am I about to be painted black

[Think About It...]

Am I about to be painted black or is she moving on. For about the last month it has been between one minute wanting to be with me and the next she cant stand me. One day last week she needed my help with something I gladly drove to her residence to give her a hand. After few hours of helping her I wasnt able to get everything done. Then I become incompent and was talked to like I was an idiot. After a few days of very little contact, short text message, very short phone calls. She then calls me and talks as if nothing had happened. Later the same night when I tried to call her or text her she would either not answer or was slow to respond. The next day when I talked to her she then again starts to become angry and hostile towards me. I cant quite figure it out or get a handle on this. In the last month, she has become secrtive, most of the time when I call her I never get her right away and she always on the phone with someone else, One day she wants me with her then starts a fight and sends me away for a few days with very little contact. It seems that its getting worse. I guess My question is am I most likely being replaced or is she painting me black or is this just the natural route that this goes in. We have been togther for a year and it is getting worse and more so in the last month or so.

[mitchell16]

Am I about to be painted black or is she moving on. For about the last month it has been between one minute wanting to be with me and the next she cant stand me. One day last week she needed my help with something I gladly drove to her residence to give her a hand. After few hours of helping her I wasnt able to get everything done. Then I become incompent and was talked to like I was an idiot. After a few days of very little contact, short text message, very short phone calls. She then calls me and talks as if nothing had happened. Later the same night when I tried to call her or text her she would either not answer or was slow to respond. The next day when I talked to her she then again starts to become angry and hostile towards me. I cant quite figure it out or get a handle on this. In the last month, she has become secrtive, most of the time when I call her I never get her right away and she always on the phone with someone else, One day she wants me with her then starts a fight and sends me away for a few days with very little contact. It seems that its getting worse. I guess My question is am I most likely being replaced or is she painting me black or is this just the natural route that this goes in. We have been togther for a year and it is getting worse and more so in the last month or so.

[OnceConfused]

Mitchell16:

If there is no fire, why do you see smoke?

Trust your intuition.

Personally, I think your friend is slowly replacing you with a new person. This way the pain of separation for her is NILL. I got the same feeling toward the end of my time with xBPDgf. I could sense a lot of negative vibes, even though she still climed in bed with me. The 2nd day after I left for europe, she had this guy already in her house. Then, it was CLEAR to me as to all of the negative vibes I had felt.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[redfeather]

I agree. Mine did the EXACT same sequence of actions before painting me black and dumping me. I went 100% No Contact. Didnt call and call, no texts, no flowers sent, no trying to run into her at various places around town. Just 100% cold turkey but I also did this: I got in touch with my support network daily, post on here when I feel myself breaking weak (like now), exercise, stay off facebook, started doing activities she always said we would do together but never did ( see everything was in constant chaos, drama when she was around) etc.. I am loving being split black. Do i miss the idealization/honeymoon phase? To be honest I dont. Because then comes the devaluation phase. Then comes attempts to re-engage, short brief honeymoon/clinger phase then back to hater phase ad nauseum if you let them.
Being "painted black" most assuredly has its privileges!

[mitchell16]

Thanks for all the input. My gut tells me she is interested in someone else and that she has already moved on. But Of course whenever I ask any question about the behavior, she always tells me that Im to suspicous, or she just needs her space or she just been busy, blah, blah. Or the good one is she doesnt feel well and Im putting pressure on her.  I told her the other day that I felt like she was slowly moving me out of her life and she didnt deny just looked at me. when I told her it must be true because she didnt respond, she said you know I dont respond to stuff like that. Then she diverted the conversations to one of my past relationships. As of today I havent heard from her after she raged at me earlier. Of course just in the time for the weekend, probably had plans. I have put up with this stuff for about a year. she has pulled simliar stuff on and off and whenever I question her on anything she turns it around, Im paranoid, untrusting, controlling, needy and on and on. Just a mess. She is not overly jealous but she she does get jealous its over the simplest things and then shes completely out of control. Just cant figure out what to do.

[redfeather]

Hey Mitchell, we could be possibly be dating the same woman. Same exact turn of events occured. She started pulling away, I noticed said something she gaslit me and or reassured me "that is just how she is" all her friends knew this. So then like you I would say to myself WOW maybe its just me then I would contact her ask her out to be completely ignored. COMPLETELY! All weekend hear nothing and then lo and behold she would want to hang out say Monday or Tuesday day or nite. Thats because she had plans with her newest and i had been relegated to standby. Then if Fortune smiled her way, the new one would take the bait hook line and sinker and voila I would be painted black.
There is but one way to stop this push/pull/I hate you/Dont leave me dynamic and it is called 100% NO CONTACT. That is first. It does in fact hurt intiially like a mofo. Then I read here and it finally started to sink in enough I was able to recently avoid a full blown new relationship with a pwBPD: The pain we experience is coming not from them but from within us. These "core" wounds have to be healed. That is why NC is so important. Peace brother.

[mitchell16]

thanks. I have went NC in the past but would always get suckered back in with Im sorry and its just my relationship fears that cause me to run away, but your the person i want. Blah blah. The only time she ever did any type of reassuring was during the first 6 months of the so called relationship. Nothing like that in the last say 6 weeks. In the last 6 weeks its just been hot the instant cold. One minute wants to see me friday and saturday but come sunday she has things to do that dont include me. And if I try to do something with her during that time, she most of the time will find something to start a fight with me or recycle an old argument or make some off the remark accusation at me that will cause me to defend myself and then she can say see there we have to many issues or I have to many issues. This person is a real person of work, she can flip something on you in a heart beat and have you feeling like you done something wrong but yet you can never remember or understand what you did wrong. The NC has worked the best but like I said she knows how to pull me back in every time. Im hoping that I wont hear back from her this time but once gut tells me Im sure I will at some time in the near future.

[redfeather]

I understand where your coming from especially about the re-engage(s). When the call or text comes please keep in mind there is something going on with someone else  in the background that is causing this contact from her. Not trying to be mean but unfortunately its the truth. The only known way to make the pain begin to stop is to go 100% NC. I am sure when my little pwBPD tries to re-engage with me the conversation will be :I am sorry I ran away it was just my relationship fears blah blah blah. But I know now from my 1st BPD relationship what I am dealing with. Thats why this time no matter what is said or done for me by this person i recently dumped on HER head I cant go back. Because I know the pain of going back would be unbearable not only to me but to her as well.

[mitchell16]

Thanks for the input.  Reading all this information has been an eye opener for me. I never knew anything about BPD and I just stumbled across this information and I was like WOW this is what I have been living for about 12 months. I have heard the Im sorry I had to run because of my relationship fears, I was so confused but now I know or my personal favorite is you mean the world to me but because I cant do relationships it wouldnt be fair to keep you hanging on. Then she would have to go out of town for 3 or 4 days to "think" and then would come back and now she once again knew that I was what she wanted. This has been a crazy dance. Of course My gut always told me that their was someone else that she was interested in but they are such convincing liars that they can make you believe that you dont see what you know you see. Mine would get a phone call and have to go to the bathroom to talk to whoever and then comvince me that it was personal family type business that she was uncomfortable discussing in front of me. Even though I didnt believe it, I would just try and give her the benfit of the doubt. At this moment after her last rage episode I havent heard from her in about 24 hours and though I do miss her dont really want to hear from her. We have never went longer than 7 days without making contact with each other I do feel like that it will be longer this time if she makes contact at all.

[redfeather]

Not to give you false hope but she will in fact contact you again. until then Keep reading here as much as possible, ask questions, go out with friends, exercise is a biggie even if you are upset, listen to music, dance, volunteer, call friends etc... My point is keep on living your life. use BPD family as your support group (many here such as myself have done this doe see doe before).
When my 1st pwBPD contacted me after dropping me on my head I knew nothing of push/pull, abandonment/engulfment, re-engaging, hater phase etc.. Now I do. So for me going no contact this time is realizing it does not matter if my latest gal cries,begs,threatens, cajoles, makes me laugh whatever it cannot work. it just cant. See the thing they want to experience the most, intimacy and love they cannot due to lets say the hardwiring in their brains. And I cant sacrifice my self worth,esteem and possibly my physical health. I just cant. I wish I could be with her she makes me laugh, she is smart, goofy irreverant but she walked away from our relationship without a glance backwards. And now I know why. she is mentally ill.

[mitchell16]

Thanks Redfeather for the advice. Im sure I will hear from her maybe not today or tomorrow but In the future sometime. But Im am learning that its not about me or that she really loves me or miss me. It just about a game of control and probably security to know that Im just still here waiting for her. The first time I went NC contact with her was about 6 weeks ago after she called me and told me that she didnt want to be in a relationship with me, that we had to many diffrences and that it didnt have future. This came after she went out of town to relax and think. She called and told me that she didnt want to be with me anymore. I agreed with her and ended the call. After about 3 days she showed up out of know where at a location she knew I would have to be at. We had some polite conversation and after that the text message started. When I didnt repsond they got more intense. Then the calls came and she left message that were the edge of being very hateful and her being very sorry. I still didnt respond. Then I started getting the "Im sorry and I made a mistake" text messages. Thats when I broke. We started talking and I got sucked back. But it was a mixture of one minute she wanted me with her and then the next she was being hateful and didnt want to see me and then the next couldnt get enough of me. One time even had the nerve to ask me if i was gonna get her an engagement ring after all this hell. Last time I spoke to her which was a few days ago she was hostile and basicly hung up on me and I was left wondering what I had did this time.

[redfeather]

Much of what you have experienced I did as well. First and foremost take care of yourself emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. One really positive consequence of no contact is gives you time to clear your head. Really write down what it is you want in a relationship. I bet if you do it woulnt look anything like what you are experiencing right now. You deserve good Mitchell not this. This is in no way shape or form good for you. She wont stop it so unfortunately you have to through NC.