She is creating a problem to give her, her excuse to go with her "ex" boyfriend.

[Think About It...]

I posted on the staying board because I think I could get better answers here to my questions. I am leaning towards leaving...hope someone has some ideas.

My wife talks to / sms / emails / or webcams her "ex" boyfriend just about everyday. She is hooked on this guy.

When we were together the first time, and she started a fight over nothing it was always because he was coming to town and she wanted to be with him.

Today I get a sms from her that made no sense but it came out as I dont trust her, I have a woman I am sleeping with (which I dont) and she is going to go have some fun of her own.

This is another instance of her starting a problem so she can go out and do what she needs to do. She has very high anxiety and self soothes herself through either spending or going with guys.

Has anyone else experienced something like this?

How do you deal with this?

I only see this as her getting ready to go have sex with her boyfriend.

I called her, she vented and hung up. I am working away from the house for several months, as I always do.

[Fuzzy Bunny]

I posted on the staying board because I think I could get better answers here to my questions. I am leaning towards leaving...hope someone has some ideas.

My wife talks to / sms / emails / or webcams her "ex" boyfriend just about everyday. She is hooked on this guy.

When we were together the first time, and she started a fight over nothing it was always because he was coming to town and she wanted to be with him.

Today I get a sms from her that made no sense but it came out as I dont trust her, I have a woman I am sleeping with (which I dont) and she is going to go have some fun of her own.

This is another instance of her starting a problem so she can go out and do what she needs to do. She has very high anxiety and self soothes herself through either spending or going with guys.

Has anyone else experienced something like this?

How do you deal with this?

I only see this as her getting ready to go have sex with her boyfriend.

I called her, she vented and hung up. I am working away from the house for several months, as I always do.

[jessicapuppy]

I think this is known as Triangulation, but a more senior member/experienced member will be able to guide you better on that one.

It is also clearly attention seeking, by trying to make sure you are as insecure as she feels.  Especially when you are working away.

Best wishes

JP
x

[Fuzzy Bunny]

Hi, thanks for taking the time to repond. I do appreciate your help.

I think she wants to justify her cheating. Yes she feels insecure. That is why she is always seeking approval from someone.

[jessicapuppy]

How do you cope with your feelings surrounding her cheating?  I can't imagine it does much for your self-esteem?

Do you have a therapist for yourself or for her?

[Fuzzy Bunny]

This is going to sound bad but all my partners have cheated on me. I think there are statistics out there that show quite a lot of people do cheat and many people never know. I know several couples where one is cheating and who knows maybe both are.

With this relationship I went into it thinking she would cheat, and therefor held back some of my feelings for her. Kind of like self preservation.

I do not take cheating personally and maybe that helps too. Most people cheat to fill their needs and most of the ones that do cheat, cheat no matter who their partner is.

It does hurt that she wants to be with him more than me. But I understand her, he only wants sex with her and no emotional attachment. Our relationship starts with her  caring towards me but when she starts to feel something for me,  then she goes to another man. They want you and run towards you. Then when they have you, they run away. They say it is a fear of attachment. Scared of emotional intimacy.

With a person who has a PD, dont take things personally. They act to fill their needs. I look and try and find out what triggers their reactions.

[jessicapuppy]

I don't cheat, and I wouldn't stay with anyone who did, because I know that plenty of people love their partners so much, that they couldn't bear to be with anyone else.

If you are truly not bothered by the cheating, then it's up to you, but I think you deserve someone who wants you and no one else.  I worry what this does to your self-esteem.

I realise there are different cultures and behaviours in different societies, and so I wouldn't think to judge you.   I just think you need to know that there are faithful people out there, and you should not settle for anything less than you would want for yourself.

I wonder if your partner is telling you that she is cheating on you, because she WANTS you to care, and wants you to be bothered.  Perhaps she doesn't feel special, because you're not bothered if she gives herself to another man?

 

[Fuzzy Bunny]

I don't cheat, and I wouldn't stay with anyone who did, because I know that plenty of people love their partners so much, that they couldn't bear to be with anyone else.

If you are truly not bothered by the cheating, then it's up to you, but I think you deserve someone who wants you and no one else.  I worry what this does to your self-esteem.

I realise there are different cultures and behaviours in different societies, and so I wouldn't think to judge you.   I just think you need to know that there are faithful people out there, and you should not settle for anything less than you would want for yourself.

I wonder if your partner is telling you that she is cheating on you, because she WANTS you to care, and wants you to be bothered.  Perhaps she doesn't feel special, because you're not bothered if she gives herself to another man?

 

She does things to fill her needs. She wants me for the security and him for fun and sex.

She spends all her time discecting everything anyone says. She can never be happy. We go to see her family or friends. We have a great time. And 100% of the time on the way home she talks about how every family member or friend only wants her for this or that. She talks about her parents, sibs, friends, says she doesnt want to see them anymore, a couple weeks later she does, and feels bad again, and the cycle repeats itself. This lady is just never going to be happy. Cheating is the least of her worries.

She uses shopping and cheating to self sooth herself...and the cheating is either sexual or emotional...doesnt have to be just sexual.

[goinbonkers]

who knows her intentions until she actually does them.

people cheat usually because they have intimacy issues and don't have to be committed to the cheatee.

i feel my BPDw is also making lame excuses to divorce me just so she can go back to playing the field again.

I posted on the staying board because I think I could get better answers here to my questions. I am leaning towards leaving...hope someone has some ideas.

My wife talks to / sms / emails / or webcams her "ex" boyfriend just about everyday. She is hooked on this guy.

When we were together the first time, and she started a fight over nothing it was always because he was coming to town and she wanted to be with him.

Today I get a sms from her that made no sense but it came out as I dont trust her, I have a woman I am sleeping with (which I dont) and she is going to go have some fun of her own.

This is another instance of her starting a problem so she can go out and do what she needs to do. She has very high anxiety and self soothes herself through either spending or going with guys.

Has anyone else experienced something like this?

How do you deal with this?

I only see this as her getting ready to go have sex with her boyfriend.

I called her, she vented and hung up. I am working away from the house for several months, as I always do.

[Fuzzy Bunny]

I will leave if I know 100% she has cheated. There isnt any doubt about that.

Right now it is emotional cheating and I can not prove that it is sexual. But after 2 years with her, I FEEL 100% sure she does sex with this man but it is a feeling and not a fact.

I am in the process of determining if I am correct. I have hired a PI.

[Fuzzy Bunny]

Insert Quote

who knows her intentions until she actually does them.

people cheat usually because they have intimacy issues and don't have to be committed to the cheatee.

i feel my BPDw is also making lame excuses to divorce me just so she can go back to playing the field again.

She cheated on me before marriage with this guy and others...and yes, I know, why did I marry her...I shouldnt have, when she asked me back, I should have ran, I guess I hoped it would be different

[jessicapuppy]

Hi there

I think you need to start looking at what YOU want out of a relationship.  Good work on hiring the PI.

If you are unhappy where you are and want to be out, then every day that you stay with her, more damage is being done and more time is taken up, and therefore there are less chances to find a new and happy relationship.

Has she committed to therapy?  If she shows no want to help herself, then you perhaps need to question whether or not you really want to be there, if nothing will ever change.  Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

If, on the other hand, you feel she is committed to therapy and changing, then you may want to look at that route, instead...assuming your PI does not discover her cheating.

From what you've told us on here, she doesn't have a great deal of respect for you, and I don't feel that you have a great deal of respect for yourself.  I could be wrong.

My personal opinion is that you deserve far more in your relationship.  You sound like an understanding, caring, loving person, and it is not wrong to want that back from a partner in a relationship.

JP
x

[SmileAnyway]

Regardless of the statistics on cheating and even whether the statistics can be trusted... becoming aware your partner has treated has to be a real blow.  Feeling for you!

I can honestly say I have always remained sexually and emotionally faithful to my wife.  I hope the same of her in return, regardless of the BPD roller coaster.  Of course she could be unfaithful and I'd never know... but if I became aware he had been, that is a whole different ball-game.

A pwBPD creating an issue to permit themselves to act out a preconceived desire is not uncommon.  This can also be termed projection, where they accuse you of exactly what they are up to.

Is she aware you know she has cheated?  If so, and she feels you either easily get over it, or simply accept it, she may feel licence to keep doing it.  Be careful not to hide her from the consequences of her own actions.  If you are not careful you could be validating her bad behavior.  

i feel my BPDw is also making lame excuses to divorce me just so she can go back to playing the field again.

Personal boundary setting is a must: I will not be in a r/s with someone who cheats on me and shows no regards for my feelings...!  Emotional affairs is cheating, as is as bad as a sexual affair if they don't quickly right-the-wrong!  

Wishing you well!

[Fuzzy Bunny]

Is she aware you know she has cheated?  If so, and she feels you either easily get over it, or simply accept it, she may feel licence to keep doing it.  Be careful not to hide her from the consequences of her own actions.  If you are not careful you could be validating her bad behavior. 

good point, I will let her know, she cheats, i go

[Fuzzy Bunny]

Yes she uses projection all the time.

[jessicapuppy]

Please don't beat yourself up about knowing you shouldn't have married her and knowing you shouldn't have expected change.  Hoping that our situation will change for the better, is what keeps/had kept most of us with our abusive partners.

There is an awful lot of good information on this site.  Have a read through some or the workshops and posts, and it may help things become clearer.

JP
x

[Steph]

 So...what do you want in a marriage? WHat would be your hopes, dreams and values with your spouse?

Steph

[goinbonkers]

sex is how we usually get drug in in the first place. 

i have since learned that sex too soon and too heavy is a  .

[Fuzzy Bunny]

So...what do you want in a marriage? WHat would be your hopes, dreams and values with your spouse?

I value family and being together to share life with. Values, same as mine, committed to each other, wanting the best for our partner and placing her above any other woman. Trust, honesty, friendship, support...

A big part of me wants to be part of a family. Really big.

Insert Quote

sex is how we usually get drug in in the first place. 

i have since learned that sex too soon and too heavy is a  .

I am attracted to great beauty. We only had sex 16 times the first year we were together and 8 was in the first 2 months. I am also attracted to her outgoing personality. She is always on the go (and i know as soon as she slows down, she thinks, and trouble starts).

[Applehead]

Fuzzy Bunny, I've had the exact same experience with them starting a fight so they could go do something else.  I don't know of her specifically cheating on me although I'm pretty darn sure it happen.  Were over and I'm on leaving board mostly but there is good info on here I like to read and learn from here also.  They'll start fights if they're going to paint you black, go out with their friends or to cheat.  When my ex and I were broken up she would start fights with her current bf while on the phone with me to free her up to get with me that night.  I believe this is quite common and if you see this happening then you might want to use it as a wake up call to pay attention to what the motivation it is that is causing her to do this bc it would not be in your favor and I promise you won't like it!  This will be your life until the relationship is terminated!

[Steph]

 How likely is it that you will have the relationship you desire with your wife, in your opinion?

I also want to add that she cheats because it works for her. There are no consequences, and in fact, you said it doesnt really bother you. So, if it works for her, why not do it? You dont seem to mind...so she has a green light.

This is what I am seeing...is this accurate?

Steph