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Author Topic: So frustrating - please give me an opinion  (Read 1001 times)
Icecreamgenius
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« on: February 22, 2012, 10:15:20 AM »

Can anyone shed any light on this?

My relationship with my ex g/f ended some five months ago. When we ended things, she came with a van and moved out all of her belongings. We agreed what I would keep and what she would take.

About a month ago, I started to get harassing texts about a piece of furniture she left behind as payment to me for smashing up my IPhone in a rage (it cost £170 to replace). I initially ignored her - but one morning before work I reacted and text back ‘delete my number’ we have no unfinished business’. Well, after that I received a tirade of abuse, and a list of ‘her things’ that I apparently have that she wants back, including this piece of furniture.

I initially refused, but after more abuse during the week I agreed to return the trinkets she was after, but not to meet in person.

This morning, I delivered a package of her things to the reception of the school where she works well before school hours so that there was no possibility of seeing her. She had previously agreed to this (although she has since called me a ‘weird guy lurking around the school’). Around lunchtime I received a text saying ‘where is my cheque’. I again explained that I would send a cheque which would pay for the piece of furniture minus the cost of my smashed phone (about £30). I then received pretty much consistent abuse from her.

I was threatened with legal action, her turning up at my apartment mob handed, her calling the police to have me arrested for theft, and then when I didn’t rise to any of this, calling me an alcoholic, a loser, sad, weird, and how meeting me was one of her biggest regrets. I kept my cool and simply said that calls texts would be treated as harassment, but the tirade continued. Again, she has rewritten our former relationship to be the victim. She smashed the phone because I was ‘attacking her’. Then a later text said it was damaged by her accidentally. And then the phone wasn’t damaged at all.

Her behaviour has been disgusting. She is even asking for birthday gifts she gave me back, because they are ‘hers’. I had to let my boss know what was going on and requested some time off because I was about to go to the police. But I took a leap and looked up her mum’s number and called her to explain what was going on. Her mum was pretty ‘whatever’ about it, and that what happened in our relationship should stay there. (A little weird but okay). I did think I managed to convince her that my ex had smashed things up whilst she lived with me. Although her mum told me my ex had told her I was sending her abusive messages. What lies!

I’m thinking the level of abuse my ex is giving me has less to do about the fact that she perceives things belong to her, and more about control. She keeps throwing in things like if you don’t do X by X, then X will be the consequence. Perhaps she is so angry because I have moved on. Clearly she’s trying to hurt me, but I think there’s an element of projection here. She has called me a psycho, dysfunctional, an alcoholic suffering from withdrawal symptoms which is making my texts nasty during the day. She’s the one being nasty! She’s the one being dysfunctional!

She works as a teacher and is probably under a lot of stress. Could it be that she’s lashing out due to the pressure she’s under?

In any case, I’m going to change my phone number as soon as we get this sorted. I hope her mum can see sense, as during my relationship I used to sometimes call her if I was unable to calm my ex down during episodes of raging. Perhaps her mum will act as a go between.

It’s so infuriating and upsetting. It has me a nervous wreck. I mean I’m a guy, I’m physically stronger than her but I’m starting to worry that she knows where I live!

Any thoughts?
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marbleloser
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« Reply #1 on: February 22, 2012, 10:40:27 AM »

I've been at that nervous wreck point too.She's simply painted you black.Everything about you is now BAD.Yes,she'll lie about things to make you being bad "true" in her head.She has to have a scapegoat and you're the one being projected on to.She'll believe her own lies,and some others will believe it too.Most likely,the threats are bluffs,but you never know for sure when dealing with someone like this.Protect yourself as best you can.Buy a voice recorder.Any time she calls,turn it on.Keep all of your text messages,especially any threatening ones or that tell you she loves you.If she tries to triangulate you with someone else,and you happen to meet them,you'll have the texts to show them with the date they were sent.
 If worse comes to worst,have a restraining order issued for her and file charges for harrasment.Text messages are the same as threatening someone in person and she can go to jail for doing so.You have to play rough some times in order to protect YOU.
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avoidatallcost
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« Reply #2 on: February 22, 2012, 10:42:52 AM »

Classic BPD behavior.  The more you give, the more they want.

Ignore her completely.  It'll drive this BP totally insane.  That will be your only satisfaction here.

You tried to be the nice guy, but it's obvious that whenever you respond she just finds more and more reasons to make more demands.  Don't make the same mistakes we made during our relationships with these creatures.  Stop feeding the monster.

Go NC and stay NC.  

She can threaten all the legal action she wants.  Does she really think a judge will sit there and divvy up things like old furniture?  What's next, will she take you to court to return her old socks?  If this is what she is thinking, then she truly is insane.  All the more reason to completely ignore her.  Sure you can save her texts, and get a TRO etc etc but you don't need this kind of drama.  You're not in your crazy BPD r/s any more, stop letting her treat you like you are.
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modelc
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« Reply #3 on: February 22, 2012, 10:48:47 AM »

I feel your pain...sort of going through the same thing.  I've been there with my SO before when we have split up and he has painted me black and it usually happens when he does not have another victim or the victim he does have leaves.  He resorts back to me because he knows I will respond.  My own fault...  Now we are married and only been married 3 months and he is moving back to his home state in about a week.  For right now...things are calm and quiet...he tells me he loves me every day, kisses me good bye, etc...but 3 days ago I was a WHORE and only wanted him to help pay the bills.  I know there are tantrums and rants coming...I just don't know when or how hard they will hit.  I agree with above...protect yourself as much as you can.  Its hard to protect yourself against lies because its her word against yours.  I wouldn't worry about what she tells others...including her family because YOU know the truth.  The threats of authorities is the only thing you need to be concerned about and even those are probably empty.  I don't know how you are financially, but I know in my case...I've lost some things in order to make my life less stressful.  Would it not be easier to just give her the things back and give her nothing to ask for anymore?   I would cut my losses now and move on that much faster.  As long as she has one thread of property to hold onto...she will hold onto it with dear life.  I do wish you luck!
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vre
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« Reply #4 on: February 22, 2012, 11:30:00 AM »

Your reactions and responses are just giving her more material to work with.

You give in on something after a tirade of abuse from her? This just encourages her to keep the abuse up, since for her it's working.

You bring her trinkets to the school? You complain to her mother? She keeps you enmeshed, and gets to re-frame you as some sort of weird stalker.

She's going to paint herself as the victim and you as a weirdo or abuser, no matter what you say or do. It can be incredibly frustrating to get smeared like this. But these are her workplace and her family members. You don't have the leverage to accomplish much with either. Try to reserve your time and energy for people and situations where the odds are not stacked against you.

Best to give her no (or minimal) new material to work with. Save the messages she sends, if you think there's some possibility of her trying to involve the authorities.

Don't respond if you can at all help it, and don't talk to her mother about it any more either.
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dah1029
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« Reply #5 on: February 22, 2012, 12:32:43 PM »

Definately change your cell phone #.  And if somehow she finds out the #, don't respond.  Just ignore her.  Don't leave any identifying message on your cell phone.  Just let the automated voice tell the #.  If she starts up, you can copy your cell phone record on line and show it in court if needed.  You can show who's calling who.  And how many times a day.  That should help you with an RO if needed in the future.  And maybe use a PO box if she doesn't know where you live.  So she can't figure out your address.
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FindingMe2011
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« Reply #6 on: February 22, 2012, 01:34:47 PM »

BPD just looks for a reaction, whether good or bad, to feed the ego. Whether good or bad, when you give the illness anything, it takes from you. Like others are telling you, go NC. Its the kind thing to do, for all involved. BPD wont think so, but what does it matter. Do the things you need to do, to protect you, mentally, and physically. I experienced the same type of behavior, early on, constantly. As time passed, it became less and less. When you stay NC, for a while, it seems the rejection factor teaches the illness, that the stove is too hot.  PEACE
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MaybeSo
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« Reply #7 on: February 22, 2012, 01:36:47 PM »

You could block her number, change your number, not respond ever again to any of her messages or contact attempts so that this is no longer fed,  no matter what, keep all records of her harassement thus far that is on the phone and go to the police department with it and explain she continues to harass you despite your good faith efforts to comply with her requests,  with the evidence in hand, and and ask if you can file a retraining order.   I'm not sure what is keeping you from doing any of these things at this point.
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Icecreamgenius
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« Reply #8 on: February 22, 2012, 03:29:30 PM »

Thank you for your support. What is stopping me from changing my number is the fact she knows where I live, and i don't want her turning up here. She's already threatened to do this today with 'friends and family'. I'm starting to look around for 5 minutes before getting out of the car FFS. I spoke to her mum because it was either that or the police. Next time it will be the police, but then that escalates things again, and whilst I am prepared to do that the consequences for her would be stark.

And what happens if she makes some kind of counter allegation against me to get even? Women are much more obviously the victim to domestic violence for example, and she is an excellent actor. She's already telling people I attacked her, when the opposite is true. I'm torn between taking a very hard line and trying to keep things civil, but I'm failing on both counts.

I am going to change my number most definitely - I just kind of thought her mum would get back to me tonight with something helpful.
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dah1029
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« Reply #9 on: February 22, 2012, 04:20:55 PM »

I agree with you that sometimes it's best to know what they're threatening before they show up.  Maybe have a lawyer get involved.  Send out an official record that she is not to interact with you in any way.  And if she feels she needs to notify you of something, she can do it through your lawyer.  Then at least it's all documented if you need to move onto the Police.
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"Scars remind us of where we've been.  They don't have to define our future".
"All truths aren't easy to understand once they are discovered.  The point is to discover them".
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