However, it was at this time that I noted she was undoing her makeup and her clothes were normal. She had changed while I was away. She had represented herself with a snotty, "Are you happy now?" I told her thank you and I appreciated her doing the right thing. She informed me she was still mad. I told her it was fine to be mad, but she still needs to do the right thing.
This is where the validation comes in. I asked her what she was going to do for Wacky Day and she told me about 6 things. Since she only needed 3, I picked the three most benign things and told her she could do those things and I would drive her to school. I did this because her sense of cause and effect is kinda broken. I wanted to give her a win for doing the right thing so she could more readily see she should do what's right. My question, did I do the right thing?
My wife is going to be furious about this as she feels DSD13 should have been nailed to the wall (my wife also comes from the school of punishment that I do).
IMHO you did a great job with this situation. For me it really is allowing each person to believe they are a person of worht as much a possible. She may still have to deal with her PO about the intial defiance with you. You enforced the boundary, validated her feelings (I told her thank you and I appreciated her doing the right thing. She informed me she was still mad. I told her it was fine to be mad, but she still needs to do the right thing.)
And she went to school and was able to be a part of the activities along with her peers. She earned the good consequences for getting her self-control back and following your requests to change.
Sometimes it is so hard to change our own patterns from our FOO. Validation is almost impossible for me when I am feeling to angry - have to get my own self-control back first.