I need your support..

[Think About It...]

This past week has been quite enlightening.  I believe to be closer to healing than ever before.  I don't want to slip back into the black hole.  This board has been my buoy for the past six months, and you have kept me afloat many dark nights...I need your help once again.

For those who don't know the story...I'll simply give you the bullet points.  He left me..I was left w' a ton of debt..broken family..my own family has broken ties w' me..I have only a few friends..was engaged and together for 6 yrs. He sped away to live w' his blatant narcissitic single brother.  We are both in our late 40s.  I have stalked his phn records, bank acct, fbook...etc.  Kept LC. Found out some "real" info on who he really is..very painful and very creepy feeling for me to resort to stalking.

This past month, I took a good look @ me.  I accepted (so, I think) my situation, my part..etc.  I was ready to move ahead. Then FACEBOOK.  I saw his pics...he was out and about...stoned...with women...clearly always w' one in particular.  I texted him and confessed that I had his Fbook password.  Asked him to change it.  Then proceeded to demand the 4K that he owes me which I previously was willing to forgive ( I have a neg bal on my own acct).  I laid it into him hard..telling him that I see him for wht he truly is.  That all his bs abt not doing well...is clearly not true...pics don't lie.  That he has $ to part (his pics involved an expensive limo ride and bar hopping).  I was angry @ myself(still am), I realize that whether BPD or not, the end result is cruelty and self induced behavior, he is a dangerous chameleon. In any event...I am here praying not to fall back into a deep depression.

[Sailskier]

This past week has been quite enlightening.  I believe to be closer to healing than ever before.  I don't want to slip back into the black hole.  This board has been my buoy for the past six months, and you have kept me afloat many dark nights...I need your help once again.

For those who don't know the story...I'll simply give you the bullet points.  He left me..I was left w' a ton of debt..broken family..my own family has broken ties w' me..I have only a few friends..was engaged and together for 6 yrs. He sped away to live w' his blatant narcissitic single brother.  We are both in our late 40s.  I have stalked his phn records, bank acct, fbook...etc.  Kept LC. Found out some "real" info on who he really is..very painful and very creepy feeling for me to resort to stalking.

This past month, I took a good look @ me.  I accepted (so, I think) my situation, my part..etc.  I was ready to move ahead. Then FACEBOOK.  I saw his pics...he was out and about...stoned...with women...clearly always w' one in particular.  I texted him and confessed that I had his Fbook password.  Asked him to change it.  Then proceeded to demand the 4K that he owes me which I previously was willing to forgive ( I have a neg bal on my own acct).  I laid it into him hard..telling him that I see him for wht he truly is.  That all his bs abt not doing well...is clearly not true...pics don't lie.  That he has $ to part (his pics involved an expensive limo ride and bar hopping).  I was angry @ myself(still am), I realize that whether BPD or not, the end result is cruelty and self induced behavior, he is a dangerous chameleon. In any event...I am here praying not to fall back into a deep depression.

[darkstar]

I am sorry that you have to see and go trough this again.

I just can say what works for me. I have one simple rule for myself. And I would go to hell before break it. I blocked everything from Facebook, common friends and family. I blocked her even on accounts I have access like my mothers. I want absolute be sure to see no picture at all. Because I am a very "visual" thinker and seeing a picture of whatever kind would literally kill me right now while I am still fragile. I need all my energies to hold back her recycling attempts which she started already again.

On the other side, I want keep my account to keep in touch with people from overseas who I met during my travels. So this is the only way I can have both.


I am a "nerd" and worked as media designer but Facebook I will never complete understand and why its so successful. I never had a account before I met my exgf. Her new guy also, but Bang.. he now has a Facebook account.. OH well! Just one more to block...

When LC don´t work then go NC.

Are you seeing a therapist?

[marbleloser]

I'm sorry Helena. Don't beat yourself up over it though.It's a minor setback.
I think they use FB as a means to inflate their self esteem. Think about it. You can be whoever you want to be on FB.Probably most of their friends are people they've never met or people they aren't very close to.My ex has over 1000 friends,but only a handful of locals who KNOW her.Even her own daughter won't be her "friend". In her mind,she has tons of friends and she needs this thought to feel better about herself.On FB she's the sweetest and most caring person you could imagine.She has all of the charitable pages listed.The Bible is her favorite book. It's an extension of the "good" side of her.Her ideal self and a projection.
 With that said,you need to stay away from his page,because you're going to see this projection as fact.Keep in mind,he's only putting up the good things on FB. The more you look and see everything as "good" and he's having a "great time" or "in love",you'll start to believe it. Ever heard "tell a lie often enough and people will believe it"? Even the one with BPD believes their own lies,because they tell it to themselves all of the time.And,it's hard to not see a lie,when the person telling it believes it as truth.

 Forget the $4K too. You may be suffering now because of it,but it's a small price to pay for your sanity.They print money every day.Your sanity and freedom you can't put a pricetag on though.  

[jacksondog]

Helena G.J. has a link on her quote just under your quote. It already has helped me. Give it a try. Great info. You need total NC.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Sailskier]

Darkstar...thank you. I have a therapist.I have an appt tomorrow.  It is my history, though, that it takes about 1.5 days after a "revelation" compiled w' anger that I sink back to depression.  I am trying to hang in there.  I need, I think, to be reminded that of who he truly is, and the cruelty he dishes out...to stop remembering the "good times". It's very hard to do when it comes in dreams. I understand most of wht has allowed me to stay in this r/s...I understand the complexity of BPD...it is not about understanding as it is about letting it go.

Marbleloser..thank you.  He isn't a true facebook user...doesn't have a ton of friends.  I came upon the pics and the on-goings w' his life because he was tagged in pics, events, etc.  I thought that I was ready to see them...I was expecting them...I didn't know how fragile I still am.

Jacksondog..thank you.  I read the post...it has calmed me down a bit

[darkstar]

    Good to hear, I really can relate. I understood it but do I really understand her? I think no, our worlds are too different. I developed PTSD while I thought I had the things under control. My ex is so convincingly that I was truly believing I am Bi-Polar, crazy and have a PD. From her side it was always just a miss understanding. She was too perfect in hiding it.  Or I just don´t wanted to see it, and have still a problem to believe its not me. Well my therapist has a lot do with me right now.

Take your time to heal and let go. However it will take, maybe it was good to proof yourself that you just need more time.