Lost

[Think About It...]

I posted this in the general forum, but was directed to this. Maybe will get additional responses here...

Hello,
My mother lead me to this site which is ironic since she has been the focal point of troubles between my wife and I. I have learned so much in the past hour and a half reading through threads and just feeling like the puzzle pieces are finally fitting together. I recognize that my wife is suffering from this horrible illness. I love her so much and want to help her down the path of healing while maintaining my sanity. I have two initial questions to the folks on this forum. I could write for days about how we got here but here are my dilemas:

1. Money Management: We are horrible at it and I am constantly targeted for trying to control her. So i have recently given her the financial reigns in hopes of having her see the light that her spending is not helping us make ends meet. Is this a good idea? Any suggestions are greatly encouraged

2. Job: She gets great satisfaction out of working (RN) but has been so depressed and feels like she cant handle the riggors of her occupation that it is leaving her sit around the house while our bills keep piling up. I work at home and in order to keep the lights on i had to sell my vehicle which is whole other issue. How do i motivate her to job seek and follow through without it turning into ww3?


Thank you in advance! Patsfan10
 
 
 

[PatsFan10]

I posted this in the general forum, but was directed to this. Maybe will get additional responses here...

Hello,
My mother lead me to this site which is ironic since she has been the focal point of troubles between my wife and I. I have learned so much in the past hour and a half reading through threads and just feeling like the puzzle pieces are finally fitting together. I recognize that my wife is suffering from this horrible illness. I love her so much and want to help her down the path of healing while maintaining my sanity. I have two initial questions to the folks on this forum. I could write for days about how we got here but here are my dilemas:

1. Money Management: We are horrible at it and I am constantly targeted for trying to control her. So i have recently given her the financial reigns in hopes of having her see the light that her spending is not helping us make ends meet. Is this a good idea? Any suggestions are greatly encouraged

2. Job: She gets great satisfaction out of working (RN) but has been so depressed and feels like she cant handle the riggors of her occupation that it is leaving her sit around the house while our bills keep piling up. I work at home and in order to keep the lights on i had to sell my vehicle which is whole other issue. How do i motivate her to job seek and follow through without it turning into ww3?


Thank you in advance! Patsfan10
 
 
 

[Steph]

 Hi and 

Giving her the financial leadership isnt a good idea of one of her coping skills is spending too much money. Have you considered sitting down together and coming up with goals, etc, as a team? The idea of teamwork..where she isnt the bad guy and you arent the controlling dictator of the household..is often the best.

 " Honey, we need to have a conversation about our finances. We are in debt this much and we dont have enough money to pay the bills. Can we plan a time where you and I can sit down and make a plan for how we can improve our financial health?" sort of thing...no blame..just a problem you both share.

  Now, as a nurse myself, the demands she speaks of are real. Nursing is a rewardning and heartfelt profession, which is extremely demanding in almost all ways. Depression, etc, would definately infringe on her ability to face the rigors of an RN psition.


  Is there something else she can do, that is not nursing, while she recovers? Her confidence in herself is likely at a real low as well as her ability to face another super demanding, stressful and rough shift on her feet. Perhaps she could do some private duty one on one nursing, or something completely out of the profession. Its a rough and tumble job and if she is a new nurse, she likely can feel she is being eaten alive. If she is working weird hours, weird days and shifts, that only adds to the stresses. I feel for her. I was there early in my own career and it was awful. She may need some support in finding her niche...maybe its a clinic, or home care, or peds, or...who knows? Or perhaps it is not the right career for her. Its super hard to fake it thru a shift if she is struggling with depression, etc. Maybe there are other jobs that are less demanding for her. Is she willing to explore those?

Steph

[PatsFan10]

Thanks Steph for the response. She was an ER nurse for 9 years and has tried homecare for the last two. She is currently considering going back to school to be a therapist. It pains me to know we are on the brink of financial ruin and she is planning going back to school for another 4 years. She has been offered nursing jobs where she would be behind a desk and she just is burned out.

I agree with the teamwork concept. I have tried that approach. She just feels when i ask a question at the grocery store about something general she thinks im attacking her. I have tried to offer staying home while she shops and she is just so clingy that she believes it is a sign i dont love her.

It is a real mess right now to the point when we have arguements i have trouble not engaging. This site has been awesome for giving me new ideas.

thanks again for your comment.

[CodependentHusband]

PatsFan10,
    Wow! You haven't provided a lot of information on yoru situation, but enough for me to imagine a lot of the dynamics you are trying to deal with. I think I can relate to some of the issues you might be having with your mother as well as your wife. I'm going to give you some brief answers, based on my limited experience and what I have learned about BPD and relationships with people with BPD.

1. If your wife has BPD, she may have impulsive behaviors. Impulsive spending is common with this condition (my dBPDw is a compulsive spender). On the surface, I personally think that it is a bad idea to have your wife manage the money, as she may well not be capable of doing it right now if she is untreated. If she has BPD, no amount of experience with finances alone is going to rid her of her impulsive behaviors, only therapy can do that (meds might help A LITTLE). With this said, if you are going to attempt taking control of the finances, you need to consider a few things: a. Making her feel inadequate by stripping her of this duty is likely going to make things worse, at least for a while. b. You probably don't want to take COMPLETE control of all of the money. After a certain point, this becomes an enabling behavior if your wife doesn't have to manage any of the finances. My wife has access to only about 20% of our income, and I manage the bulk of it to pay all of the necessary bills. I HAVE to tell her "no" a lot, which I hate to do, but it is necessary to protect us financially.

2. This is a tough situation... Tami Green, a recovered BPD sufferer, has been quoted as saying that Tough Love does not work with BPD. In my limited experience, I think that she is right. Tough love tends to only reinforce the negative attitudes and negative thinking patterns that seem to be so pervasive with BPD. I wish I knew something more to tell you about this one. I am fortunate in that my dBPDw (also an RN BTW), likes to complain bitterly about work, but she works regularly, and is actually well-regarded at work (albeit "difficult to work with at times").


In summary, whatever you do, you are probably best served in most cases by taking a softer approach, rather than a hard stand. Since the finances affect YOU, you may have to take a hard stand on that particular thing... these will be your boundaries, which you can read about in the lessons and workshops here.

I wish you luck, and I'm glad you came here. I look forwrad to hearing how things are working out for you and your wife.

[Steph]

Thanks Steph for the response. She was an ER nurse for 9 years and has tried homecare for the last two. She is currently considering going back to school to be a therapist. It pains me to know we are on the brink of financial ruin and she is planning going back to school for another 4 years. She has been offered nursing jobs where she would be behind a desk and she just is burned out.

I agree with the teamwork concept. I have tried that approach. She just feels when i ask a question at the grocery store about something general she thinks im attacking her. I have tried to offer staying home while she shops and she is just so clingy that she believes it is a sign i dont love her.

It is a real mess right now to the point when we have arguements i have trouble not engaging. This site has been awesome for giving me new ideas.

thanks again for your comment.

Nursing is in dog years, I think! and ER...well, tough stuff right there. Did she have BPD symproms when she was working in the ER? or did this show up with the burnout stuff?

  You will want to study the Lessons, to your right. If she has BPD...and I dont know if she does, as it almost sounds like more of a depression disorder,f rom what I have read so far, you will find the Lessons super informative and they can really improve communication as well!

Steph

[PatsFan10]

Well im pretty certain she has this. I have allowed her to convince me many things that i am realizing aren't necessarily true. I have lost contact with all my family and friends. Just received an email from a life long friend that still hasn't met her. (been married for 3 months. dated for 8 months). My friend asked me if he and i were broken up. It just made me realize how this relationship has changed me. We have given up alcohol, which was the ignition to a lot of our blow ups because it would take away my inhabitions to not engage. One of our blow ups landed her in jail. She is very abusive both verbally and physically when she is in that state of mind. Im just lost as my subject heading suggests...

[SmileAnyway]

Hi PF10  Hi!

Follow your gut feeling, if you feel fairly convinced after reading the criteria, you are as good a judge as anyone who is up close.  The diagnosis is a label... but more important than a label is a plan.

Your very speedy courtship and wedding is an indicator of BPD.  They usually commit very quickly and fall head over heels for us... then the trouble can start.

The only remedy for feeling lost is to find your way again. 

We feel lost when we are in unfamiliar terrain, or when our navigational guidance is out.  The last thing we would do when lost is give someone else directions.

So - remedy - stage 1... is take care of you:

  Look after your health, diet, sleep, exercise
  Re-draft your support mechanism - family, friends, spirituality, relaxation
  Read up on this site about 'detachment' - its not about leaving!  Its about learning to manage

Stage 2 then is the other tools that you can use to interact in your r/s:

  Validation, SET - when the r/s is reasonably settled
  Boundaries - when their behavior is not acceptable
  Know in advance what is unacceptable - abuse is never warranted!

Also vital is the right mindset:

  She is a person with BPD, she isn't BPD.  Love her, be cautious of the conditions manifestations
  She has a mental health issue, she is ill, because of the condition she won't respond as I would normally expect
  Whilst it may appear she is manipulating me, she is likely an abuse victim and fears control, abandonment, engulfment, exposure

Try reading 'the high conflict couple' since it may be a good point of reference if past episodes have led to time in jail for her.

Peace to you!  You have our support!