Final steps to therapy?

[Think About It...]

Just needed to touch base for support.  I've gone low/no contact with my former BPD/NPD-bf/friend but my overall goal as his friend is to get him into therapy. Posting on this board for those who have had success with that. Maybe I'm fooling myself, but he does seem on the edge of being willing to do it.

I don't think I would ever get back with him romantically again because I now know how easily and voraciously he cheats, but I do want him to be able to have the skills to be in a relationship.  Long story short, I dated him for about 2 years, during most of the time I realize he probably was cheating or did so whenever we broke up which was frequent. Then he "split" and totally withdraw emotionally and physically, but pretended my children and I were family while he had relationships with others...nearly another 2 years.  On many levels, we are a family of sorts.  He loves my children and continues to bring them to lessons two days a week while I am at work.  Despite all his issues, he's great with the kids.

 I have been disengaging slowly but basically we don't have the daily phone or email contact that we had; I have distanced the friendship that remained.  My plan is to let it fade away but leave the door open enough if he decided to go to therapy I've always told him I would be there for him.  I have continued to gently push this topic.

He calls this weekend and tells me how over the last few weeks, since I'm not "accusatory"...etc. things are so much better with us.  He called me difficult to approach about it...that he's been wanting to discuss it. How I'm suddenly more attractive because I'm not this "mean" person who calls him names, etc.  How he realizes he could let go of the way I disappointed him in the beginning of the relationship (the craziness he always returneds to ).  It was a lot of the normal crazy stuff, but he also said about how he'd rather be with me than anyone else.  The other way to translate that is that he hasn't found another one to latch onto yet.

 When it got quiet, I said, "Do you know what changed the past few weeks? I let go of you."  There was dead silence. He murmured something about that being really hurtful.  Later in the conversation there was talk of how my kids and I are really the closest he's felt to anyone.  I told him that it's his decision of where things go from here; that he needs to go speak with someone.  He said he's been thinking about it a lot and would maybe do it if we could negotiate something. I said I would be willing to work out something.  Then... total withdrawal from him; I know he's absorbing and upset.  My approach lately has been just to let it go...if he comes back that is his decision.  He knows I will only not let go if he decides to get help.

Maybe I am just playing with fire here.  I don't think it would ever be safe to get back with him, so maybe I am dangling something that is not realy anymore.  Maybe I'm not being fair to him. I'm confused.

On the other hand, I feel this is the closest he has been to wanting to get help. I have found a therapist that he met with once and liked. She suggest pitching help as a life coach who focused on goals and moving forward with the positive.  I see much more now how sick he really is and maybe it is just hoping for something that cannot be.

[Heronblue]

Just needed to touch base for support.  I've gone low/no contact with my former BPD/NPD-bf/friend but my overall goal as his friend is to get him into therapy. Posting on this board for those who have had success with that. Maybe I'm fooling myself, but he does seem on the edge of being willing to do it.

I don't think I would ever get back with him romantically again because I now know how easily and voraciously he cheats, but I do want him to be able to have the skills to be in a relationship.  Long story short, I dated him for about 2 years, during most of the time I realize he probably was cheating or did so whenever we broke up which was frequent. Then he "split" and totally withdraw emotionally and physically, but pretended my children and I were family while he had relationships with others...nearly another 2 years.  On many levels, we are a family of sorts.  He loves my children and continues to bring them to lessons two days a week while I am at work.  Despite all his issues, he's great with the kids.

 I have been disengaging slowly but basically we don't have the daily phone or email contact that we had; I have distanced the friendship that remained.  My plan is to let it fade away but leave the door open enough if he decided to go to therapy I've always told him I would be there for him.  I have continued to gently push this topic.

He calls this weekend and tells me how over the last few weeks, since I'm not "accusatory"...etc. things are so much better with us.  He called me difficult to approach about it...that he's been wanting to discuss it. How I'm suddenly more attractive because I'm not this "mean" person who calls him names, etc.  How he realizes he could let go of the way I disappointed him in the beginning of the relationship (the craziness he always returneds to ).  It was a lot of the normal crazy stuff, but he also said about how he'd rather be with me than anyone else.  The other way to translate that is that he hasn't found another one to latch onto yet.

 When it got quiet, I said, "Do you know what changed the past few weeks? I let go of you."  There was dead silence. He murmured something about that being really hurtful.  Later in the conversation there was talk of how my kids and I are really the closest he's felt to anyone.  I told him that it's his decision of where things go from here; that he needs to go speak with someone.  He said he's been thinking about it a lot and would maybe do it if we could negotiate something. I said I would be willing to work out something.  Then... total withdrawal from him; I know he's absorbing and upset.  My approach lately has been just to let it go...if he comes back that is his decision.  He knows I will only not let go if he decides to get help.

Maybe I am just playing with fire here.  I don't think it would ever be safe to get back with him, so maybe I am dangling something that is not realy anymore.  Maybe I'm not being fair to him. I'm confused.

On the other hand, I feel this is the closest he has been to wanting to get help. I have found a therapist that he met with once and liked. She suggest pitching help as a life coach who focused on goals and moving forward with the positive.  I see much more now how sick he really is and maybe it is just hoping for something that cannot be.

[Steph]

 If he goes to therapy, and if he has BPD, make sure its a therapy that will work.

Schema therapy is looking very promising and seems to be as effective as DBT but in a shorter time frame. DBT, as we know, really does work, tho it can take a few years to truly take hold. It works, tho.

  Even if he gets into therapy, it does not mean the end of problems..and it would make sense for you to be in therapy, as well.

Cheating is a trait not specific to BPD and many people cheat that do not have BPD.

 What is your goal here, truly? If you could have this work out perfectly for you, what do you want to see happen?

Steph

[Heronblue]

Hi Steph - yes, I have been meeting with someone and in this whole process learned a whole lot (and still am) about myself.

Originally I went to get help for him and then found out more about NPD/BPD and this site has helped more than anything.  He knows deep down he needs help, but the NPD side of him is resisting...he thinks no one is strong enough for his rage.

I love him very much on a deep friendship level and he has become our family but I've learned a lot of setting boundaries and protecting myself which I am not very good at.  I'm not sure I could ever go back. It's been a long haul to get away from the spell I was under.  At this point, I want more for myself.  On the other hand, if it meant getting him into help and I could be there for him for support, I would.  My sense is that he will try to wiggle out of it, and I'm not doing that.

I will look more into Schema therapy. 

My worry with him is that the NPD part seems to be taking over more, especially on a winter like this where there has been little work and he is alone a lot.  I asked him the other day if he feels more isolated as he goes along, and he does.  Perhaps because I know more now, I see how so much is a struggle for him and how he has covered it up so well.

You ask what is my goal here...a few months ago it would have been to work things out with him.  Now I don't think it is anymore.  When I let go, I was really ready.

[CodependentHusband]

Heron Blue,
    Forgive me, but I am a little confused. You have left him, but you want to stay if he gets into therapy? It sounds like you are in limbo, and he is very much a part of not only your life, but you have children involved as well. If they are his children, I can see why you want to hold on... I don't blame you... who wants their family separated? I can also understand your "wants" not necessarily aligning with reality, especially when the kind of chaos BPD causes is in play.

   As for therapy for him, I really hate to say it, because, I, like you, used to hold out a bunch of hope that my dBPDw would get into therapy. She went to some unstructured talk therapy for a few weeks, and never returned. She talked and acted like she was serious about gaining some  had stability in her emotions that she had never had before... it all changed within a few weeks. I have accepted it, and continued to work on the only person in the world that I can change... myself. I hope that your pwBPD will get help, and I hope that mine will too!