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Think About It... A person with Borderline Personality Disorder often presents with a characteristic relationship pattern over time. This pattern usually evolves through three stages: The Vulnerable Seducer, The Clinger, and The Hater. This evolution may take months, and sometimes even years to cycle through. In the later periods, the personality often swings back and forth from one phase to the next. ~ Roger Melton, M.A..
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Author Topic: Angry tonight...  (Read 1579 times)
Cardinals in Flight
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« Reply #20 on: March 02, 2012, 05:11:36 PM »

34broken wrote:

Realized.. this next part has nothing to do with the topic... but I have been struggling ...with denial , bargaining and anger because of my  break up xGF. I feel like the 4 year old child though. I am a person that can't let go... i don't know how... I try so hard... but I am refusing to accept her leaving me. It happened sooo fast.  And yet there is a certain sober moment.. very fleeting that sees it for what it is.

I wish I could bottle that up and drink it... the clarity. God , depression sucks.


I so get this!  and OMG, I loved the foot fungus analogy  shocked
It's both sad and comforting to read the tales of everyone who is going down the path BPD, in every word there is a 'pearl' of wisdom that reaches those of us who need them.
Thanks ya'll
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stonehead
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I still can't understand


« Reply #21 on: March 02, 2012, 05:53:49 PM »


Why does she hate [you] so much now?  Hmmm... how do I approach this question?

A non disordered mind (and a more mature mind) could come to accept that two individuals in a relationship can get to a point where it is clear the incompatibilities make the relationship no longer one that would work for either parties.  But for a disordered one, where one can only be either "perfect" or "absolutely flawed" (with no in between state), because the problem could not be her's (or else she would be absolutely flawed) it *has to be* your problem.  And so you *must* be the reason why the relationship ended.  And in a sense you become the lightning rod for all the emotions she has deep down that are unresolved; you are the abuser, or you are the betrayer, or you are the abandoner. 

schwing,

I totally agree with your excellent analysis here.  In my case  she really wanted a very close relationship with me and in the beginnng she did enjoyed very much. She wanted me to help her deal with her son's problems with his special education programs. I busted my ass to help her. But as we get closer and closer, she suddenly told me (by email, no more face to face talk) that I was making her depressed and anxious by doing so much for her and that I was not sensitive to her feelings and she wanted me to stop doing anything for her. When I told her that I will honor her request because I didn't want to make her depressed, she exploded and accused me of abandoning her just when she needed me most. I tried to explain to her that I was not abandoning her, but she wouldn't listen and cut me out of her life, just like that. (I am not going to repeat here, all those abusive language she used in those emails)

I think she was either having the fear of abandonment (she afraid thta I was going to abandon her, so she acted first), or she was feeling the fear of engulfment as our relationship got closer and closer, and she had to save herself from losing her identity (how crazy it is, she does not have one to begin with). In either case, in her twisted mind, I was the bad guy and I abandoned her.

I disagree with you in that I don't believe they feel any pain when they dump you. They don't have a soul of their own. How can they feel anything. Even many of the lowly animals have more love and feeling than these dark creatures of the night. I want to compare these pwBPD to zombies. They are truly the living deads. Have you ever really looked into the eyes of these people. I have looked into the eyes of my pwBPD. Her eyes have a hollow and glassy look. There was nothing inside them. It is a huge dark hole inside her! She has no soul and she is not human! And she is really the devil dressed in a beautiful clothes. But, what a beautiful devil she is! I won't mind being burnt by eternal hell fire, just to be with her. The scar she left in my heart will never heal.
« Last Edit: March 02, 2012, 06:39:46 PM by stonehead » Logged
dah1029
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« Reply #22 on: March 02, 2012, 07:39:03 PM »

Jacksondog--  Someone wrote once (not sure if it was here or an article I read), that they paint us so black and blast us to everyone, that even if they realize they're in the wrong or overreacted, they can't apologize and get back together.  It would be too embarrassing to them.  If we're so awful, why would they go back with us? 

Mine dumped me because I confronted him about some of his behaviors, health issues, his untreated depression, my concern that he had diabetes (didn't know he was hiding a  drinking problem), his tremendous weight gain in 9 months-- like 50 lbs.  Again all probably because of the drinking but I had genuine concerns about his health-- he's 51.  I just wanted him to see the doc, have  a physical, get some blood tests, an EKG, and get on an exercise routine.  I got dumped instead.  I was shocked.  I wasn't blaming or demeaning about any of these concerns--  I'm a nurse and presented it as I would to a patient.  I just wanted him to be proactive with his health for the sake of a healthy future together. 

It's easier to say rotten things about us, then to have to explain how they could let someone so great get away.  Because you know what?  I am great.  I'm a great person, nurse, well educated, hard worker, make a good income, ex-Army officer, great mother, and loved my ex. He's a fool and I think he knows it.   
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"Scars remind us of where we've been.  They don't have to define our future".
"All truths aren't easy to understand once they are discovered.  The point is to discover them".
diotima
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« Reply #23 on: March 03, 2012, 12:05:10 AM »

Quote
The scar she left in my heart will never heal.
I know it is difficult to believe this right now, but you will heal. It will take some time but it will happen. As you gradually, and painfully, direct your attention elsewhere you will heal. It will not be all at once and it will be a step forward and a step backward and one day you will find that the pain has receded and you will wonder about the enthrallment.
Diotima
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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?
This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving
All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)
stonehead
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I still can't understand


« Reply #24 on: March 03, 2012, 12:45:16 AM »

Quote
The scar she left in my heart will never heal.
I know it is difficult to believe this right now, but you will heal. It will take some time but it will happen. As you gradually, and painfully, direct your attention elsewhere you will heal. It will not be all at once and it will be a step forward and a step backward and one day you will find that the pain has receded and you will wonder about the enthrallment.
Diotima

Hi Diotima.

It's 6 months out, and I am still feeling the intense pain. I am vacillating between pain, anger and acceptance. Right now, I still cannot see the light at the end of this miserable tunnel. But I do believe in what you said, that the pain will recede in time and that I would wonder what this enthrallment was all about.  Thank YOU, Diotima, for your encouragement.

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jalk
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« Reply #25 on: March 03, 2012, 09:08:53 AM »

Read about the "Smear Campaign"...in the book "Walking On Eggshells."  This is not uncommon with BPDer's.  Remember this...you can only control you. You cam control her. Anyone worth your time will see through her and not believe her. If they do believe her, they are not worth your time. Try best not to smear her as that would be stooping to her level. I find that when people complain, in general, if constantly complaining that others stop listening to them and sometimes start moving away from their complaining negativity. I can almost bet anyone who thinks they know her have heard her complain before about previous partners in the same fashion. I guess I would be thinking "what the hell is wrong with you" if I heard her smearing another. This is her defense mechanism to justify the things she did to you were for all the right reasons.  Otherwise she would be a mess if she kept in the reality of her inappropriate behaviors. It's ok to be mad at her...do not feel ashamed of that. Be mad. I'm still angry with my exubp and it's going on 3 years.  I don't give a damn. She lied, cheated and betrayed me. She is not deserving of my forgiveness. I am doing well now. I have my life back. I just wish her all the karma she deserves for the many lives she trampled on.  Go to hell you biatacha! Devilish
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Live each day like it is your last day to live BUT be sure it is your life you're living.
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« Reply #26 on: March 03, 2012, 10:29:23 AM »

Dah1029 Them feel embarrassed? I don't know about that. They do embarrassing things through out most of the relationship . Alls they care about is there needs and they will do what ever it takes to get what they want, and need, to fill there voids.They can paint you black ,back to white, back to black in a heart beat. Who knows whats going on in there heads when they do that.Like I said I went NC. 2 months later she tries to make contact to hurt me.
I'm still in the black. But when I text ed her to make sure she got the items I dropped off on her porch , she text ed back Yes Thank you. I was like wow, a thank you. Now to me that is scarier because If she tries to make contact with me it might be to paint me white I gave her things back and she might see me as a good guy. I don't know. But if  she keeps me in the black she probably wont contact me which is what I want so I can recover without her setting me back with my process. The last time It made me very nervous almost like frighten of her when she contacted me.. Heres  this lady who I cared for, loved ,and would do almost anything for her, contacts me to be mean. I cant tell you how that made me want to puke. I didnt do anything to her. she caused the whole break up, as they all do. And for her to want to maliciously hurt me is very painful.
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Icecreamgenius
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« Reply #27 on: March 03, 2012, 12:35:30 PM »

Well at the very least I'm pleased to have sparked such a debate! Thanks so much for all of your input. Its very reassuring to know that other people have experience of this appalling behaviour, and are able to make sense of it. I'm not really any less angry, because hatred of ANY kind of injustice is part of my character. In fact, BPD almost seems to have been designed specifically to get under my skin and dismantle me. My ex really was the perfect storm.

Thanks so much for your views. What a great team smiley

ICG.
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dah1029
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« Reply #28 on: March 03, 2012, 12:52:23 PM »

It's interesting how their phone calls in the past would make us happy and excited to pick up.  And now, the caller ID makes me hesitate and yes feel nauseated.  Mine doesn't usually call me so it's more if I see an email from him, my heart stops briefly. 

I think what's hardest for all of us is to get beat up and rejected by someone because we loved them.  If we abused them, then yes we would deserve this behavior.  How do you punish someone for loving you?  Having someone accept and love you, to me is a blessing and a great gift.  How does someone just toss such a great gift in the gutter.  I said to my ex that myself and my kids were his biggest fans.  How can he turn his back on us?  We all gave to them what we ourselves would love to have given to us. 
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"Scars remind us of where we've been.  They don't have to define our future".
"All truths aren't easy to understand once they are discovered.  The point is to discover them".
Clearmind
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« Reply #29 on: March 03, 2012, 03:23:21 PM »

Actually, thats quite the understatement! I'm livid.

Schwing’s points are certainly on the money. How are you feeling now ICG?

Experiencing anger for me was scary because I had never felt so overwhelmed. And for me was a part of the detaching process.

Respecting our anger
What are the ten anger styles?

I should probably be ashamed of myself.

Is it possible you are more angry at yourself than you are at her?

In fact, BPD almost seems to have been designed specifically to get under my skin and dismantle me. My ex really was the perfect storm. 

Little do we know in the beginning ~ we chose this relationship as well ~ we were not sitting on our hands we were actively participating.  Anger is natural and once we process it we start to see the role we played and really begin to heal.

You will know yourself better than you did before and that is a great thing.
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