please explain how the care he gave me felt so real?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

was it real? it felt absolutely genuine to me, like he really cared about my best interest/well-being.. like i was surrounded in a cloud of safety and love.. was that all just an act to lure me in? a desperate attempt to get me to love him? so confused.. i just finally came out of the FOG.. its nuts.

[mmt]

was it real? it felt absolutely genuine to me, like he really cared about my best interest/well-being.. like i was surrounded in a cloud of safety and love.. was that all just an act to lure me in? a desperate attempt to get me to love him? so confused.. i just finally came out of the FOG.. its nuts.

[LostinBPDland]

Well, we don't know what he felt but if he knew you were coming out of the FOG, then he may pour it on to pull you back in.  Mine has done it dozens of times.  Just sit back and time will tell how genuine he was.  Encourage and praise his good behavior.  Hopefully it sticks.

Good luck.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Clearmind]

mmt, are you in contact with him or undecided where to from here?

[mmt]

apparently i've been painted black or whatever.. nc... so yeah i have no idea what i'm doing.

[CaptainM]

Try not to get caught up overanalysing the past - if you felt he gave you genuine care at times, then I'm sure he did. But it seems (like most of us in BPD relationships) that what he couldn't give was constancy. So he would care one minute and then not care at all the next. It's not a matter of one side of him being 'real' and the other being 'fake' or a ruse - it's more that both sides of him are part of what makes him him. He is the good and the bad, both equally as real and equally capable of giving you care and hurt.

Most of us looove the good parts, it's the 'black' times which rattle us - and since they often lack the ability to give us constancy (ie not swinging from good to bad but just sitting steady somewhere in the middle) it ends up being a very chaotic and confusing relationship.

One thing you may take out of this is that a pwBPD isn't a good "rock" in a relationship - we have to be ready to be emotionally self-sufficient because they won't always be there in our times of need.

How are you looking after yourself during these times?

[Clearmind]

mmt, CaptainM made good points. Being mirrored is very powerful and it feels great.

He lacks a self and mirrored you to feel whole. I know you are hurting and this may not be the information you are after. Have a read of the following workshop which explains and discusses mirroring in more detail.

Mirroring

There is not much you can do at this stage mmt accept to look after yourself and find some comfort in reading other members posts.

[mmt]

thanks guys.. yeah i have a therapist, been seeing her awhile.. it'll get better..

[Clearmind]

mmt, am I right in thinking you sounded emotionally deflated in your last post?

Whats happening for you right now? Are you having a hard time getting your head around the reality of it? Talk to us 

[mmt]

even tho this has happened to me before.. yes im having a really hard time believing this is actually happening again.. his love for me seemed quite real.. we got into a fight .. i said things i regret he got all self loathing .. i tried to make it up to him and he completely shut down and stopped talking to me..i don't know why i can't believe it. i just can't.. its been like 3 weeks now or something.. i did everything i could to make amends. its just ridiculously unfair.. i need to accept reality. i'm just having a really hard time with it.

[Clearmind]

mmt, I hear you loud and clear. The disbelief I held onto for a while was outrageous. I would walk down the street and I must have had a pained look on my face because I was experiencing flash backs - people would stop me in the street asking if I was OK.

I started reading Stop Walking on Eggshells on my bus trips to work - I was sitting next to a lovely lady who simply said - oh yes I have read that book! We chatted for the rest of the trip. We got off in the city, sat in a park the whole day, skipped work and shared our experiences - they were so similar it was crazy - she was the first to tell me about FTF...here I am.

mmt, it takes time for it sink down from your head to a gut level. I would dissociate to dull the hurt. It took me 3 months for it to sink in. Becoming familiar with BPD, reading good literature was the first part of me feeling like my head, heart and gut were finally aligned - I felt whole and now have absolutely no doubt that he is BPD. The shift happens - and while its hard to hear when you are in the thick of it - it does sink in.

Borderlines do love - they love the best way they possibly can as we do - you can only try as hard as the tools given to you and its unfortunate he doesn't have them all. Not your fault.

That is awesome you are seeing a therapist - good for you - it will help you enormously. Interested to hear more about your sessions mmt and what you getting out of them.

Irration with the world will happen for a bit - you are finding your feet - I felt the same. Grounding techniques are great for helping you get back in touch with your gut - Mood Gym is a free, online cognitive-behavioral therapy you may want to check out.  Massages, nature, the beach are also great for grounding ~ while you may not feel like making an effort - doing a little more each day is a great start.

Take care of you and look forward to your posts.

[mmt]

i hear ya.. i guess its worse this time cuz i just cannot believe it happened
again.. i feel ridiculously stupid for letting it happen AGAIN... so i'm sorta in denial/pain/anger etc...thanks

[anna58]

mmt,
you are getting good advice here. i totally understand that feeling--"i can't believe i let it happen again".  the care he gave was real. what he is doing now is real. that's the part that sucks. and so you are left with a decision about whether you want this, or can handle this. you now know this person cares and gets close, but also runs away and leaves. it's doubtful that is a healthy thing for you, or anyone. unless he is ready for a big change and therapy, etc., he is likely to continue with the same pattern.

good for you for using this board for support.

[mmt]

thanks anna..

[Applehead]

mmt, They actually do feel real bc at the time the BP actually believes and feels what they're saying but it doesn't last and I believe it's more of an infatuation thing.  Then when they figure out you can't keep them happy bc no one can they have the ability to emotionally cut you off and what they felt about you.  Then they usually pick a fight with you and paint you black and blame you for their problems and the r/s's problems.  Never ends well and the hurt is tremendous for us and sadly seems like BPD is a life sentence with a minute amount of success stories!  To get better they have to stay in DBT and fight their emotions and thoughts for the rest of their lives!  Think how difficult it would be to fight off what you believe reality is!  
 

[anna58]

applehead--you said it. very clear. sadly true.

my BPD person is slippery--interprets things to his advantage and believes they are true. he claims he was ready to go to his apt in california, but then my dog got sick and he stayed. but he never could go or wanted to go. he could have gone many times and talked about how hard it was to leave here, and i tried to support him in the process. he can't admit that was hard for him. he only sees things through a tiny lense that retains his self-esteem.

i accidentally sent email to him that was meant for a friend. i feel terrible. but i didn't say anything he was unaware of. i said he wasn't paying rent, that we had new deadline for him to leave, and that i would stick to my guns this time. i said that i asked the personality disorder board (you guys!) for advice.  That flipped him out, understandably. I told him, which is true, that I get support for me here, cuz i'm co-dependent and that i thought my niece may have BPD. He is still flipped out. He must know i think he is disordered. feels very sad.

[mmt]

that sucks. yeah i mentioned he probably had BPD and that explained his actions. i'm sure that sealed the deal.. sigh... when they want you to disappear.. you just do! its crazy.. it hurts.. i'm just trying to move on now.

[anna58]

mmt,
it's painful, i know. the part where i was in FOG was stressful and confusing. coming out of the FOG just plan hurts. it's better though to be clear, to see clearly. that part feels good.

my BPD is quiet today but not ultra mopey. i've told enough people that the 15th is the day he will be out...so i have to hold true to that