Reconsidering the divorce

[Think About It...]

I am currently awaiting my divorce hearing on 3/7/12, and I am having second thoughts.  The post PDQuick wrote about concerning the dysfunctional dance really had me thinking.  

I am currently in therapy.  EMDR.  It sounds promising.  My stbx and I have been no contact for several months now, and I am contemplating sending her a note stating that I am reconsidering this dissolution, and that I am in therapy tring to work on me.  

I know I can't force her to change or even love it away.  I really do love her, and want to radically accept it all.  I guess what I am trying to ask is in your experience, do you think if you had accepted your SO, do you think the r/s would have worked?

[Tazmo7521]

I am currently awaiting my divorce hearing on 3/7/12, and I am having second thoughts.  The post PDQuick wrote about concerning the dysfunctional dance really had me thinking.  

I am currently in therapy.  EMDR.  It sounds promising.  My stbx and I have been no contact for several months now, and I am contemplating sending her a note stating that I am reconsidering this dissolution, and that I am in therapy tring to work on me.  

I know I can't force her to change or even love it away.  I really do love her, and want to radically accept it all.  I guess what I am trying to ask is in your experience, do you think if you had accepted your SO, do you think the r/s would have worked?

[PDQuick]

Personally, if I had accepted my ex, in the beginning, for what she was, and not what I wanted her to be, I doubt very seriously that I would have even asked her out.

The night of our first meeting went like this:

I was singing in a band, in a local country honky tonk. She came in, and I noticed her at the door. She noticed me, and grabbed a chair, and sat right in front of me, just in front of the stage, and watched me through the entire set. I was flattered beyond belief. Here was this beautiful woman, (I was 23, and she was 28) staring at me, watching my every move.

We had a process that included a sign up sheet for dances during the break. Women would sign up for a dance with me, or whoever, and then, we would honor it. Sadly, she wasn't on the list. So, when we broke, I danced with the first lady on the list. That kind of annoyed her. Then, I went to dance with the second one on the list, and she got mad, and tried to take her place. I explained to her what the process was. Then, out of retaliation, she took my hat. She then proceeded to a bar stool, and sat on it. My hat was ruined.

I got mad at her, and yelled at her, and she yelled back.

Towards the end of the night, I was still mad, and where was she? Sitting right in front of me again.

Looking back, I was really flattered. I felt wanted, and I felt it. I felt an extreme anger. I felt something. And I felt alive.

I had come through a very rough time in my life during the 6 years before that. I wont go into it here, but I was angry, numb, mad at the world, and had been that was so long, that it had become comfortable. Feeling emotions were not part of my daily life. I felt kinda dead.

Now, I was feeling something again. I felt like I mattered to someone. I was adored, and she had me feeling things that I hadn't felt.

Later that night, we made out like 2 teenagers, and I felt happy. She allowed me to feel emotions again.


The short of the story is, that I traded myself, to feel again. I wanted to be loved, and I finally felt it. It took an over the top action to induce a reaction in my hardened soul. That is the way it was for me. Over the years, I traded what I knew wasn't right for feelings of something again, whether it was love, or anger, or confusion, or pain.

It was my own emotional shortcomings, immaturity, and problems that led me into the relationship. Now that I have my head on straight, and I have fought my demons, I wouldn't have touched her with a 10 foot pole. I see it now for what it was.

I love her the most because of what she taught me about me. I am not regretful of the relationship, but rather thankful for her being there, to open my eyes.

Does that help answer your question?

[Tazmo7521]

Thanks for answering my questions.  It was honest and real.

I felt alive as well when I fell for my SO.  I think that is what I will miss most.  In the beginning of the r/s, I felt safe and comfortable.  After the wedding, I felt like an indentured servant. 

Like you, I need more out of a relationship than I am currently receiving.  Even in the good moments, it was mediocre at best (Emotionally and Physically). 

Thanks once again.

[PDQuick]

I'm glad I could help, and I'm glad you're here. Keep learning. 

[goinbonkers]

Wow what a story.  Thank you so much for sharing.

Personally, if I had accepted my ex, in the beginning, for what she was, and not what I wanted her to be, I doubt very seriously that I would have even asked her out.

The night of our first meeting went like this:

I was singing in a band, in a local country honky tonk. She came in, and I noticed her at the door. She noticed me, and grabbed a chair, and sat right in front of me, just in front of the stage, and watched me through the entire set. I was flattered beyond belief. Here was this beautiful woman, (I was 23, and she was 28) staring at me, watching my every move.

We had a process that included a sign up sheet for dances during the break. Women would sign up for a dance with me, or whoever, and then, we would honor it. Sadly, she wasn't on the list. So, when we broke, I danced with the first lady on the list. That kind of annoyed her. Then, I went to dance with the second one on the list, and she got mad, and tried to take her place. I explained to her what the process was. Then, out of retaliation, she took my hat. She then proceeded to a bar stool, and sat on it. My hat was ruined.

I got mad at her, and yelled at her, and she yelled back.

Towards the end of the night, I was still mad, and where was she? Sitting right in front of me again.

Looking back, I was really flattered. I felt wanted, and I felt it. I felt an extreme anger. I felt something. And I felt alive.

I had come through a very rough time in my life during the 6 years before that. I wont go into it here, but I was angry, numb, mad at the world, and had been that was so long, that it had become comfortable. Feeling emotions were not part of my daily life. I felt kinda dead.

Now, I was feeling something again. I felt like I mattered to someone. I was adored, and she had me feeling things that I hadn't felt.

Later that night, we made out like 2 teenagers, and I felt happy. She allowed me to feel emotions again.


The short of the story is, that I traded myself, to feel again. I wanted to be loved, and I finally felt it. It took an over the top action to induce a reaction in my hardened soul. That is the way it was for me. Over the years, I traded what I knew wasn't right for feelings of something again, whether it was love, or anger, or confusion, or pain.

It was my own emotional shortcomings, immaturity, and problems that led me into the relationship. Now that I have my head on straight, and I have fought my demons, I wouldn't have touched her with a 10 foot pole. I see it now for what it was.

I love her the most because of what she taught me about me. I am not regretful of the relationship, but rather thankful for her being there, to open my eyes.

Does that help answer your question?

[yeeter]

Well Tazmo - first off, hello!   Hi!

I am married for 10 years now.

Last June I had divorce papers served.  Lawyers, financial disclosures, etc.  I had had enough and was done with it all.  I really didnt want divorce, but felt I had been completely destroyed as a person by the relationship, that my wife wasnt interested in changing 'her' behavior, that I couldnt live this way anymore and my only recourse was to divorce.

Its was (an is to some degree still), a terrible situation - so I feel for you.  I have three young children.  Going through the legal prep it was clear that my wife was going to be one of those crazy ex's to deal with (she only said two things to me during the whole time - "I will hate you for the rest of my life".  And "I will take the kids and move to my mothers (out of state)".  

As strange as it sounds - this fear of what it would be like with her as an ex - coparenting our children and the effect this would have on their lives - was what triggered me to dig deeper and reset the entire thing.  (just days before the court hearing, after living together in the process for 5 months).  Lots of stress and strain to be sure.

So one day (actually it took about a week), I just reset my entire mental attitude.  I left my T of two years, and solicited another T to consult on how to make therapy effective (both for my marriage, as well as for myself).  One of the pieces of advice was this site (YAY!).  And some specifics on MC background/experience, etc.

So its been on 3.5 months now and I will say I am a different person.  Not healed.  Not completely healthy.  But a very different attitude about what I need in life, what I will put up with for boundaries, just how much I will allow myself to get sucked into.

Its helped me regain some of my sense of person.  The person that I genuinely liked (turns out I am a pretty great guy... but this had all been lost in the relationship).

Im focusing on myself.  The marriage has improved.  She still does a lot of the same things as always - but it doesnt bother me nearly as much as before.  At the same time - its a lonely life I am setting up for.  I do sometimes think I will regret it when I am 85.  Other times I think - just 15 more years and my youngest will be out of the house and we can divorce then.  I never think about looking forward to having more time to spend with my wife after the kids are raised.

But maybe these feelings will change if we can begin building some positive interaction and history together.  Yet to be determined.

But Im in it.  Sucking it up and putting all the capacities I can towards making it 'acceptable'.  I have to say its nothing like I imagined my primary relationship to be.

To answer your question more bluntly:

If I had it to do over - I would not have married her.

If I had it to do over - I would not have had kids with her.

If we did not have kids - we would be divorced.

Heck, if I felt she would be even half way sane as an ex - we would be divorced.

Its a LOT of work.  All consuming at times and energy could be spent on much more productive things in life.  But I put the energy and work into it for my children.  #1 priority.  This means some pretty significant sacrifice in my own life - but I rationalize this by telling myself if it helps my children its really not a sacrifice.  

If you have everything moving - and dont have a COMPELLING reason/feelings to switch back and reconcile (like children) - I would just let the divorce process complete.  You can always reconcile post divorce (I have a friend that married the same guy three times!).  The way to let this happen is to just go live your life and become really busy with lots of other stuff (including a heavy dose of friends and family - and tell them straight up not to let you talk yourself out of it).  Think of it this way:  To a large degree you will be starting over.  If with your wife - then its digging out of a hole to start with.  If its someone else - at least its a level starting point (and there is a chance that its someone relatively healthy emotionally!)

Ironic huh - because I am advising just the opposite of what I just recently did...

[Tazmo7521]

Thanks Yeeter.  We have no kids from this marriage.  I have been mulling over both sides of the equation.  I do need to be loved.  I can take her criticisms, lousy physical intimacy, but I do need emotional intimacy.  She gave it in spurts and starts, but not consistently.  I think I am just holding on to the idealization stage (the good times).  Below is a copy of my note I was going to send based on some changes recommended by my T:

Dear ,
 
I have thought a lot about us lately.  I am currently going to counseling with a new counselor, and I am learning what my issues are, how they may be affecting our marriage, and I am starting to work on changing them. I know we have been through this before, and I can't say this will change things, but with the chance that it may, and because I love you very much, I am considering postponing the dissolution until I can figure this (me?) out. 


 
Sincerely, and with love,
 

[goinbonkers]

You letter looks great.

I am not sure what state you are in, but in my state, both parties have to agree to put things on hold.