Validation

[Think About It...]

So, my DSD13 has Spirit Week this week at school (where the kids show school spirit for dressing up a certain way every day).  When her BioF dropped her off Sunday night, we all (DSD13 included) agreed that the rule for Spirit Week would be that she gets her outfit approved the night before.  This was to curb any inappropriate clothing choices that she would be sent home for.  Day 1, no problem.  Day 2, no problem.  Day 3, no problem.  Today, problem.  Today was "Wacky Day" which my DSD13 has always taken to mean "dress like a homeless beggar" with the added "with too much makeup" being new this year.  She did not discuss the outfit with us and so I told her to get into normal clothes, she flatly said, "No."  I again, and still remaining calm told her it was not approved and she needs to get into normal clothes.  Her reply was again, "No."  I said the 3rd time to which her reply was, "You face is not approved!"  Choking back my lividness, I walked away. 

A side note.  This would NEVER have flown when I was a kid.  I would be picking myself up off the floor after the first "no" wondering what kind of train just hit me.  Not to mention, I wouldn't have seen the light of day for several weeks after.

Anyway, I then had to back my wife down from chewing DSD13 out for disrespect.  This would have only escalated the situation IMHO.  DSD13 came into the kitchen to get her breakfast and I informed her that I would be contacting her probation officer if she did not change.  She told me to do so.  So, I did.  I left a message.  I told DSD13 that her probation officer now knew and this would violate her contract with the courts and she would go back to the youth home.  I also informed her that she wasn't leaving the house dressed the way she was.  She told me that she would just ditch school then.  Fortunately, my wife was gone at this point as I would not have been able to hold her back this long.  I told DSD13 that this was not a debate topic and walked away.  Her BioF called (my wife called him and told him what was going on at home) and she refused to talk to him.  However, it was at this time that I noted she was undoing her makeup and her clothes were normal.  She had changed while I was away.  She had represented herself with a snotty, "Are you happy now?"   I told her thank you and I appreciated her doing the right thing.  She informed me she was still mad.  I told her it was fine to be mad, but she still needs to do the right thing.

This is where the validation comes in.  I asked her what she was going to do for Wacky Day and she told me about 6 things.  Since she only needed 3, I picked the three most benign things and told her she could do those things and I would drive her to school.  I did this because her sense of cause and effect is kinda broken.  I wanted to give her a win for doing the right thing so she could more readily see she should do what's right.  My question, did I do the right thing?

My wife is going to be furious about this as she feels DSD13 should have been nailed to the wall (my wife also comes from the school of punishment that I do). 

[Briarius]

So, my DSD13 has Spirit Week this week at school (where the kids show school spirit for dressing up a certain way every day).  When her BioF dropped her off Sunday night, we all (DSD13 included) agreed that the rule for Spirit Week would be that she gets her outfit approved the night before.  This was to curb any inappropriate clothing choices that she would be sent home for.  Day 1, no problem.  Day 2, no problem.  Day 3, no problem.  Today, problem.  Today was "Wacky Day" which my DSD13 has always taken to mean "dress like a homeless beggar" with the added "with too much makeup" being new this year.  She did not discuss the outfit with us and so I told her to get into normal clothes, she flatly said, "No."  I again, and still remaining calm told her it was not approved and she needs to get into normal clothes.  Her reply was again, "No."  I said the 3rd time to which her reply was, "You face is not approved!"  Choking back my lividness, I walked away. 

A side note.  This would NEVER have flown when I was a kid.  I would be picking myself up off the floor after the first "no" wondering what kind of train just hit me.  Not to mention, I wouldn't have seen the light of day for several weeks after.

Anyway, I then had to back my wife down from chewing DSD13 out for disrespect.  This would have only escalated the situation IMHO.  DSD13 came into the kitchen to get her breakfast and I informed her that I would be contacting her probation officer if she did not change.  She told me to do so.  So, I did.  I left a message.  I told DSD13 that her probation officer now knew and this would violate her contract with the courts and she would go back to the youth home.  I also informed her that she wasn't leaving the house dressed the way she was.  She told me that she would just ditch school then.  Fortunately, my wife was gone at this point as I would not have been able to hold her back this long.  I told DSD13 that this was not a debate topic and walked away.  Her BioF called (my wife called him and told him what was going on at home) and she refused to talk to him.  However, it was at this time that I noted she was undoing her makeup and her clothes were normal.  She had changed while I was away.  She had represented herself with a snotty, "Are you happy now?"   I told her thank you and I appreciated her doing the right thing.  She informed me she was still mad.  I told her it was fine to be mad, but she still needs to do the right thing.

This is where the validation comes in.  I asked her what she was going to do for Wacky Day and she told me about 6 things.  Since she only needed 3, I picked the three most benign things and told her she could do those things and I would drive her to school.  I did this because her sense of cause and effect is kinda broken.  I wanted to give her a win for doing the right thing so she could more readily see she should do what's right.  My question, did I do the right thing?

My wife is going to be furious about this as she feels DSD13 should have been nailed to the wall (my wife also comes from the school of punishment that I do). 

[qcarolr]

However, it was at this time that I noted she was undoing her makeup and her clothes were normal.  She had changed while I was away.  She had represented herself with a snotty, "Are you happy now?"   I told her thank you and I appreciated her doing the right thing.  She informed me she was still mad.  I told her it was fine to be mad, but she still needs to do the right thing.

This is where the validation comes in.  I asked her what she was going to do for Wacky Day and she told me about 6 things.  Since she only needed 3, I picked the three most benign things and told her she could do those things and I would drive her to school.  I did this because her sense of cause and effect is kinda broken.  I wanted to give her a win for doing the right thing so she could more readily see she should do what's right.  My question, did I do the right thing?

My wife is going to be furious about this as she feels DSD13 should have been nailed to the wall (my wife also comes from the school of punishment that I do). 

IMHO you did a great job with this situation. For me it really is allowing each person to believe they are a person of worht as much a possible. She may still have to deal with her PO about the intial defiance with you. You enforced the boundary, validated her feelings (I told her thank you and I appreciated her doing the right thing.  She informed me she was still mad.  I told her it was fine to be mad, but she still needs to do the right thing.)

And she went to school and was able to be a part of the activities along with her peers. She earned the good consequences for getting her self-control back and following your requests to change.

Sometimes it is so hard to change our own patterns from our FOO. Validation is almost impossible for me when I am feeling to angry - have to get my own self-control back first.

Great JOB.

qcr