Bail DD out of jail - another DUI charge bf's crack pipe in car

[Think About It...]

My guess after hearing the confrontation with bfG in parking lot at jail after intake hearing and I posted bail. Seems DD was the only one arrested and maybe they all were high. But she was the one driving. I will most likely never get the 'real' story. She failed the roadside sobriety test and refused the do any of the tests - lost her license on the spot. Charge is 'DUID' - assume that means drugs not alcohol. Impound papers on my car listed glass pipe taken into evidence testing positive for cocaine. This is DD's old demon - maybe lesser evil than meth though. Not sure.

Was feeling apprehension most of the weekend about DD dysregualting after SSI denial and loss of puppy hit by car. Or maybe it was just time for another hit and they came in to some money. BPD is not a very good game to play 'connect-the-dots' with.

My cell rang me awake at 1:45am. Saw it was the 5th missed call from unknown #. Voice mssg was county jail recording. So took phone back to bed with me and answered. DD was in jail but would not accept my cell to answer without prepaid account.  Then she started calling again at 4am, so answered and again, got out the credit card and put money in account, answered the next time she called and said I could talk to her after 6am. Turned off phone. At  6 she asked me to COME NOW to bail her out. I said I had obligations and would check in with booking after gd off to school and I had to drive dh to work since car most likely impounded.

So sad that I know what I need to do from prior experience with SIL's and with DD. A little rusty though as has been a few years. So kept my head together. Dropped dh at work, stopped at police station for impound papers, went to work and got someone there to go with me to get car, drop truck at dh work and get back to work. Did get 'must-do' accomplished while I made after school arrangements for gd at friends house and email teacher so bus driver would release her without me there. Then bfG called me back, borrowed the car to get his stuff out of our house and returned keys to me. Then we met at the court room in the jail for intake hearing.

Oh, I also called DD's case worker at mental health for some support and advice about bailing her out and indigent fee-adjusted programs for dual-dx. There is one if DD is willing to ask the court for it. Called my Al Anon sponsor - I hardly ever do this but really needed some help staying focused today. Talked to dh about not bailing DD out until at least the arraignment hearing, usually in a couple of days. He wanted her to be out of jail, but trusted my judgement at the hearing.

Just very deeply sad about it all today. Angry too, but mostly sad. Sad that I was sitting in the lobby at the jail again. Sad that bfG was acting in very strange ways - that I now believe were guilt driven as maybe the crack pipe attributed to DD was really his. GEEZ - so glad he is out of our house. So in the end asked bfG if he could find place for DD to stay until she cooled down enough to be at our house without yelling. He nodded yes and said - bail her out. That was my criteria in that moment. ANd I could see that the bond would have lots of conditions. Boy am I right about that. She lost her license - no driving, drug testing and monitoring required (she will have to apply for the subsidized program or go back to jail - I AM NOT GOING TO PAY FOR DRUG BOND OR PROBATION), no alcohol or drugs.

I also could see no benefit to being in jail, without her meds (takes days to get these provided). So have not heard from her since I left her and bfG arguing in the jail parking lot. Told her she cannot come home until she can be part of a peaceful household.

Then it was 6pm and went to pick up gd at her friend's house. She was very stubborn about eveything tonight, and I had limited patience. But she seems to be sleeping OK now. And then tomorrow I have to take DD back to court for her arraignment - to meet with public defender and DA and then we will see what comes next. So many details. And I am going to be in her face somewhat to protect my bail investment. Actually have some limited legal rights the way I signed the papers today for notice of hearings and stuff.

So maybe in the long haul this will be a good thing. That was the support I got from both the case manager/counsellor and my AlAnon sponsor. Having dh and I on same page this time around is so good too.

So off to get some sleep. Keep you posted as the new drama develops. Thanks for listening, and prayers for guidance, courage and stength.

qcr  

[qcarolr]

My guess after hearing the confrontation with bfG in parking lot at jail after intake hearing and I posted bail. Seems DD was the only one arrested and maybe they all were high. But she was the one driving. I will most likely never get the 'real' story. She failed the roadside sobriety test and refused the do any of the tests - lost her license on the spot. Charge is 'DUID' - assume that means drugs not alcohol. Impound papers on my car listed glass pipe taken into evidence testing positive for cocaine. This is DD's old demon - maybe lesser evil than meth though. Not sure.

Was feeling apprehension most of the weekend about DD dysregualting after SSI denial and loss of puppy hit by car. Or maybe it was just time for another hit and they came in to some money. BPD is not a very good game to play 'connect-the-dots' with.

My cell rang me awake at 1:45am. Saw it was the 5th missed call from unknown #. Voice mssg was county jail recording. So took phone back to bed with me and answered. DD was in jail but would not accept my cell to answer without prepaid account.  Then she started calling again at 4am, so answered and again, got out the credit card and put money in account, answered the next time she called and said I could talk to her after 6am. Turned off phone. At  6 she asked me to COME NOW to bail her out. I said I had obligations and would check in with booking after gd off to school and I had to drive dh to work since car most likely impounded.

So sad that I know what I need to do from prior experience with SIL's and with DD. A little rusty though as has been a few years. So kept my head together. Dropped dh at work, stopped at police station for impound papers, went to work and got someone there to go with me to get car, drop truck at dh work and get back to work. Did get 'must-do' accomplished while I made after school arrangements for gd at friends house and email teacher so bus driver would release her without me there. Then bfG called me back, borrowed the car to get his stuff out of our house and returned keys to me. Then we met at the court room in the jail for intake hearing.

Oh, I also called DD's case worker at mental health for some support and advice about bailing her out and indigent fee-adjusted programs for dual-dx. There is one if DD is willing to ask the court for it. Called my Al Anon sponsor - I hardly ever do this but really needed some help staying focused today. Talked to dh about not bailing DD out until at least the arraignment hearing, usually in a couple of days. He wanted her to be out of jail, but trusted my judgement at the hearing.

Just very deeply sad about it all today. Angry too, but mostly sad. Sad that I was sitting in the lobby at the jail again. Sad that bfG was acting in very strange ways - that I now believe were guilt driven as maybe the crack pipe attributed to DD was really his. GEEZ - so glad he is out of our house. So in the end asked bfG if he could find place for DD to stay until she cooled down enough to be at our house without yelling. He nodded yes and said - bail her out. That was my criteria in that moment. ANd I could see that the bond would have lots of conditions. Boy am I right about that. She lost her license - no driving, drug testing and monitoring required (she will have to apply for the subsidized program or go back to jail - I AM NOT GOING TO PAY FOR DRUG BOND OR PROBATION), no alcohol or drugs.

I also could see no benefit to being in jail, without her meds (takes days to get these provided). So have not heard from her since I left her and bfG arguing in the jail parking lot. Told her she cannot come home until she can be part of a peaceful household.

Then it was 6pm and went to pick up gd at her friend's house. She was very stubborn about eveything tonight, and I had limited patience. But she seems to be sleeping OK now. And then tomorrow I have to take DD back to court for her arraignment - to meet with public defender and DA and then we will see what comes next. So many details. And I am going to be in her face somewhat to protect my bail investment. Actually have some limited legal rights the way I signed the papers today for notice of hearings and stuff.

So maybe in the long haul this will be a good thing. That was the support I got from both the case manager/counsellor and my AlAnon sponsor. Having dh and I on same page this time around is so good too.

So off to get some sleep. Keep you posted as the new drama develops. Thanks for listening, and prayers for guidance, courage and stength.

qcr  

[Battle Weary]

qcr,
What an ordeal for you! I admire the step by step approach you've taken without losing your cool.  I'm pulling for your dd opting for the program for her sake and that of your gd.  Hang in there--our thoughts and prayers are with you.  Let us know how things turn out.

[mikmik]

qcr,

Words fail me.  So much happening.  I admire that you still put one foot in front of the other.  Know as you walk forward, there are many of us standing behind and alongside you in support.

mikmik

[swampped]

qcr:  You are in my thoughts and prayers, as always, during this latest "wrinkle".  Some AlAnon thoughts that got me through a somewhat similar situation with my DS several years ago:  We don't create a crisis, but we don't interfere with it.  When in the midst of a crisis, simply do the next right thing.  (I ironed and rolled pennies when DS was in a similar situation.  You have many right things to do now, which you are seeing to admirably)  Breathe.  And most of all, Let go and let God.  Peace to you, dear qcarol.        Swampped

[peaceplease]

qcr,

I am sorry that you are dealing with this.  Well, now, you will not have to worry about your car being returned.  I always worry about my dd getting stopped  and the car being impounded.  I worry about the cost of impounding.  And, I get so mad at her for taking chances with driving on a suspended license.  Anytime, I tell her that she has other options, she tels me to shut up, as I will jinx her.  And, if she was pulled over after my warning her, it would be my fault because I "jinxed" her.  Geesh!

She says that she is never going back to jail.  She fails to realize that it is a possibility if she is pulled over and if found her license is suspended.  Plus, the increase in her fines.  Oh, their poor decisons, we cannot change.  We just need the serenity to accept it. 

I wish you and family peace during this turmoil.  I hope you have the strength to follow through with your dd's eviction.  I hope that your gd can accept that her mommy can not live in your house.  And, that her staying with you is stopping her from getting better.  And, that if she does not live with you that she may choose, to get better somewhere, at a place that can help her.  But, her staying with you is getting in the way of her getting help for her illness. 

I will pray for your serenity during this painful time.  Again, prayers for wisdom and courage.  Prayers that this may be the time your dd will accept help.  Prayers that your gd can accept her mother no longer living in your house.   

 
peaceplease

[qcarolr]

Today's stuggle is to get dh to accept getting outside support to put in writing our boundaries, expectations and the clear consequences. He has a strong bias against even the words 'mental illness'. Dealing with the substance abuse is much easier for him - has concrete component. Am going to look into a NAMI class - he is thinking about it and agreed to at least look at information on a class.

DD and G came in at 2am. G borrowed his mom's car. So hope he is driving her to court today. I will be there also - protecting my bail money! And want to know first hand what her plea agreement is and how she answers it.

She needs an address for her bond and possible probation - her comment as she went downstairs is apts are too expensive, she is no longer homeless. ie. this is my home.  So dh and I have get very specific with what we need from her for her to be here.

When I told gd her mommy and G were asleep downstairs this morning her only question "Is she in yelling mood?" I said no, she got her self-control back, and she had to keep it to be in our house. That is to goal - a peaceful home. And gd nodded in agreement. Then I said one of the rules for a peaceful home is kindness and respect of everyone here in order to stay.

So praying for guidance, courage and strength to continue on this path to encourage DD and dh that we have to do something different as the old ways are not working.

Thanks for you encouraging comments. So nice to be heard.

qcr  

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[lbjnltx]

oh qcarol,

so very sorry to hear this news about dd and bfg!

i see that you are handling it with a level head and calm spirit...good for you and those you love.

lbjnltx

[qcarolr]

Well I may have had a level head yesterday morning when I last posted. The reality of the afternoon was not so peaceful. Court clerk called and rescheduled hearing since DD was bonded out of jail until April 10. Then DD was in meltdown when I got home - at least gd was at playdate until 5pm. I melted down in return. Poor G was just caught in the middle of our hostility fest. DD and I sure trigger each other in powerfully negative ways. DD left with G to return his mom's car taking lots of her stuff with her. She called at 7:30 asking for ride from bus in our town to where she had to get her UA done in next town. DH did this for her as I was with gd getting her to bed. She slept here alone last night. G was here when i got home from work after volunteer hours at the humane society. He told me he did that this morning --- this is his community service in exchange for food stamps that he contributes to our household.

GD's response after school was "i thought G wasn'tliving her anymore?"

Quiet depression is state of DD today. SHe missed her community justice appt - rescheldued for tomorrow morning. I agreed to take her to this appt if we can stop by my work on the way home for a bit. I can do some work from home. So grateful for my flexible schedule.

DH was just done with talking about how we plan to handle all this at breakfast today. GD woke up with a loud "NO" when told it was time to get ready for school. So I decided to get out my invisible 'feeling jar' that is in my head and put all these feelings in it for today. And find some fun to have. THen snuggled with gd with some tickles and we both have had a better day. Dh will be home from work soon - hope his day was OK too.

I sat down this am and wrote out, again, my ideal set of boundaries. Just too many words that will only trigger my family to hear. So will take it one day, one appt. at a time. Realize I cannot push DD to do anything or meet with anyone of my choosing.

So strange that the bond terms are based on an assumption of guilt - similar terms as probation may have. NO driving, drinking, drugs with drug monitoring by community justice dept.  Not much about innocent til proven guilty in that. So DD has to accept this terrible inconvenience and the other costs (that she has no money to pay). Since she refused the blood test for drugs at the jail, it will be hard to prove she was not 'under the influence'. Don't think she understood this about her refusal. ANd maybe she was high and not able to think clearly. Or maybe she was emotionally stressed by argument of friend she was giving a ride to in the car when she made an illegal turn. Maybe if she had a cooler head about her she would have ended up with a careless driving citation instead of possible DUI, plus DUI 2nd offense, plus careless driving, plus drug paraphalia since they searched her car.

These are all her consequences - I just need to find ways to keep the battle out of gd's zone.

qcr  

[peaceplease]

I am surprised that there is even bond for a DUI.  She would not have to be in jail that long for a DUI?  If found guilty what would be the mandatory sentence for a second offense?   I know in my state that refusal of drug test is suspension of one year for license. 

Just thinking, if my dd would have refused blood test, then she would have had her license revoked for one year.  Now, she has had her license suspended since Feb. of last year, and judge ordered her to be off methadone in order to get her license.  She was in the ARD program and weaning off the methadone at a rate of 2 mg a week.  She was coming down from 110.  Now, she is at 30 mg.  And, she wants off of methdone because her hair is falling out.   But, if she would have refused test, then she would have legal license by now. 

Perhaps, your dd made the right choice in refusing the test.  How could they prove a DUI, when there is no proof?  On the downside, your dd will proably have her license revoked.  But, not so bad for you, as she can not drive your car.  My dd was a pita when she first lost license.  She expected me to take her whenever she wanted to go anywhere.  Then she just decided to take risks and drive anyways.  That was one thing that I would not let her do is to drive my car.   Although, my dh let her take his car.    And,now she has her own car - but, no valid license. 

I hope that you have a peaceful day, tomorrow.  

 
peaceplease

[qcarolr]

Well yes, it was an automatic license revokation - at least a year. And she has just had it back since August after the DUI in  feb2009. She could have gotten it sooner but no money or car to drive while she was living homeless. I helped her pay for reinstatment and the SR22 non-owned auto insurance. Guess I can cancel that insurance now and buy her a bus pass instead -- again.

We let friendG drive her tonight for her daily breathilizer - got her out of the house for 30 minutes anyway. Dh and I are taking it a day at a time for now. The place she is doing her monitoring is a lot less expensive than 3 years ago. Hope she can get some vouchers from the county to help pay for this as she is considered indigent with no income and gets county disability.

She is really on a short fuse. Maybe withdrawal from her pot and whatever else she may have been doing. Grateful her friendG is here for her. She cannot tolerate being alone.

qcr  

ps. she may end up in jail yet. this monitoring is part of her bond - it was only $500 so I paid it on a credit card! Then I get it all back instead of giving 15% to a bail company. And I kind of 'own' her somewhat to get her to her court ordered stuff and for her to be in my house. She is trying - just really hard when her emotions are just below the surface.

[GameGirl]

I am surprised that there is even bond for a DUI.  She would not have to be in jail that long for a DUI?  If found guilty what would be the mandatory sentence for a second offense?   I know in my state that refusal of drug test is suspension of one year for license. 

Just thinking, if my dd would have refused blood test, then she would have had her license revoked for one year.  Now, she has had her license suspended since Feb. of last year, and judge ordered her to be off methadone in order to get her license.  She was in the ARD program and weaning off the methadone at a rate of 2 mg a week.  She was coming down from 110.  Now, she is at 30 mg.  And, she wants off of methdone because her hair is falling out.   But, if she would have refused test, then she would have legal license by now. 

Perhaps, your dd made the right choice in refusing the test.  How could they prove a DUI, when there is no proof?  On the downside, your dd will proably have her license revoked.  But, not so bad for you, as she can not drive your car.  My dd was a pita when she first lost license.  She expected me to take her whenever she wanted to go anywhere.  Then she just decided to take risks and drive anyways.  That was one thing that I would not let her do is to drive my car.   Although, my dh let her take his car.    And,now she has her own car - but, no valid license. 

I hope that you have a peaceful day, tomorrow.  

 
peaceplease

They found paraphenalia to I believe. 

[qcarolr]

She was cited for careless driving, DUI-D (assume that means under the influence of drugs), DUI 2nd offense, and drug paraphnalia. When I got my car out of impound the contents listed was a crack pipe with evidence of cocaine, small amount of pot and pot pipe (she has medical mj license so possesion of this is not offense - only issue if contributed to DUID charge).

The hearing on Apr 10th the actual charges will be heard from DA. Since she refused the blood testing offered to objectively prove substance use the DUI will be based on roadside test that she failed. She will be getting a public defender. Not sure if a private lawyer could do a better job - we just cannot afford this even if we were willing to hire one.

I do believe that the crack pipe belongs to someone else. Just guess from overheard comments with friendG and his giving me money to help with car impound cost - guilty conscience?

Will see what happens in April. Hope to get her to therapy before that. Will keep some low-level pressure on DD about the need for this.

qcr

[peaceplease]

qcr,

Yes, an attorney would cost quite a bit.  She failed the field test.(I would fail being sober)  I think that a second DUI will land her some jail time.  You could find out what the mandatory times are for your state.  She could probably get a big chunk reduced if she agreed to rehab.  But, I am a legal dummy.  In my state the mandatory time is no less than 5 days and no more than 6 months. 

My dd was charged with highest level BAC.  That is automatic when it is drugs.  Her mandatory sentence for first offense was 72 hrs. to 90 days.  She got the 72 hours. 

It is really frustrating when they know what consequences will be, but they choose to take risks.  Time after time.

I do hope that she will agree to therapy.

 
peaceplease

[Kidnapped]

Oh, my!  so sorry carol.  I am still catching up from being away for a few.

Well, I hope for DD's sake you don't live in a three strikes state.    But maybe, if she has to do some time, it'll be good for her - especially if she hates it there.  I've seen it happen before, where nothing short of that  could make the choices clear.  Sometimes, it changes people's lives in positive ways.  Just depends on what she wants and and what she's really willing to do to get it.

I guess I don't understand quite why you posted bail, at all.  But I know my pov on drugs is different than yours. That was always a bottom line in my house because I was married to a recovering addict/alcoholic.  He knew and agreed well beforehand.   And because  my sponsor was the guy who ran the jails and insitution outreach for the local narcotics anonymous club, I had strong support in holding to that policy.   NA people are realy hard*****.   

When DD  got busted once over a ticket she had actually paid but which hadn't been credited properly, she didn't even call me.  She just showed up late for dinner that day.  Seemed rather proud of herself for handling her own business.  Truth be told, I was proud of her, myself.  She'd done nothing wrong that time, but she knew the rule and actually abided by it without being told, for once.  That was pretty good decision-making for her at that point in time. 

Following the NA party line - not your problem who brought the crack pipe.  Had it been found in other person's pocket, THEY woul been arrested.  Instead, it was found in the car or on DD.  (and you can get a copy of the police report, if you're curious and want to verify that, but cops don't generally let the person in possession walk, so...  it was in your car, and DD brought it there -  either because she was using it or because she was hanging out with druggies and letting them into your car.  "It wasn't mine" is absolutely the most tired excuse in the book.  It truly does not deserve your time, and the judge will have heard it so many times, she pretty much shouldn't even think about saying that in court UNLESS she wants to be found guilty.  There was risky behavior, it threatened your family.  That's all you really need to know about it.   It was a big no-no, she knew that, and she went there anyway. Her consequences are her own.

Like I always say - even the most gnarly, whacked-out street alkies know enough to settle down and have some manners when it's Thanksgiving at the mission or the sober club.  People with shopping carts that you never saw before will suddenly attend.  They like the reward offered, and they don't like the consequences of not following the rules.  And dinner is served after the meeting. Given a choice of the lesser of two evils or the better of two blessings,   any addict will wig out.  It's just not simple enough for person who is that confused.  They need a straight good v. evil choice.  Turkey is good.  Alone in the street on Turkey Day is bad.  Even the guy who hangs out on the corner shouting weird incomprehensible thing to passersby knows that one.  And the recovered addicts inside know that.  That's why they do it that way.    Because worst case, that person now knows where to go whenever they ARE ready to ask for help.  It's a wayyyy bigger gift than a turkey dinner, but shhhh!  It's a surprise, .

See what I mean? If DD can finally figure out that the jail consequence sucks enough, she won't want to go there any more.  But so far, all she knows for sure is that living rent-free at your place is pretty sweet.  Apartments might be 'too expensive',  but jail is free. If mom's house and jail are both free, then where's the real insight for DD, unless she can discover that doing it Mom's way at Mom's house is way wayyyy nicer than following the rules at the jail?   I know it probably sounds mean and uncaring...but that's not where I'm coming from.  If she had cancer, and fixing it required  stuffing her full of toxic chemicals and letting a surgeon cut her gutsss open...you'd do that, right?  Go through something ugly and unthinkable in order to save her life because you love her that much.  This present sitch is pretty much the same.  You only ALLOW her to have her consequences because she needs them in order to get better, and because you love her that much.   

So, in that general vein, I'm keeping a real good thought on you and DD.  I'm so very sorry you are going through all this, but it just might turn out better than it looks right now.  Seriously - look how thing have gone  You became ready to choose some change.  You moved in that direction.  You knew you were about to reach a crisis point w/DD shortly, and though you so wanted to believe otherwise, you held your ground on that and kept on your chosen path even though it was frustrating and scary at some points.  And what do you know? DD suddenly cleared the way herself.  She didn't  get in a wreck, didn't get hurt, and didn't die.  All she did was get herself arrested, which opens the door to some alternatives you hadn't even dicovered yet.  You had no violence in your home, didn't have to run or hide again, and didn't even have to call the cops.  She called them on herself with her behavior. That's some pretty powerful stuff you were channeling there, Mom!  I'm sending up a request for that to continue and take you where you want to go..

 
   

[qcarolr]

Kidnapped - thanks for the support. After I post this I am going out in the camper (for privacy) and call my AlAnon sponsor. I have had one for over 2 years, just unwilling to put that support into action. I know what I need to do - which is to not do anything for DD. If the DUI 2nd offense sticks, and according to friendG this is what was offered to her at her initial hearing in jail (Icouldn't hear very well in there) there is a minimum 10 day jail sentence in our state. It is really 90days to 1 year but the law allows waiving up to 80 days if participates in probation programs. She did these programs back in 2009 for her 1st DUI as long as I was paying for them. We kicked her out feb 2009 and refused to pay for remaining probation stuff. She ended up serving 30days in jail to complete that sentence. So I know she can survive being in jail. She can tell me what things she forgot to sign up for - she can make it different this time as she knows the system already. So maybe some of her her distress is real - some for effect to get me to try and rescue her. It is temptimg to borrow money for a lawyer - have to resist this urge and allow the public defender to do their job. If she wants to take it to trial, that is her right. She will know what is at risk there. ANd friend G is there to hold her hand along the way.

I know all this. I come here to get the cheer-leading I need to stay on track. I resist it often. I am also going to my weekly alanon meetings again as well and reading the lit. again. And dh is being so much more involved than ever before, in very supportive ways with me and with gd.

Keep giving it to me straight. THat is what i need.

qcr  

[Thursday]

q,

Where is the smiley face with pom-poms?

Yay! for alanon sponsor. Yay! that you are going to call her. Rah, Rah, Rah, DH being more involved!

 (always wanted to use the snowman...the pom poms are behind his back I guess!)

thursday

[Kidnapped]

Go carol, go carol, go carol!

Not surprised G is mad.  GF just messed up his free 3 hots and a cot, too...no more amateur T'ing for bf.  (TELL me he will not be allowed to stay on while DD is in custody...pleeeze?) DD wanted stuff from the system, but insisted on getting it her way.  She has now succeeded once again, and although an actual rtp or in-house rehab might have been more pleasant, she will likely arrive in a relatively safe, warm, well-surpervised residence anyway.  She will doubtless be meeting others who know the local rehab ressources far better than either you or DD, who either weren't quite ready to make best use of them...or who were, and still had time to do. (It happens. A lot, actually. Right about the time they have overcome the need for incarceration is ironically the time people start making their court dates and showng up voluntarily to serve their sentences. Go figure.).

With luck, you will arrive at a point where your home can be safe and drama-free for a few weeks, during which time you will have the opportunity to reboot your situation with DD from a safe distance. And, while you can't can't control DD's choices, you can control yours.  Granted, that's work too.  But it's safe, thoughtful, positive work - and that's what you wanted to do all along, right?  You wanted it SO bad, you were even willing to consider buying a place you couldn't afford and then place it at immeidiate risk just so you could get DD far enough away to see her safe and you sane, right?  And now you will have it.  You'll be free to determine precisely how things will work in your newly safe and happy home.  And DD will be free to choose that...or choose something else.  Meanwhile, the weather warms up.  It's not even your problem how she comes up with the money and resources to do a probation program. You wished she had a responsible job...and now she will!  Not only a responsible job, but one that can lead to a better life life for DD than she ever imagined.  That's a pretty good job, actually.  The pay is excellent, and the benefits outstanding. Your generous contribution to her success is the bus pass you mentioned, rather than taxi service.  (Idle feet being the devil's playground, as it were.)

The sooner you and DH can establish what the requirements for residence in your brand spankin' new improved home environment shall be, the sooner you can deliver the news to DD while she has the luxury of ample time to consider it all thoroughly as a guest of the county.  (I assure you, the requirements of any given rehab  were/are going to be tougher than yours, no matter how tough you think yours are.)  The jig is up. She's down for possession. What WOULD be weird is still wondering if she has a problem after two DUI convictions...or a DUI and possession conviction. Either way.  These are things that simply do not happen to clean and sober people, and you don't have to personally be able to tell speed from crack to know it.  The people who can do that expertly already did it for you.  Requiring a known user with a history to do 90 meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor is a condition of  every residential rehab. So if you even suspect you may end up operating one inside your home at some point?  That's not at all unreasonable.  (Shhhhhh!  ; )  A home is even better than turkey. And nobody argues or negotiates turkey with hungry people, right? Not even on Turkey Day.  Your place, your turkey, your rules.)   Disclaimer:  the goal is NOT to provide for DD's return to your residence or make it a comfy choice for her - or a choice at all, if you don't want to.  The goal is only to enforce happiness in your home and between your own ears.     

Personally, I think you could probably spend some time enjoying planning some new decor for your home's very own 'residential rehab' while DD is busy elsewhere.  Paint a room or two completely different colors than they are now...just because YOU like it.  Move some stuff around.  Maybe even reassign rooms to better suit your intended sense of best use and harmony.  You know...make it even more real and visual to yourself and everyone else in the house how it's going to be from now on.   It doesn't have to cost a lot - bucket of paint and a honey-do.   Could be way cheaper than doling out cash to DD all the time, while producing a more positive result in the end.  Maybe a new 'do?  Color change? Whatever you want.  Upset the visual status quo.  Throw the old guard off balance.  Heck - paint yourself blue a la Braveheart, if you want.  This is your announcement, you get to craft it however you want.  You know the stuff I mean - it's all visual fem sign language  for. "I AM the Head Hen In Charge this here henhouse, and I'm making some changes, people!"  DH might not understand fem sign language...but DD and gd and you and every woman here all do, . The mystics may call it 'putting our intentions out into the physical universe'.  The program people might call it 'participating in your own recovery'.  The religious might call it 'cooperating in God's plan for you'.  Whatever. But they all call it something or other because...they all know it's a fine tool for signalling real change.         

Go get 'em, Mom!  Take no prisoners!   (darn.  We DO need some pom poms around here...or some pirates...or something!)                       

[qcarolr]

I have lots of opportunties this afternoon to practice. G wants to drive car to his colleg class weds night. Need to talk with dh about how we say no. TAke the bus or ask his mom for her car!

DD asked her community justice case worker (supervising her bond conditions) how she can get permission to use her medical mj. DD was told to ask her lawyer to petition for a waiver. Well she doesn't have a lawyer, and i can't pay for one. I searched for info on the petition for her - all I found was how medical mj is not allowed as part of any of the alternative programs for probation dual/dx.

I need to just stay out of it. STAY OUT OF IT.

qcr

[Kidnapped]

Yep! Exactly.  You've got other stuff to do.  Happy stuff, at that.   

[Matt]

Several years ago, my son was arrested and charged with DUI - either his 2nd or 3rd, I forget which.  It was the event that brought it home to me that he had a serious problem;  he had been off meth for a while but clearly had just substituted alcohol and wasn't managing it.

I talked to an attorney, and decided not to bail him out.  I did retain the attorney;  I figured my money was better used that way than for bail, though of course I would have got the bail money back...

What caused me to decide not to bail him out was the realization that it wasn't a solution - bailing him out would surely mean he would drink again, and things would get worse.  But it was really hard!  He called every day, and asked when he would be getting out, and I stalled.  The attorney had told me, "They'll let him out before the weekend because they can't keep him longer without evidence, and the blood test won't be done."  Finally my son just said, "You're not going to bail me out, are you?" and I said no, but you'll be getting out in a few days anyway.  He said he understood and I think he did, but he really hated being in there and I understood that too.

That week in jail had an impact on him, but didn't fix him.  He had to experience more consequences than that.  (But he's now been clean and sober more than three years.)

I can't tell you when will be the right time to quit bailing your daughter out - literally and figuratively.  No matter what you do, somebody can criticize you for doing too much or doing too littler - there's no right answer, you just have to decide for yourself what is right.

As others have said, it doesn't really matter whose crack pipe it was, or whether your daughter's "drug of choice" is cocaine or meth, or something else.  She obviously has a serious problem - drugs plus underlying causes - and continuing to bail her out may delay the day when she will get the help she needs.  But I know how hard it is to make that change - quit bailing her out.  Whenever you make that choice, it will be hard, but it will be OK, and in the end - but maybe not very soon - you'll look back and know you did what you thought was right.

Best wishes,

Matt