Lack of Family Acceptance Wearing on pwBPD

[Think About It...]

She knows she screwed up.  Let her take the loss.

Illuminati - Do you honestly think CDH's W knows she screwed up and took a loss or did she just begin the reverse swing in the BPD emotional pendulum?  

Does it really matter?  Honestly.  She could think she's God's Angel On Earth.  Your family clearly feels what they feel, and she has to suffer the consequences of that.  It's not your job to protect her from feeling the results of the mistakes she's made, and it's wrong for her to put that weight on you.  I'm not saying that your wife can't make things right with your family, but she has to make that move, not you.

[iluminati]

She knows she screwed up.  Let her take the loss.

Illuminati - Do you honestly think CDH's W knows she screwed up and took a loss or did she just begin the reverse swing in the BPD emotional pendulum?  

Does it really matter?  Honestly.  She could think she's God's Angel On Earth.  Your family clearly feels what they feel, and she has to suffer the consequences of that.  It's not your job to protect her from feeling the results of the mistakes she's made, and it's wrong for her to put that weight on you.  I'm not saying that your wife can't make things right with your family, but she has to make that move, not you.

[tuum est61]

She knows she screwed up.  Let her take the loss.

Illuminati - Do you honestly think CDH's W knows she screwed up and took a loss or did she just begin the reverse swing in the BPD emotional pendulum?  

Does it really matter?  Honestly.  She could think she's God's Angel On Earth.  Your family clearly feels what they feel, and she has to suffer the consequences of that.  It's not your job to protect her from feeling the results of the mistakes she's made, and it's wrong for her to put that weight on you.  I'm not saying that your wife can't make things right with your family, but she has to make that move, not you.

 Hi! Illuminati - Clarification needed before I comment further.  Are you directing your comments at CDH or me (M61)?  I made the comment you quoted above. 

[iluminati]

I meant to direct those remarks at CDH.  My mistake.

[tuum est61]

I meant to direct those remarks at CDH.  My mistake.

Okay thanks.  So I will comment further my W probably does think she's GAOE (I like that one)  She has done NOTHING to offend my family.  Keeping with the religious them, there's a snowflake's chance in hell that she would admit to any consequences from any mistakes she's made because she hasn't made any.  I kinda figure CDH's W may be the same way.  My W will NEVER make things "right with my family" because she is the aggrieved one...

So what to me and CDH do with that?  Its us suffering the consequences, not our wives...

[CodependentHusband]

Guys,
    Thanks... Lots of good conversation and different thoughts about this topic to consider. You guys are spot on in your speculation that my wife doesn't think she did anything wrong... At least on an average day. About once a month she will express some shame for her past actions like sending a nasty email to my SIL for not attending a party, or not going to my parent's 50th wedding anniversary party... Who knows where the truth lies in her reality. You are right... It doesn't really matter. There is nothing we can do to extract them from their BPD world... It is there permanent home unless they get therapy.

I want to clarify something. I have detached with love and I am no longer enmeshed with her like I used to be. I wasn't on the emotional roller coaster with her over the weekend. With that said, I still have empathy and compassion for her. My feeling were hurt slightly by the slight of my wife, but I know my niece much better than my dBPDw, so, I have a better grasp on how this whole invitation situation happened. I decided not to go to the wedding, but I don't really hold my wife responsible for that and I don't resent her for it. Really, I just see so much gray in all of this, and I want my wife to know that I am here for her. Discussing it with you all on Tge board has been a good reality check for me. I feel good about how things are turning out for everyone in my family.

[JimNelson89]

By the end of the day, my dBPDw was starting to calm down... Until she checked the mail. There was a wedding invitation in the mail from a relative on my side of the family. This particular relative had attended our wedding. The invitation was addressed to my name + D7's first name + "family." Honestly, most of my side of the family doesn't like being around the drama that my dBPDw seems to create out

Codependent Husband

My wife did the same thing.  During the Christmas holidays, we received a late Christmas card from my sister.  My wife got the mail and saw the card first.  It was addressed to me and then penciled in above was my wife's name.  I don't recall last year's card.  It sent my wife ballistic.  She was all drama and said my sister did it purposely.  I understand why she would feel hurt.  I do not understand the intensity.  Also my sister does not like my uBPDw.  To me her expression of disliking my wife is rather measured.

I tried to remain calm.  She then tore up the card and said she had a right to do that.  She then went on for 90 minutes.  Recently she brought it again.  Again it went on for over an hour.

Now I bring this all up because in SWOE there is something about a identity disturbance.  PwBPD have a big issue with being forgotten.

Here is an interesting link on someone else having similar problems:
http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=169014.0

[Happiest]

Well, I had a similar experience. Reversed

My H was given a christmas card this year wishing him a happy christmas. We were both at the christmas get to gether. I was not included in the wishes on the card.

It absolutely broke my heart.
This was the same sister that had told me it means so much to her that I baby sit her kids because she cant rely on her brothers to do it right.
I have never had a run in with her or hurt in anyway. I have though had a run in with my H (otherwise I wouldnt be on this board) and he runs to her and his mum with the umbrage he feels. This is also the same sister that openly tells me her brothers have thier "problems".

I have two SIL on my side of the family and one BIL and one DIL and SIL., only two things would cause me to omit thier names from a Christmas Card. 1) because I gave them thier own (not likely)
or 2) because I disliked them enough to make sure they understood I disliked them (also not likely)
So can anyone tell me what other reason there would be to give a card to a person and omit their partner/spouse?

I know its all about family values and to some people its just not important. We are all different I know, but in my head, there is something undermining about it.

[CodependentHusband]

Thanks all... It IS nice to discuss this with people that are capable of seeing the shades of gray here. I've known my niece for her entire life, and she has only met my dBPDw a couple of times. She doesn't have a mean bone in her body. It is unfortunate that thsi happened, and I do see why she is hurt... as Jim pointed out... it's the intensity of the reaction that is at the heart of the matter. But then, it's one of the core issues for BPD... poor emotional control.