WHAT WAS HE TRYING TO ACHIEVE AT THE END?

[Think About It...]

I ended my 13yr relationship with my ex uBPD/NPDso 9 months ago - 3/4 months NC - he has tried to re-engage and we have had sporadic communication for approx 4 months. . .total NC again about a month.

He threw me into total emotional confusion. . .i kept saying to friends, "it's like he wants me to finish it, because he hasn't got the guts" - i even gave him an opt out by saying to him i didn't want him to be in a relationship where he wasn't happy. . .but he didn't end it.

Then on the other hand, he kept talking of 'future' ?

In drink, he came out with "i was his best bet". . .he had also been cheating and i strongly believe had other woman/en in place up until i ended it.  If this is the case why didn't he end it. . .he obviously had lost the 'rush' (not love  ) over me and had a replacement?

I have read about all the push/pull, abandonment and engulfment issues. . .is it all a process of these issues or had he really so calculatingly weighed it up and thought that he could have his bits on the side but i was best to have as a long term safety net. . .that really doesn't feel good  ?

[sm15000]

I ended my 13yr relationship with my ex uBPD/NPDso 9 months ago - 3/4 months NC - he has tried to re-engage and we have had sporadic communication for approx 4 months. . .total NC again about a month.

He threw me into total emotional confusion. . .i kept saying to friends, "it's like he wants me to finish it, because he hasn't got the guts" - i even gave him an opt out by saying to him i didn't want him to be in a relationship where he wasn't happy. . .but he didn't end it.

Then on the other hand, he kept talking of 'future' ?

In drink, he came out with "i was his best bet". . .he had also been cheating and i strongly believe had other woman/en in place up until i ended it.  If this is the case why didn't he end it. . .he obviously had lost the 'rush' (not love  ) over me and had a replacement?

I have read about all the push/pull, abandonment and engulfment issues. . .is it all a process of these issues or had he really so calculatingly weighed it up and thought that he could have his bits on the side but i was best to have as a long term safety net. . .that really doesn't feel good  ?

[marbleloser]

 It could be that he isn't/wasn't certain of the new RS and needed to keep you as a backup.That way,he wouldn't have to be alone. You're probably a stable person,not much drama,and grounded.You're his best bet as far having someone and something of a normal life.

[sm15000]

You're probably a stable person,not much drama,and grounded.You're his best bet as far having someone and something of a normal life.

Pretty much yes. . .but it also highlights to me, some awareness of himself.  He (as far as i know) is not dxd and has kept his issues pretty well hidden over 13 yrs. . .but i think he is aware that he dysregulates or knows that 'something is wrong'. . .and that it's him.

[FriedaB]

Marbleloser  is  right...they  keep  you  hanging  on  because  they  havent  secured  a  new  victim  yet...sick,  sick,  sick

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)