Physical Effects

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Awful abusive raging from my BPDbf all yesterday and reaching a climax with him hiding my phone from me and trapping me in my room. When I woke up this morning every muscle in my upper back, neck and legs were unbelievably tense and sore. I actually thought for a second, "Well I went for a long walk, but it's weird that I got sore..." before realizing that of course sustaining that level of tension and self-protection for a whole day would do that! Does anybody else notice physical effects from life with their BPDSOs?

[hurtheart44]

Awful abusive raging from my BPDbf all yesterday and reaching a climax with him hiding my phone from me and trapping me in my room. When I woke up this morning every muscle in my upper back, neck and legs were unbelievably tense and sore. I actually thought for a second, "Well I went for a long walk, but it's weird that I got sore..." before realizing that of course sustaining that level of tension and self-protection for a whole day would do that! Does anybody else notice physical effects from life with their BPDSOs?

[Clearmind]

hurtheart44, it’s possible. Stress/fear can cause a number of physical symptoms.

This does not sound like a good situation! If he is being abusive and raging please leave the house. You will not get him to see any reason when he is so dysregulated.

Does this happen often? Was he in the room with you? What happened hurtheart44 to cause his raging?

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[hurtheart44]

It definitely isn't the best situation but we're both actively working on new ways to make it better. He had been mean, critical and accusatory all day but I tried to disengage and stay in the same vicinity as him so we could just be together without interacting. That didn't work, as I eventually got worn down and defended myself when he started snooping around my things and computer, looking for something to be mad about. The splitting/raging happens probably 3-4 times a week on varying levels, but we live separately so when it happens over the phone I can tell him I love him but that I won't talk to him when he's like that and hang up. When we're together it's a little more complicated since he has a tendency to keep my things from me and block the door when I'm at his house or refuse to leave (or leave me alone) when we're at mine.

Yesterday morning he was totally clear and apologized for everything. A while ago he told me that any time the situation gets bad at his house, I should yell for help from his family on the other side of the wall or go for a walk without my things so he won't get all paranoid about me leaving and try to stop me. That has been working but we still haven't been able to come up with a plan for my house. Wednesday night he kept threatening to ruin my life, etc., which I know to be aware of so I started to call the police but he threatened to attack the officer who came to the door if I did.

I told the woman who answered the non-emergency line that nothing was wrong and hung up. I knew I wanted to and should, but I couldn't call. Yesterday morning, he told me that next time it happens at my house that I shouldn't be afraid to call the police and not to listen to whatever way he tries to discourage it. It's messed up but hearing that from him makes me feel a lot more comfortable to do whatever I can to protect myself when he splits.

[Alvino]

Hurtheart,

while you may see his telling you to call for help or "leave your things so I know you're coming back" as encouraging behavior, from my perspective it looks like you have already accepted the fact that he will prevent you from leaving when you want to leave. Taking your phone away from you is also completely unacceptable - as he is taking a safety device and also using it as leverage to blackmail you into staying physically around.

Wednesday night he kept threatening to ruin my life, etc., which I know to be aware of so I started to call the police but he threatened to attack the officer who came to the door if I did.

Wait - WHAT?

This, is totally unacceptable behavior, morally, ethically and legally. Threatening to hurt another person to control your actions. This is the very definition of terrorism. It is a hostage taker threatening to harm another person if you do not comply with their demands.

You may not see it clearly because he is gaslighting you and you keep assuming that he has your best interest at heart, but he is effectively keeping you a prisoner - and you seem to have accepted being his prisoner in his house or yours, and all you are doing now is negotiating the rules for your prison with your guard. Stop listening to his words and start listening to his actions.

You may want to look up "stockholm syndrome" and "learned helplessness".

And yes, I can emphasize with the feeling of soreness from the sheer physical tension that our bodies go through feeling continuously on edge and preparing to be defending ourselves from an attacker who claims to "love" us.

You should read up on having an escape plan and setting boundaries.

May I suggest you call a domestic violence hotline (prob. best from a public phone in case he is checking your calls), tell them that he threatened to harm the police officer if you called for help, and also that you pass by the police station to inform them and ask for their suggestions? At the very least you will get some professional insights and prevent him from permanently keeping you under control with fear.

Please take care of yourself - what you are goint through is totally unacceptable and I believe you are in serious danger.

 Best of luck.

 

[WalrusGumboot]

Does anybody else notice physical effects from life with their BPDSOs?

Blood pressure = 172-121 soon before my stxbw and I separated.

Blood pressure = 110-68 after three months away from her.

Nuff said.

[o2bz14u]

I am surprised that they did not come out to check on the situation anyway. They are trained to know that the person calling may have a gun or knife to them and are being told to  hang up or to say "Nothing is wrong. Sorry."  while the butt of the gun is being pressed into their belly.

I realize that with budget cuts the police are stretched to the max, and when having to decide at the very moment, to respond to a call where a person says "My husband just shot the dog and is pointing the gun at me!" or "Sorry. It was nothing. Nothing at all." they will respond to a situtation they KNOW to be dangerous before just checking up a possible wrong number dialed.

I don't know why you were afraid of him trying to attack the police officer. They are trained how to respond, and have the means to take someone down without injury to themselves or the perp. (Of course things could escalate.) If he would attempt to attack a PO he would be arrested and he could not blame you for it. (Of course we don't understand how BPD thinks.) I DO understand how tough it is to make these decisions. I've been there. Got the T-shirt.  And the coffee mug. You did what was right for you at the time.

.

[o2bz14u]

I'm sorry I don't know how my post got so messed up. I am not very computer literate. The message in the blue box is what I wrote.