with her more closely.

So we're working on it! thanks for the great reminders girlfriend.. brilliant minds..  

One more thing.. I just got on the scale..  I had it shoved under my bed but knew I had to face the music and I'm really shocked.   Its the same!

Its the stinkin same weight! My weight has all shifted to my belly! Cortisol and stress..  and that belly fat aint no joke. As fat as I feel and look and i'm still 148 lbs!  I don't get it?   do you?  Maybe my scales off..   Hey i'm counted that!   148 it is!     I bet my jeans shrunk at that new laundry mat!  thats it!
well, i'm glad i figured that out..  hee hee..

[artman.1]

1BG,
     I can see things may be a little stressful now, but you will be OK.  You do still have that really special sense of humor that I love so much.  Your little thing about the scales and not gaining any weight is so cute, HA!  WOW! only 148, now thats not bad.  Don't count yourself out.  I am sure you would turn some heads as you walk by, I'm sure mine would turn, WOW!  I hope you just stay upbeat as possible, and get you settled down.  Now it's time for the hard stuff.  Working on you.  Working on the codependence, and your life.  Getting proper rest, and doing things for you, just you.  There is a lot of life to live, and work on you for.  If you start getting down, just read Psalm-23, and again, and you will feel it, you will feel gods protection, and will be soothed.

Take care of you, 1BG, Love you, Art          

[1bravegirl]

I gotta hand it to you Art, You really do know me pretty good from just being on this board..  Your intuitiveness and insight are very impressive and encouraging to read and know that you definitely understand my situation and me too..   so thank you for taking the time to know me and to care..  
That means a lot to me.

I am right where you said I'm at.  Taking on 'the hard part' of working on me.

I have been reading some of the books that I downloaded the last time around in 2009-2010 when I was really out of it and needed some emotional support to stay strong.

I have the book.  How to rebuild your life after an abusive r/s.. or something like that. And it is really good at focusing on all the area's in your life that have been ignored for so long.

Like just your personal preferences, things you may like to do now.. hobbies, connecting more with old friends..  taking a trip. Basically living a life!

I had a life of putting out fires and going from one adrenaline rush to the next.  It can get very addictive and you end up feeling like that is what your life is all about and will always be about.

But once your out, you are pretty lost for a while and its hard to regroup and turn the wheels another direction.

It took many years to feel like my life was probably just going to be like that forever, and its going to take time to let my brain understand that we can exhale now and its ok to relax..  and that we have a new life that we're trying to get off the ground now..   'it's ok..'  
"we're gonna be ok guys.."   thats me talking to my brain, my dogs, myself, my cats..  "  

So I am in a major transitional state now as far as how I am trying to cope and be disciplined financially so I don't bite the bullet and end up homeless.  I had a safety net last time with my inheritance but this time has been a whole different situation.

I am really in need of some serious financial education and how to budget my money and live within my means.
That alone has made me feel more 'old' or mature..  I had to grow up once and for all and be responsible for myself and my future. With noone else to rely on or fall back on.  

This is a first.. No mom or dad, no husband, no savings..  no nothing.
Its all me and what I can do with what I got.  How to make a dollar out of 15 cents basically.  ;p    And i'm doing it too!   with some fast moves and pullin a few tricks out of my sleeve, its getting done.

I wouldn't recommend this to anyone though! Don't try this at home!  

but you do what ya gotta do in order to stay sane and in one piece right?

That's another point the book brought out how many of us out of an abusive r/s don't have much financial means and its rough at first.. but if we can be smart about our resources, use whatever county programs are available to us if necessary, ask friends and family that are happy to support us in this time of creating a much healthier life for ourself... and just be willing to ask for help... then we can get out of this rut a lot sooner.

So that's where i'm at.  I do see the sun rising as was brought out so beautifully from VL in that earlier post, and it has been the darkest of times right before this beautiful sunrise can take place and I can sit back and enjoy it in all its beauty and power..  and so much appreciation, more now than ever before.

Just knowing that I have managed to survive another windfall of events and keep my sanity (almost..) and know that it is finally feeling and getting a bit easier to see the end results and have moments even now of being able to enjoy the time I have alone, is so rewarding and upbuilding deep within.

Of course I am nothing without my main source of support which is my Creator, so let me not sound too important this trip.  I would of been dead and buried a long time ago if not for the help and protection I have received from such a loving Father that cares about us so deeply.
It makes me want to cry right now just thinking about all that HE has helped me endure.  I am so grateful.  And the friends He's used to help me and just everything.

It's getting better Art, I can feel it. I'm really trying hard to work on my health and stay balanced since my Lyme disease is so susceptible to stress and can really make me feel horrible.

I got my SUV fixed today from the tow truck company messing up my door so thats good.  I also had a great convo with my sister about how important it is to get into counseling and learn how to have boundaries where abusive people are concerned and she was so willing to listen to that and wants to get help to understand her emotional make up better.
So overall she's doing really really good.  That makes me feel so much better just knowing how much she's improved.

Thanks for always asking about her and being so caring in that respect.

Well, gotta get things tidied up around here. I got a bunch of boxes just to remove a lot of nic nacs and books that I really don't need in here.
If I can make it more managable until I am ready to move somewhere else, that will help my state of mind tremendously.

Have a great rest of the weekend and love ya much!

Sincerely,
1bravegirl     

[artman.1]

1BG,   That is very good my lady.  I am glad to here that you had such a good time with your Sister just then.  It seems the two of you are kind of going through all this together.  It really helps to be able to support each other.  I am reading some Melody Beattie books, and they seem to force me to grow.  At my CODA meeting I go to every Wednesday night, I have found that some of thgese people are much more Codependent than I am, but I must recognise that I am pretty bad in a few areas.  One of the only things that has saved me over the years is that I kept going to school at night and really kept my own life going on my own terms, and away from the rages and other chaos.  While I was at school, she had to self regulate.  I have been noticing that when she starts getting distraught, I let her go, and leave the room, even before she starts dysregulating.  That behavior seems to be helping a lot, at least it did today.
     IBG, you are getting yourself out of that bad place you were in for so very long, and this is a really big change for you.  Well, please stay in touch and let us know if you need us.

   With all my love, Art          

[1bravegirl]

I will do just that. Thanks so much.. 

I had another decent day with my sister.  We went to our Christian meeting together and I asked her if she would be interested in taking a weekend trip with me to the beach.. I said, it's either you or the dogs.. or maybe both!
And she said she would LOVE that.  I was a bit hesitant and even expressed that to her cuz the last time we took a trip together and stayed at a hotel it was not very pleasant.

She got very moody and somewhat verbally abusive and I just don't have any mental strength for that.  I told her that I would hate to have us go there and something like that happen again.

She said a few things that made a lot of sense..   She reminded me that we were just new at getting to know each other again and I was still set in my big sister bossy mode that I never knew bothered her so much.. and she was still very sensitive and getting so bent out of shape over things that I never meant to say in any demeaning way to her.

We have come a long way and she reiterated that saying that she feels so much more connected to me now and more comfortable to say anything to me and really, we haven't had any moments like those past ones in a long time.

I think we are finally at a good place in our r/s and she is able to trust me and vice versa.

She really helped her big sista out tonight.  I'm still in need of that money to be able to make it here and it should be in my bank TOMORROW>>  so Yay@! for that.
But for today.. I didn't have much food to eat.

My sister on the other hand had tons of stuff in her freezer and set me up with everything a girl could need.  Shrimp, chicken, steak, pork chops, veggies, yogurt, crackers, tuna, peanut butter and jelly, you name it and she packed it up for me.  I got stuff to make smoothies since I am starting to make them again in the am.

She gave my protein powder and frozen fruit, all varieties.. and the loving generous spirit behind it is just her.  She is so generous and I love that quality in her and so many others.

It's very nice to know I have her to count on and my brother as well but there is a special connection between her and I that is much stronger now.
She knows she can come to me and I to her.  It's very different having to ask her for help but it feels good though.  I think its'making her feel good too knowing she can be there for me since for all of my life I have always been the one to come to her aid. This is a first to this degree that's for sure.

but i'm sure it wont be the last the way things go in this crazy world so thank goodness for family and friends and a loving support system.

I will be babysitting her dog tomorrow for 2 days as she goes to a Workers comp hearing 5 hours away and stays in a hotel.. 
I love her dog and it will be fun to watch her too. It's a little chujauja and her name is chicita..  she loves me!

when i leave my sisters house she is in my truck before I can close the door!  I'm sure we will both have a great time tomorrow. I can't wait!@

As far as my other baby boys.. I'm still working on that.  I miss them terribly and have been networking and getting the word out and seeing how things are playing out for me where thats concerned.

One day at a time.. but thank Goodness i'm feeling a bit stronger every day.   still pretty tired but more stablized overall.

so glad you are getting to your meetings weekly Art. That connection and support and the fact that you were going to school and keeping yourself on schedule for your own personal goals is huge in your recovery and stability now and in the future.   Good for you for having enough insight to see the importance of that.

Take good care and i'll be in touch!
love 1bg

[1bravegirl]

Well,

What a difference a little over a week can make!

I think i'm finally turning the corner here and finding some sanity, finally!

I think this has been the most serious split to date.  I have had more time to really think about all the pro's and con's and actually live them day in and day out as far as what it is like to be on my own during the hardest financial period that i've ever had to endure and really see what i'm made of.

Would I cave due to hardship?  Not a chance..  I think as hard as this was, it was a good experience for me to know what that feels like and how critical it is to take whatever steps possible to not have me fall into that predicament ever again! ok?   that was too much..  but I got thru it and it is behind me now!

I got my little money, paid my lenders and now i'm able to have a little in savings and have work lined up this week and next week and thru July after that.

So the hardest part now is keeping my health intact and deciding whether to move relatively soon or get a W/D for here and stick it out.

I don't want to push it though cuz if xh leaves and my dogs go with him i'm in trouble.  I don't think he's going to be able to stay here too much longer so I am kinda playin beat the clock I think.

I am feeling better a little also from some crazy weather changes, one day it is 68 and then its snowing and low 30s all night!  That will lay me out every time.

But.. I still feel stronger every day.. even if its just a little bit it counts.
I am getting my dogs every other day now pretty faithfully and he's been very cooperative every single time.

Its strange really to see him be so workable for this amount of time when he wouldn't even talk to me when I was telling him I'm moving out!
But i'm just grateful for the peace now and using it to my advantage as I nurture myself back to health.

I'm going to make it this time.  I still feel weird being alone sometimes like it just goes against the grain and my mind is having a hard time accepting it or something..
I guess its just that pattern of 25 yrs coming back to haunt me and it will just take time to realize that 'this is it' and there is no US, just like I told him..  We are no more.. It is just myself now and that still feels very awkward to even say..   but it sure feels good to be in a place of peace and healing.

I still feel some anger at times when I think back to how ignorant I was for allowing myself to fall back into that mess and have to go thru all of this due to my own insecurities but its a healthy emotion for me.
I think about it, I feel some anger towards him which I let go fairly quickly, considering the source and then for myself..  well, I chalk it up to growing and learning who I am and area's I need to strengthen myself in and it ends up being a positive message for me.

So overall, its still feels surreal at times all that has happened in my life over the last several years, but its real alright and it is high time I got a breather here and I am feeling like its finally here..  yay!

So, after I get a solid budget in order I am going to schedule a weekend away to the beach and I really want to take my dogs but if I do I know it will be hard to pamper myself and have that kind of gettaway.. so its either one for us runnin on the beach and being a total outdoorsy kind of trip or one where my sister and I are having a more low keyed trip, talking and eating and walking on the beach together.
either one sounds really great for me at this point. what do you'all think?

i'm hangin guys!  I'm at a new place though here alone and i'm sure its due to not having the 'dogs' 24/7 and how they really kept me preoccupied but I also thought about how that is really helping him as well.
If they weren't there with him it might be really different right now with him having too much free time on his hands and I also know how much they make you feel like you are ok and not totally alone.. you don't feel the sting so bad..   so that may be a total Godsend for me right now.

another reason why I am not feeling so rushed to get them.. but soon cuz I know he won't be in that house forever.. maybe another 2 months i'm thinking.. just enough time to get myself strong and recover from this mess and figure out my next step!

lovin ya's.. have a nice rest of your week!  xoo

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