Feeling a little empty

[Think About It....]

My BPDD20 and I have not had much contact lately.  She had an abusive episode with me back in July 2011 and I had finally kicked her out and she went to go stay with my mom.  I did not know what she told my mom but pretty much neither of them are speaking to me as of now.  My mom is a rather "black and white" thinker herself, so of course this is something I have also struggled with to an extent.  I was doing NC with them for a month and then they were doing NC with me when I wouldn't be bullied into doing certain things, etc etc. 

Anyway neither my mom nor my daughter would go out to lunch with me on my birthday as a family (courtesy of my dad, who is a very sweet man.)  It was very hurtful to me and I am having a hard time dealing with it.  I feel like I will never be allowed to set boundaries without punishment.  I feel so bad for my poor dad (who is getting up there) having to be in the middle and probably has to listen to all of us complain about each other.  I constantly worry about the future of our family.  What if we all have to go to a family function together, that is more important than my dumb birthday?  Why does everything have to be so awkward?

On the upside, I did call my daughter today and I left a message on their machine (I have to leave a message as if I am the one who calls over there starting crap with them all the time.  Yeah, right).  I told her that I did miss her on my birthday.  She said she had a cold so I told her I would give her a call in the next week to see if she wanted to go out to dinner.  I thanked her for calling me back.  Hopefully she will go to eat with me and we can catch up.  I am very nervous about this!  What if she doesn't go?  What if she does go but then asks for something I can't provide? 

I don't know what else I can do to "fix" things.  I know I can't fix everything, but I feel like there is a big piece of me missing where my mom and daughter used to be. 

[stupafly]

My BPDD20 and I have not had much contact lately.  She had an abusive episode with me back in July 2011 and I had finally kicked her out and she went to go stay with my mom.  I did not know what she told my mom but pretty much neither of them are speaking to me as of now.  My mom is a rather "black and white" thinker herself, so of course this is something I have also struggled with to an extent.  I was doing NC with them for a month and then they were doing NC with me when I wouldn't be bullied into doing certain things, etc etc. 

Anyway neither my mom nor my daughter would go out to lunch with me on my birthday as a family (courtesy of my dad, who is a very sweet man.)  It was very hurtful to me and I am having a hard time dealing with it.  I feel like I will never be allowed to set boundaries without punishment.  I feel so bad for my poor dad (who is getting up there) having to be in the middle and probably has to listen to all of us complain about each other.  I constantly worry about the future of our family.  What if we all have to go to a family function together, that is more important than my dumb birthday?  Why does everything have to be so awkward?

On the upside, I did call my daughter today and I left a message on their machine (I have to leave a message as if I am the one who calls over there starting crap with them all the time.  Yeah, right).  I told her that I did miss her on my birthday.  She said she had a cold so I told her I would give her a call in the next week to see if she wanted to go out to dinner.  I thanked her for calling me back.  Hopefully she will go to eat with me and we can catch up.  I am very nervous about this!  What if she doesn't go?  What if she does go but then asks for something I can't provide? 

I don't know what else I can do to "fix" things.  I know I can't fix everything, but I feel like there is a big piece of me missing where my mom and daughter used to be. 

[trytrytry]

Dear Stupifly,
I'm so sorry about your birthday sadness.  How hard it must be to to seem to lose your family. Over the years, I've learned to lesson my expectations regarding the behavior of others (my dd26 in particular).  The less I expect, the less I hurt, and the more energy I have to spend on people and activities that feed me.  This is a crazy illness that affects us all so much.  Best wishes for you.

[Outsidemom]

Stupafly,

I think what we all  need to learn is that we can't fix or change anything.  Your daughter has attached ,for now, to your mother, and that is a better alternative than living on the streets.

I truly understand the pain, of being rejected and painted black by your daughter.  Bpds can be very convincing, my BPD convinced my mother that I was holding her back from her life.  My d22 moved out with her homeless boyfriend, and is now on welfare, and my mother  seems to understand that everything wasn't as my d22 portrayed it.

Look up information on this website on Wise Mind.  If you can treat your d20 like an acquaintance, it may relieve some of the tension.  You wouldn't start accusing an acquaintance of not living a lifestyle you approve of, or point out when they lie, or how come they didn't remember their mom's birthday.  You might THINK those things, but you would wave your hand and say, oh well, that is THEIR life.

I have, after almost 4 months, started communicating a little better with my d22.  She has come back home a few times, shared meals with us, we still refer to her bedroom as hers, her photos are on the wall.  But I am trying VERY hard not to change her, although I have offered her help in some aspects of getting her life back together.

And birthdays are so important in my family.  My d22 was living on the streets for hers, and for Christmas.  Yeah, it is empty 

Hang in there, stay cool  .  She hasn't forgotten you, she is taking a break, and she is with family.

[j's friend]

 Stupafly~ I think it would be wise for you to have a backup plan in place from now on when it comes to celebrating family occasions.
If your d and mother do not want to celebrate with you have an alternative arrangment that includes friends or other family so that you are sitting alone when the time comes to it. It may also help to ask your d in advance if she will be able to make it...so you could ask her to let you know say a few days before the event. If she says no a few days before the event well then that leaves you enough time to organise an alternative. If she turns up all well and good, but if she doesnt then you have something else planned anyway.
Over the years my dd17 has spoilt many a family gathering by sulking in a corner the whole time while she is there,continually asking to leave early or nowadays just refusing outright to go...so I have learnt to limit my expectations of her, and this is what you must do to. I know that it is hard knowing that she is refusing to spend time with you right now, but it seems the case that BPD,s only have room for one person and it seems like it is your mother at this moment in time. How long it will last who knows. We cant make people spend time with us when they dont want to, so put this time to yourself to good use and start to put yourself and your own needs first. Staying busy has always helped me.

[peaceplease]

stupafly,

I am so sorry that you are feeling empty.  How sad to have your mom and your dd somewhat estranged. 

I agree with what Outsidemom has suggested on the "Wise Mind" approach.  A former T suggested that I use that commuication with my uBPDd.  I have used it in the past.

I hope that you get the opportunity to enjoy lunch with your dd.  I don't know about your mom and dd at the same time.  I think that would be too much to tolerate.

I hope your empty feeling leaves soon.

peaceplease