Getting Him to Get Help and Self Conflict

[Think About It...]

uBPDh was diagnosed with ADHD as a teenager then was later booted from the military for an "unspecified personality disorder."  He embraces his ADHD diagnosis, but it also serves as a shield he uses to keep from considering that anything else may be wrong.

I have gotten him into couples counselling with no fewer than 4 therapists.  He usually "fires" them after the first or second meeting because they are "sexist and biased."  He blames all of our problems on me.  ALL OF THEM.

I have spent the last year or so in individual therapy very successfully working through some of my codependancy issues and such.  I was "graduated" from therapy by my therapist a few weeks ago.

With my Therapy, things have gotten a lot better between uBPDh and I, but I still really, really wish he'd get help.

How do I encourage him to get help without pushing him over the edge or having him just deflect it back on me?  I got him to agree to go see a psychologist last year, but nothing came of the one meeting and he blatantly lied to me and said the psychologist told him that I was clearly the one who needed help, not him.

So that's my first question, how do I get him to get help?

My second issue is this feeling of internal conflict.  I have been working very hard to be more compassionate toward him, to be a better listener, to be considerate to him in action, and these are great steps forward for me.  It has helped our relationship and made me a better partner (and person overall). 

But I still feel like some part of my soul is leaking away, and it's manifesting as a sort of sexual dysfunction.  uBPDh have always had a pretty darn good sex life, but he has nitpicked at me so much and for so long that whenever foreplay starts, these fences that I never had before shoot up.  I see myself through his eyes and I don't like what I see AT ALL.  Every dreg of confidence is gone and I absolutely can't understand why he is touching me since he has said so many things so many times about everything that is wrong with me.

Why was this never a problem before and why is it coming up now?

What frustrates me even more is that I KNOW that he's basically lying with most of the negative things he says and that he DOES find me attractive, but for some reason this has suddenly become a major hang up for me.

I want to continue to be considerate and understanding but I also need to stop having this weird thing inside where I internalize all the awful things he says to me when he's dysregulated.

And I still completely don't understand the boundaries thing - apparently.

[Steel_Magnolia]

uBPDh was diagnosed with ADHD as a teenager then was later booted from the military for an "unspecified personality disorder."  He embraces his ADHD diagnosis, but it also serves as a shield he uses to keep from considering that anything else may be wrong.

I have gotten him into couples counselling with no fewer than 4 therapists.  He usually "fires" them after the first or second meeting because they are "sexist and biased."  He blames all of our problems on me.  ALL OF THEM.

I have spent the last year or so in individual therapy very successfully working through some of my codependancy issues and such.  I was "graduated" from therapy by my therapist a few weeks ago.

With my Therapy, things have gotten a lot better between uBPDh and I, but I still really, really wish he'd get help.

How do I encourage him to get help without pushing him over the edge or having him just deflect it back on me?  I got him to agree to go see a psychologist last year, but nothing came of the one meeting and he blatantly lied to me and said the psychologist told him that I was clearly the one who needed help, not him.

So that's my first question, how do I get him to get help?

My second issue is this feeling of internal conflict.  I have been working very hard to be more compassionate toward him, to be a better listener, to be considerate to him in action, and these are great steps forward for me.  It has helped our relationship and made me a better partner (and person overall). 

But I still feel like some part of my soul is leaking away, and it's manifesting as a sort of sexual dysfunction.  uBPDh have always had a pretty darn good sex life, but he has nitpicked at me so much and for so long that whenever foreplay starts, these fences that I never had before shoot up.  I see myself through his eyes and I don't like what I see AT ALL.  Every dreg of confidence is gone and I absolutely can't understand why he is touching me since he has said so many things so many times about everything that is wrong with me.

Why was this never a problem before and why is it coming up now?

What frustrates me even more is that I KNOW that he's basically lying with most of the negative things he says and that he DOES find me attractive, but for some reason this has suddenly become a major hang up for me.

I want to continue to be considerate and understanding but I also need to stop having this weird thing inside where I internalize all the awful things he says to me when he's dysregulated.

And I still completely don't understand the boundaries thing - apparently.

[argyle]

Question 1: You don't.  Hard to change someone who doesn't want to change.

Closest you can come?  Clean up your side of the street, really thoroughly.

Then, after your end is pretty spotless, evaluate the R/S and figure out if it is worth keeping.  If it is not worth keeping, tell him about all the dealbreakers and ask for change.  If he changes, fine.

If he doesn't change, it may be fairly obvious to him that you're doing your part and he may become open to the idea that he's not behaving perfectly. At that point, he might get into therapy - at which point you give him the number for a pre-prepped individual therapist and reputable DBT group.

If you've cleaned up your end, the R/S is unacceptable, he's unable to change, and he's unwilling to consider therapy - then divorce sounds reasonable.  Of course, starting with divorce is probably more reasonable (and takes a lot less time), but you're on the staying board.

Question 2: You're taking abuse - and it hurts.  Some portion of the abuse is probably difficult to avoid.  However, walking out earlier helps. So does mindfulness - you don't need to engage when someone is saying nasty stuff and you don't have to take it personally. The trick is...keeping boundaries will initially result in escalation (extinction burst) and will always result in increased short-term pain - just part of the territory if you choose to live with crazy people.

--Argyle

[Steel_Magnolia]

Thanks, Argyle.  I am still working on my side of the street.

As far as the abuse, I don't take it much anymore.  I really am getting a lot better an conquering my codependant tendancies.  For some reason, though, the abuse that I took BEFORE is what's coming back to haunt me now.  Maybe it's my own little extinction burst?

[argyle]

Bear in mind...pretty spotless doesn't mean perfect - I really mean getting to 80% or so.   Basically, getting to the point where...even if you eliminated your remaining issues...the R/S wouldn't change drastically.  There's always a point of diminishing returns.  (Or, if there isn't, there's no problem. )

I dunno...I'm not actually good with women.  Maybe repeating...I'm married to a crazy man, and he's mean sometimes, but he really loves me a few hundred times? I'm trying to think of BPDw's abuse as 'argle fargle blah' - (Auspicuous) - helps a bit. Personally, I've found crying pretty effective.  That and screaming incoherently and shattering bricks (wear glasses) when no one's around. Mom recommends yardwork... Maybe talk to him...or try doing stuff that has you feeling attractive?  BPDw is pretty fond of lingerie and cheap shoes?

--Argyle

[isilme]

But I still feel like some part of my soul is leaking away, and it's manifesting as a sort of sexual dysfunction.  uBPDh have always had a pretty darn good sex life, but he has nitpicked at me so much and for so long that whenever foreplay starts, these fences that I never had before shoot up.  I see myself through his eyes and I don't like what I see AT ALL.  Every dreg of confidence is gone and I absolutely can't understand why he is touching me since he has said so many things so many times about everything that is wrong with me.

I can empathize here.  It's very incongruous to be insulted and put down and then expected to pretend everything is great and react as such.  And for me it can make you feel like an adult size, appropriately shaped toy would suffice in your place.  An emotion is a very important part of intimacy, so when they are skewed, things don't always 'work' like they would on a happier day.  All I can really say is that it's best to avoid being close until YOU feel good about it.  He may not like or understand it, but it takes two to... tango... and tangoing is best when both people are happy and having fun.

For some reason, though, the abuse that I took BEFORE is what's coming back to haunt me now.  Maybe it's my own little extinction burst?

I think this might make more sense if you were doing some reading on the Coping with Relatives board.  I have dissociated myself form abusive treatment for so long that I no longer attach much feeling to the fairly accurate and factual memories.  I can remember being beaten by my dad.  I have to work hard to remember how scary it was... until I started writing on here.  I had a sort of break through a few weeks back where two seemingly unimportant incidents came back to me, full force, unbidden, making me need to cry terribly, and after talking on here about them it was pointed out that was I was remembering, feeling and grieving over were repressed feelings of neglect.  I'd stuffed them in a closet and they felt I was now healthy enough to process them, now. 

So you may be feeling what you put off feeling, what you disassociated from because it hurt far too much at the time and you were not strong enough or mentally prepared enough to face, until you started working on your side of the street (sorry of that metaphor sounds wrong). 

[dah1029]

I think you should tell him that you need for him to stop saying rotten things to you.  That it's really bothering you and affecting your interest in sexual relations.  Or would that sound rejecting to him?  I'm not sure if I'm saying it correctly.  But somehow you need to tell him that the rotten words are affecting you adversely and it's important to you that it stops.  We may have chosen to stay for now and try to work with our BPD's, But we can't agree to be beaten down.  That defeats the purpose of staying.  We're staying and agreeing to work on improving things.  That doesn't mean we agree to be their punching bags. 

[goinbonkers]

For some strange reason BPDs tend to think that saying rotten things is truly acceptable behavior.  Sad indeed.

I think you should tell him that you need for him to stop saying rotten things to you.  That it's really bothering you and affecting your interest in sexual relations.  Or would that sound rejecting to him?  I'm not sure if I'm saying it correctly.  But somehow you need to tell him that the rotten words are affecting you adversely and it's important to you that it stops.  We may have chosen to stay for now and try to work with our BPD's, But we can't agree to be beaten down.  That defeats the purpose of staying.  We're staying and agreeing to work on improving things.  That doesn't mean we agree to be their punching bags.