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Emotional immaturity manifests in unrealistic needs and expectations. ~ Murray Bowen, M.D.
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Author Topic: BPD or Just Sour Grapes?  (Read 597 times)
avoidatallcost
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« on: February 21, 2012, 01:54:53 PM »

I'm having a tough time with this lately.  I'm thinking, ok my 25 yr old BP ex gf definitely had some mental health issues, but who of us don't really?  Ok so she cheated, lied, and only maintained a "monogamous" relationship with me she felt like it.  The silent treatment, push-pull tactics, history of cutting and involuntary psych ward hospitalization was all in her past, no doubt. 

After all, most of the time her behavior and reactions to me were not that different from any other woman I have dated, albeit much more hypersensitive and much more hurtful than anything I've ever experienced before.  But she WAS on medication and seeing a psychiatrist, and her new relationship seems pretty perfect to me..

Maybe my whole relationship was nothing more than a very young woman feeling her way through life and just learning from her mistakes?

Can anyone relate to this/have any opinions on this?
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findingmyselfagain
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« Reply #1 on: February 21, 2012, 02:15:28 PM »

Not someone I'd want to go out with...If any of my friends described a r/s like mine, I'd tell them to run for the hills and don't look back. Mine was the "quiet"/waify type which appealed to my rescuer...quite possibly my own fear of intimacy with a healthy female originating in my FOO. Mine walked out on me after our wedding shower...things seemed relatively peaceful until then. It really messed me up. These r/s's are usually very unhealthy and difficult to detach from. The further you get away the more you'll appreciate peace.
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beyondbelief
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« Reply #2 on: February 21, 2012, 02:16:03 PM »

It is true that none of us is perfect.  It is also true that few of us have been involuntarily hospitalized for mental health reasons.  Most people do learn from their mistakes, however self-injury probably comes from a pretty dark place and probably doesn't end because someone suddenly decides that it was a mistake.

One of the most difficult things about understanding PD is often those afflicted seem pretty normal most of the time.  So it can be hard to believe they are ill.  If they were walking down the street talking to imaginary people then it would be easy to spot and believe they are suffering from something.

Her new relationship may seem perfect.  I am willing to bet your r/s with her started out much better than it ended.  That is the likely path with her new r/s as well.  
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avoidatallcost
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« Reply #3 on: February 21, 2012, 02:19:55 PM »

Her new relationship may seem perfect.  I am willing to bet your r/s with her started out much better than it ended.  That is the likely path with her new r/s as well.  

So everyone thinks it's definitely the BPD?  I rely on your opinions sometimes because I still feel like I'm still in the FOG.

but I can't help but think that hey, maybe it wasn't so much the disorder.. maybe my ex was just a young, selfish b*tch?  I mean guys and girls can act pretty crazy when they're young, and this doesn't necessarily mean that the mental disorder is totally to blame..
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This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving
All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)
findingmyselfagain
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« Reply #4 on: February 21, 2012, 02:45:18 PM »

What if she was just a young, selfish !@#$!@#$? Why not go for someone who could appreciate you? There are many fish in the sea. I hung on to my ex for a long time, but over time I realized we would never be able to relate as adults.
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beyondbelief
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« Reply #5 on: February 21, 2012, 02:49:17 PM »

Mental health is a tricky subject.  There are many different possible conditions with varying degrees of severity that share common traits.  Throw in the possibility of a person suffering from more than one at the same time.  It takes a seasoned pro to sort it all out and even then they offer opinions and not facts.  

You are right, not every behavior can be attributed to mental illness.  Sometimes just about everyone could be considered to be selfish, rude, uncaring etc at some time or another.  However few have a history of self inflicted mutilation or being involuntarily committed for psych treatment.  Odds are pretty good she had/has some issues.

If you are concerned about your own mental health then see a pro about it.  If they can't find anything then great one less thing to worry about.  If they find issues then they can be dealt with.  Either way you come out better off.
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avoidatallcost
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« Reply #6 on: February 21, 2012, 02:53:50 PM »

What if she was just a young, selfish !@#$!@#$? Why not go for someone who could appreciate you? There are many fish in the sea. I hung on to my ex for a long time, but over time I realized we would never be able to relate as adults.

I don't know I guess like a lot of us here I'm still in utter shock over what happened.. I'm just trying to understand how after loving so much and giving so much to someone getting so very little in return.  No matter how much I tried to avoid conflict, she was always able to get me enraged and make me look like the crazy one.  She started off our relationship with an "open" one and then months later she would complain that she can't feel intimate with me?  Well if you weren't out banging other guys all the time maybe this wouldnt be a problem!

I understand that I have to look within myself here, but I think that's kind of what I'm doing here.. I'm trying to understand just how much of what happened was due to the disorder, and just how much of it was due to a selfish young woman who merely reacted to what I did.  

Why did she refuse to enter into a monogamous r/s with me so many times?  And when I was seeing someone else, she would get all angry and tell me I'm contradicting myself?  Was she truly crazy and just keeping me all confused?

I think it was this latter thing, but she was so capable of acting normal so much of the time I'm still having a hard time understanding this.  I still can't help but think maybe it was something that I did that made this young woman act extra vicious with me..
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seeking balance
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« Reply #7 on: February 21, 2012, 02:54:41 PM »

I'm having a tough time with this lately.  I'm thinking, ok my 25 yr old BP ex gf definitely had some mental health issues, but who of us don't really?  Ok so she cheated, lied, and only maintained a "monogamous" relationship with me she felt like it.  The silent treatment, push-pull tactics, history of cutting and involuntary psych ward hospitalization was all in her past, no doubt. 

After all, most of the time her behavior and reactions to me were not that different from any other woman I have dated, albeit much more hypersensitive and much more hurtful than anything I've ever experienced before.  But she WAS on medication and seeing a psychiatrist, and her new relationship seems pretty perfect to me..

Maybe my whole relationship was nothing more than a very young woman feeling her way through life and just learning from her mistakes?

Can anyone relate to this/have any opinions on this?

I wrote a post very similar to this very early on in which Schwing very nicely, but directly said - you lived it, you know what you lived...now, isn't it time you focus on you?

It gets to the point where it doesn't matter what she is diagnosed with - what does matter is how you are going to negotiate your feelings so you can put it behind you.

keep posting - keep processing - you are getting there
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Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
avoidatallcost
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« Reply #8 on: February 21, 2012, 02:58:21 PM »

I'm having a tough time with this lately.  I'm thinking, ok my 25 yr old BP ex gf definitely had some mental health issues, but who of us don't really?  Ok so she cheated, lied, and only maintained a "monogamous" relationship with me she felt like it.  The silent treatment, push-pull tactics, history of cutting and involuntary psych ward hospitalization was all in her past, no doubt.  

After all, most of the time her behavior and reactions to me were not that different from any other woman I have dated, albeit much more hypersensitive and much more hurtful than anything I've ever experienced before.  But she WAS on medication and seeing a psychiatrist, and her new relationship seems pretty perfect to me..

Maybe my whole relationship was nothing more than a very young woman feeling her way through life and just learning from her mistakes?

Can anyone relate to this/have any opinions on this?

I wrote a post very similar to this very early on in which Schwing very nicely, but directly said - you lived it, you know what you lived...now, isn't it time you focus on you?

It gets to the point where it doesn't matter what she is diagnosed with - what does matter is how you are going to negotiate your feelings so you can put it behind you.

keep posting - keep processing - you are getting there

You're right SB I think I am getting there.  Slowly, but getting there nonetheless.  All the reading I have done doesn't help ease my pain - only time can do that - but it's still very comforting reading all of the similar stories and hearing all of the excellent advice on this forum.  Like I said it doesn't take away the incredible pain and sense of loss and frustration, but it least helps me understand what happened and why it happened.

I'm convinced I just came out of a relationship with a borderline.  I think I'm lucky I got out with my sanity.
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seeking balance
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« Reply #9 on: February 21, 2012, 03:03:35 PM »

All the reading I have done doesn't help ease my pain - only time can do that
very wise words - time and tears...having a little faith doesn't hurt either  wink
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Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
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