Benefits of being her Ex husband.

[Think About It...]

Wow. This is fun. My uBPDw is on the phone where's she's been for over an hour talking to her exH, whom she left some 15 years ago when he had an affair and got a woman pregnant while she was pregnant with their son.  It's been quite a while - I think anyway - a year perhaps -  since she had one of these conversations. I  knew something was up - she had been talking to her friend/co-worker about work issues earlier by phone but the tone changed from critical to compassionate as I listened from the bedroom.

I only wish I could get 5 minutes of the intimate chatter from her that will probably go for an hour yet - unless I interrupt it. Her exH is a full on alcoholic that lives with his drug addicted sister in their parents home. When I walked in a few moments ago, I heard my W say to him "I want you to be the man you used to be" in the voice that I USED to get during the first months of our 5 year marriage.

Interestingly, while bothered, it isn't turning me inside out like it used to.  I won't be commenting about it to her.  I have no concern whatsoever she is rekindling anything; she probably called him due to her overwhelming frustration with her s17. S17 won't have anything to do with his Dad - something I have tried to suggest to s17 isn't right. But the "hard luck" case and the estrangement between Dad and s17 has all her compassionate juices at full volume.  

I have read that BPDs never fall out of love with their former partners (my W had 3 - 5 year plus relationships other than with me) - the evidence with my W clearly points to that. I wanna be an ex!  ?

Has anyone out there experienced anything similar and how have you dealt with it?  

[tuum est61]

Wow. This is fun. My uBPDw is on the phone where's she's been for over an hour talking to her exH, whom she left some 15 years ago when he had an affair and got a woman pregnant while she was pregnant with their son.  It's been quite a while - I think anyway - a year perhaps -  since she had one of these conversations. I  knew something was up - she had been talking to her friend/co-worker about work issues earlier by phone but the tone changed from critical to compassionate as I listened from the bedroom.

I only wish I could get 5 minutes of the intimate chatter from her that will probably go for an hour yet - unless I interrupt it. Her exH is a full on alcoholic that lives with his drug addicted sister in their parents home. When I walked in a few moments ago, I heard my W say to him "I want you to be the man you used to be" in the voice that I USED to get during the first months of our 5 year marriage.

Interestingly, while bothered, it isn't turning me inside out like it used to.  I won't be commenting about it to her.  I have no concern whatsoever she is rekindling anything; she probably called him due to her overwhelming frustration with her s17. S17 won't have anything to do with his Dad - something I have tried to suggest to s17 isn't right. But the "hard luck" case and the estrangement between Dad and s17 has all her compassionate juices at full volume.  

I have read that BPDs never fall out of love with their former partners (my W had 3 - 5 year plus relationships other than with me) - the evidence with my W clearly points to that. I wanna be an ex!  ?

Has anyone out there experienced anything similar and how have you dealt with it?  

[Dawning]

I'm from the leaving board but had to reply for I think you hit the nail right on the head.I was never aware of this while still in the relationship but when out I contacted his ex before me to see if it was not me and if she had the same experiences with him. Among other things she told me that she had found a list with 20 something women names on it.She asked him what that was and he replied it were the names of his exes and that he loved them all. made her feel very special she said. I talked once with his present partner and she said that he told her he missed me.I really don't know their concept of 'love'.
Seems to me also a fantastic means of triangulating.

[Auspicious]

I only wish I could get 5 minutes of the intimate chatter from her that will probably go for an hour yet - unless I interrupt it.

I used to get jealous of the tone and happy character of my wife's phone talk with others. Once I even mentioned it to her, and got something like "well they're fun to talk to" (ouch). Couldn't help thinking "well I'd be a lot more fun to talk to if you talked to me like that."

After awhile I realized it wasn't what it seemed to be, though. If she was actually close to someone, BPD conflicts were inevitable. It was only with people who "didn't matter" that she could be so light and easy sounding. And who knows how much of it was a show - for me ("see, I get along with other people"), or even for herself. 

(I will say that her behavior on that score has improved since she's had some therapy.)

[tuum est61]

I only wish I could get 5 minutes of the intimate chatter from her that will probably go for an hour yet - unless I interrupt it.

I used to get jealous of the tone and happy character of my wife's phone talk with others. Once I even mentioned it to her, and got something like "well they're fun to talk to" (ouch). Couldn't help thinking "well I'd be a lot more fun to talk to if you talked to me like that."

After awhile I realized it wasn't what it seemed to be, though. If she was actually close to someone, BPD conflicts were inevitable. It was only with people who "didn't matter" that she could be so light and easy sounding. And who knows how much of it was a show - for me ("see, I get along with other people"), or even for herself.  

(I will say that her behavior on that score has improved since she's had some therapy.)

Thanks Aus.  Yet one more frustrating behaviour that we get to rationalIze.     I highlighted the comforting part of your analysis.

As usual, you've done well with your explanation. Thanks again.

[goinbonkers]

hmm they never fall out of love with any of their ex's?  i dunno know about that because my BPDw never has anything nice ever to say about any of her ex's.  I literally mean never.  Yeah I know, should have taken that as a  .