Are they better suited to the world than we are?

[Think About It...]

It seems that PWBPD glide through this world with so much ease. They find relationships easily. They aren't bothered by infidelity or lies. They just let things role off their backs easily. My ex just rebuilt his life. I'm a bit envious of that. He did it with relative ease. I'm still struggling.
 
They seem to be able to separate from their emotions and don't let those feelings get in the way of getting what they want.
 
It's not that I'm upset that he got over me easily. It's that he just moved on easily in general. It's a survival trait. I'm not sure it's a bad one either. He’s living his life and I’m still dealing with the fall out of the relationship.
 
I can't help but wonder if that makes them better suited to the world than I am?  Maybe the real problem never was my ex, but it was me.  Maybe that flexibility with reality is a true asset.
 
Cheating, lying and game playing seem common place. If that is the reality that we live in. Is it I who am the fool for expecting something different? Maybe the real issue was me wanting something that just doesn'treally exist.

[Finished]

It seems that PWBPD glide through this world with so much ease. They find relationships easily. They aren't bothered by infidelity or lies. They just let things role off their backs easily. My ex just rebuilt his life. I'm a bit envious of that. He did it with relative ease. I'm still struggling.
 
They seem to be able to separate from their emotions and don't let those feelings get in the way of getting what they want.
 
It's not that I'm upset that he got over me easily. It's that he just moved on easily in general. It's a survival trait. I'm not sure it's a bad one either. He’s living his life and I’m still dealing with the fall out of the relationship.
 
I can't help but wonder if that makes them better suited to the world than I am?  Maybe the real problem never was my ex, but it was me.  Maybe that flexibility with reality is a true asset.
 
Cheating, lying and game playing seem common place. If that is the reality that we live in. Is it I who am the fool for expecting something different? Maybe the real issue was me wanting something that just doesn'treally exist.

[Newton]

I truly believe that honesty, affection, love, friendship, kindness and empathy all exist...untreated PWBPD rely on maladaptive coping skills to "survive" life...I don't think they really "live" life in a rewarding fulfilling way. Constant emotional turmoil and fear certainly isn't an existence I would like...

...and we can all choose to be with people with the qualities we value, and avoid those who don't exhibit them   

[beyondbelief]

I think the answer depends on what makes you happy.  If you don't care what you do to others then of course you can do whatever you want and not feel bad about it.  That wouldn't make me happy.

Since things are rarely perfect a certain degree of flexibility is good to have.  Yes there are liars, game players and cheaters in the world but that doesn't mean everyone is doing it nor does it mean that is what you want to be.

[avoidatallcost]

It seems that PWBPD glide through this world with so much ease. They find relationships easily. They aren't bothered by infidelity or lies. They just let things role off their backs easily. My ex just rebuilt his life. I'm a bit envious of that. He did it with relative ease. I'm still struggling.
 
They seem to be able to separate from their emotions and don't let those feelings get in the way of getting what they want.
 
It's not that I'm upset that he got over me easily. It's that he just moved on easily in general. It's a survival trait. I'm not sure it's a bad one either. He’s living his life and I’m still dealing with the fall out of the relationship.
 
I can't help but wonder if that makes them better suited to the world than I am?  Maybe the real problem never was my ex, but it was me.  Maybe that flexibility with reality is a true asset.
 
Cheating, lying and game playing seem common place. If that is the reality that we live in. Is it I who am the fool for expecting something different? Maybe the real issue was me wanting something that just doesn'treally exist.

It sure seems that way doesn't it.. if it is all a mirage how are they so good at maintaining this facade?

My ex's life was a total wreck when I was with her.  She suffered from bouts of depression, hypomania, couldn't sleep, slept too long, we constantly argued and were always going through silent treatments, etc etc

How can she go from such a disastrous life to everything being so normal right now?  Maybe she was right and I was bad for her and just made her life more unstable? 

People keep telling me things like "don't pay attention it's just a mirage" and "focus on yourself" and "don't worry she's just in a honeymoon phase it will all come crashing down."  But I can't help but wonder.. if things were going so badly surely there would be some sign of it by now!  And if this "honeymoon phase" has lasted a whole 4 months now, I'm impressed because when I was with her there was nothing but chaos and misery from day 1!

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Finished]

I was worried when I wrote this that it might be misunderstood. I'm not asking the question that many of us, myself included, have asked which is "Are we the crazy one's?" ... I don't think I am.

I'm wondering if the world makes it easier for these people. They seem to get rewarded for their behaviors.

I was raised with a certain value set that I still believe in - loyalty, honor, honesty, fidelity, honoring my word ... I try very hard to live like that.

However, after this relationship I see that many, if not most do not live like that - and they are rewarded by society for it.

It may be a good thing to have those values. It may be a nice ideal. But does it even work? My ex has been rewarded for lying, cheating, manipulating and abusing me (and others). People rallied around him and turned against me. He convinced people that I did terrible things. I know I didn't.

There is no doubt that he did wrong in my mind. But I'm looking at the world and he isn't really paying a price for it either.

This isn't about which one of us is crazy. It's about which one of us is better suited for the world around us. He may have inner turmoil and pain constantly but he was able to detach and move on much much easier than I was. In fact, he not only detached and moved on, he dumped it all on me in the process. And then he was rewarded for that behavior.

In light of that, I'm looking around and seeing that my values just don't fit which I have to wonder "Am I setting myself up for constant failure and heartbreak?" ...

[beyondbelief]

By keeping your values you can create the kind of life you want to live.  Not every attempt will be successful.  However things usually work out much better to live an authentic life true to yourself.

Your X may seem successful and in fact may be according to their definition.  This does not take away from your success in any way.  Over time your X will likely find that what worked before doesn't work any more because they ran out of people to try it on.

Conversely over time you you can build on what works for you.  In the end your success can only grow.

[redberry]

I don't think the world makes it easier, in fact I think they live miserably in this world and can't handle even the smallest obstacles that we all face without getting dysregulated.  You may see that your ex is seeming to live a good life now.  It won't be long lasting.  Eventually, if they are BPD, they will sabotage themselves.  On top of that, there's karma to deal with.  You can't sow the destructive seeds they sow and not have it come back to bite you.  It may not be today or tomorrow, but eventually what goes around comes around.

If you compare the life of a BPD and the life of a non, in total, I'll take the life of a non anyday.

[JonnyJon42]

Well from what i have seen lots of them seem to navigate the work place with a scary ease but that seems to be same with people as well.

I feel the same im always left in the dust while she moves on with in days its been about 4 months and im still not ready to date which as a T told me is fine and lots of people take along time to feel good enough to date after things like this. It seems so unfair though she can hurt my life with ease but almost nothing hurts hers she just drops whatever is not working for her right now and finds a new thing to replace it never thinking about it again never thinking of the damage she is doing to peoples lives.

I think its very hard to think people live that way.

[JonnyJon42]

your right red they cant handle ANY speed bump in there lives and they just run and hide or get ride of it all together.

Mine could get dysregulated over any little thing at all if she thought someone was looking at her she would start to panic. Someone could say something nice to her and she would over analysis the hell out of it and if someone said something mean it was all over

[htl67]

In light of that, I'm looking around and seeing that my values just don't fit which I have to wonder "Am I setting myself up for constant failure and heartbreak?" ...

Oh my gosh - I know EXACTLY what you are saying - I have often thought and felt the same thing. People like you and I seem to be quite the minority these days, and it's sad. When I find myself thinking along the lines that you are now, I start to think about what I could change in my life to be more that way, and the whole thing just dies out because that's not who I am. That's not who we are. On the surface, the grass may look greener, but I still have to believe that how we feel about ourselves and peace of mind is much more important than the outward appearance of the fun and games that we perceive the ex's to be experiencing. I'd much rather be able to sit with myself and genuinely feel happy than to have the inner turmoil that pwBPD have to feel, even if it means I am alone. I don't think we are going to be constantly disappointed and hurt, I just think that when we are genuine and good people, it may take more time to weed through the dating scene to find other good people. I don't think selling out on who you are and what you believe in could ever feel good.

htl67

[Willy]

A Narc maybe, depending how you look at it. A pwBPD definitely not.

[Finished]

In light of that, I'm looking around and seeing that my values just don't fit which I have to wonder "Am I setting myself up for constant failure and heartbreak?" ...

Oh my gosh - I know EXACTLY what you are saying - I have often thought and felt the same thing. People like you and I seem to be quite the minority these days, and it's sad. When I find myself thinking along the lines that you are now, I start to think about what I could change in my life to be more that way, and the whole thing just dies out because that's not who I am. That's not who we are. On the surface, the grass may look greener, but I still have to believe that how we feel about ourselves and peace of mind is much more important than the outward appearance of the fun and games that we perceive the ex's to be experiencing. I'd much rather be able to sit with myself and genuinely feel happy than to have the inner turmoil that pwBPD have to feel, even if it means I am alone. I don't think we are going to be constantly disappointed and hurt, I just think that when we are genuine and good people, it may take more time to weed through the dating scene to find other good people. I don't think selling out on who you are and what you believe in could ever feel good.

htl67

Ok, I've believed that my entire life. I've believed that holding to my ideals no matter what and being true to myself means I get the better life and peace of mind. In light of this relationship I'm not so sure. Is being alone for the rest of your life really worth an ideal? Isn't that a bit crazy?

I mean if society as a whole seems to make things easier for our pwBPD and, yes, it does regardless of their inner turmoil, then aren't we the fools?

How would I do this? I'm not sure ... Kill my feelings? Become more sociopathic? Lie ... ALOT? Not care on any level? Only think of myself and my desires? Exist in a primitive state of flight or fight?

As I'm writing that I know I can't and won't live like that. I have so much guilt over the minor things that I did in this relationship that to go down that path would destroy me.

How is it then that they are able to live like that and seem to escape unscathed? In some cases their lives, maybe not their inner selves, seem to flourish. Some acheive professional success using these tactics.

The world does seem to reward or at least turn a blind eye to those types of behaviors.

[seeking balance]

In this world, emotional responsibility is not the norm - IMHO.

As such, it an be more of a challenge to live in an emotionally mature manner.  However, I kind of think of it like the movie the Matrix - once you take the red pill you cannot go back to the blue pill world.  When we know better, we do better - once we know better and do not live in our truth, the guilt and shame are overwhelming.

Radical acceptance - it is what it is

At the end of the day, we only have ourselves - Finished:  you asked do BPD's get "rewarded" for their behaviors?  What is your definition of rewarded?  Remember, you are perceiving their reality; you are not in that person's head...

[Finished]

At the end of the day, we only have ourselves - Finished:  you asked do BPD's get "rewarded" for their behaviors?  What is your definition of rewarded?  Remember, you are perceiving their reality; you are not in that person's head...

Examples of Rewards:

Don't have to accept responsibility for their actions
In many cases able to advance themselves as a result of their manipulations
Get what they want with little effort
In my ex's case getting his cake and eating it too

They may not be the rewards that I would want, but it is what the PWBPD is looking for. Instead of getting caught in their lies, they get away with them.

[stonehead]

I do think that these creatures called pwBPDs do have an easier life than we the nons do. They can glid in and out of r/s at lightning speeds. They may be in love with you, but one second later, they may hate you to death. They are able to find new replacements in no time and be enjoying the new r/s, while you are wallowing in excruciating pain for months, grieving for the loss of an illusory love you think you had with these pwBPDs.

I really want to be able to do exactly like them, but unfortunately, I found that I simply can't.  We prize ourselves for having love or compassion, but I suspect these so called 'virtues' or 'morals' are just some types of yokes placed upon us (or rather we willingly accept it) and we become angry when others do not follow our rules.

While we nons gladly restraint ourselves with these rigid moral rules (we placed upon ourselves), these creatures we call pwBPDs do not follow these rules of the game. We got hurt and then cry foul.

In order to survive, we must play their games by their rules. We must excel in manipulating their rules to beat them in their own games.

[Willy]

We must excel in manipulating their rules to beat them in their own games.

You cannot out-BPD a pwBPD, not even a pwNPD or a sociopath can out-BPD a pwBPD. My morals and my values make up my identity, and that's exactly what a pwBPD is missing.

[GP44]

My understanding of BPD is that until they really work on themselves in therapy, they are not going to be able to experience the kind of happiness that us nons can experience. They do have moments and times in their lives when they are happy, but it is synthetic and not very deep. A BPD's experience is not to be envied.

[avoidatallcost]

They may be in love with you, but one second later, they may hate you to death. They are able to find new replacements in no time and be enjoying the new r/s, while you are wallowing in excruciating pain for months, grieving for the loss of an illusory love you think you had with these pwBPDs.

How are they able to do this so effectively?  It's so unfair that they can just repress really painful thoughts and memories so easily like that.  Or do they repress these "painful" thoughts at all - maybe they never felt anything for us to begin with!

[seeking balance]

At the end of the day, we only have ourselves - Finished:  you asked do BPD's get "rewarded" for their behaviors?  What is your definition of rewarded?  Remember, you are perceiving their reality; you are not in that person's head...

Examples of Rewards:

Don't have to accept responsibility for their actions
In many cases able to advance themselves as a result of their manipulations
Get what they want with little effort
In my ex's case getting his cake and eating it too

They may not be the rewards that I would want, but it is what the PWBPD is looking for. Instead of getting caught in their lies, they get away with them.

Do you think this is a fair trade for being mentally ill?  For having such intense feelings that you feel like you have emotional 3rd degree burns more often than not?
For literally having to go through relationship after relationship with no real stability?

What does accepting responsibility for your ex's actions look like for you?

[JonnyJon42]

Stone i agree to a point

Ive tried really hard to play by her rules but it never works out casue the rules change almost daily. What was important today is irreverent tomorrow. When the game turns into no matter what you do i can get mad over it i stop wanting to play. When it gets to the point of i think i should be able to sleep around and not get drilled for being out till 2am with my phone off im not wanting to play anymore.

Again we are all adults and need to be adults and it sucks your sick but your 25 and as you get older more and more people are not going to take this.

At the end of the day they are really alone cause it takes two to be in a r/s