You are going to blow up

[Think About It...]

So I let my uBPDw STBx bait me into an argument again this morning. I sent her a text to let her know I was going out after work and that I would not be home to take care of the dogs and puppies.  She always took it for granted that I would be there to do that during our marriage and I did not want them to suffer because she had more important things to do tonight.  So immediately after I hit send the phone rang. It was her dressing me down about asking her daughter if she was coming home the night before  saying I should not drag her daughter into our issues. If I wanted to know if she was coming home I should call her. I said I did ask you remember you said you were not sure  but that usually means that you are not coming home. I agreed with her that i have no desire to drag her daughter into our issues. I was just trying to make sure the puppies were covered. Then she said you need to quit talking to my daughter about what it was like growing up with me as I know what you are doing. I guess all I was doing was trying to make sense of what happened to us and wanted a little back story from someone who lived it. She said I am making her daughter feel uncomfortable. I never felt that during my conversations with her daughter but I am going to apologize to her daughter and let her know I am sorry if I made her feel uncomfortable. Her daughter is 27 and pretty level headed person that is able to carry on a an adult conversation. I can see her mother is starting to put on her a lot of the work she had me do in the past which I do not see as fair to a 27 yr old with a boyfriend. She should be able to do her own thing instead of having to bend to her moms wishes and cover for things her mom said she would do.  Then she go to the meat of the call she said I have a few things to tell you once I have moved out that will blow things up. To which I said why not say them now as saying now or tomorrow or a week from now really is not going to make a difference when you blow up. Oh it is not me that is going to blow up it is you once I get done telling you what I am going to tell you. To which I replied Oh no what am I going to do the stress of wondering what you are going to tll me may kill me before I hear it. I do not know if I can wait oh what will she say to me. To which she replied you are and A**h**e. To which I said see you tonight. I need to quit engaging as reading what I just wrote shows the futility of it all. She is moving out tomorrow so I am going LC till we finish all our business together then it will be NC I need to remove myself from this situation as anytime we interact she knows what buttons to push. I have declared my desire to do  our come to Jesus meeting in a public place so that the blow up she mentioned I would have will be tempered by the environment.

[haywood911]

So I let my uBPDw STBx bait me into an argument again this morning. I sent her a text to let her know I was going out after work and that I would not be home to take care of the dogs and puppies.  She always took it for granted that I would be there to do that during our marriage and I did not want them to suffer because she had more important things to do tonight.  So immediately after I hit send the phone rang. It was her dressing me down about asking her daughter if she was coming home the night before  saying I should not drag her daughter into our issues. If I wanted to know if she was coming home I should call her. I said I did ask you remember you said you were not sure  but that usually means that you are not coming home. I agreed with her that i have no desire to drag her daughter into our issues. I was just trying to make sure the puppies were covered. Then she said you need to quit talking to my daughter about what it was like growing up with me as I know what you are doing. I guess all I was doing was trying to make sense of what happened to us and wanted a little back story from someone who lived it. She said I am making her daughter feel uncomfortable. I never felt that during my conversations with her daughter but I am going to apologize to her daughter and let her know I am sorry if I made her feel uncomfortable. Her daughter is 27 and pretty level headed person that is able to carry on a an adult conversation. I can see her mother is starting to put on her a lot of the work she had me do in the past which I do not see as fair to a 27 yr old with a boyfriend. She should be able to do her own thing instead of having to bend to her moms wishes and cover for things her mom said she would do.  Then she go to the meat of the call she said I have a few things to tell you once I have moved out that will blow things up. To which I said why not say them now as saying now or tomorrow or a week from now really is not going to make a difference when you blow up. Oh it is not me that is going to blow up it is you once I get done telling you what I am going to tell you. To which I replied Oh no what am I going to do the stress of wondering what you are going to tll me may kill me before I hear it. I do not know if I can wait oh what will she say to me. To which she replied you are and A**h**e. To which I said see you tonight. I need to quit engaging as reading what I just wrote shows the futility of it all. She is moving out tomorrow so I am going LC till we finish all our business together then it will be NC I need to remove myself from this situation as anytime we interact she knows what buttons to push. I have declared my desire to do  our come to Jesus meeting in a public place so that the blow up she mentioned I would have will be tempered by the environment.

[WillThisGetBetter]

I would have a friend there with you for support.  She may not tell you then.  Fantastic!

[BentNotBroken]

If your BPD SO is anything like mine, she will say anything to get what she wants. Facts be damned, full speed ahead. She raged at me for 12 out of 14 days back in Sept-Oct of last year. During that time I was: recovering from a recent surgery, helping take care of our newborn son, packing an entire house to move (demanded that I move out), suffering from 2 ruptured discs in my spine, undergoing IV antibiotic treatment for a chronic multisystemic infection, and was only sleeping a few hours a day. She screamed constantly, threw things (mine only), called me every horrible name she could come up with, made false accusations of abuse by me to her parents and all of the neighbors, and tried to break me down as much as possible as often as she could.

She tried to make me feel as terrible as she felt all of the time. She knew all of my secrets, dreams, hopes, fears, etc. and she pulled out all the stops trying to push me over the edge. Her husband committed suicide after one of her abuse-fests, and she was obviously trying to do the same to me. It almost worked. Almost.

When they have nothing to lose they will say and do almost anything, tell any lie, pull any stunt or manipulation. Before you blow up, keep in mind that what she is saying is nothing more that an attempt to cause you more pain. There may not even be a single shred of truth to it. With them it doesn't matter, they are like wounded animals, lashing out at anyone that dares to get close.

Good luck.
Bent Not Broken

[dah1029]

Definately do it in public or have a friend or family member there.  You don't need to hear anymore crap that flies out of her sewer mouth.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[GreenMango]

911-
Looking at our screen names is pretty revealing ... Foreshadows an emergency.  Not judging mine is greenmango...I look at it now and holysh!t it means not ripe or ready.  I digress...

Having a friend or public place sounds like you are trying to control her, the outcome, or what she can say.  We can't unfortunately...maybe u need a nonconfrontational script for tonight and just leave if she gets abusive.  My advice 911 slow down and get your bearings...sounds like she is baiting you into a fight to make leaving easier for her.  Her manufacturing a negative scenario, you playing into it allows her to not have to look at herself and place the blame/responsibility for your failing marriage solely on your shoulders.  She will do and say anything to maintain this in her mind...that includes projecting, attacking your manhood, shifting blame, etc.  Don't fall prey to diversion tactics.  I guess I'm saying own the sh!t that's yours but only yours without a confrontation.

Her: youre an a$$hole, this all ur fault, blah, blah
You: I can see how you would feel that way.  I am sorry that our marriage hasn't been a success.
Her: see you did this, that and the other.
You: I agree with some of what you said and considering that you feel this way and that I haven't handled myself in our marriage as I would have hoped to I'm asking for a divorce.
Her: more BPD blah blah blah
You: I wish you well Goodbye.

Take care 911-
GM

[WillThisGetBetter]

Meeting her on your own terms, as in a public place or with witnesses is controlling...but HARDLY is it controlling in a bad way.  Doctors all the time control bleeding during surgery, why would you not do the same?

I think it's good advice not to meet her alone.

[GreenMango]

WTGB
I'm not advocating no witness or doing it in private.  But she could very well misbehave publicly or with a witness so 911 preparing for, mentally and emotionally in addition to physically, might be prudent.  Especially considering that the move out isnt the end...mitigating the fallout during the divorce and paving a path of least resistance as much as possible might be beneficial for 911.
-GM

[haywood911]

I agree with all you said and that is my plan but as we all know everyone has a plan until you get hit in the mouth. This is not to say that she is violent but that we all know they do not play fair and once the gloves are off we can be baited. She left her laptop in the open and I found the letter I sent to my family explaining that I thought she had BPD. She hacked my email account as that is the only way she could have found it. So I am sur ethat is what her talk is going to be centered on. Whatever She no longer has any control over me and I cannot wait for this to be done.

[GreenMango]

911-
I was just admiring your tag line "what does not kill you makes you stronger", or leaves us seriously maimed.  Just wanted to add one more thing...it is quite possible if you handle the move out scenario by adding fuel to the fire it might make the divorce proceedings really hard considering she may hold you completely accountable for the the failed marriage and take her "vengence".   Now I'm not saying that you can control her feelings or thoughts...but it might make the difference between a hurricane 5 and a hurricane 1 coming in.  Maybe a little validation on your part will go a long way towards a hurricane 1.

But, I could be wrong.

Take Care-
GM

[haywood911]

I have been very accommodating with the move out and actually I am going to be helping her. Most likely just the two of us as she is not sure when her son will make it in and her new "friend" i.e. host or as i call him that poor b~, will be helping unload at her new place. So I feel I have been more than helpful with all of this. Who knows how she sees it. She keeps telling me I am doing this for you. I say I see you believe that but that is not my reality you are doing this for yourself. I am sure there is a better way to put that that would be more validating but I can not think of it.

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