It gets better... if you try.

[Think About It...]

I know I haven't started much in the way of topics of late.  I don't want people to think that my life is somehow perfect.  My wife is still untreated.  Also, thanks to an insurance mix-up, she had to change meds, and she hasn't taken to it well.  Interestingly enough, she asked if this site had a section for patients, as she's expressed interest in seeking some sort of help.

Anyway, the past few weeks have been a bit of a rage storm.  First, my wife's temp job was ended.  Originally, she was in line to be hired permanently, but she got in trouble for asking to be paid for Thanksgiving Day.  Of course, she's tried to blame me for her getting in trouble, because I did advise her to ask.  However, she was so deluded in terms of how friendly she was with her supervisor, she told me the situation was completely different from what was really going on.  Simply put, it was the ol' Black/White routine, where her employers were painted White.  On top of that, she was reprimanded for not speaking in job meetings, which is a pattern she's long had at jobs. 

As a result, she fell into a deep depression, which leads to the second thing that came up.  While she was working, she made a point of saying how much she hated working, and how she didn't want to go back every night.  I validated her feelings, then went off to take care of our D2 and house, then focusing on myself after my daughter went to bed.  When I mentioned what she had told me, she ended up in a rage with I walked away from.  When she calmed down, my wife said, in brief, that I should "know how she is" and that's how she complains.

The third thing was her getting in touch with an old boyfriend that she's been keeping in touch with through the years.  About a year ago, she decided on her own that she wasn't going to contact him because their relationship was inappropriate.  I acknowledged it, and moved on with my life.  My issues are legion, but relationship jealousy isn't among them.  However, I mentioned the old boyfriend's name by chance, and she froze like I knew something.  It turns out she had given the man a call to see how he was doing.

The fourth thing was Valentine's Day.  Admittedly, thanks to the first 3 points, I'd gotten a bit absent-minded about getting her a gift.  However, I did take her out to dinner and paid for it after my wife had originally agreed to pay.  The "other" festivities had to be cancelled due to our daughter being sick, but I left it at that.  The next day, my wife rages at me for not getting her an actual gift for Valentine's Day.  I just let it drop after that. 

Then, in the intervening days (after my wife got her new meds), my wife has just been angry as heck.  Yesterday, my wife was dissociating, so my daughter and I had a daddy-daughter day out on the holiday, enjoying a local Children's museum visit which left her pooped.  Oh, and for the record, my wife has hardly done anything for my daughter except fix her hair a couple of times since she lost her job.  She did cook after the first week in an attempt to make amends, but it's the same old dance that I refused to do.  I just focused on myself and lived my life.

So today, my wife asks to talk, then asks me if I don't feel anything for her anymore.  She said that we've hardly spoken since Valentine's Day, and that I didn't get her a gift.  I told her the drill about her being angry and not getting her a gift (though I didn't belabor the first 3 points).  In turn, my wife seemed surprised that I didn't try to speak to her while angry, or that the lack of a gift wasn't some sort of revenge.  Apparently, she was looking at me to be angry about something like she was.

See how focusing on yourself helps?  The only other thing I did outside of my normal routine was meditate more.  Other than that, I just was true to myself and took care of the house and my daughter.  And that was that. 

I wouldn't say it was easy...just a lot easier than fighting all the time like I did a couple of years ago.

[iluminati]

I know I haven't started much in the way of topics of late.  I don't want people to think that my life is somehow perfect.  My wife is still untreated.  Also, thanks to an insurance mix-up, she had to change meds, and she hasn't taken to it well.  Interestingly enough, she asked if this site had a section for patients, as she's expressed interest in seeking some sort of help.

Anyway, the past few weeks have been a bit of a rage storm.  First, my wife's temp job was ended.  Originally, she was in line to be hired permanently, but she got in trouble for asking to be paid for Thanksgiving Day.  Of course, she's tried to blame me for her getting in trouble, because I did advise her to ask.  However, she was so deluded in terms of how friendly she was with her supervisor, she told me the situation was completely different from what was really going on.  Simply put, it was the ol' Black/White routine, where her employers were painted White.  On top of that, she was reprimanded for not speaking in job meetings, which is a pattern she's long had at jobs. 

As a result, she fell into a deep depression, which leads to the second thing that came up.  While she was working, she made a point of saying how much she hated working, and how she didn't want to go back every night.  I validated her feelings, then went off to take care of our D2 and house, then focusing on myself after my daughter went to bed.  When I mentioned what she had told me, she ended up in a rage with I walked away from.  When she calmed down, my wife said, in brief, that I should "know how she is" and that's how she complains.

The third thing was her getting in touch with an old boyfriend that she's been keeping in touch with through the years.  About a year ago, she decided on her own that she wasn't going to contact him because their relationship was inappropriate.  I acknowledged it, and moved on with my life.  My issues are legion, but relationship jealousy isn't among them.  However, I mentioned the old boyfriend's name by chance, and she froze like I knew something.  It turns out she had given the man a call to see how he was doing.

The fourth thing was Valentine's Day.  Admittedly, thanks to the first 3 points, I'd gotten a bit absent-minded about getting her a gift.  However, I did take her out to dinner and paid for it after my wife had originally agreed to pay.  The "other" festivities had to be cancelled due to our daughter being sick, but I left it at that.  The next day, my wife rages at me for not getting her an actual gift for Valentine's Day.  I just let it drop after that. 

Then, in the intervening days (after my wife got her new meds), my wife has just been angry as heck.  Yesterday, my wife was dissociating, so my daughter and I had a daddy-daughter day out on the holiday, enjoying a local Children's museum visit which left her pooped.  Oh, and for the record, my wife has hardly done anything for my daughter except fix her hair a couple of times since she lost her job.  She did cook after the first week in an attempt to make amends, but it's the same old dance that I refused to do.  I just focused on myself and lived my life.

So today, my wife asks to talk, then asks me if I don't feel anything for her anymore.  She said that we've hardly spoken since Valentine's Day, and that I didn't get her a gift.  I told her the drill about her being angry and not getting her a gift (though I didn't belabor the first 3 points).  In turn, my wife seemed surprised that I didn't try to speak to her while angry, or that the lack of a gift wasn't some sort of revenge.  Apparently, she was looking at me to be angry about something like she was.

See how focusing on yourself helps?  The only other thing I did outside of my normal routine was meditate more.  Other than that, I just was true to myself and took care of the house and my daughter.  And that was that. 

I wouldn't say it was easy...just a lot easier than fighting all the time like I did a couple of years ago.

[united for now]

We can't change someone else.

We "can" change ourselves.

[real lady]

In turn, my wife seemed surprised that I didn't try to speak to her while angry, or that the lack of a gift wasn't some sort of revenge.  Apparently, she was looking at me to be angry about something like she was.

  good for you. you are communicating but not enabling and not engaging where she will have you to fight ...

I am able to see more and more that my uBPD is on his emotional rollercoaster and I more or less tell him calmly; "I don't care to ride". I won't even point out his behavior and how he is working himself into an argument. I just do not engage.

Yesterday he was trying to blame me for a lack of communication then 'attitude' on his part and I withdrew, "let go"...he came back and was pointing to my withdrawal when I told him that I did not know what he was doing, he didn't tell me; and I did not turn to talk (and look) to him; no full front body language. This helped; he heard me and dropped it.

I think that body language and loud talking triggers him; abuse from his father. It's getting better for me too and I AGREE...it is controlling and carefully monitoring ourselves and "letting them deal with their feelings" and not taking responsibility for them.
Mine was also very upset that our dog ate a BIG rock (he is a large dog but...) and we don't know if he will be able to pass it or have to have surgery. He is our puppy; we love him and it scares my h. He loves animals and through interaction with our puppy, I am pointing out his "rollercoaster" to him and posing him a question now and then about "why do you say that to him?"...again to help him SEE that HE is accountable for what comes out of his mouth and if I were the puppy, I might see it thus and thus...

thanks for the encouragement illuminati; I needed it...  

[yeeter]

I wouldn't say it was easy...just a lot easier than fighting all the time like I did a couple of years ago.

Thanks iluminati!   

Im on this path, and looking forward to what a couple years will bring.

[artman.1]

iluminati,
     The Boyfriend thing seems like a red flag.  Quote:  The third thing was her getting in touch with an old boyfriend that she's been keeping in touch with through the years.  About a year ago, she decided on her own that she wasn't going to contact him because their relationship was inappropriate.  I acknowledged it, and moved on with my life.  My issues are legion, but relationship jealousy isn't among them.  However, I mentioned the old boyfriend's name by chance, and she froze like I knew something.  It turns out she had given the man a call to see how he was doing.
     What's up with this?  Has she had an EA for several years?  Has there possibly been more than an EA?  This really appears that you should be much more disturbed than you actually seem to be.

Art

[iluminati]

iluminati,
     The Boyfriend thing seems like a red flag...What's up with this?  Has she had an EA for several years?  Has there possibly been more than an EA?  This really appears that you should be much more disturbed than you actually seem to be.

Art

I know the drill, and I have my suspicions about more going on.  However, it's mostly an emotional affair that's she's pursuing.  I know the man in question has moved on with his life, and besides, I'm not married to him.  When I'm ready to resolve it, it will be resolved, and that's that.