I'm crumbling

[Think About It...]

I don't know where to start. I am just crumbling to pieces here. I have had some contact with my ex the last few days. I sent "I miss you" text few days ago and she replied the next day saying "with the things you said to me I don't think you do". I told her that's not true and we texted back and forth for a bit and she pretty much told me it'd my fault and that she thought that I loved her but because of my responses to her breaking up with me by text again she thinks I don't love her and that I should have thought about those things before I said those things.

Yes I did say some nasty things but she broke up with me by text on valentines day after the night before telling me she loved me. I was angry I couldn't believe she did this to me again, breaking my heart to pieces again for the second time in 9 months the first time leaving me for someone else, completely devastating me.  Now here I am again reliving that moment of course I was angry cause I wasnt getting any answers, it hurt so much it's hard to explain this pain and reliving my summer nightmare over again.  She made me feel like its my fault and that I was to blame, I wanted to crawl under a rock and die (still do).

The last 2 days has been me begging, pleading with her to come back, the woman who has broken my heart too many times too count in 2 years and I am begging her to come back to me. Like a pathetic little boy begging for his mommy to pay attention to him. Of course she doesnt care and says that I need to let go and that "people break up all the time and to just get over it". She doesn't care at all, she doesn't care what she has done to me TWICE this year with breakups not to mention the bi-weekly meltdowns where she gives me silent treatment, insults me, threatened suicide, told me was pregnant, told me she "faked it" when making love, ignored me on my trip to to the middle east, (I cried on the plane) and now just tossing me away like a piece of trash. I'm begging for her back, what th hell is wrong with me? My friends are getting mad at me cause they think she is crazy and that I'm just as crazy for wanting her back and taking meier abuse.

I have lost myself I cried all morning today when she said she doesn't want me in her life ever again, and I still begged.  Pathetic. I have lost myself I am drained beyond belief, I don't eat, I am smoking like a chimney I can't concentrate on anything, I have a job interview coming up and it's my dream job and I am having trouble focusing on that it's scaring me. In the summer I was a wreck I thought I wasnt going to make it. I feel that creeping over me again.  I am scared, I am hurting I am lost. 

I don't know how she can live with herself knowing what she has done to me. She just threw me away like a piece of garbage and thats how I feel, like nothing, worthless, less than human. It hurts so much I just want to crawl under that rock and not come out.

[Simon_80]

I don't know where to start. I am just crumbling to pieces here. I have had some contact with my ex the last few days. I sent "I miss you" text few days ago and she replied the next day saying "with the things you said to me I don't think you do". I told her that's not true and we texted back and forth for a bit and she pretty much told me it'd my fault and that she thought that I loved her but because of my responses to her breaking up with me by text again she thinks I don't love her and that I should have thought about those things before I said those things.

Yes I did say some nasty things but she broke up with me by text on valentines day after the night before telling me she loved me. I was angry I couldn't believe she did this to me again, breaking my heart to pieces again for the second time in 9 months the first time leaving me for someone else, completely devastating me.  Now here I am again reliving that moment of course I was angry cause I wasnt getting any answers, it hurt so much it's hard to explain this pain and reliving my summer nightmare over again.  She made me feel like its my fault and that I was to blame, I wanted to crawl under a rock and die (still do).

The last 2 days has been me begging, pleading with her to come back, the woman who has broken my heart too many times too count in 2 years and I am begging her to come back to me. Like a pathetic little boy begging for his mommy to pay attention to him. Of course she doesnt care and says that I need to let go and that "people break up all the time and to just get over it". She doesn't care at all, she doesn't care what she has done to me TWICE this year with breakups not to mention the bi-weekly meltdowns where she gives me silent treatment, insults me, threatened suicide, told me was pregnant, told me she "faked it" when making love, ignored me on my trip to to the middle east, (I cried on the plane) and now just tossing me away like a piece of trash. I'm begging for her back, what th hell is wrong with me? My friends are getting mad at me cause they think she is crazy and that I'm just as crazy for wanting her back and taking meier abuse.

I have lost myself I cried all morning today when she said she doesn't want me in her life ever again, and I still begged.  Pathetic. I have lost myself I am drained beyond belief, I don't eat, I am smoking like a chimney I can't concentrate on anything, I have a job interview coming up and it's my dream job and I am having trouble focusing on that it's scaring me. In the summer I was a wreck I thought I wasnt going to make it. I feel that creeping over me again.  I am scared, I am hurting I am lost. 

I don't know how she can live with herself knowing what she has done to me. She just threw me away like a piece of garbage and thats how I feel, like nothing, worthless, less than human. It hurts so much I just want to crawl under that rock and not come out.

[jacksondog]

Simon, try to relax here. You need to pull yourself together and start thinking this out instead of letting your emotions dictate your actions. Think about that dream job your interviewing for. You don't want this situation jeopardizing
that. Are you on any meds to kind of take off the edge a little bit.If not, you might want to ask your T about weather it would help you going through this rough patch.
You need to stop contacting her. Thats a must. Your pushing her farther away by doing this. You need to start taking action on what your T and your supporters here are telling you.And quit punishing yourself. Do you realize what kind of person your dealing with hear. Shes loving all this drama at your expense. I know its hard but you need to start disciplining yourself so you can start doing the right thing. Dig deep Simon you can do it . If you want to contact her, instead jump on this site and vent, and read the stories it will help you.

[Simon_80]

Thanks Jacksondog. I know I am trying. I am just so blown away and so messed up I've been through this for 2 years and I am trying to figure out how I can be loved one day then the next thrown out like a piece of trash. It is the ultimate mindf@ck.  it's so surreal that someone could do that to anyone. It's beyond messed up.

[jacksondog]

Simon ,thats one of the most mind boggling things on this site . theres not a person on here who hasn't asked that question to themselves. To me its the most frustrating thing I have thought about. What your going through is perfectly normal. You have to try and understand that your dealing with somebody who,s emotions are like a 3 year old.Thats what your up against.
If she took you back today, some time down that road a head of you you are going to regret you didn,t stop this and go completely NC.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Belka]

Maybe a goal you can set for yourself is to not engage in contact with her until after your job interview. That way you can give the interview your all. Also, maybe by that time you'll be able to get some of the mental and emotional clarity that only being apart from your person with BPD can bring. Stay strong!

[WillThisGetBetter]

you got it right there...SHE is beyond messed up.

[eyeswideshut]

You are describing exactly what I have had to watch my son going through over the last twelve months... in fact that is how long they have been finally apart so it is longer... he kept his situation pretty much to himself, I knew he was having a hard time, I even saw the bites she had inflicted on him a couple of times but he keeps things bottled up, even defended her... but it is not your fault any more than it was his... he couldn't sleep... couldn't eat and I watched him getting thinner and thinner...it tore me up that I couldn't help him and he couldn't help himself... I didn't think he would ever get over it, and I just had to bide my time and be there for him when he needed me...but I just want you to know he has recently turned a corner, even turned her down when she realised she didn't want anyone else to have him and he is finding strength and waking up to the reality that life can be good ... people can be good and I am getting my son back, slowly but surely... life seems bleak now but you can recover from what she has done to you... i believe you are better off without her because you could go back a thousand times and she would treat you the same way a thousand times ... and then some... i wish you well in your recovery, but it takes time... lots of it...

[stonehead]

Hi Simon_80

I really understand how you are feeling right now because I have been in the exactly same position as you are now in, just 6 months ago. I didn't have a single friend (I was a loner all my life) I could turn to for emotional support. I couldnt tell my family or relatives because that would have made things even worse. She knew my situation and counted on it to keep on torturing me.  I am unemployed, without income. I don't have medical insurance and cannot afford therapy costs. I have all the time in my hand and kept thinking about her 24/7. It was pure hell.  Sometimes the pain was so intense that I just prayed to GOD to either strike me dead with a lightning bolt or give me a magical potion to take, which could wipe out all my memory of her, completely.

So, Simon, you simply have to sit tight and endure the storm. No amount of talking with friends, no amount of distractions will help reduce the pain you are feeling, and will continue to feel in the near future. You simply had to go through all those pain and suffering before things will turn around. Don't fight you emotions. there is no use trying to suppress your emotions at this point. Let it all out and feel the pain and sadness. Cry if you need to, curse if you feel like to do it. Write as much as you can about how you feel.  I used the format of questions and answers between my inner-child and my adult-self. I couldn't believe the amount of strong emotions I was holding inside me. It was a very therapeutic process. At the end, I got a written account of what actually happened of the entire r/s, as well as an accurate record of how I felt at the time.

It is 6 months out, but still I feel sad, at times. I still feel angry, but I think I am geting ready to forgive her now. After all, emotionally, she is just like a 3-year old. Reading the emails she sent me, eventhough there were full of abusive and disrespectful language, what she said did seemed to look like the work of a 3-year-old, throwing a temper tantrum. How can I be angry with a 3 year-old? By forgiving her, just like a parent forgiving the misbehaviors of his/her child, it helps to cut down the level of pain I am feeling and will help me heal much faster than if I keep on harboring anger against her. Now I can laught and tell myself that she cannot hurt me anymore, she is just a bad little girl, and I forgive her!

[dah1029]

Simon--  ask your doc to put you on anti-depressants if you're not already.  And also ask about some "as needed" Xanax to help with the anxiety and obsessive thinking.  The meds will work well.  I use my Xanax a couple of times a week if I can't turn off my thoughts.  And definately come to this site whenever you want to contact her.  Spill your guts here to people that care rather than to her.  She doesn't care.  And she never will.  She's not capable. 

If it's sunny out, make sure you get some sun on your face everyday.  It helps raise your endorphins and improve mental health.  Once you feel able, and more energetic, get some exercise.  Even if it's just a little walking out in the sun.  This also raises your endorphins.   But definately call your doc on Monday and ask for an emergency appt. to talk and get meds. 

Keep posting because your thoughts need to go somewhere.  If you post them, maybe they'll stop circulating in your brain. 

[redfeather]

Simon just stop right now. Dont contact her anymore and dont accept any contact from her. That is the only way it will stop. Everytime your brain starts the tape marked she dumped me on my head and went off with someone else just stop it. Otherwise you are going to drive yourself insane!
I did that the first go around with my very 1st pwBPD relationship. I really thought I was going crazy. I ached form every fiber of my being to get her back. I cried, ranted, became angry with her, pleaded, sent flowers, called her incessantly etc...
You name it I did it. I only found peace when I went totally No Contact. She would have recycled me even to this day.
Now this 2nd pwBPD I went totally in opposite direction. When I figured out what I was dealing with I slammed on brakes and just went No Contact 100%/ no begging/pleading/making deals with the devil. I just knew it was unhealthy and I stopped. You putting yourself through all this emotional turmoil is not helping you heal but No Contact will.
Take good care of you!

[Simon_80]

Thank you everyone for all your words they are very helpful. I did a lot of thinking and reflecting on what has happened to me the last two years and I actually started to feel better and see her for what she really is and I was  feeling a little bit better...but...

This morning I woke up to something I did not expect. She texted me "If I don't have my kids on Wednesday I can come meet you, but it won't change anything". I am taken back by this, and have no idea what she means. Yesterday she told me she never wanted me in her life, that "people break up all the time", etc, etc. Basically that she doesn't want me in her life anymore. And told me to stop contacting her and I did, now I get this. I have not replied and I don't know what her motive here is. I think she just wants to think anyway that she is bringing me up and then "getting my hopes up" and then cancel last minute or smash me down again, or make up some reason to not see me.

Just when I thought I was free and feeling better she does this, what the hell is this?

[redfeather]

Mine told me that "we could never be close again" which just about broke my heart. Yours tells you that "people break up all the time". Which did the same for you...broke your heart. Is any of this push/pull fun for YOU? Having all this drama/chaos in your mind and heart is this working out for you?
Dont you have a big important interview coming up? Is that important to you?
My point is she continues to hurt you because you continue to allow it. When she contacts you with these mixed messages and you read them, respond it messes you up. As long as you contact her and she responds back as it suits her your mind and emotions will continue to be a mess.
When you stop contacting her and go 100% NC it all stops. The madness stops. Yeah you can meet her on Wednesday but why? plead your case? take her back?
Please take care of you!

[discardedbf]

Simon - ignore my friend and do not do it as hard as it is.. Please I beg u to trust me..

I have been there and she told me to go - not to contact her.. I didn't then 4 days later I got the text I'm so lonely without you.. Can we please see each other.. Once I agreed lets just say it was a disaster.. She wanted to know I was still there and didn't give a rats about the mindfuk..

I'll tell u something my therapist told me in the beginning.. It really helped in the beginning.. Get your balls out of her purse and stop.. Just stop see it for what it was... She lied, used, manipulated and cheated(least emotionally) throughout the relationship.. She has jeopardized your career, health and finances.. She has taken enough.. U should hate her not cry over her..
Initially it helped to be angry to hate her it was better than the depression I was in..

10 months out.. Im not angry now or have any hate.. I'm basically indifferent.. U know what I gave and put all of me into it and it didn't work.. And I dont want that one sided relationship now.. But yes in the beginning being angry and hating her.. Refusing to let get destroy me helped so much.. I urge u to do the same do not let her break you!
Take back control, take back self respect, re-build your self esteem and know u deserve better! U will not play her games.. Let her fuk with you anymore..

That's it my friend draw the line in the sand get angry and say screw you.. You Wont mess with me or my life anymore..

The balls in your court Simon.. Do u want to be her toy? Or master of your own destiny?
I urge u to choose the second and rid yourself of this BPD garbage

[dah1029]

Either don't respond to the text or, just respond that you decided it wouldn't be a good idea.  And step away.  She's already told you where Wednesday's conversation is going to go. So it's a waste of your time and heart to get rejected once again.  Don't set yourself up for rejection. 

[catnap]

IMO, she is attempting to recycle you or at least keep you on the warming bench to put into play at a later date.  Or it could be your premise that she wants to raise your hopes then dash them. Either way it is unhealthy for you.  For them, any type of contact means they still feel they have some control over you. 

If you are hoping for closure, they do not do closure. She is not going to take responsibility for her part. 

Concentrate on your job interview, especially since it is your dream job.  Block her number/go No Contact. 

By any chance is she aware you have this job interview coming up?

US: "Relationship Recycling" - What is it?

[Simon_80]

I don't plan on responding at all. I have had enough of this and it is not fair. She doesn't care how it has all effected me and how bad it has screwed with my head the past 2 years. I don't know why she would want to see me at all. It is screwing with my head big time. That was the last thing I expected to see today when I woke up.

[Simon_80]

IMO, she is attempting to recycle you or at least keep you on the warming bench to put into play at a later date.  Or it could be your premise that she wants to raise your hopes then dash them. Either way it is unhealthy for you.  For them, any type of contact means they still feel they have some control over you. 

If you are hoping for closure, they do not do closure. She is not going to take responsibility for her part. 

Concentrate on your job interview, especially since it is your dream job.  Block her number/go No Contact. 

By any chance is she aware you have this job interview coming up?

US: "Relationship Recycling" - What is it?

No I never told her about the interview. We currently work at the same company but different cities. Every time in the past when I have mentioned that I want to go to another company she gives me crap about it and for some reason takes it extremely personally that I am looking to leave the company we work for. I haven't told her because I didn't want her belittling me or giving me a hard time about it.

[dah1029]

Excellent.  NC.  And get yourself pulled together for the job interview.  Get some outside air, sun, lots of sleep, and focus on what you're eating.  Try to go healthier for a while.  The refined carbs raise and drop your energy and mental processes.  Believe me I'm not a nutrition nut--  but focus on your inner well being right now.  Make life all about you and your well being right now.  

[Simon_80]

Ohhh, Simon... How I truly do feel your pain, dear friend...  

I have cried a river over my exBPD/NPDbf... I know that horrific shock and feeling as though you have absolutely no value whatsoever, that you will never stop the emotional bloodletting that consumes your every minute right now... But this "feeling" is flawed as you are not thinking clearly. You are in excruciating pain in this moment... but it will get better!

Please try to take in what your FtF community is telling you here! I know you don't want to believe it, you want to reach out/respond to her, you need "something" and I get this totally! We all understand. But having said this, we need you to trust us when we say this to you:

YOU WILL NEVER GET THE LOVE AND VALIDATION YOU SO DESPERATELY NEED FROM HER! SHE IS MENTALLY DISORDERED AND INCAPABLE OF "LOVING" YOU! YOU MUST GO NO CONTACT AND IMMEDIATELY!

I will repost the words from one of our community members, Iceman... His words to me began a change inside of me. I started little by little, to let my ex go… I went NC and have stayed NC to “save me”… and you must do this now for yourself, Simon!

This is from Iceman. I printed this out and made it my “manta” and continue to read it everyday. I want you to do the same, Simon… And in doing so, trust us when will tell you that NC is critically important! ... and in time, it WILL get better if you stop all communications immediately! It must be all about your healing now, dear friend... Keep posting and reading all that you can out here!

Quote from Iceman: (I changed the pronouns for you!)

This woman is toxic for you. She never loved you and will never love you. Yes, she mirrored you, wrote and said nice words, put you on a pedestal. You believed it was real love. It was real in your mind and heart. But you were conned and hoodwinked by a mentally ill person (like all nons at this board). It was about HER need. You were an actor in her script, she is unable to love you. Look at her actions, not her words. Her actions are your truth.

She is cruel and doesn’t have any empathy!



Please know that you are cared for out here on these boards and you are never alone!  I am now 1 year out and still working very hard to learn the lessons that this horrific relationship has brought to me. I still grieve, I still "long" for him although I understand intellectually that he is seriously mentally disordered and never truly "loved" me. Not his "fault", but his "stuff" none the less... I will always love him, but "from a distance" only. You must work towards this place, Simon.

I am not 100% "over" him, but I will get there and so will you! Stay with us on the boards! We are here to support you! We "get it'!

Keep posting and trust the process!

WhiteDoe

Thank you so much for this. It was amazing and I am so glad there are people out there like you whitedoe and everyone else on this board. Thank you.