Letters to family and friends

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

My wife feel the needs to send letters to people if she believes they are wrong out of line etc.

I know only the has sent hurtful letters to my parents and siblings. My parents have mentioned it in passing and I only know bits and pieces.  The things she mentioned of know of my wife business.  I also believe\know she has sent letters to aunts\uncles and cousins(I have seen them half written), but I have no confirmation they have been sent. Some of these have been multiple pages.  I have asked her not to send letters to people, but she tells me I can not stop her and I can't.

We have a mutual friend getting married in couple months, my wife sent the below email the friend. In his response he address only my wife my email to both of us.  I know other letters have been worse because of the parts I have seen, but I will share the letter to friend.



Hi _______,

Not sure if we're the only invitation that you specifically hand-wrote out.  Nice touch.  At the same time, not sure if you intentionally "combined" our names, or not. There isn't a Mr. & Mrs. _______ _. ________, __.  There is a Mr. & Mrs. ______ _. _______, __.  Bottom line, it's as if you sent our invitation to Mr. & Mrs. _____ _________ ___________, __. rather than to Mr. & Mrs. ________ __ -_________, ___.    *Insert non-smiley here.

With just under two months to go I'm sure that you have a lot on your mind.  I have a couple of questions that shouldn't clog up too much of your time.

In the case that your wedding -makes our cut- (there's no guarantee we're a shoe-in; our weekend hours get competitive), is there a possibility of a food option other than eating red meat or shellfish?  Also, with whom might we be seated at your reception?  Not sure how many "friends" you're inviting (to have multiple "friend" tables).  There are some people you're friends with that we're -not so much-.  Not looking to cause an issue; you have always meant a lot to me (& us).  I'm hoping that you don't roll your eyes too much at this message. ;-)


Her name




My wife actually typed "insert non smiley"



____________

I am almost ready to demand that she goes to consoling. I was not going to encouraged her to go, I feel the needs to make the decision.

________________

[Mike76]

My wife feel the needs to send letters to people if she believes they are wrong out of line etc.

I know only the has sent hurtful letters to my parents and siblings. My parents have mentioned it in passing and I only know bits and pieces.  The things she mentioned of know of my wife business.  I also believe\know she has sent letters to aunts\uncles and cousins(I have seen them half written), but I have no confirmation they have been sent. Some of these have been multiple pages.  I have asked her not to send letters to people, but she tells me I can not stop her and I can't.

We have a mutual friend getting married in couple months, my wife sent the below email the friend. In his response he address only my wife my email to both of us.  I know other letters have been worse because of the parts I have seen, but I will share the letter to friend.



Hi _______,

Not sure if we're the only invitation that you specifically hand-wrote out.  Nice touch.  At the same time, not sure if you intentionally "combined" our names, or not. There isn't a Mr. & Mrs. _______ _. ________, __.  There is a Mr. & Mrs. ______ _. _______, __.  Bottom line, it's as if you sent our invitation to Mr. & Mrs. _____ _________ ___________, __. rather than to Mr. & Mrs. ________ __ -_________, ___.    *Insert non-smiley here.

With just under two months to go I'm sure that you have a lot on your mind.  I have a couple of questions that shouldn't clog up too much of your time.

In the case that your wedding -makes our cut- (there's no guarantee we're a shoe-in; our weekend hours get competitive), is there a possibility of a food option other than eating red meat or shellfish?  Also, with whom might we be seated at your reception?  Not sure how many "friends" you're inviting (to have multiple "friend" tables).  There are some people you're friends with that we're -not so much-.  Not looking to cause an issue; you have always meant a lot to me (& us).  I'm hoping that you don't roll your eyes too much at this message. ;-)


Her name




My wife actually typed "insert non smiley"



____________

I am almost ready to demand that she goes to consoling. I was not going to encouraged her to go, I feel the needs to make the decision.

________________

[isilme]

Hi henry35,

I'm sorry your W is sending things like this out, especially over nonsense about how an envelope is addressed.  Heck, half the time the bride and groom have helpers addressing envelopes as it's a big task, and it may not have even been them who didn't know how to write the salutation. 

I'm not quite sure what the actual offense was - did it arrive to Mr. and Mrs. Smith-Jones, and she felt it should read, Mr. John Smith and Mrs. Jane Smith-Jones?

Whatever the faux pas, I know a pwBPD often feels singled out and can't conceive of a person have 100 other envelopes to write out, and that one might be written 'wrong' on accident.  This wold require thinking about other people having something to do other than think about you and how to hurt you. 

My BPDBF   feels there is no such thing as an accident, that all things are someone's fault, and it's usually on purpose, and even if it's not there is no difference in degree (All things are 1st degree murder for him, there is no manslaughter, no 2nd degree, no accidental homicide - morbid analogy, sorry)

When it's not affected mutual friends, I have to admit I've let BF go to town with his mean e-mails - I try to talk him out of it, to temper the rudeness and make it more cordial, but he only listens so much, and still has a hard time understanding you don't get a great response to perceived rudeness by responding with overt rudeness.  He's run off some 'friends' in the past this way - and is still not learning.  His black and white thinking tells him he either has to be quiet or he should speak his mind - not that he should be polite in his writing, and give people a benefit of the doubt. 

If you are close enough, you might contact these friends and let them know she is not acting rationally, you are working on it and apologize for any offense given.  If they know you are aware and do not condone this behavior, they might be able to respond to you in empathy instead of being mad at you, too. 

 

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[Sir5r]

If you are close enough, you might contact these friends and let them know she is not acting rationally, you are working on it and apologize for any offense given.  If they know you are aware and do not condone this behavior, they might be able to respond to you in empathy instead of being mad at you, too. 

____________________________________________
That's probably already understood.   My wife has done things on FB like post provocative announcements about how family issues effected her and my family. I couldn't believe what she posted.

But since they all know how difficult she can be things are a bit better for me.

Explain as best you can if your close to them, if you aren't that close just let them know you are sorry for how it was worded but it was out of your control.


Sir5r

[Mike76]

Thanks,

After I posted this I went through a few bits and pieces of notes\letters sent to others.   Letters I was able to catch a quick glimpse of or a few things shared with me about letters to immediate family members(parents\siblings).  Although my parents and I have talked very, very little about my problems (They have asked is everything ok? I say I am getting help).  They have told me "I miss you my son... We am in consoling to find out why your wife hates and we also lost you).  Although this has caused many sleepiness nights for, it is still less painful than the abuse I have received emotional and physical(minor but still drives me crazy) for visits a couple hour every several week\couple months.

First to add to the email she sent... There are four dinner choices, she does not eat shell fish so be it... She stays away from red meat but its it 2-4 times a month.   I look at it is only one meal, and she has been telling me for weeks she may not even what to attend the wedding.

Back to the letters and a few of your comments...

She has told me several times in the past, "I have so many letters to write!" I have asked her not to send them to MY family members, cousins, aunts, uncles.   She has told me I can do what ever I wish!  I saw notes for one to one of my cousins and asked her not to it.  She just raged and yelled, when I am at work I can not controll her.

This email letter was short, this mutual friend had 2 football parties in December-January, my wife attended neither. One just because and the she found a better place to be for the superbowl,  she dropped me off and picked me up which made since because both parties were one our from home and within 5 minutes from each other.  This friend that she sent the email\and had the party she claims she likes and respects but did not even get out of the car to say hello.  Me contacting the friend to say, it was her not me is not really a big deal.  She sent the email only to him... her address only her in the email but sent a copy to me.  I actually respect this friend for letting me know crap she sends out.

My biggest fear in responding the the friend is he is going to be like she is crazy dude! It is only a fear because even if people see and know it, I am not ready to proclaim that my marriage sucks and my wife as issues.  


I think I am going to respond to the friend in a email.

Looking forward to your wedding!
Are you on for beer tasting next week?
Thanks for sending me a copy of that email! I had no idea

Short and sweet... and to the point.  I am not apologizing for my wife. I am not making excuses.

[GreenMango]

I think I am going to respond to the friend in a email.

Looking forward to your wedding!
Are you on for beer tasting next week?
Thanks for sending me a copy of that email! I had no idea

Short and sweet... and to the point.  I am not apologizing for my wife. I am not making excuses.

Her behavior with the letters is troubling...I would be worried too.  But, I like the way you are handling it...b/c she is absolutely right you can't stop her.  Why would you want to ultimately these letters will teach her a much needed lesson...whether it's her total isolation or reinforcing her abadonment fears.  I would be aware that by her sending these letters she is undermining your support network.  You maintaining these meaningful relationship in the face of her attempts is important for you and detaching from her in this respect will only help you to maintain them.  The only thing I would add to the note to your friend is to reiterate that you value your friendship and appreciate their honesty.  Friends don't always tell you want you want to hear, sometimes they tell you what you need to hear.   

-GM

PS I wouldn't apologize for her crap either, let her own it.

[Sir5r]

I wouldn't want to sound oblivious to how she corresponded, but that's my take on it. I've never let my wifes words sound like my own when I didn't approve of them.

It's like when they want you to defend them when they're totally in the wrong to "prove your love for them" to me wrong is wrong.

I've told my wife what she has done was embarassing to me on more than one occasion. Now, that I've learned a bit about the tools here I ask her if she felt what she did was appropriate.

Sir5r

[GreenMango]

I wouldn't want to sound oblivious to how she corresponded, but that's my take on it. I've never let my wifes words sound like my own when I didn't approve of them.

I agree.  It's about your character at this point.  You already know what her's is and where that leads. 

I've told my wife what she has done was embarassing to me on more than one occasion.

Henry-
I don't know where you are in the relationship, but I had reached the point where my feelings were just as important and my fear regarding his reaction was gone.  I wouldn't even ask if she thought it was inappropriate...I would tell her it is inappropriate because it is.  Validating her feelings is one thing, condoning her actions because of those feelings is another.  This might unleash a storm...but it sounds like you are already in one. 

-GM

[Mike76]

i hate to use this next example but here I go. I think I am going to use this one as a letter as an example of why her sending these letters hurt ME.  In the past the letters were never brought to my attention in the presence of my uBPDw. I do not need to hide how I heard about the letter, or she not think I was snooping because she left the letter out, thinking it was hidden.

I have let her know in the past letter writing is inappropriate by just stating, "Please do not send letters to people!, they can be interpreted as being hurtful!"

I guess of mine is she as already alienated herself from seeing these people in person, and other than this friend most people I think now ignore her emails.

When she shares stories with me about the little tiny bit of contact she has with a few extended relatives I am amazed their is still any relationship with them.

When she shares stores of her coworkers I and not believe she holds a job.

I wish I could remember off the top of my head other things she as included in letters. One thing I know she as included in letters to my mom is the following.    Why are their x photos of you daughter and only x photos of me. Why is the placement better of that photo than mine.  Why is you computer connect with that child and not me? .

Different story for different day, but in the mix of this last night. My doctor has my cell phone and not the home phone. I was told how wrong I am and what a bad person I am because I did not make the doctor remove my cell phone from his records and only use the home phone...   This came up yesterday because I had a MRI last week and the doctor was working on Sunday getting called to leave a message.


  

[Mike76]

It already happened again (sortive).   We have an distant friend, whom my wife and I are both friends with when we happen to see them.

Like most people this person is also a Facebook friend, my wife seems to like posting person messages to (several friends walls from time to time.)  She has even posted a message mine a few times which I made sure to remove.  Mine are not sexual just embarrassing, if I question my messages she looks at me as says I am just trying to be nice and caring.

I saved a message the other day because it showed up on my news feed because I am facebook friends with my wife and this friend. Funny thing is it disappeared a few hours later.  This friend is a extreme conservative and extremely shy.   My guess is this friend asked her to remove it, (the friend could have removed it from her wall my not my wife. )  Not to stir up trouble I asked my wife the next day, "Did you here back from ____" , she gave my a very strange reaction.  I decided to let sleeping dogs sleep. 

This is just the one paragraph there were about 3... am I being overly concerned or is this wrong.  We only talk to this friend 1-2 times a year.  This was on a wall of this friend and not a private message.

I also wanted to ask if you happen to be dating anyone right now. Reason being, a new medicine I'm taking has me remembering my dreams more - & in more detail. Recently, I had one where I learned you had happily begun dating someone. You were so excited & filled with renewed spirit! (Not that you typically aren't, but you were more jovial.) -- So, is there someone?

[OnceConfused]

It is just weird.
 I had a case where this sports agent for an NFL player, scolded me for addressing him as, "Mike",  instead of "Michael".  I am so glad that our paths never cross again, with this man who felt so weak that he had to ask to be addressed FORMALLY. WHO cares ?

[Sir5r]

It is just weird.
 I had a case where this sports agent for an NFL player, scolded me for addressing him as, "Mike",  instead of "Michael".  I am so glad that our paths never cross again, with this man who felt so weak that he had to ask to be addressed FORMALLY. WHO cares ?

That's too funny! I heard from someone that is in the same profession as my ASPD BIL, that he did exactly the same thing to him.  I told him my BIL is quite the "character," he replied yes he is a "character" alright. 
That was of course code word for something else.  LOL

Sir5r