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Highly Recommended Book ... One of the main ways we keep ourselves involved in addictive, negative and hurtful relationships is to pretend that this negative present moment isn’t happening. In this book, Margalis Fjelstad, PhD., shows that the only way out of an addictive relationship is to change how we function, what we are willing to put up with, and to develop the courage to make changes.
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Author Topic: I'm a bad person  (Read 382 times)
Darwin2012
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« on: February 22, 2012, 04:53:51 AM »

My partner and I were at home when she received a call from a mutual acquaintance, who during the call mentioned what a nice person they thought I was, just being polite I think.  Anyway, this started a "conversation" about how I am really not so nice, and that she is the only person who really knows how bad I am, everyone else just sees the "nice" side of me. This includes friends, work colleagues, family, and even my ex-wife. This is based on the fact that when we argue, and we have been arguing a lot, I say such mean things to her and how I don't treat her as she deserves to be treated.  She then said that she didn't like me and that I should sleep on the couch...I agreed. 

When we were preparing to go to bed, she asked why I looked so upset, seemed surprised that I was still going to sleep on the couch, and she had changed her mind and now wanted me to sleep with her.

I love her, but it's moments like these that I really question what kind of future we have if she actually believes this, and I really think she does. 
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jessicapuppy
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« Reply #1 on: February 22, 2012, 05:34:02 AM »

Hi there

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. 

I am just getting to grips with BPD, as the now recently made ex-partner of a man with BPD, NPD and Bipolar, but I believe that this is Projection.

http://www.BPDcentral.com/resources/basics/games.shtml

JP
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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?
This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board.
All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)
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« Reply #2 on: February 22, 2012, 09:36:46 PM »

Darwin2012, criticism is not easy to comprehend. And you are not a bad person - its my understanding that you may be struggling to keep your head above the water line.

Understanding that many folks criticise and it’s usually never to do with the person being victimised. So this is not about you ~ it’s about her fears. Your fears may creep in too – do you believe or even partly believe what she is accusing you of?

When you argue, she sees you as the perpetrator to her intense self loathing. It is projection and it could also be partly feeling invalidated.

Arguing - don't engage

I can also suggest you have read up on fear, obligation and guilt. I found all these to be much of the reason why I reacted the way I did to my SO: Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

and we have been arguing a lot

Arguing is invalidating for you both. To stop the bleeding and cycle of conflict – are you willing to try some new ideas?

I say such mean things to her and how I don't treat her as she deserves to be treated.  She then said that she didn't like me and that I should sleep on the couch...I agreed.  

Do you see how you response contributed to things going badly?


Can you share the scenario that lead to you being sent to the couch?
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