D's mum still being abusive and demanding

[Think About It....]

D13 just had a chat with me about her mum contacting her and telling D she will be down next weekend to collect her for a few hours.
D told her mum that she had made plans that weekend so wouldnt be coming.
The mum then went into a rage at her over the phone, D asked her to stop shouting and screaming at her.
The mum replied 'its you whos shouting!'  ?
The D was not shouting, she felt she was being controlled by the situation.
The mum said that D had not bothered to go and see her in over 2 weeks to which D replied that 'Your the one whos not been to see me or bother with me in over 2 weeks and now you ring saying "im coming to get you next week" '
D felt as though this was a demand even though she has made plans to go to a party next week.
D told her mum she wasnt happy with the way she is treating her and shouting at her over things that are not communicated about or organised, just expected of by the mum!


Ive expressed to D that i think its healthy to kep your boundaries but also maybe under the circumstances she could not enable her mum to get angry.
Ive explained a little bit about the exes past and her loss as a child to our D so she can understand a little more about how mum reacts to situations and why possibly.

Im not making excuses for the abuse to our D but i feel if i can make D aware of it she will not enable her mum whilst at the same time recognising that D herself needs to keep her boundaries and not learn to walk on eggshells.

How on earth does the mum not recognise she's hurting her own daughter and killing the bond that they had/have? She seems to forever put the onus on our D to make amends but D is clear that she is not the one to have to make amends, she will twist conversations and try and make our D feel bad for it. Like now i know D feels bad for having made plans when her mum decided she was ready for some time together, The mum went off on 1 and the D feels rather crap about it all now!

Again im left with the mop and bucket cleaning up the emotional mess she leaves in her wake!



D is growing up very quickly within all of this, very mature for her age and im hoping this will make her emotionally stronger as she grows and becomes independant and not an emotional wreck by the age of 20 god forbid!

I guess this is just another vent but id rather vent here than spend wasted energy giving her mum a lesson in the emotional well being of a child!

[Faded]

D13 just had a chat with me about her mum contacting her and telling D she will be down next weekend to collect her for a few hours.
D told her mum that she had made plans that weekend so wouldnt be coming.
The mum then went into a rage at her over the phone, D asked her to stop shouting and screaming at her.
The mum replied 'its you whos shouting!'  ?
The D was not shouting, she felt she was being controlled by the situation.
The mum said that D had not bothered to go and see her in over 2 weeks to which D replied that 'Your the one whos not been to see me or bother with me in over 2 weeks and now you ring saying "im coming to get you next week" '
D felt as though this was a demand even though she has made plans to go to a party next week.
D told her mum she wasnt happy with the way she is treating her and shouting at her over things that are not communicated about or organised, just expected of by the mum!


Ive expressed to D that i think its healthy to kep your boundaries but also maybe under the circumstances she could not enable her mum to get angry.
Ive explained a little bit about the exes past and her loss as a child to our D so she can understand a little more about how mum reacts to situations and why possibly.

Im not making excuses for the abuse to our D but i feel if i can make D aware of it she will not enable her mum whilst at the same time recognising that D herself needs to keep her boundaries and not learn to walk on eggshells.

How on earth does the mum not recognise she's hurting her own daughter and killing the bond that they had/have? She seems to forever put the onus on our D to make amends but D is clear that she is not the one to have to make amends, she will twist conversations and try and make our D feel bad for it. Like now i know D feels bad for having made plans when her mum decided she was ready for some time together, The mum went off on 1 and the D feels rather crap about it all now!

Again im left with the mop and bucket cleaning up the emotional mess she leaves in her wake!



D is growing up very quickly within all of this, very mature for her age and im hoping this will make her emotionally stronger as she grows and becomes independant and not an emotional wreck by the age of 20 god forbid!

I guess this is just another vent but id rather vent here than spend wasted energy giving her mum a lesson in the emotional well being of a child!

[JustSaying]

Doubt it helps, and it certainly doesn't improve the situation, but D14's experience is exactly the same as your D13's. And they react similarly. And they're maturing similarly.

Right now D is in some court-ordered reunification therapy to see if the relationship can be improved. We'll see how that plays out.

X has done the same thing with the schedule. She won't tell us her schedule, then D makes plans, then X calls one day ahead and tells D she needs to wait till mom has made plans before D can make any! Sureeeee...tell a teenager to not make plans with her friends till that day. 

And like your D's mom, my D's mom will yell at her relentlessly and then either pretend it didn't happen or blame D. But D got the upper hand last time, because she secretly recorded it and played the recording for the therapist. When mom denies it to the therapist, all will know the truth. What I then look forward to is what advice does T give D on how to respond to subsequent rages! Surely she won't tell her to just tolerate them...will she? Nahhhhh.

If I'd back you off of one comment, it's the one about telling your D to not enable her mom's anger. What's she doing to enable it? My D followed T's advice specifically, and T confirmed this, and her mom still screamed at her. Mom's anger is not the responsibility of the child in any way, and there's nothing the child can do to stop it...we don't want them feeling responsible for it.

[Faded]

Doubt it helps, and it certainly doesn't improve the situation, but D14's experience is exactly the same as your D13's. And they react similarly. And they're maturing similarly.

Right now D is in some court-ordered reunification therapy to see if the relationship can be improved. We'll see how that plays out.

X has done the same thing with the schedule. She won't tell us her schedule, then D makes plans, then X calls one day ahead and tells D she needs to wait till mom has made plans before D can make any! Sureeeee...tell a teenager to not make plans with her friends till that day. 

And like your D's mom, my D's mom will yell at her relentlessly and then either pretend it didn't happen or blame D. But D got the upper hand last time, because she secretly recorded it and played the recording for the therapist. When mom denies it to the therapist, all will know the truth. What I then look forward to is what advice does T give D on how to respond to subsequent rages! Surely she won't tell her to just tolerate them...will she? Nahhhhh.

If I'd back you off of one comment, it's the one about telling your D to not enable her mom's anger. What's she doing to enable it? My D followed T's advice specifically, and T confirmed this, and her mom still screamed at her. Mom's anger is not the responsibility of the child in any way, and there's nothing the child can do to stop it...we don't want them feeling responsible for it.

Im sorry your also in a similar situation as myself and D.
Im in therapy but only reently, offered someone to talk to for D but ashe said shes ok and doesnt need to talk to anyone.
D seems to excise her boudaries clear enough to me and her mum.
As for the comment to D i think i was more implying that D not rise to her level and therefor enable a full blown argument, your right though i should reword that comment as it is a bit negative and maybe putting a small amount of blame on herself with my comment.

As for schedule ther has never been any schedule between in 13 years, i just made it clear when i would like to see my D as she was growing up, it wasnt made easy for me what with solicitors letters with her thinking im unfit to have D overnight but she is happy for me to spend a few hours on a saturday with D!

I just continued with my role as a father and she never really stopped me, argued yes, moaned yes, threatened me yes, abused me yes but it fell on deaf ears eventually.
So hard to comprehend putting myself in the shoes of a person that does these kind of things to people who fall in love with them and to the children they bear, in fact totally uncomprehendable, wouldnt even want tho think about being that kind of person in life, makes me shiver to think such!

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[Faded]

No let up!

Just got in from a 15 hour shift at work and D's mum giving it large again!

D's mum rang her today in the middle of lesson at school, D answered it in case it was an emergency. Her mum wanted to take her Mcdonalds! WTH!
Ringing her whilst in lesson at school!

D told her to not ring her during school time as it will get her in trouble.

After school the mum rang D again but D said she didnt want to go Mcdonalds as she was with her mate, the mums reply was 'so what time shall i pick you up, D told her 'i just said im not wanting to come'

Then the 'why not!' from her mum then a mini rage.

just after D posts on her FB wall something about people and their mood swings. Her mum is straight back on the phone asking D what thats supposed to mean? D just fobbed her off.

Then D posts on FB, 'why is being a teenager so sht?'
One of the mums friends replied with 'Its ok, im here if you need me, mummy#2'

D's mum then replies with 'Im here and love you. MUM!'
D deleted the comment, 2mins later her mum replies with the same message, again D deletes it, again the mum reposts the comment and again the D deletes it!

Mop and bucket time for me again!

This isnt fair to a 13 year old in my eyes but what can i do about it? really? what can i do other than just support daughter!

At least D is recognising it herself now and is making her boundaries clearer than water but i feel she shouldnt have to go through this BS at her age!

Makes me sad inside for so many reasons!
This is the women i gave my heart and life to, that didnt work out.
This is the mother of our child, what the hell is she playing at?

15 hours at work and now i have this on my mind for the next hour or 4 then got to be up for work in another 9 hours. Not what i need on monday  ?

[JustSaying]

It's eerily similar once again. D's mom calls her during school, too! Left message saying, "when I call you have to answer." And texts her during school with messages to pass on to me. D ignores it, and I do too, except I'll let the therapist know about it.

For Facebook there's a simple boundary. Her mother and I can see her Facebook but we don't post on it. If her mother can't follow that guideline, then maybe she should block her. That's just one of the possibilities of course...instead of letting it get you or her upset, you can deliberately deal with each breach as it occurs.

You know she's going to be this way, so the less you react when she is this way, the healthier it is for you.

[Faded]

It's eerily similar once again. D's mom calls her during school, too! Left message saying, "when I call you have to answer." And texts her during school with messages to pass on to me. D ignores it, and I do too, except I'll let the therapist know about it.

For Facebook there's a simple boundary. Her mother and I can see her Facebook but we don't post on it. If her mother can't follow that guideline, then maybe she should block her. That's just one of the possibilities of course...instead of letting it get you or her upset, you can deliberately deal with each breach as it occurs.

You know she's going to be this way, so the less you react when she is this way, the healthier it is for you.

D gets texts telling her to answer her phone too!

AS for FB i deleted my account but D shown me on hers what had been said and told me about the deleted messages.
D is deleting messages she doesnt want on her profile from her mum about personal issues so D is making a stance.
I so much want for them to just have a normal & loving mother/daughter relationship. I dont want her mum to not be part of her life and i do feel bad to some degree even though none of this is my doing and im doing as much as i know possible within my knowledge to do the right thing.

I suppose the mum using facebook as her outlet is showing others the kind of person she is, maybe that will eventually make her recognise she needs way more help than i do. Time isnt the healer here though for mother/daughter, i believe time will be the killer in this instance, the longer this tirade continues between D and her mum the harder it will be for the mum to gain back some of what she has lost.

Out of my hands, which i realise but i so wish things could of been different. even amicable but me triangulated never caused D this much aggro as it was all soaked up by myself!

We live, we learn (well some of us do)