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Author Topic: Is she cheating on me?  (Read 973 times)
Mike1778
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« on: February 21, 2012, 01:41:02 PM »

I've been dating a BPD woman for 4 years. Ups and downs a plenty. Early on she couldn't get enough sex from me but now it's not even something she seems to ever want. She will give in about once a week but only on Sat. and it's never even close to what it once was. Now I'm seeing that a decrease in sex is common in these types of people and I have suspected her doing something at work, but have no way of being sure. She's the type that has many male coworkers and friends, but she is with me every night. I guess I want to know if it's likely and if there's a way to know if she is cheating on me? Now I am very paranoid about this due to my ex who swore up and down nothing was going on till I caught her red handed. My current knows all about this and says I just make stuff up in my head and she would never do that. She knows if I catch anything I'm gone.
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beyondbelief
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« Reply #1 on: February 21, 2012, 02:00:48 PM »

It is common for the sex life to go down markedly.  Some pwBPD cheat constantly and others never do.  The only real way to know she is guilty is by catching her.  There really is no way to conclusively prove it isn't happening unless you are constantly together.  If she has a history of infidelity then the chances are higher she will do it again.  However there are some who cheat and never repeat.  Every person is different.
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This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board.
All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)
Mike1778
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« Reply #2 on: February 21, 2012, 02:19:11 PM »

Thanks for the post. She swears up and down that she would never and claims it's not just me who she doesn't want to be with but nobody lol. We're talking about someone who would get pissed if I didn't call her back quick enough to someone who really could care less if I answered at all now. Someone who I had to beat off w a stick because they wanted it every night to someone who plans accordingly as to how to avoid it w/o me being able to say boo about it.(I'm not stupid honey and you're not that slick) I just have to wonder if that attention is being spent elsewhere. You know? But I've been reading on here about serial cheaters and what not so I have to wonder. It's just tough being with someone who used to be one person and now is another. And now if I question her she goes ballistic over my accusations.(How did I become her? and she become me? WTH!) I'm in a tough spot and need to make a choice. Because now I just feel more like somebody being used for the good in me but can't even get a decent lay in return. I don't ask for much either. Sex once a week and someone to have some intimacy with. A card on a special occasion and some good times come the holidays. But how dare I want that since she hates the holidays ever since dad died. How do you even complain after that one? Guess it's on me now...
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artman.1
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« Reply #3 on: February 21, 2012, 05:45:18 PM »

Mike1778,
     What are you doing to take care of yourself?  Has her change been abrupt, like over several weeks, or a month or so, or has she changed very slowly over a long time?  Do you have children together?  You appear by your words, to not be married, is this correct?
     The real question is this one.  Is this the way you want to live your life in the future?
     I have been married to my UBPDW for 43 years, and she cheated a long time ago, and we reconciled, and after a couple of years, she stopped all intimacy altogether.  The rejection of all intimacy has been going on for the last 35+ years.  I have raised my three Sons with her successfully, and now it is finally time for me to live.
     Is this going to become your story?

Art
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Mike1778
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« Reply #4 on: February 23, 2012, 01:56:52 PM »

I don't know what you mean by taking care of myself? Her change has been gradual over time but she still cuddles with me and kisses me hello and goodbye. Only because I made it a big deal. again something i liked in the beginning that she stopped doing over time. Always a huge kiss hello and total joy when we saw each other. It was sooooooo nice. Considering my last relationship was very different. Also a possible BPD chick, I know how to pick em... No we have no children just a relationship. I'm very careful not to go ahead like that w her because of the issues we have. a

No I def don't want you're story. The thing with her is she went from great to crazy and then calmed down a lot due to her new love a 2 year old boxer dog. She absoloutely loves this guy and ever since he came around she was no longer obsessing over me. But now it's the other extreme where the world revolves around this dog and she doesn't want to be away from him. I had hoped that this would solve a lot of our problems and possibly fix our thing. Now when she was being great it was pure love it seemed. Things got hairy when her father go sick and slowly started to die and then did. And thats when I saw the beast in her. I chalked all of this craziness up to her greiving. And being the person that I am I could never leave her during all of that. And besides in my mind it would all be better in a few months. I loved her and did what anyone who loved their GF would do. Right? There's a whole lot more but I think you get the drift. She cuts,rages,has been raped(apparently...), and had abusive parents. I was the savior like I see a lot on this site.

Fast forward to this week. I saw her flirting w another guy online. I brought it up and she then twisted it around and tried to make me feel like I'm some jealous and possesive person who doesn't allow her to do anything. I'm like sht are you kidding me that's how she used to be with me. I always encouraged her to have friends and do stuff with them. The only reason I'm bugging is because she used to be up my ass 24/7 and now all of a sudden she's normal again? But also has no desire to sleep with me too. She will but it's very boring especially when it used to be awesome. My last relationship ended like this. The girl slowly started pulling away and when confronted lied to my face. I had to do some stalking to save my sanity and low and behold my gut was right. Now I admit to having my own trust issues but they only surface when I see the pattern emerging again. So yesterday I blew up and called her a whore and stopped contacting her to cool off. She then had her friend message me to tell me that the online stuff was just them messing around and that he knew that she really loved me. Then me and this girl started texting last night. It went something like Mike you are over reacting and it was nothing but us messing around. I wasn't flirting and he's just a friend. am I allowed to have friends? You know I love you and i'm w you every night. BTW The online talk was about the smell of some dudes underwear and about sexual acts. Now it was 3 people chatting and all joking but still. If that was me she would have a fit. To make a long story short she tells me she still wants me and that her life has been much tougher than mine and my issues from the past relationship are screwing up ours. She's been raped and beaten but doesn't take it out on me. That nothing is going on and I make it all up in my head yada yada. Then she says me calling her a whore brought back all of the sht she tries to forget and I've ruiend her trust in me. She went from nice to rage to guilt trip. And only because I read this sight I know that all she's trying to do is get me under control. I see all of it now but the problem is I still love her. I ignored her last txt because it pissed me off and I saw right through it. I'm sure she will try again later on but I'm so close to shutting the door on her for good. I just don't know if I can be strong enough to follow through with it...
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LostinBPDland
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Which way is up?


« Reply #5 on: February 23, 2012, 03:38:29 PM »

Lots to say but if she knew your past, then didn't she look at her own behavior so she didn't intentionally trigger you in some way?  I'm sure that's some sort of walking on eggshells but jeez, it sounds like you both have some issues which you acknowledged.

She will probably try to get you under control but also try to save face at the same time.

This is a sticky situation and you probably already know to proceed with caution.  If she was just "messing around" and thought it was ok, I would be skeptical.
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tryingtohelp
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« Reply #6 on: February 23, 2012, 04:33:33 PM »

The multiple 'infidelities' (big euphemism here)  has been the biggest nightmare to deal with in my relationship with my dBPD SO.  I still have deep feelings for her but don't live with her because of this behaviour,   I know that it would still happen even if we lived together and that would be so much worse to deal with.

I can identify with the 'honeymoon' phase when you first met,  in my case she was all over me too and it was amazing...almost a bit unreal, but nice, she was 26, blonde and totally seductive and gorgeous .  I don't really think that will ever happen again, it's like the 'novelty' wears off for them and they have to seek someone else to focus their adoration/ sex drive on.  
I think many of them just move on from one relationship to another, leaving a trail of destruction.
In my case I have had to adjust some of what I want from the relationship, I don't want to walk away and not see her again, but I still want her friendship and have had to pull away , as hard as it is, and I find it has lessened the stress.  We had a great day together a few days ago and that was nice. I am spending time with other people whenever I can and this helps maintain some normality, and lets me stay in touch with who I am, because for a while she totally dominated my life ( I had allowed it) but it was destroying me.  
I think she is more 'manipulative' than I gave her credit for at first,  she is definitely into 'games ' power and control and enjoys it and has had many guys crawling back to her after dishing out dreadful behaviour, I know , because I have seen her do it to someone else before right in front of me, so I know what she's capable of.

Infidelity is what they do best.  Her mobile will reveal much!   without prying I saw a message come up one day while her phone was lying on the table in front of me, from some guy saying what great sex they had had!  ( in graphic detail)  talk about a kick in the face!   I have helped her and supported her for 4 years but still the hurt keeps coming.    

 
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WalrusGumboot
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« Reply #7 on: February 23, 2012, 04:53:19 PM »

Hi Mike,

I think most BPDs are drug addicts. Not in the traditional sense, but their dopamine receptors are used to being hyper-stimulated. Hence the intense sex and the daily dramas. She sounds like she has become bored and playing the field while keeping you as a backup. If she hasn't had a physical or emotional affair yet, it sounds like she is close, or at least entertaining the notion in her mind.

It sounds like you are being yourself around her, but you know most of the time that is not enough. To keep her interest, you will need to give her an endless supply of stimulation. I hope you are up for it, because let me tell you I did it for 23 years and it is exhausting. Eventually you will wear down and be right back where you started.

Think about what is important to you and do it. Don't focus on her and how to keep her because she will do what she wants to do. In the end you have yourself to live with.
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« Reply #8 on: February 23, 2012, 04:58:02 PM »

Be prepared for the worst mate...
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Mike1778
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« Reply #9 on: February 24, 2012, 11:20:16 AM »

Thanks for the help guys. As far as her cell goes, she would let me look at it and I never saw anything. She would even not shave her legs on purpose to prove she was being faithful... But who knows? She was obsessed with her dog and I think it's possible that she only wanted to be with him too. I do think I've been set up though. She was trying to set me off so I would walk away because she couldn't do it on her own. This is what I've come up with. But there's still a doubt in my mind that may be I'm wrong and she was just trying to have friends after a long hiatus from them to due to her depression over her father. Her issue with me ws that my financial situation isn't that great right now and she wanted to move forward with our relationship but couldn't. I just don't know and this is starting to become very real and I'm getting upset over it. I just wish I knew the truth! It's going to be a long weekend.
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azmomm2
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« Reply #10 on: February 24, 2012, 01:36:28 PM »

So yesterday I blew up and called her a whore

!

You know, if someone called me a whore, I wouldn't be inspired to sleep with him either! It takes a *LOT* of horny to be able to get past "whore". Yikes!

The online talk was about the smell of some dudes underwear and about sexual acts. Now it was 3 people chatting and all joking but still. If that was me she would have a fit.

Three adults talking and joking about sex online is no big deal. She's an adult and you don't need to be trying to control what she does - even if you think she'd do it to you. What she'd do isn't the issue. You do the right thing because it's the right thing, not as a response to what someone else does.

If you really think she's cheating, that's another issue altogether. But you still can't control what she does. You can only respond to it.

If you want this to last, you need to honestly and sincerely apologize for calling her that name, then promise her you will never do it again. Then don't. If she is someone you love, you don't want to hurt her, no matter how angry she makes you. Calling names is not an option - just take that crap out of your possible responses to her. Or anyone else.
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Mike1778
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« Reply #11 on: February 24, 2012, 04:24:57 PM »

I see where you're going with this but it's hard to control emotions you know? Especially when I've been called every name in the book and worse. Do you not know what it's like to deal with someone w this condition? Not for nothing I've been a very good boy up until this point. Always watching what I said and did but she has not. In fact I'd even go as far as to say she has done a lot of things to push my buttons for fun and to gain control. Things like intentionally messing up birthdays and holidays. But you're right about the name calling thing. 
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azmomm2
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« Reply #12 on: February 24, 2012, 06:22:02 PM »

I see where you're going with this but it's hard to control emotions you know? Especially when I've been called every name in the book and worse. Do you not know what it's like to deal with someone w this condition? Not for nothing I've been a very good boy up until this point. Always watching what I said and did but she has not. In fact I'd even go as far as to say she has done a lot of things to push my buttons for fun and to gain control. Things like intentionally messing up birthdays and holidays. But you're right about the name calling thing. 

Of course I know what it is like... but I don't control what he does. I only control what I do. Have I messed up and called him an asshole a time or two? Yes. And I felt really badly afterward. Not because I wasn't speaking the truth, but because being a name-caller isn't who I want to be.

Focus less on what she does, and more on your response to what she does. That is the only thing within your control.
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« Reply #13 on: February 24, 2012, 07:37:35 PM »

Hi
 Mike wrote
Always a huge kiss hello and total joy when we saw each other

---Yes, I see people with BPD do this----I get upset when I see them do it to virtually everyone-----the waiter, the neighbor, an acquaintance, someone they just met,etc. I feel irritated by it because then when they give me the "huge hello greeting"  I wonder "they are treating me just like they treat everyone else-it seems less special".

Shatra
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artman.1
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« Reply #14 on: February 26, 2012, 03:04:34 AM »

Mike1778,
     What I see hapening here is the typical BPD behaviors.  They fear abandonment, and they fear intimacy.  It has to do with childhood Intimacy with someone, usually a parent, that leaves them, and to them they were abandoned, so to protect themselves they must not allow themselves to get intimate, so the abandonment won't break their heart.  They need emotional support, to fill their emptyness, so they pull away from intimacy, and look for emotional support, and if they get the support from the flirting, it can eventually go from an emotional affair to a sexual affair.  This is called Triangulating (read definition), and is common with the push/pull of the BPD behaviors.  You do have a real problem to solve here, or leave.  You could very well be facing the same heart break you had with your previous RS.
     I am not sure all this will happen, but you need to work on your own issues.  I discovered that I am codependent last year and heve been working on me ever since, going to CODA meetings, and a Therapist.  I need to stop my Codependent behaviors, so I stop being a BPD Magnet.  BPD's and codependents are like magnets attracting each other.

Art
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tryingtohelp
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« Reply #15 on: February 26, 2012, 03:23:18 AM »

azmomm2 raised an interesting subject , re- name calling, it's something I've done my best to avoid at all cost, and so far I have avoided calling my dBPD SO any kind of names despite some attrocious behaviour which she has subjected me to, and on top of which she has called me all sorts of names on many occasions, but not once have I resorted to that level, and I'm sure she must know this in her heart.
I kind of think that of the two of us, I have to set some kind of example or try to be the adult.
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bewildered2
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2 months good stuff, then it was all downhill


« Reply #16 on: February 28, 2012, 02:50:46 PM »

what does your instinct tell you?

trying to catch someone...doing all the forensic analysis...not only will it drive you crazy...but chances are you won't ever know for sure.

the real question to ask, and one that you can answer is: how does all this make me feel?

in my experience, when i suspected that my partner was cheating...she was! but long before that happened, she was making me feel like c--p.

life is too short to take this kind of stuff from anybody. the more s--t you take, the more you'll get.

i hope you get my drift.

b2

   
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A lie does not consist in the indirect position of words, but in the desire and intention, by false speaking, to deceive and injure your neighbour. (Jonathan Swift) "She took me hook, line, and sinker, and I was on dry land!" Richard Pryor
sunshinegrrrl
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« Reply #17 on: March 01, 2012, 09:32:03 PM »

We're talking about someone who would get pissed if I didn't call her back quick enough to someone who really could care less if I answered at all now.

Hey Mike I really feel for you. I don't live in the same town as my BPD friend, but he use to call me at least 10 to 20 in one day when I first met him. He would freak out if I didn't call him back fast enough. A couple of times he had a panic attack and thought I was ditching him, because I didn't call him back right away. I use to talk to him for hours. He use to sing songs to me over the phone love  Then one day he discovered an ex girlfriend of his and some of his pals were on facebook and it was all down hill from there. His focus shifted off of me and on to impressing people on facebook and asking woman out for drinks. He would act like everyone on his friends list were his real friend and would freak out if he lost one or someone blocked him. He stopped calling me as often as he use to and started ignoring my phone calls. When he did call it was to ask for money. I stopped giving him money, and he has started to threaten me. I am trying not to talk to him now. I just recently figured out he is BPD. He doesn't even know, and I haven't told him. I don't think he would believe me anyways. It really doesn't take much to shift these people attention. My friend chose something as stupid as facebook over me and all of the plans we had for having a kid together and starting a business.
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