Daughters wedding forced contact with stbxH

[Think About It...]

I knew I would have to see stbxH at our daughters wedding and it was hard. Maybe more than I thought it would be because he clearly expected 100% loyalty from our kids and his family members.

It has been over 4 months side I moved out and went NC. My daughter was upset that I left when she was in the middle of planning her wedding so did not support me. We spoke, kept in contact but it was limited.

I ran into stbxH several times during the wedding weekend and he would look away and not speak to me which I was not surprised about, but he did it to all my family members which was over the top rude. Everyone in my family was astounded at his immaturity. They have no ax to grind and have known him for over 35 years so felt they could be civil. Clearly stbxH could not.

The wedding was at a small city, out of town for everyone so we all stayed at the same hotel where a reduced rate was offered. I ran into my daughter and stbxH at the elevator of the hotel. My daughter would not hug me, was obviously annoyed at my presence. As I left, she apologized to her dad that I was there. Later that day my family and I went to a restaurant for dinner and my daughter and stbxH showed up. Again neither would acknowledge my presence. My family went to say hello. stbxH buried his head in his phone, pretending to be busy texting. A simple hello would have been easier. He was working so hard to reject us. We all started to actually feel sorry for him. He was pathetic.

We had a rehearsal, welcome dinner, wedding ceremony, reception  then a farewell brunch. After the first event, where I was greeted and chatted with in-laws, I was marginalized and ignored by daughter, my youngest son and stbxH (no loss there). It was clear after the first event that the message was given to ignore me. My youngest sons GF even told me so when I attempted to speak to her again. My oldest son, his wife and my MIL all took the time to be supportive then got the same treatment as me as a result. It was clear that 100% loyalty was expected by stbxH otherwise they would be cut from the group.

At the reception, stbxH was at a table with our daughters new in-laws. I was put at a table far away with just my own family members, no in-laws or friends nearby. It was obvious the seating was a message. It was stressful, not enjoyable at all. It was a huge wedding and I had a lot of people to meet and it became awkward many times.

My daughter called me the morning after the wedding, prior to the farewell brunch. She asked me to pay for it (she said about $1500). Astounded, I reluctantly agreed to pitch in. When I arrived at the brunch she would not even speak to me. My mother and sister became adamant that I not pay mainly due to daughters ignoring me when she was ahead of us in line for the buffet brunch. It was awful. I really felt torn. I did not pay. I know she will now use this against me. My temporary support is ample, but I have no job, while my stbxH is doing exceptionally well in the health care field. I get less than 25% of his take home pay as support. He gave our daughter more than enough money to pay for a lavish wedding so I'm not sure why she wanted money from me. I think her dad is telling her more lies, that i am taking all his money (he declines to inform her that he has back taxes that will likely bankrupt him)... I just felt sick after it was all over.

My oldest son wants to discuss what happened because he faces things head-on and is very outspoken. I am emotionally numb, not sure I am ready to rehash it all just yet so we will talk eventually.  It was hard to be treated as though I was there for show only. My daughter went out of her way to accommodate her father and to reject me, yet he is the parent that is using illicit drugs, the one that lies, has cheated and has not paid taxes for 8 years. It's going to take a long time to get over this.

I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading.

[aquarian]

I knew I would have to see stbxH at our daughters wedding and it was hard. Maybe more than I thought it would be because he clearly expected 100% loyalty from our kids and his family members.

It has been over 4 months side I moved out and went NC. My daughter was upset that I left when she was in the middle of planning her wedding so did not support me. We spoke, kept in contact but it was limited.

I ran into stbxH several times during the wedding weekend and he would look away and not speak to me which I was not surprised about, but he did it to all my family members which was over the top rude. Everyone in my family was astounded at his immaturity. They have no ax to grind and have known him for over 35 years so felt they could be civil. Clearly stbxH could not.

The wedding was at a small city, out of town for everyone so we all stayed at the same hotel where a reduced rate was offered. I ran into my daughter and stbxH at the elevator of the hotel. My daughter would not hug me, was obviously annoyed at my presence. As I left, she apologized to her dad that I was there. Later that day my family and I went to a restaurant for dinner and my daughter and stbxH showed up. Again neither would acknowledge my presence. My family went to say hello. stbxH buried his head in his phone, pretending to be busy texting. A simple hello would have been easier. He was working so hard to reject us. We all started to actually feel sorry for him. He was pathetic.

We had a rehearsal, welcome dinner, wedding ceremony, reception  then a farewell brunch. After the first event, where I was greeted and chatted with in-laws, I was marginalized and ignored by daughter, my youngest son and stbxH (no loss there). It was clear after the first event that the message was given to ignore me. My youngest sons GF even told me so when I attempted to speak to her again. My oldest son, his wife and my MIL all took the time to be supportive then got the same treatment as me as a result. It was clear that 100% loyalty was expected by stbxH otherwise they would be cut from the group.

At the reception, stbxH was at a table with our daughters new in-laws. I was put at a table far away with just my own family members, no in-laws or friends nearby. It was obvious the seating was a message. It was stressful, not enjoyable at all. It was a huge wedding and I had a lot of people to meet and it became awkward many times.

My daughter called me the morning after the wedding, prior to the farewell brunch. She asked me to pay for it (she said about $1500). Astounded, I reluctantly agreed to pitch in. When I arrived at the brunch she would not even speak to me. My mother and sister became adamant that I not pay mainly due to daughters ignoring me when she was ahead of us in line for the buffet brunch. It was awful. I really felt torn. I did not pay. I know she will now use this against me. My temporary support is ample, but I have no job, while my stbxH is doing exceptionally well in the health care field. I get less than 25% of his take home pay as support. He gave our daughter more than enough money to pay for a lavish wedding so I'm not sure why she wanted money from me. I think her dad is telling her more lies, that i am taking all his money (he declines to inform her that he has back taxes that will likely bankrupt him)... I just felt sick after it was all over.

My oldest son wants to discuss what happened because he faces things head-on and is very outspoken. I am emotionally numb, not sure I am ready to rehash it all just yet so we will talk eventually.  It was hard to be treated as though I was there for show only. My daughter went out of her way to accommodate her father and to reject me, yet he is the parent that is using illicit drugs, the one that lies, has cheated and has not paid taxes for 8 years. It's going to take a long time to get over this.

I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading.

[Sealie]

Oh my dear Aquarian, 

I remember how anxious you were about this wedding, and it seems from your account that the nightmare you hoped wouldn't happen became reality.

I feel your pain and emotional numbness - but so admire your strength and tenacity to complete all the ceremonial functions from the rehearsal, welcome dinner, wedding ceremony, reception to a farewell brunch.  That's an enormous amount of courage - in your shoes, I probably would have wimped out to being present at the ceremony itself only.
 
I cannot imagine the impact of the hurt and cruelty of your daughter ignoring you and even apologising for your presence ... my heart goes out to you.  The malicious cruelty of your exh's actions to alienate you is par for the course with PDs' irrational focus on self in any circumstances, but that he has manipulated and brainwashed your daughter on what should have been her special day is beyond forgiveness.

In a way, I do feel so sorry for your daughter as well - that she too is an unwitting victim of her father's mental disorder and instead of a father's protection and concern for her wellbeing, he is using her as a tool in order to 'punish' you.

So heartbreaking on all fronts.

But as we both know, spouses with PDs have no hesitation to manipulate/exploit their children in order to have their needs met to achieve cunning emotional-abuse and denigration triumph in their primary 'adversary'.

I so understand that the rejection and emotional impact of what should have been a joyous occasion will take time to digest and work through, Aquarian - and with the support of your family and therapy, this too will pass.
 
I agree it's probably way too early to discuss what happened with your eldest son; give yourself time to recover first so that you are more balanced and in control of your emotions which are so raw just now - you say he "faces things heads-on and is very outspoken" and perhaps you need time to evaluate whether the repercussions of his 'outspoken-ness' could actually make things worse.

I do feel that your exh's rudeness and irrational behaviour at such a big gathering was probably noted by many more than you realise, so possibly there is more comprehension of the truth - in spite of him painting you black - through his own demonstrated immature behaviours than you realise.
 
My thoughts are with you,
   Sealie

[aquarian]

Sealie, Thank you for understanding and for your input. I now have that situation behind me and feel like I can move forward to a better place of healing in terms of the r/s. As far as my kids, there is still a long way to go. I know the actions of stbxH were meant to hurt me. He needs to retaliate. He will do everything he can to make me miserable, but I'm not paying attention to him anymore.
I know that from many people at the wedding who had met me before, they did not even recognize me. And that was a positive thing. People thought I was the sister of the bride, not the mother! It was a bit of sweet revenge, not that I was looking for it. I know I look happy, balanced and that I am enjoying life. I was able to socialize, laugh and dance even amid the family tensions.
I am on my way to healing. It will get better, I just know it.