Advice needed

[Think About It....]

Hi, Crazy as it sounds, I am raising a child with BPD that is not related to me by blood or romantic relationship. She is 14 and has been living with me for the past four years, her mother opted out, and her father works abroad so she is with me as sort of a foster child i guess...I am 30, single and have a two year old son. We are currently living with my mother, as i can't handle both kids on my own...my mom doesn't seem to be able to understand or comprehend that Cas doesn't control alot of her behaviour... she's not just badly behaved she has a disease...the therapists keep saying depression, bipolar and goodness knows what else...but she fits every criteria for borderline... i mean, i live with her for crikey sake, I should know. i have put 18 months of research and reading into this...i finally insisted on mood stabilisers about 6 months ago, which have controlled the rages and violence but cant find a therapist accustomed to BPD and it's treatment, nor can i find a support group anywhere but here...i am so conflicted...between hat is best for her and what is best for my little boy...in my heart she is my child too  how does one balance what is best for both of them and how does one make the people around you see that she has a problem without alienating them from her...i have no life, no friends close enough to help, and her biological family are either in denial or don't care...I just don't know what to do anymore...she is out of control...stealing, lyng, manipulating, soon to be kicked out of school at this rate...

[barelyholdingon]

Hi, Crazy as it sounds, I am raising a child with BPD that is not related to me by blood or romantic relationship. She is 14 and has been living with me for the past four years, her mother opted out, and her father works abroad so she is with me as sort of a foster child i guess...I am 30, single and have a two year old son. We are currently living with my mother, as i can't handle both kids on my own...my mom doesn't seem to be able to understand or comprehend that Cas doesn't control alot of her behaviour... she's not just badly behaved she has a disease...the therapists keep saying depression, bipolar and goodness knows what else...but she fits every criteria for borderline... i mean, i live with her for crikey sake, I should know. i have put 18 months of research and reading into this...i finally insisted on mood stabilisers about 6 months ago, which have controlled the rages and violence but cant find a therapist accustomed to BPD and it's treatment, nor can i find a support group anywhere but here...i am so conflicted...between hat is best for her and what is best for my little boy...in my heart she is my child too  how does one balance what is best for both of them and how does one make the people around you see that she has a problem without alienating them from her...i have no life, no friends close enough to help, and her biological family are either in denial or don't care...I just don't know what to do anymore...she is out of control...stealing, lyng, manipulating, soon to be kicked out of school at this rate...

[lbjnltx]

greetings to you barelyholdingon  Hi!

 

glad that you are here 

i can surely understand your fears and concerns.  what an act of kindness to take in and care for this precious child.  it comes at a price though doesn't it? 

how does uBPD14 treat your son?  is he exposed to negative interactions in the home?  how do you take care of you through all of this?

lbjnltx

[qcarolr]

barelyholdingon-  Hi!

It is such a hard place when the needs of the kids in your family are in such conflict. I have struggled with this myself with responsibility for my gd6 and having my DD25 living in the same house. DD does not provide much care for her little girl - I am really the parent here for both of them. Grateful that my dh is able to step up and help. It is good to have your mom to help, even if she does not understand or accept the situation. Is you mom open to gathering information?

What has hepled me is to realize that i have to first take care of myself - to have the strength and courage to be there for the kids. So part of that for me has been finding classes with DBT skills for parents. There are mindfulness classes - my HMO with Kaiser offers this in their general education series. I participated in a parent/adolescent DBT class at the county mental health center. Reading the info is a good start - then it comes down to practicing the ideas with everyone in my life - the boundaries, validating skills, mindfulness, etc. Being in a group class has helped me with that practice. NAMI, a local chapter in your area, offers some classes also that my be helpful. These type of groups or classes also help with the feelings of isolation that are experiencing.

What did you do for personal enjoyment before you took on this foster care responsibility? Have you checked with your county social services to see if they have a community outreach program that includes 'kinship support services'.  THis is another source of support that has been really helpful for me in finding resources for mayself and for both my girls.

Keep coming back - let us know how you are doing - how you are feeling - what kinds of issues come up that you need support around.

WE CARE -
qcr

[cleanandsober]

Our D is also 14.  This is a very difficult age, let alone with mental illness.  I am glad to find someone else with the same age D.   Our D also has ADHD and has an IEP in school since K.  We get help from the state because of our D suicide attempts and high risk behavior (several times she has stolen my credit card, called a cab and taken off, etc.)  State social workers come into our home weekly for family therapy.  We also have a private doctor and therapist (since K).  They won't give official diagnosis of BPD until age 18, so we just work with the symptoms she has and take it one day at a time.  Her doctor tells us she is "developing" a personality disorder, but for now they just say she has a mood disorder with suicidal ideations. 

My support system is the 12 steps of AA and Al-Anon.  (I am a recovering alcoholic - 20 years clean and sober)  You deserve to have a life also, be kind to yourself and keep posting.  God Bless You!