I fell apart initially, but I am getting stronger now. I've been taking time for me.
He seems oblivious to what he's done and what is happening, but does talk a lot lately of low mood and confusion. He fluctuates between a lost victim and a vile bully. Then he goes out with his friends, and seems quite high-spirited.
He was never as bad as some of the cases I've read on this forum, in terms of one wrong word and he flies into a rage no matter where he is. His rages tended to be when he and I were alone at home or in the car. They would be over something really silly, or sometimes nothing at all!
He struggles with a sense of identity, and does seem to show remorse and empathy sometimes after an event, but this seems to take a huge toll on him, in doing so. His moods have always been rapidly changing, but I feel his behaviour is not as obvious as other people talk about on here, although I am new to BPD. Perhaps they could spot him a mile off! I believe (as does he) that he also has the influence of other category B disorders. His female cousin is severely affected by personality disorders, so it does look as if there's a genetic predisposition. I think his mother is also affected in this way, although this is only my opinion, and not diagnosed.
So for now, all I can do is carry on as if without him. I do not know what I'd do if he asked to be back together. I certainly couldn't be with him without him committing to therapy, but then...I don't know if I'd ever trust him not to break my heart, again. What I have been through in the last couple of months has been truly horrendous!
Thank you for taking to time to ask me