Need some guidance

[Think About It...]

Hello there all.  I have been visiting this website on and off for more than a year.  And like all of you, I have been struggling mightily with my BPD fiancé.  We have been together 3 years and, in that time, I have been through it all.  I have endured the black and white mood swings, the gas lighting, the projection and emotional manipulation.  I have jumped through every hoop put before me, including a proposal, to show her how much I care.  However, like a Hitchcock movie, the more I do to meet the expectations she sets, the more out of reach those expectations become.  About a year ago, I hit rock bottom and became emotionally despondent.  Although it didn't last more than a week, it was a very trying time.  However, the worst was yet to come.  My fiancé was involved in a horrific car accident last May where she broke her neck, and sustained many other egregious injuries.  She was in a halo for three months...I never left her side.  She was also wrongfully terminated from her job and is engaged in a bitter lawsuit with her former employer.  Since I am an attorney by profession, I have actively advised and defended her.  I was convinced that these acts would reduce her abandonment anxiety.  I was wrong.  And while her behavior has not changed, mine has.

I cannot express how important boundaries are in dealing with individuals suffering with BPD. Those boundaries are crucial for the protection of the nons in the relationship.  Now, when she is engaged in an unacceptable behavior, I simply extricate myself from the situation.  Ironically, this only reinforces her abandonment fears.  However, I have finally arrived at the inescapable truth that my emotional well-being is as important as her own.  If I am not “good” for me, I am not good for anyone else.  That brings me to the subject of my topic.

Although things have not changed much, she has at least shown an awareness of her problem and has attended counseling sessions on a very intermittent basis.  However, since people suffering with BPD have very specialized psychological needs, I fear that she will never get the help she needs unless she treats with a therapist well versed in the treatment of BPD.  As time has gone on, her constant emotional onslaught has made me much more numb.  I suspect that this is my psyche’s self-defense mechanism, and has allowed me to endure far longer in this relationship than if I continued to be emotionally exposed.  Ironically, though, I am pulling away from her each and every time we have a fight.  I fear that I will eventually just stop communicating…no fight, no grand break up where I lay it all out there.  While this may sound like a blessing to some, I do love her and I know she loves me.  I am not enmeshed or co-dependent (at least that is what my counselor has told me.)  I am simply trying to stand by the woman to whom I made a commitment…and I do not take those commitments lightly.  Therefore, I need some guidance.

I have NEVER told her about her BPD, although my counselor diagnosed her BPD traits in just a couple of sessions before my fiancé refused to return.   Obviously, a marriage is out of the question until/unless she is in active treatment for this condition.  So, do I tell her about her BPD and risk the breakup that is inevitable anyway?  My research on the topic has indicated that such a direct approach may actually be counterproductive.  Or is there another, more subtle approach I can take?  I am open to any suggestions at this point.  Thanks in advance for all of your help.

[desertbuck]

Hello there all.  I have been visiting this website on and off for more than a year.  And like all of you, I have been struggling mightily with my BPD fiancé.  We have been together 3 years and, in that time, I have been through it all.  I have endured the black and white mood swings, the gas lighting, the projection and emotional manipulation.  I have jumped through every hoop put before me, including a proposal, to show her how much I care.  However, like a Hitchcock movie, the more I do to meet the expectations she sets, the more out of reach those expectations become.  About a year ago, I hit rock bottom and became emotionally despondent.  Although it didn't last more than a week, it was a very trying time.  However, the worst was yet to come.  My fiancé was involved in a horrific car accident last May where she broke her neck, and sustained many other egregious injuries.  She was in a halo for three months...I never left her side.  She was also wrongfully terminated from her job and is engaged in a bitter lawsuit with her former employer.  Since I am an attorney by profession, I have actively advised and defended her.  I was convinced that these acts would reduce her abandonment anxiety.  I was wrong.  And while her behavior has not changed, mine has.

I cannot express how important boundaries are in dealing with individuals suffering with BPD. Those boundaries are crucial for the protection of the nons in the relationship.  Now, when she is engaged in an unacceptable behavior, I simply extricate myself from the situation.  Ironically, this only reinforces her abandonment fears.  However, I have finally arrived at the inescapable truth that my emotional well-being is as important as her own.  If I am not “good” for me, I am not good for anyone else.  That brings me to the subject of my topic.

Although things have not changed much, she has at least shown an awareness of her problem and has attended counseling sessions on a very intermittent basis.  However, since people suffering with BPD have very specialized psychological needs, I fear that she will never get the help she needs unless she treats with a therapist well versed in the treatment of BPD.  As time has gone on, her constant emotional onslaught has made me much more numb.  I suspect that this is my psyche’s self-defense mechanism, and has allowed me to endure far longer in this relationship than if I continued to be emotionally exposed.  Ironically, though, I am pulling away from her each and every time we have a fight.  I fear that I will eventually just stop communicating…no fight, no grand break up where I lay it all out there.  While this may sound like a blessing to some, I do love her and I know she loves me.  I am not enmeshed or co-dependent (at least that is what my counselor has told me.)  I am simply trying to stand by the woman to whom I made a commitment…and I do not take those commitments lightly.  Therefore, I need some guidance.

I have NEVER told her about her BPD, although my counselor diagnosed her BPD traits in just a couple of sessions before my fiancé refused to return.   Obviously, a marriage is out of the question until/unless she is in active treatment for this condition.  So, do I tell her about her BPD and risk the breakup that is inevitable anyway?  My research on the topic has indicated that such a direct approach may actually be counterproductive.  Or is there another, more subtle approach I can take?  I am open to any suggestions at this point.  Thanks in advance for all of your help.

[GreenMango]

Hi Desertbuck,

Sorry to hear the situation you are in with your fiance and it can be exhausting.  I was there too.  It sounds like you are at the ultimatum point.  I think these work out in a lot of different ways depending on our individual relationships.  It may be more important to figure out what you can handle, what is good for you (and ultimately her) and what you ultimately want...letting her "lead" doesn't sound like it is working out she doesn't seem to have the emotional skills for it yet.  The diagnosis doesn't really matter the behavior, the subsequent dynamic between you two, and how that is addressed does.  It sounds like you have two choices:  communicate where you are at and what you need from her (she may still leave even without uttering the BPD word to her...are you prepared for that?) or accept that this is where she is at emotionally in the relationship with you and commit to learning new skills and tools for yourself that might make the relationship more functional.  Either way its a lot to think about...I hope it gets easier.  Some space to figure things out, without the chaos, helped me.  It sounds like you have little faith or trust in her at this point considering what you have been through.  It's pretty disappointing when we love someone but don't trust them.

Take Care-
GM

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Alvino]

However, I have finally arrived at the inescapable truth that my emotional well-being is as important as her own.  

That's a very important step!   Be good to yourself. But in my view, it is still a step removed from the realization that your emotional well-being is more important than her own - at least it should be to you.

If I am not “good” for me, I am not good for anyone else.  

While certainly true, I hope that is not your only reason for being good to yourself... because otherwise you are "justifying" your right to be in a healthy and happy situation by positioning it as a "necessary" step to help others, effectively still placing other people's needs before yours...

And no, I don't think telling her that your therapist and you think she has BPD is a wise decision. You also have to realize that it is not your job to "make" her get the right treatment, she has to acknowledge that she has a problem first...

Best of luck,

Alvino.

[dah1029]

I have to make this short because I'm on the run.  I agree that you need to think about yourself too. Because if you don't, you'll end up a bitter old man with a shrew of a wife.  She needs to be guided and taught on how you want to be treated.  And we all need to do that with everyone we meet in life.  If she can be proper with colleagues, neighbors, friends, then she's capable of doing it with you.  She chooses her poor behavior.  And you need to insist that she remain in counseling.  I'll write again in a bit.

[desertbuck]

Thanks Alvino, Dah and GM.  I know the words you speak are truth and I have reached all of those realizations in my past posts. Actually, reading them gives me pause, and makes realize that I have actually regressed in my progress.  I understand that being "selfish" is this situation is necessary for self-preservation and that the word does not always deserve the negative connotation associated with it.  I realize that obtaining my own emotional health is necessary to achieve an emotionally healthy relationship.  As I have stated in my post, I have developed the ability to disassociate with much of her raging.  And this realization has really brought my situation into focus.  It is one thing to be in a relationship in which you are emotionally invested, regardless of how damaging that relationship can be.  However, I think it is far worse to be disconnected from the person you purport to love for the sake of emotional survival.  I know what the inevitable conclusion of this relationship will be.  Yet, I have a problem accepting that she must arrive at the decision to seek help on her own.  Please don't misconstrue that statement.  I understand it intellectually and can appreciate the perspective in this context.  But, if someone with a self-destructive disorder (BPD, drug addiction, alcoholism, etc.) has been allowed to engage in the behaviors associated with that disorder without fully appreciating the damage it has caused, how can they be expected to have a moment of self-induced enlightenment.  As we all know, people with BPD often shift the blame to the nons in order to avoid the need for true introspection.  If that is the case, isn't it incumbent on those who care for them to help them.  I truly believe that many people afflicted with BPD are desperate for help, but the traditional "pull yourself up by your bootstraps and deal with it” approach is not effective.  Direct confrontation, as I have learned over years of strife, only fans the flame of the affliction.  I am not suggesting that I fall down on my sword for her.  I understand that this approach will only take us both into the abyss.  I also know that I have a “rescuer” mentality and I am dealing with that own my own.   I am merely asking if anybody has had any success in coaxing their loved ones into a safe, therapeutic setting.  I am prepared to accept the fact that she may be incorrigible, but life experience has taught me that most people are worth helping if they have, at a minimum, acknowledged the problem.    Thanks again.

[dah1029]

My ex has been very resistant, oppostional, obstinate (whatever word fits) to getting help.  He's verbally acknowledged that he knows he has troubles, but doesn't feel like dealing with them.  I also would be interested if anyone has been successful with getting help for loved ones?  Does any approach work?  Or is it individualized?

[GreenMango]

I didn't have success at it, but maybe I didn't handle it right.  I choose my mental health first and laid out the ultimatum. 
-GM

[desertbuck]

Doe, good to hear from you!  I agree with much of what you have to say.  Unfortunately, I think all nons have been forced to become informal experts on this disorder and know all too well the emotional detritus it leaves behind.   I have no fantasies about things miraculously turning around…although I have prayed on the issue many a night.  As you may remember, I was much angrier when I first came to this board.  Like many, I was confused and emotionally battered.  However, ironically, I have experienced a significant amount of personal emotional growth as a result of this relationship…a trial by fire if you will.  I now realize that I am not the problem and never was.  I recognize that I have strength that I never knew existed.  I understand my worth and realize that I have the power to end this relationship at any time.  It is this realization that has allowed me to cope with more than I thought possible a year ago.  Yet, I understand that coping is no way to live.  

I do respectfully disagree with you on one particular point.  I do believe that people suffering with BPD can and do love.   That does not make the problem or effect any easier to handle. However, I feel there is love between us.  And while this love may not be stable enough to sustain a lifetime relationship, I do feel like I owe it to myself, and her, to try everything I can before I abandon ship.   I know the inevitable outcome, and have been inoculating myself as best I can against the fallout to follow.  I simply want to try and help her…not for my own benefit (I have long since dispelled any notion of a normal relationship) and not for accolades from anybody else (everyone I know has been begging me to leave this relationship for years).   I simply want to help because I love her, even if it is unrequited in the traditional sense.  She is an inherently good person and I pray that someone would have the exceptional emotional fortitude to help me, even if I could not recognize the need for it.  Thanks.

[dah1029]

DesertBuck--  I also have felt at times like I wanted to stick by my ex because he was so good to me for 2 years.  I realize that it might have been during the time I was being idealized, but I can't deny how helpful and kind he was to me.  So I think to myself, do I abandon him now when he's in need because that's what people say to do?  To go NC?  I don't know.  He rejects me, prefers to not interact, ignores my checking on him.  He asks why I don't leave him alone because he's a f***  up.  My response a few weeks ago, was that I would hope that he would have seen me struggling and stuck around to support me rather than to leave me stranded.  I don't know what the correct move is for me.  Getting rejected repetitively is awful.  I'm still trying to analyze why I think I need to check on his well being and then get emotionally beat up when he once again ignores me or rejects me.  But when this man was good, he was the kindest, most supportive, truest companion that I've ever had in my life.  I've seen the good.  The bad is really bad.  But the good is really a great person.  It's such a difficult choice.

[GreenMango]

And while this love may not be stable enough to sustain a lifetime relationship, I do feel like I owe it to myself, and her, to try everything I can before I abandon ship.   I know the inevitable outcome, and have been inoculating myself as best I can against the fallout to follow.  I simply want to try and help her…not for my own benefit (I have long since dispelled any notion of a normal relationship) and not for accolades from anybody else (everyone I know has been begging me to leave this relationship for years).   I simply want to help because I love her, even if it is unrequited in the traditional sense.  She is an inherently good person and I pray that someone would have the exceptional emotional fortitude to help me, even if I could not recognize the need for it.  Thanks.

I don't doubt that you love her, want to do the right thing and support her.  I believe that is inherent in a relationship.  I wanted to do that too...I ended up leaving right before his father passed from a terminal illness.  I realized that if this was the only time this was happening I could understand, but unfortunately this a regular occurance except this time it's a 100x worse.  I had to let go and save myself.  I still wrestle with the guilt sometimes...maybe you have some guilt.  It's like being stuck between a rock and a bigger harder rock.

This excerpt on Help was a turning point for me:
"Help is the offer of assistance for those who truly need it and ask for it.  Help is not chasing after someone to give them something we think is of value even when they haven't asked for it and show no appreciation for it.  Help is not visiting the same issues with someone over and over again when they've already heard the same thing a million times and haven't displayed any motivation to change.  Whenever we chase after someone to give them something we value but which they disdain, we only reveal our own psychological pathology.  And whenever we repeatedly put ourself in the position to be ignored, exploited, or abused we only "enable" and encourage disturbed characters to continue their dysfuctional ways." George K. Simon, Jr., PhD. Character Disturbance p213

I hope your decision gets easier. Take Care-
GM

[Clearmind]

I have NEVER told her about her BPD, although my counselor diagnosed her BPD traits in just a couple of sessions before my fiancé refused to return.   Obviously, a marriage is out of the question until/unless she is in active treatment for this condition.  So, do I tell her about her BPD and risk the breakup that is inevitable anyway?  My research on the topic has indicated that such a direct approach may actually be counterproductive.  Or is there another, more subtle approach I can take?  I am open to any suggestions at this point.  Thanks in advance for all of your help.

GreenMango made good points – the behavior is certainly what I concentrated on because I had no clue about BPD at the time. You are aware which is great. FTF can certainly assist you with the tools you need to master and yes boundaries are important ~ to protect you.

BPD is an emotional disorder therefore telling her of your suspicions may cause an emotional fallout and yes it could be counter-productive. She could very well blame you for having the disorder.

Validation, S.E.T and boundaries would be great for you to read up on desertbuck. Consciously hopping off the roller coaster is important otherwise you are both stuck in a cycle of conflict and all involved feel invalidated. If she has not been in treatment she will find regulating emotions difficult. Using validation and S.E.T can diffuse some situations, assist your finance to label her emotions before the conflict escalates to an unmanageable level.

The [L4] Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner will be a help to you right now desertbuck. That board concentrates on improving the relationship and helping you find some clarity on where to from here.

I am posting some links to these workshops and do encourage you to visit the Staying Board especially if you are living together. We need to learn ways to make things better.

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it
A chance to practice validation
TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

And lastly;

Helping a Loved One with Borderline Personality Disorder Seek Treatment

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