I've been a doormat for so long...

[Think About It...]

I've been married for 28 years to a man with BPD.  I have been tolerating his behavior because it's just too complicated to split up.  Our kids are grown and it's just the 2 of us now and it's worse than it's ever been.  Today he flew off on several things, all of them perceived wrongs being done to him by his son, his DIL and me.  Like we are all plotting against him.  this was all done through texting and calls while I'm at work! 

I really don't know how to leave or know if I really want to.  what is this called? co-dependency? I tend to hate the way my life has turned out and feel that so many years have been wasted with him.  I can't do anything with friends (not that I have any).  And when I do go to work or the grocery store I'm grilled about the men I see.

We won't even take go out to dinner because he fears that I'll see a good looking man.  yes I just typed that for the first time. 
We haven't done anything together as a couple in years and years. Well we fight, but that is a given.

He works nights, I work days which is probably for the best.  but of course it's my fault that he works nights.  So is the fact that he's an alcoholic and he just sits on his ass all day on the computer.
He doesn't clean anything around the house, he's a collector and he complains that he has to take his dogs out 1 stinking time a day while I'm at work.

He constantly feels that it's his right to purchase things to add to his valuable collection because he works so hard and deserves it.  Well, what about the bills that need paid?


The only thing saving me is my new grandchild and believe it or not, my dogs. 

I'm still on the fence as to make the next step and divorce him.  or at least separate.  To be honest it would be difficult for us to afford to split financially. 

I don't know...

[28years]

I've been married for 28 years to a man with BPD.  I have been tolerating his behavior because it's just too complicated to split up.  Our kids are grown and it's just the 2 of us now and it's worse than it's ever been.  Today he flew off on several things, all of them perceived wrongs being done to him by his son, his DIL and me.  Like we are all plotting against him.  this was all done through texting and calls while I'm at work! 

I really don't know how to leave or know if I really want to.  what is this called? co-dependency? I tend to hate the way my life has turned out and feel that so many years have been wasted with him.  I can't do anything with friends (not that I have any).  And when I do go to work or the grocery store I'm grilled about the men I see.

We won't even take go out to dinner because he fears that I'll see a good looking man.  yes I just typed that for the first time. 
We haven't done anything together as a couple in years and years. Well we fight, but that is a given.

He works nights, I work days which is probably for the best.  but of course it's my fault that he works nights.  So is the fact that he's an alcoholic and he just sits on his ass all day on the computer.
He doesn't clean anything around the house, he's a collector and he complains that he has to take his dogs out 1 stinking time a day while I'm at work.

He constantly feels that it's his right to purchase things to add to his valuable collection because he works so hard and deserves it.  Well, what about the bills that need paid?


The only thing saving me is my new grandchild and believe it or not, my dogs. 

I'm still on the fence as to make the next step and divorce him.  or at least separate.  To be honest it would be difficult for us to afford to split financially. 

I don't know...

[artman.1]

Hi there 28 years,  I've been a doormat for 43 years myself.  I bet you thought you were the worst off.  I actually have been with her for 4 years before we married, so that is 47 years.  We had three Sons who are grown, and all are Engineers, like me.  My UBPDW stopped raging and calling me filthy names, and Humiliating me last spring when I established my boundries, and limits.  She is now raging about others in the family now.  As long as it is not me, I don't care.  My real complaint, is I am in a loveless marriage.  She has rejected all Intimacy for the last 35+ years.  Sometimes, I wonder how we got three Sons in the first place.  She has done all the BPD behaviors, including cheating in the past, actually before rejecting Intimacy.
     Don't feel so alone.  I am working on myself, and going to Therapy each week, and attending CODA meetings every Wednesday Night.  I have, and am reading books by Melody Beattie for codependence.  Things have gotten better, but the Intimacy has not returned.  I discovered she was BPD last year just after X-Mas.  That is when I discovered I am Codependent as well.

Art

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[cyrix]

I do not know how you guys do it. I have been with my wife for just 3 years and I am at a stage where I cannot hold a thought anymore. I doubt everything about myself, I see little hope and I am very depressed. I cannot leave her because I just am too weak and care more for her than me.

I hope my therapist will somehow give me the strength to leave or by some miracle she will accept BPD is the real problem and seek therapy. Even in the best case scenario it is not something completely curable and I am in for a struggle for the rest of my life. That is so much that I feel I do not have the energy for it.

[28years]

artman, wow I guess I am not the only one.  this place has shown me that.
I was in a very negative mood yesterday because the recent battle was so fresh.

I read alot of books, walk my dogs and spend as much time as I can with my daughter and the new granddaughter. 
Normally I try not to react to his "episodes" but yesterday i was really mean to him.  Sometimes I just can't hide my feelings and words just spew out of my mouth.
I've read a few of the posts here and about the the middle of the night battles.  Since he works midnights alot of our hours-long battles are in the middle of the day while I'm at work or on the weekends when I'm at home.

Our marriage is not totally loveless.  He actually wants sex but I'm the one who just can't get into the right frame of mind.  I've been working on it and things are better in that regard.
But it doesn't stop the mind games...

Gotta get some work done today.  I think he's done for now.

cyrix, I hope you either find the strength to leave or find a way to cope.  If you stay it will always be a battle, but keep in mind that they really can't  help the way they are and usually totally deny there is anything wrong with them.  it's the rest of the world that is wrong, never them.  good luck.

[28years]

And again with the texting today...

Excerpt:

"my whole family sold me out. you a'holes live with that...none of you ever did the right thing,,so you can all kiss my ass,,yeah."

How the hell can it ever get better if he thinks he is the only normal person on the planet and that he's always right and everyone else is wrong?  I'm pretty despondant right now.  Not wanting to go home tonight.

And then I also feel like I'm whining since I know you all have lived this too. 

I just want a "normal" life dammit!

[Clearmind]

How do you respond to these texts 28years?

He believes that everyone thinks like his does because he has no frame of reference. He doesn’t understand and therefore inflicts his woefulness onto others.

Have you had a chance to read up on validation?

In learning about BPD it becomes more apparent how sensitive their feeling are, as well how intense they can be.  Its possible to invalidate our BPD SO’s.

Our own feelings fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) are very real – and they certainly were for me. In processing our own FOG we can see things more clearly. Without delving into it we can become depressed, paralysed, desperate and frantic.

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

Boundaries are also needed so are you not a doormat  

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it
Protecting Ourselves with Values and Boundaries

[28years]

Yesterday I didn't respond at all.  I didn't trust myself to respond in a decent manner! 
My husbands temper/anger is at the extreme level so validating may or may not work.  I'll think on it. 

Thank you for the links! 

[empoweredone]

28 years for me as well!  I hit the wall this past Aug. and said enough was enough. I didnt even recognize myself anymore. I had to get out or die so... I made a plan, quit my job, left my doggies and drove North. It was the hardest thing Ive ever done but I did it! I am now much happier and working on taking care of myself. I really miss my dogs but it was a sacrifice I had to make to save myself. I am now divorced and building a new positive happy healthy life again. Its your choice to stay but a leopard can't change their spots! You only get one life... Live it the way you choose.

[empoweredone]

These websites and books were helpful to me
http://www.boomeranglove.com/


http://www.highconflictinstitute.com/

http://www.BPDcentral.com/bks/spy.php

[Clearmind]

Yesterday I didn't respond at all.  I didn't trust myself to respond in a decent manner!  
My husbands temper/anger is at the extreme level so validating may or may not work.  I'll think on it.  

Thank you for the links!  

Validation is used so it minimises his behaviour escalating and then you feeling invalidated and upset.

If he is raging/angry you are right its not the time to use validation - its the time to remove yourself from the house, go for a walk advising him that you will talk to him when he calms down. This is a boundary you set for yourself - to protect you!

[28years]

empowered, I can't leave my dogs.  He does care about them but wouldn't have a clue how to take care of them.
Sometimes, the pets ( i have cats too,lol) are the only thing keeping me there.
I'm very happy for you and your new life.  It is something I have dreamt about.  Just living alone with no drama and no stress.

clearmind,  his temper is the worst I've ever seen.  I'm sure the neighbors have heard him raging on numerous occassions!  He's never been physically violent thankfully, but his raging and anger are impossible to reason with.

Not too long ago I literally jumped on the back of his motorcycle as he was starting it up with threats of suicide, just to keep him from doing it. He doesn't want to physically hurt me so my plan worked and I eventually got the keys from him.

And whenever I have left the situation in the past, it's 10 times worse when I return.   

[xeon]

How the hell can it ever get better if he thinks he is the only normal person on the planet and that he's always right and everyone else is wrong?  I'm pretty despondant right now.  Not wanting to go home tonight.

And then I also feel like I'm whining since I know you all have lived this too. 

I just want a "normal" life dammit!

I've stopped texting and responding to in depth stuff via text with my wife... it can get quite weird and I'm not good with validating yet.  I've spent whole mornings arguing that I do love her for example in the past... maddening!  My wife is a lot like your husband in that she lives in this world where she does nothing wrong... even if it is wrong, sometimes may momentarily admit it... then take it back.  We ALL mess up.  I sometimes just have to raise an eyebrow now... a real "SAY WHAT?" moment runs through my head as I now have taken a step back and look at things for what they are.     

Yeah, I dream of a "normal" life too... whatever that is.   

[dupchek4me]

35 years for me with my BPD wife.  But, today I am leaving, left once before and came back, but not this time.  She even checked herself in to a treatment center, but I am still leaving, she's been before, she's good for a few days and back to "normal".  At least I have my two daughters to spend time with now anytime I want.

Free at last.

[alaskan]

i have not been on for a long  time ,my wife i believe has BPD,we have 3 great kids,I do all I can for them but my wife is spending everything on her,she is gone at the moment for several months and 95% of the money she has spent has been on herself,it is hard to change,in your situation just like many others,as mine,we think if we just had another spouse what would it be like,a therapist told me I only have 10 or more productive years,he said I need to leave,thats 4 years ago,i understand your torment and thoughts,what to do...