The conflicting emotions in me are killing me

[Think About It...]

Aviator,
      As a man of faith and also a pastor, I can totally understand the place you are in because I'm right there with you. When IS enough enough? My family (mom, dad, brothers, etc) keep asking me that! I think I've figured it out by drawing some pretty clear boundaries for her and ones that I won't bend on (involving my basic human rights in the house). I have prayed for YEARS to be released from this, some how, some way. I want nothing out of the house or out of the marriage. I'd settle for my clothes, my bicycle (sorry, I really love that bike!), my books, some personal keepsakes and my small car. I just want to know in my heart that I didn't just up and walk out. I want to know that I truely did do everything I could and that I had to either leave or be abused. Nothing more, nothing less.

coffeeaddict

[coffeeaddict]

Aviator,
      As a man of faith and also a pastor, I can totally understand the place you are in because I'm right there with you. When IS enough enough? My family (mom, dad, brothers, etc) keep asking me that! I think I've figured it out by drawing some pretty clear boundaries for her and ones that I won't bend on (involving my basic human rights in the house). I have prayed for YEARS to be released from this, some how, some way. I want nothing out of the house or out of the marriage. I'd settle for my clothes, my bicycle (sorry, I really love that bike!), my books, some personal keepsakes and my small car. I just want to know in my heart that I didn't just up and walk out. I want to know that I truely did do everything I could and that I had to either leave or be abused. Nothing more, nothing less.

coffeeaddict

[MeSoBlu]

coffeeaddict,  you are a Pastor?  This must be killing you! I struggle with my prayers to God...I never ask him to fix this but to give me peace of mind and strength through all of this. But the worst part is, I believe in my marriage vows, for better for worse... I saw our pastor 10 years ago when my uBPDh went this deep and moved out, but because we moved I haven't found another i feel comfortable talking with. But even back then, he knew my uBPDh and NOONE would imagine the crap I have been through with him. The "mask" he wears for the rest of the world to see and the person I get to deal with when he goes into these black holes.  How do you deal with it? What advise would you give to one of your flock if you knew they were dealing with the same type of situation?

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[cyrix]

I see so much of my situation in this. I have also tried prayer and want to try that again. I was naive before and had asked her to join me in prayer and she never did. She always looks down on anything spiritual (shes a communist/atheist).

My point is that she wont give anything a try to help her even. She has no friends and no god to pray to which means that when it gets really bad she turns to alcohol. Which makes it even worse.

I was hopeful and happy these past few days because everything was good. She even said herself that "you know BPD is there so maybe you should speak such a language so as not to trigger me" and that we are great together and she will try hard and was even willing to seek therapy. I said that she should decide concretely if she wants therapy and then she can go one on one. She agreed when I said that her life has been hard and abused and that she needs to deal with that with a therapist. She agreed on that too.

So here I was on Saturday morning thinking there is hope..until i woke up and walked in the living room and saw an exercise book. So in the kitchen i asked her "hows the yoga thing going". BOOM. First she said "she didnt wana answer"...i asked again..."why not"..It was so early in the morning and still with no food in my stomach i was just not ready for the barrage of being called an uncaring husband who doesnt listen.."its like living with a dead body" (referring to me)..."i have told you before i am following that book"..(ok, so ? I just asked how it is going? not that i dont know). She started shouting when I said "I dont deserve this, I did nothing wrong. You could have answered a number of ways without attacking me. You need to say sorry for this"...of course that fell on deaf ears and now shes locked in the bedroom.

I know that for this to snow ball into a 10 hour marathon fight would be very easy and the only way to stop it is for me to say sorry! and somehow contain the fight. And I am sick of doing that. She screamed at me and leveled accusations and I should get a sorry not the other way round.

I hate this up and down. One minute I am happy and ok and the next I am made out to be some douche bag. I do not know what to do with these fights anymore!

[Clearmind]

So in the kitchen i asked her "hows the yoga thing going". BOOM. First she said "she didnt wana answer"...i asked again..."why not"..

cyrix, do you see how you could have handled this situation differently? Before it lead to...this:

It was so early in the morning and still with no food in my stomach i was just not ready for the barrage of being called an uncaring husband who doesnt listen.."its like living with a dead body" (referring to me)..."i have told you before i am following that book"..(ok, so ? I just asked how it is going? not that i dont know). She started shouting when I said "I dont deserve this, I did nothing wrong. You could have answered a number of ways without attacking me. You need to say sorry for this"...of course that fell on deaf ears and now shes locked in the bedroom.

What was important about getting an answer from your question?

[Broken Dreams]

So in the kitchen i asked her "hows the yoga thing going". BOOM. First she said "she didnt wana answer"...i asked again..."why not"..It was so early in the morning and still with no food in my stomach i was just not ready for the barrage of being called an uncaring husband who doesnt listen.."its like living with a dead body" (referring to me)..."i have told you before i am following that book"..(ok, so ? I just asked how it is going? not that i dont know). She started shouting when I said "I dont deserve this, I did nothing wrong. You could have answered a number of ways without attacking me. You need to say sorry for this"...of course that fell on deaf ears and now shes locked in the bedroom.

Although this isn't a helpful way to communicate with someone who has BPD, which I'm sure you're well aware by now, I totally get why you reacted like this.

I've been trying to use SET with my partner, which often has good results, but sometimes things get too much and I can no longer stand the lack of respect I get from him. I feel so hurt that I kind of temporarily forget how to use SET, and just want him to know how completely unnacceptable all this (added up over time) is to me. Of course, then it ends in an argument very similar to the one you described - often even down to the last detail of locking himself in the bedroom after. Sometimes (often?) it's just too much, isn't it? I sometimes think you must have to be a saint to deal with living with these people!

I know that for this to snow ball into a 10 hour marathon fight would be very easy and the only way to stop it is for me to say sorry! and somehow contain the fight. And I am sick of doing that. She screamed at me and leveled accusations and I should get a sorry not the other way round.

I do not say sorry unless I genuinely believe I'm at fault somewhere. If I say I'm sorry when as far as I'm concerned I've done nothing wrong, to me, that's like telling him it's completely fine to behave in this way. Going by my experience, I would let go of ever expecting a "sorry" from your wife, too.

I hate this up and down. One minute I am happy and ok and the next I am made out to be some douche bag. I do not know what to do with these fights anymore!

When it occurs to me that this kind of situation is imminent, and I feel that I'm too hurt to be able to use SET or to respond calmly, I leave immediately before it goes too far. Rather than just leaving in silence and possibly triggering abandonment issues (though I'm afraid it has happened like this on a few occasions), I try to say something simple like: "I need some space now, I'll be back in a few hours." And I just go.

If I feel there are things left to say, I say them later, when I'm in the right mindset to use SET.

[MeSoBlu]

Are ya'lls My partners aware they have BPD but haven't had it diagnosed? My BPDh beleutil yoives from his T that he has mild depression, my T however, lead me to the BPD characteristics, and I truly beleive this is what my BPD has. I haven't told him about this board or what my T thinks he has, I jsut try and use the skills. Now like all you, I hate the upd and downs everyday may present itself...had a few of those inthe past few weeks, just when I thought things were going well...here comes the sucker punch! Bam out of the blue, the trigger (unknown to me) comes out and I hear in my head "ding ding, round #...". Anyway we went for a little drive the other night, then he started in
on my driving..OMG...so I did deep breathing to keep myself calm, let him then then gently told him...Hon, until you come back to baseline on your emotions, I can't talk to you and you ruined these nice feelings we were both having.  Amazingly it worked...he clamed down and the evening finished alright, except for the emotinal bruises it gave me again.   Anyway, it any of ya try it and it works, please let me know... Since it worked with him once, I am going to try and use it again...the next time and see what happens, because we all know... they will ALWAYS be a next time!   

[Aviator]

Not only does my udBPDw not believe there is anything wrong with her.  She believes I'm the sick one.  She's been telling our friends and family that I'm bi-polar.  She's asking our friends at church to pray for me that God will "heal" me.  And what's so maddening about this disorder is that she puts on such a happy, cheerful face at church that no one except my closest friends would believe me if I told them about the day she spent two hours browbeating and demanding that I produce a list to "prove" that I had ever done anything for her.  She just doesn't show that side to our friends!

And God help me if she ever finds out about this forum.  I think that would be an instant ticket to divorce court right there...

[Broken Dreams]

My partner is diagnosed with BPD. He's seeing a T and accepts that he has a problem... most of the time. There are also times when he insists that I'm the one with the problem.

I doubt I'd ever tell him about this site. It would mean the end of me being able to post openly here ever again, and I need some support for myself from somewhere in all this. Then there's all the upset and argueing it would cause...