He had a comfort object

[Think About It...]

I remembered something weird about the uBPD exbf.. he had a comfort object - it was a zipper slider which he'd keep in his pocket. He would rub the zipper between his pointer finger and thumb. It was so weird. I asked why he had that in his pocket and he said it was a "comfort object". I used to have a comfort object or security blanket when I was around 4 or 5 years old, it was a pillow that I would always bring with me when we travel. I couldn't sleep if I didn't have that pillow. But I was 4 or 5 then, he was 28 and still had that "security blanket". I just found it bizarre.

[cookie_au_lait]

I remembered something weird about the uBPD exbf.. he had a comfort object - it was a zipper slider which he'd keep in his pocket. He would rub the zipper between his pointer finger and thumb. It was so weird. I asked why he had that in his pocket and he said it was a "comfort object". I used to have a comfort object or security blanket when I was around 4 or 5 years old, it was a pillow that I would always bring with me when we travel. I couldn't sleep if I didn't have that pillow. But I was 4 or 5 then, he was 28 and still had that "security blanket". I just found it bizarre.

[wahoo11]

Mine would hold her teddy bear if she got upset or scared. Very childlike.

[jessicapuppy]

Hi there

I suppose people with BPD are stunted at the emotional age of a toddler?  Perhaps it's part of that?

JP
x

[GreenMango]

Comfort objects are interesting.  I think it can go beyond an object and be an activity. 

I feel we all have comfort objects in a sense...whether its our coffee, our routine, a good book, a creative activity, exercise, and sometimes people.  I think our comfort objects can evolve with our maturity and personal growth...and sometimes they are a reminder of a good memory.  I have heard that people practicing mindfulness may carry a small stone in their pocket to touch when they feel the need to be in the present and grounded.  These comfort objects can be very good coping tools.  It seems though when we are exiting a tough relationship with a pwBPD we are looking for the "markers", or proof, they were crazy.  And, this is part of the process too in making sense of a chaotic situation...but I don't want to discount healthy comfort objects.

-GM

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[ellil]

Mine carried a worn picture of his dead brother in law and would look at it when distressed or sad.  ?

M

[o2bz14u]

Mine always made sure I left an article of my clothing behind. He would panic if he thought I was talking ALL my laundry home to wash. I had to leave something behind. He hugged the item while he slept he said. For comfort. He said he slept better. It was like having a Teddy Bear. He assured me it was not for any sort of fetish sexual gratification. I found out he would ferret some of my clothing away just in case I took everything with me. I never knew what to think about this. I was not really creeped out. But nor was I flattered.

Years ago I was dating another (suspected now) uBPDbf. The first time I visited his home after a couple months of dating I noticed a nail in the wall over his desk and it had a very long hair draped over it. I thought he was just a bad housekeeper and it had drifted there somehow. When I tried to snatch it to throw it away  for him, he panicked and said...It was my hair...That the first time we met (and that he was smitten) he got home and noticed this really long brown hair on his sweater and knew it was from me. He draped it over this nail and saved it. I was creeped out.

I read on some site about BPDs saving an item, or some sort of momento, from the person who is their love object. Supposedly it is common with BPDpersons.


I got another red flag to add to my list now.


.

[Roger Rabbit]

Anyone think this forum is a comfort object to them right now? I do.

[GreenMango]

Anyone think this forum is a comfort object to them right now? I do.

   You called it.

[GreenMango]

Mine always made sure I left an article of my clothing behind. He would panic if he thought I was talking ALL my laundry home to wash. I had to leave something behind. He hugged the item while he slept he said. For comfort. He said he slept better.

Hey o2-
I like reading your posts they are straight up and I like your humor.  I used to love the way my ex smelled.  I wouldn't "ferret" his clothes, but I did like sleeping in his shirt.  Maybe its a pheromone thing.

Maybe you smell great ...but not sure about the single strand of hair though seems like could have other tokens from a first date. 
-GM

[Clearmind]

I remembered something weird about the uBPD exbf.. he had a comfort object - it was a zipper slider which he'd keep in his pocket. He would rub the zipper between his pointer finger and thumb. It was so weird. I asked why he had that in his pocket and he said it was a "comfort object". I used to have a comfort object or security blanket when I was around 4 or 5 years old, it was a pillow that I would always bring with me when we travel. I couldn't sleep if I didn't have that pillow. But I was 4 or 5 then, he was 28 and still had that "security blanket". I just found it bizarre.

Cookie, my comfort pillow was thrown on top of my fathers wardrobe when I was 3 – I remember it vividly and cried for 3 days. The separation anxiety I felt was huge for me at that age.

These transitional objects form part of the development phase for some kids.

My own transitional object – my pillow – was the beginning of me recognising that my mother while not always present physically she still existed. Object constancy phase (between 2 – 3 years old) is an important phase in a child developing a self image and the transitional objects are symbolic of the mother – to ease separation and encourage healthy detachment.

It’s said that Borderlines have not progressed through this phase and instead their emotions are arrested at around the age of 3.

So while it sounds bizarre to us its sad to think BPDs need those ‘security blankets’ as adults.

Simplistic explanation to something complex. If you want to know more about the stages of development do some google searching on separation-individuation and BPD.

BPD Behaviors: Objectifying the Non-partner

[backontop]

My exBPDbf's comfort object was other women.   He wold hold them if he got scared, or upset, or angry, or happy... 

[jessicapuppy]

He he...well done backontop...that made me chuckle 

[GreenMango]

My exBPDbf's comfort object was other women.   He wold hold them if he got scared, or upset, or angry, or happy... 

Backontop...I'm laughing so hard I'm crying.  I know this for sure...it wasn't funny at the time but thinking about mine hugging them like a stuffed animal when he was scared or upset is cracking me up.   Thanks for that.

-GM 

[backontop]

No problemo!   When you can find your sense of humor about it... You know your well on your way to healing and moving on!    Happy recovery!

[Sofie]

My ex liked to wear her dead father's unwashed sweaters. (The very same man who had abused and molested her horribly throughout her childhood.) Yes - it was beyond creepy.

[jessicapuppy]

My ex liked to wear her dead father's unwashed sweaters. (The very same man who had abused and molested her horribly throughout her childhood.) Yes - it was beyond creepy.

I think that may be an example of 'Enmeshment' and 'Co-Dependence':

http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=128107.0

Please anybody feel free to tell me if I'm wrong...

JP
x

[Clearmind]

JP, I believe its object constancy. Relying on transitional objects for soothing and security.

[jessicapuppy]

JP, I believe its object constancy. Relying on transitional objects for soothing and security.

Hi there Clearmind

Thanks for that

Would the enmeshment and co-dependency not be the reasons for the need of the object constancy?

JP

[CaptainM]

Hi JP,

Our mature object constancy is what enables us to understand that, whilst our partners have to go off to work, they will be home later and we don't feel abandoned or alone in the meantime. They're still held in our thoughts, we still act and relate as if they're there. People with BPD lack that ability for the most part, so if we leave for the day they may feel abandoned and begin splitting - we left them, we're all bad, we deserve to be punished and they are all alone and need to find something to soothe this feeling. This is why a lot of us feel like we're 'out of sight out of mind' when with a pwBPD.

So what CM is talking about when she says a transitional object is that "security blanket" that, as a child, we cling to and we associate with our parent so we don't feel abandoned when they leave the room. As mature emotional adults we've learned to not need that transitional object, we have mature emotions that allow us to not feel abandoned when our partner is out of sight - but a pwBPD does not, so they may cling on to these transitional objects to help soothe themselves. Things that smell like us, things we gave them, my ex actually had a teddy from her childhood - it's just the same as watching a 3 year old who won't settle without their teddy.

The above is all from a layman (me) so no guarantee that I've hit the nail on the head but that's my understanding.

[34broken]

my 27yr old  exgf still has her  baby blanket .. albeit it looks like chit... but her grandma (now deceased) made it. She wouldn't even let me touch it. She also kept all of my presents at her cubicle desk as reminders. I am sure she threw em all in the trash when she slayed her current victim.