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Highly Recommended Book ... One of the main ways we keep ourselves involved in addictive, negative and hurtful relationships is to pretend that this negative present moment isn’t happening. In this book, Margalis Fjelstad, PhD., shows that the only way out of an addictive relationship is to change how we function, what we are willing to put up with, and to develop the courage to make changes.
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Author Topic: So frustrating - please give me an opinion  (Read 1067 times)
Icecreamgenius
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« Reply #10 on: February 22, 2012, 04:55:39 PM »

Thank you dah - thats good advice. For some reason I hadn't considered using a solicitor. I get free legal advice through work, so I will pursue that avenue.

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cuddlecat

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« Reply #11 on: February 25, 2012, 10:54:14 AM »

Maybe a restraining order will settle her ass down!
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BentNotBroken
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« Reply #12 on: February 26, 2012, 12:10:10 PM »

Be careful with what you share with her mom. My BPD exgf has painted me black and her parents are convinced that I am the worst SOB to walk the face of the earth. They are backing her up based on the lies she has told them, and refuse to speak to me. I am realizing that they may be as sick as she is, and are making life difficult for me by providing the resources for her to attack me. (paying for her attorney, blocking me from spending time with my son, etc)

Be proactive with protecting yourself, a restraining order may be a good idea, and the voice recorder is a must. Don't give any information out to others you unless absolutely necessary, if you try to fight the gossip smear campaign with words, you will only look worse in the long run. Let your actions speak for themselves and get on with your life.
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LondonUK

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« Reply #13 on: February 27, 2012, 04:45:44 AM »

I got caught out pretty badly by me ex-BPD partner. After over a year of the usual lies, cheating, self harming, suicide threats, feigned illness (cancer), drug taking, laying in bed all day, not bothering to take her daughter to school, hurting her daughter, and hurling abuse whenever she felt like projecting her crap onto me, I decided enough was enough and told her to move out.

She immediately flipped into the victim and spent a lot of time crying, promising she would change, saying I was her saviour, I was her only true love, and attempted to make me feel sorry for her (which worked). I still kept strong though and told her she needed to move out. So she got physically abusive, hitting me, pushing me, saying the most vile nasty stuff she could muster. Eventually she cornered me and when I couldn't get her to move, I had to push her to one side so I could get away. She literally threw herself onto the floor in a heap, and pretended she couldn't move, or talk. I called an ambulance regardless, explained the situation, they took her away. Then middle of the night I had the police kick my door down and arrest me for assault and attempted rape! Was subjected to a pretty horrendous ordeal of DNA, fingerprints, interviews, medical stuff etc. I always knew it would be bad but I never expected her to do something so "serious". It took a while but the police saw she was crazy (she harassed them to drop the bail condition because she said it was preventing me talking to her! - I told them DON'T YOU DARE lol) and they eventually dropped the case.

Even after she was finally gone she would regularly drive past my house, send me flowers, letters, tell me she's pregnant with my child etc. I got to the point where I was considering a restraining order and some CCTV cameras at my home. I got sucked back in several months later (she'd been attending therapy and said she was fine now) but I've realised that she won't ever stop doing most of these things.

What I should have done was not allow myself to be put in that situation alone with her at all. I too used to speak to her mum / dad when she was out of control and I was out of ideas but at the end of the day they have split loyalties and even though they believed me, they had still heard something completely different from her and couldn't be shown supporting me.

From experience I would say just don't give her anything to go on. Don't engage with her family, even though it helps to take some weight off your shoulders. Just be sure that you don't have anything of hers, and then cut her out safe in the knowledge she can't get to you. She will calm down, and will probably try to re-engage you in some way. That's when you need to be strong because the memories of how bad things were will be fading and you'll remember the good stuff!

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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?
This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving
All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)
LondonUK

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« Reply #14 on: February 27, 2012, 04:52:50 AM »

Forgot to say they are incredibly good at switching behaviour. So I went from being worried about mine & my daughters security, what else she might make up and tell the police etc, to a few months later after she got me talking to her again, thinking that I had been silly and she was never dangerous etc. Just be careful !
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Icecreamgenius
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« Reply #15 on: February 27, 2012, 08:01:22 AM »

Thanks DavidLondonUK - it is very hard to be labelled an abuser when I am in fact the victim. I can only image the trauma you went through. To be honest, the thought of more serious allegations other than physical abuse had crossed my mind, but having obviously not done anything wrong, I try not to dwell on these thoughts too much.

Iim sticking to my guns over paying her for the piece of furniture MINUS the cost of my iphone she smashed in a rage, becasue she needs to understand that a line has been drawn. I will not tolerate abusive behaviour any more, and I will certainly not give in to her every whim. In this way, I hope that she can see and feel the strength in me now, and will not take the risk of me reporting her which would have disasterous consequences for her teaching career. I do appreciate that BPD hates boundaries, but all has been quiet over the weekend since I spoke to her mum. 
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bengaltropicat
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« Reply #16 on: February 27, 2012, 08:38:04 AM »

In a long term relationship, they cycle in and out of the clinger, hater, etc. phases constantly.  I never knew who I was getting when I came home; hey, I didn't know who I was getting if I turned around.  He would turn on a dime.  I didn't even have to do anything, he could just think something and I would be the target.

There was CONSTANT work just trying to make him comfortable so he wouldn't go off on me or the children.  I could NEVER plan any sort of social event, even things for him, because by the next day or week or hour, he would throw a fit, rage, whatever. 

It is all about control.  Even the great sex is about control. That was the most debasing thing for me.  When I realized that during sex, I was enjoying the sex and he was enjoying the exercise of dominion and control over me, it sickened me.  Even that part of our relationship was smoke and mirrors.  Don't fool yourself.  To heal, you need to come to terms with what was happening and then, move on.
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dah1029
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« Reply #17 on: February 27, 2012, 09:02:47 AM »

Ice Cream Genius--  I find it disturbing that your ex is a teacher. 

If there's more harassing behavior, I would definately let her know that you will take legal action and also send a copy of the attorney's letter to her school and the Board of Education.  It's her choice to let this happen if she can't control herself.  And absolutely follow through with the attorney if she doesn't stop.  It's about your boundaries and letting her know you're done with her crap. 

As someone else said on another post, you need a partner, not a project.
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"Scars remind us of where we've been.  They don't have to define our future".
"All truths aren't easy to understand once they are discovered.  The point is to discover them".
Aurelius
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« Reply #18 on: February 27, 2012, 09:49:45 AM »

Don't bother with just a restraining order...get a PROTECTIVE order...it's a restraining order on steroids and brings more punch to the courts just in case you need it...I got one, and it keeps her away like fox urine repels stray cats...just sayin smiley
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Icecreamgenius
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« Reply #19 on: February 27, 2012, 09:57:19 AM »

'Ice Cream Genius--  I find it disturbing that your ex is a teacher'.  

Couldn't agree more Dah, especially since she has absolutely no impulse control and has confessed in the past that she has previously been attracted to pupils. I consider it only a matter of time before the wheels come off her career. I have the strangest of feelings she will spend some time in prison during her lifetime...

Anyway, you give good advice. I will protect myself to the fullest, and if that means contacting the Education Authority I will do so. She must be accountable for her actions at some point. In the UK we have a saying. 'If you give them an inch they will take a mile'. I have drawn a line and if she crosses it there will be consequences for her.
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