I'm so knotted up with stress now, I've got to let this out.
I've not been on this forum long - I came on when I discovered BPD/NPD whilst on Amazon trying to find a book to help me make sense of why my parents hurt me/acted selfishly towards my wedding last November. With some reading around and some good advice on this site, I accepted that mom (as well as most of the rest of my family) are disordered, and dad is en. I've been making my peace with the fact that I cannot change them, and I can set boundaries as to what behaviour I will tolerate from mom, whilst maintaining regular but careful contact.
I was doing good, I think.
And then this happens.
Dad has been diagnosed with a rare blood disease. Depending on his exact test results, and how his treatment goes, if he's lucky he might have ten years to live, he more likely might have five, and if he's unlucky he'll be dead within six months. He is, as I type this, in hospital having a blood transfusion. Mom, of course, is freaking out, begging me for reassurance, telling me how awful things are and how scared she is. I don't begrudge her this, it's natural under the circumstances (of course, I am going through the same thing... the thought that four months ago dad was walking me down the aisle, and in another four I might be attending his funeral, is devastating. For all his parenting flaws, he was the person in my family I was - AM - most close to).
For the moment I am just trying to stay positive and hope his prognosis will be good. But the fact is, I now know with 95% certainty that dad is going to die before mom, and I will be left alone to deal with her. No-one else in the family speaks to her anymore. I know she is selfish and abusive and narcissistic, but, I don't have a heart of stone. Much as I don't want to abandon her when she is left alone, I don't want to get pulled back into FOGing, or to think that grief will magically change her. She has never lived alone in her whole life and this is going to break her, but I know it will ultimately be damaging for me to be reponsible for keeping her together (I'll have a hard enough time doing it for myself).
Any thoughts, advice, welcome. This is tearing me up