Why do they say they've given everything to the relationship?

[Think About It...]

I have read a few other posts of other member's BPDex's complaining they gave ALL to the relationship, when in fact aren't they taking?

Mine always threw that in my face, as if I didn't provide or do anything other than just come over to use her as a sex toy and leave.

It seems to me that their idea of giving is them actually taking...

Does anybody else have that same feeling/experience?

[BrokenBeat&Scarred]

I have read a few other posts of other member's BPDex's complaining they gave ALL to the relationship, when in fact aren't they taking?

Mine always threw that in my face, as if I didn't provide or do anything other than just come over to use her as a sex toy and leave.

It seems to me that their idea of giving is them actually taking...

Does anybody else have that same feeling/experience?

[WallyGator]

Their reality is based on delusions and illusions.  They simply don't get it. 

[Simon_80]

I have read a few other posts of other member's BPDex's complaining they gave ALL to the relationship, when in fact aren't they taking?

Mine always threw that in my face, as if I didn't provide or do anything other than just come over to use her as a sex toy and leave.

It seems to me that their idea of giving is them actually taking...

Does anybody else have that same feeling/experience?

I can't tell you how many times I was told I was just using her for sex. January we spent a beautiful weekend together and when I had to return home (long distance), she flipped out on me. She flipped out on me because I did not respond to her email fast enough, the reason why I didn't respond quick enough was because I was driving my car.  She then proceed to tell me to go f@ck myself and that I was only using her sex. This is the same woman less than 12 hours earlier told me how she loved me and I told her how much I loved her. It was almost a perfect weekend till that point. I just couldn't believe she said that to me over a stupid email. It didn't matter what I did or said it was never enough...

[avoidatallcost]

Their reality is based on delusions and illusions.  They simply don't get it. 

Their brains are badly damaged and cannot be fixed.  They perceive the world in a way that the rest of us do not, that's why they're disordered.  It's hard to understand, but this is why we suffer so much at their hands. 

They think that you are to blame for all of the problems in the r/s.  And yes, they think that they are in fact the ones who put up with YOUR abuse and that you do not understand how much they love you. 

It's like jessie said, they just don't get it.  And there's nothing you can do to change that.  At this point, you can only do whatever you can to detach yourself from this person and prevent her from hurting you again.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[FindingMe2011]

I have read a few other posts of other member's BPDex's complaining they gave ALL to the relationship, when in fact aren't they taking?

Mine always threw that in my face, as if I didn't provide or do anything other than just come over to use her as a sex toy and leave.

It seems to me that their idea of giving is them actually taking.  

Does anybody else have that same feeling/experience?

I can't tell you how many times I was told I was just using her for sex. January we spent a beautiful weekend together and when I had to return home (long distance), she flipped out on me. She flipped out on me because I did not respond to her email fast enough, the reason why I didn't respond quick enough was because I was driving my car.  She then proceed to tell me to go f@ck myself and that I was only using her sex. This is the same woman less than 12 hours earlier told me how she loved me and I told her how much I loved her. It was almost a perfect weekend till that point. I just couldn't believe she said that to me over a stupid email. It didn't matter what I did or said it was never enough.  

   Just the nature of the illness. Crave intimacy, then when they get there, the wires get crossed, and all hell breaks loose. They say this, because this is what they believe, and to some degree, she got me to believe it also. So what do we do ?, try harder. Its a constant, exhausting task, to constantly have to feed someones ego. Something I will never do again. Be kind and forgiving to yourself. Learn, heal in a healthy way, and dont repeat.  PEACE

[LittleMilly]

I think mine seen himself as perfect, so when he was upset it must have been my fault, like I wasn't trying. This made him more angry. We could never meet their high (ever changing) standards, so, I guess to them, we weren't even trying. THEY were the ones doing everything.

[cookie_au_lait]

He would say “I have exhausted all options. There’s nothing else I can do.”

How can you argue with that? Yes, you always lose. They always win.

[BrokenBeat&Scarred]

He would say “I have exhausted all options. There’s nothing else I can do.”

LOL i've said it before on this forum, but i swear they all read from the same book.  They all say the same exact phrases.  Mine said that to me too before I was split and she was with the new guy.

[zoso80]

I'll throw in another angle here.

It's a way to avoid responsibility and shame. Instead of accepting their part in the relationship's demise, shifting blame and pinning it all on the other person avoids the necessary introspection and learning that healthy people engage in. This is one of the circular traps of the disorder.

It perpetuates their victim status and gives a great sob story to all those who will listen. This then fills their quiver so when they find a person with a rescuing complex, the cycle is teed up to start anew.

On some level they know. They chose to distort it to avoid it. My exBPD had moments where she acknowledged she had some problems. At the end though, it was all my fault. I made her do those things. I was the ill one.

Aside of what we think our exBPDs were and the dynamics between us and them, you've got feel empathy for them.  As where we have the capacity to grow and learn from this experience. The likely scenario for our exBPDs is that they won't.

What a crappy way to live.

Their reality is based on delusions and illusions.  They simply don't get it. 

[brokenbutstillworking]

i was told, well, let me rephrase that, our mutual friends were told, then it got back to me that she gave 110% percent to this relationship and then blam... i ended up giving nothing...  that she ALWAYS gives everything in every relationship she has had and she gets nothing or is disappointed in return... then she 'has to' break it off because she just can't carry the relationship.  

she claimed in our honeymoon phase that she finally found someone that she thought could take care of her also. and that they would never do anything to mess up what we have. (her 'ex' was still trying to contact her, stalking her etc..)     hahahahahaha!       i thought wow, im sorry that you always had to feel so responsible in all your other relationships..  well, of course, all this is bs...  again and again, just plain bs.  

idealize, devalue, discard...  

sad, but that is their reality...  and sometimes, we allow their reality to become ours.  still stings a bit, but i thank the lord i am not a r/s with this person anymore.

[ellil]

I was also told I only used him for sex. After his meltdown he emailed my brother to tell him we broke up, that I was having a breakdown and incapable of loving him when all he ever did was love me.

Thankk god I can kind of laugh at some of this now.

M

[david]

If you view what they say as mirroring and projection most of the things they say make sense. Bpd mirrors you in the beginning. I don't think they ever really change.

[modelc]

ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto...with that said...every phrase, behavior, act, infraction, rebuttal, accusation, excuse and outcome listed here was my life for as long as I  have been with my BPD.  And there is NOTHING I can do to change it.  Yes at times I think I make progress only to find out its just a phase that he went through and would have gone through with or without me.    I still have a week before he leaves...so I'm just trying to keep this calm until then.  And I do know that I will be stalked on fb and whatever and the minute he finds out I have ventured out of the house...that will be his ammunition to tell everyone that it was my fault the marriage ended because he could not trust me.  All I wanna do is party and hang out with my friends.  Last time I partied was with him on New Years Eve and last time I hung out with my friends was with him on New Years Eve...

When he tells people that all I wanna do is party and hang with friends...he will leave out the facts.  I know its going to happen...but I have enough respect for myself to not allow it to bother me.  The people that matter in my life know me well enough to know what kind of person I am.  I've been accused of doing nothing to support him...when I am completely the one that did everything to even paying for everything because he wasn't working.  That includes 10k for our wedding.   Always there for him in every way...but in his eyes...he doesn't remember that.  and When I remind him...it makes him angrier than hell!

[xeon]

He would say “I have exhausted all options. There’s nothing else I can do.”

How can you argue with that? Yes, you always lose. They always win.

My wife says that I always win... which I find to be a bit funny.  I've given, given, given and given... only to be emotionally abused and cheated on.  Some prize!

[draft]

From my experience, I've seen two things. And it seems somewhat correlate to your findings.

A. Yes, they do give everything. But it's what they've learned how to give. I believe the difference is that they cannot feel what someone wants. I did a little test...

She asked me what I wanted from her and I responded "all that I want from you is to be nice to me from time to time". You know, "show a little love". And the reaction was really odd. She looked at me like a confused dog looks sometimes. After that she asked me again to be more specific... And I answered again in general terms. A little respect, trust, support, things like that and I could see her getting really frustrated because she could not comprehend this.

B. Mine talked a lot about win/loss. My experience is that healthy relationships is about getting two winners and that was my previous experience. However I had a feel that here it was always a matter about things being "fair" and whenever she was not getting what she wanted it was unfair. You could describe it as a 9-year old who have not accepted the world is not fair yet.


Now if you combine those two above, you have a person who think he or she is giving something but not getting anything back. So it quickly turns into a war. The evil greedy S.O who just takes and takes, but do not give back. Meanwhile the S.O wonders what the f*** is going on!

[sm15000]

My ex did give a lot to the relationship and for a long time. . .but to get back what he wanted

As happens in life, if there are reasons you can't always give 100% to them and be what they want. . .they punish, very quickly

[BentNotBroken]

My BPD exgf would say the exact same thing. The truth was actually something very different. I believe that they base their reality on how they feel at the moment, without the ability to self stabilize their emotions, their emotions are constantly in flux and they try all sorts of weirdness in an attempt to "feel better". Mine would compulsively shop, start fights over trivial things, binge eat junk food, redecorate the house, buy an entire new wardrobe, start more fights, etc.

She blamed me for everything that made her unhappy and there was always something that was making her unhappy. When I did something for her it was "appreciated" for a matter of minutes or seconds, but there was always either a flaw that upset her later, or it was completely forgotten and she insisted that I never did anything for her/didn't love her/didn't consider her feelings/didn't contribute in any way/didn't help her/didn't care about her/didn't listen to her/etc.

it was exhausting. I gave everything I had to give for 15+ years and the end result was this: 20k in CC debt, 401k gone, physical health gone, emotional health gone (crying every night), family split up, homeless, 2 businesses bankrupt-she spent all of the money, seriously contemplating suicide because I was such a worthless human being (she told me this frequently and continuously for the last several months after our son was born--along with about 30 other derogatory names/epithets.) My good name trashed due to her lies to anyone and everyone who would listen.

They cannot be pleased for more than a moment, they cannot be happy for more than a moment. They are not living in reality, they live in the horror and fear landscape inside their own heads. Do you really want to keep living there with them?

[BentNotBroken]

My ex did give a lot to the relationship and for a long time. . .but to get back what he wanted

As happens in life, if there are reasons you can't always give 100% to them and be what they want. . .they punish, very quickly

yes! Very transactional in the way they think about love/relationships.

[stonehead]

Reading all the responses here make me understand why my pwBPD blamed me for abandoning her. She made me promise to be with her and suport her for ever. But as we get closer and closer, she suddenly pushed me away violently and accusing me that all that I do were causing her depression and anxiety, and that I never care about her feelings. I asked why but she could give me a reason. Instead she gave me all those craps which had nothing to do with reality, and told me those were the words from GOD!

I think I understand now, she expected me to know how she felt as our relationship became closer and closer, and that her craving of attachment would turn into fear of engulfment. Therefore, I must be at fault for not kowning her feelings at that time.  She must have thought that she had being giving everything to the relationship while I was being the callous one, taking advantage of her generous love.  Wow, these people are surely crazy!

[stonehead]

She blamed me for everything that made her unhappy and there was always something that was making her unhappy. When I did something for her it was "appreciated" for a matter of minutes or seconds, but there was always either a flaw that upset her later, or it was completely forgotten and she insisted that I never did anything for her/didn't love her/didn't consider her feelings/didn't contribute in any way/didn't help her/didn't care about her/didn't listen to her/etc.

They cannot be pleased for more than a moment, they cannot be happy for more than a moment. They are not living in reality, they live in the horror and fear landscape inside their own heads. Do you really want to keep living there with them?

Wow! BentNotBroken, You said it all.  That was exactly what my expwBPD told (accused) me of doing, especially about me not being caring about her; not considering her feelings and didn't listened to her. It is true that you cannot please them for more than one moment and they can change their feeling about you in less than one second!