please help with what to say

[Think About It...]

My dd31 is coming over tonight to talk with me.  She is married with 3 children. I have suspected for some time she is taking illegal drugs. She leaves her house as soon as her h comes home from work and does not return until the next morning. She and I have LC. She did not come home yesterday until late in the PM. Her h called around trying to find her and one of the people he contacted from a phone # he found on the cell bill was shocked to find out she was married and told him she had seen her taking cocaine.  She denies this,of course. Always stories and excuses (to me she says she's leaving the house at night because she can't stand h)
I don't know why she's coming to talk with me, but I'm afraid she wants to ask me to help her with a divorce.  What I want to tell her, I would help with the divorce, but only if she would give h the children and only if she were allowed supervised visits.  I firmly believe she is using.  I would not be able to see her living on the streets; my dh and I could arrange to pay rent on a small apt for her if necessary but do not want to enable her. She would not be welcome to ever live in my home unless she got help for her BPD and now drug use.  If she wants help with getting clean, I would do what I could to help her.  I'm afraid of how to put all this.  I'm afraid this will close the door between forever if I don't say it right.  I can't back down, though, because I firmly believe she will be dead within weeks if she keeps up with her current activities.  How do you take a firm stand and still show love?  I am so sick to my stomach anticipating this.  Please anyone?  ps her h was understandably upset yesterday, but now is acting like he wants to believe her when she says she's not using.  He threatened a drug test, and then dropped it.  Denial, denial, denial.

[justwantedafamily]

My dd31 is coming over tonight to talk with me.  She is married with 3 children. I have suspected for some time she is taking illegal drugs. She leaves her house as soon as her h comes home from work and does not return until the next morning. She and I have LC. She did not come home yesterday until late in the PM. Her h called around trying to find her and one of the people he contacted from a phone # he found on the cell bill was shocked to find out she was married and told him she had seen her taking cocaine.  She denies this,of course. Always stories and excuses (to me she says she's leaving the house at night because she can't stand h)
I don't know why she's coming to talk with me, but I'm afraid she wants to ask me to help her with a divorce.  What I want to tell her, I would help with the divorce, but only if she would give h the children and only if she were allowed supervised visits.  I firmly believe she is using.  I would not be able to see her living on the streets; my dh and I could arrange to pay rent on a small apt for her if necessary but do not want to enable her. She would not be welcome to ever live in my home unless she got help for her BPD and now drug use.  If she wants help with getting clean, I would do what I could to help her.  I'm afraid of how to put all this.  I'm afraid this will close the door between forever if I don't say it right.  I can't back down, though, because I firmly believe she will be dead within weeks if she keeps up with her current activities.  How do you take a firm stand and still show love?  I am so sick to my stomach anticipating this.  Please anyone?  ps her h was understandably upset yesterday, but now is acting like he wants to believe her when she says she's not using.  He threatened a drug test, and then dropped it.  Denial, denial, denial.

[justwantedafamily]

Oh, also, the reason we're LC is last Feb when I initally suspected she was beginiing to use, I had a heart to heart talk with her about how much her children love her and need her and how she needed to be careful about who she was associating with.  She told me I was crazy and if that's the way I felt about her, she didn't want to associate with me. 

[justwantedafamily]

you know what...nevermind.  I'm tired of trying to word things in a validating way.  There are somethings you can't validate.  I'm not going to be cruel and I'll stress the love I feel for her, but they both have to realize they can't keep lying to themselves about this.  Their children don't get do-overs on their childhood.  This is dangerous.

[trytrytry]

Dear justwantedafamily,
Wow, so sorry to read about your family troubles.  The only thing I can offer here is that attending Alanon (12 step program) has helped me deal w/ my using dd25 so much better.  I can set boundaries around myself - to keep myself functioning and relatively calm.  It's all been a process for me, and lord knows I go back and forth.
Thinking of you and yours

[Thursday]

How do you take a firm stand and still show love

I did see your later part about nevermind and I understand, so much, how tired and frustrated you are.

But, to answer your question, taking, finally, a firm stand when our kids have addiction issues, the firm stand is how we can love them best. Enabling can keep them stuck, keep them from recovery. The most loving thing is to set the boundaries that will make them uncomfortable or unhappy enough to want to change.

It is a heartbreak. How you feel now can change though. After a year of sobriety and a definate lessening of our enmeshed involvement with her, having someone else to fend her daily issues and messes, not having her here underfoot, no nagging, etc. (my BPDSD20 is now living in a half way house for her drugging) I am starting to have loving dreams about her, where I am holding her and happy to be around her.

I also suggest alanon. Such good support.

thursday

[peaceplease]

justwantedafamily,

I just noticed your thread.  So, how did your visit with dd go?  It is dificult to know what to say in these situations.  I believe that unless they are ready to get help, they will deny a drug problem.  I hope that your discussion went okay. Please let us know.

peaceplease

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[lbjnltx]

praying that all went well for your daughter and you. 


lbjnltx