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Think About It... Resentment is a mental process in which we repeatedly replay a feeling, and the events leading up to that feeling that angers us. With resentment, we re-experience and relive events in ways that affect us mentally, emotionally, physiologically and spiritually in destructive ways. ~ Mark Siche (author of Healing from Family Rifts),
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Author Topic: Angry tonight...  (Read 1510 times)
Cardinals in Flight
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« Reply #20 on: March 02, 2012, 05:11:36 PM »

34broken wrote:

Realized.. this next part has nothing to do with the topic... but I have been struggling ...with denial , bargaining and anger because of my  break up xGF. I feel like the 4 year old child though. I am a person that can't let go... i don't know how... I try so hard... but I am refusing to accept her leaving me. It happened sooo fast.  And yet there is a certain sober moment.. very fleeting that sees it for what it is.

I wish I could bottle that up and drink it... the clarity. God , depression sucks.


I so get this!  and OMG, I loved the foot fungus analogy  shocked
It's both sad and comforting to read the tales of everyone who is going down the path BPD, in every word there is a 'pearl' of wisdom that reaches those of us who need them.
Thanks ya'll
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stonehead
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I still can't understand


« Reply #21 on: March 02, 2012, 05:53:49 PM »


Why does she hate [you] so much now?  Hmmm... how do I approach this question?

A non disordered mind (and a more mature mind) could come to accept that two individuals in a relationship can get to a point where it is clear the incompatibilities make the relationship no longer one that would work for either parties.  But for a disordered one, where one can only be either "perfect" or "absolutely flawed" (with no in between state), because the problem could not be her's (or else she would be absolutely flawed) it *has to be* your problem.  And so you *must* be the reason why the relationship ended.  And in a sense you become the lightning rod for all the emotions she has deep down that are unresolved; you are the abuser, or you are the betrayer, or you are the abandoner. 

schwing,

I totally agree with your excellent analysis here.  In my case  she really wanted a very close relationship with me and in the beginnng she did enjoyed very much. She wanted me to help her deal with her son's problems with his special education programs. I busted my ass to help her. But as we get closer and closer, she suddenly told me (by email, no more face to face talk) that I was making her depressed and anxious by doing so much for her and that I was not sensitive to her feelings and she wanted me to stop doing anything for her. When I told her that I will honor her request because I didn't want to make her depressed, she exploded and accused me of abandoning her just when she needed me most. I tried to explain to her that I was not abandoning her, but she wouldn't listen and cut me out of her life, just like that. (I am not going to repeat here, all those abusive language she used in those emails)

I think she was either having the fear of abandonment (she afraid thta I was going to abandon her, so she acted first), or she was feeling the fear of engulfment as our relationship got closer and closer, and she had to save herself from losing her identity (how crazy it is, she does not have one to begin with). In either case, in her twisted mind, I was the bad guy and I abandoned her.

I disagree with you in that I don't believe they feel any pain when they dump you. They don't have a soul of their own. How can they feel anything. Even many of the lowly animals have more love and feeling than these dark creatures of the night. I want to compare these pwBPD to zombies. They are truly the living deads. Have you ever really looked into the eyes of these people. I have looked into the eyes of my pwBPD. Her eyes have a hollow and glassy look. There was nothing inside them. It is a huge dark hole inside her! She has no soul and she is not human! And she is really the devil dressed in a beautiful clothes. But, what a beautiful devil she is! I won't mind being burnt by eternal hell fire, just to be with her. The scar she left in my heart will never heal.
« Last Edit: March 02, 2012, 06:39:46 PM by stonehead » Logged
dah1029
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« Reply #22 on: March 02, 2012, 07:39:03 PM »

Jacksondog--  Someone wrote once (not sure if it was here or an article I read), that they paint us so black and blast us to everyone, that even if they realize they're in the wrong or overreacted, they can't apologize and get back together.  It would be too embarrassing to them.  If we're so awful, why would they go back with us? 

Mine dumped me because I confronted him about some of his behaviors, health issues, his untreated depression, my concern that he had diabetes (didn't know he was hiding a  drinking problem), his tremendous weight gain in 9 months-- like 50 lbs.  Again all probably because of the drinking but I had genuine concerns about his health-- he's 51.  I just wanted him to see the doc, have  a physical, get some blood tests, an EKG, and get on an exercise routine.  I got dumped instead.  I was shocked.  I wasn't blaming or demeaning about any of these concerns--  I'm a nurse and presented it as I would to a patient.  I just wanted him to be proactive with his health for the sake of a healthy future together. 

It's easier to say rotten things about us, then to have to explain how they could let someone so great get away.  Because you know what?  I am great.  I'm a great person, nurse, well educated, hard worker, make a good income, ex-Army officer, great mother, and loved my ex. He's a fool and I think he knows it.   
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"Scars remind us of where we've been.  They don't have to define our future".
"All truths aren't easy to understand once they are discovered.  The point is to discover them".
diotima
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« Reply #23 on: March 03, 2012, 12:05:10 AM »

Quote
The scar she left in my heart will never heal.
I know it is difficult to believe this right now, but you will heal. It will take some time but it will happen. As you gradually, and painfully, direct your attention elsewhere you will heal. It will not be all at once and it will be a step forward and a step backward and one day you will find that the pain has receded and you will wonder about the enthrallment.
Diotima
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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?
This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving
All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)
stonehead
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I still can't understand


« Reply #24 on: March 03, 2012, 12:45:16 AM »

Quote
The scar she left in my heart will never heal.
I know it is difficult to believe this right now, but you will heal. It will take some time but it will happen. As you gradually, and painfully, direct your attention elsewhere you will heal. It will not be all at once and it will be a step forward and a step backward and one day you will find that the pain has receded and you will wonder about the enthrallment.
Diotima

Hi Diotima.

It's 6 months out, and I am still feeling the intense pain. I am vacillating between pain, anger and acceptance. Right now, I still cannot see the light at the end of this miserable tunnel. But I do believe in what you said, that the pain will recede in time and that I would wonder what this enthrallment was all about.  Thank YOU, Diotima, for your encouragement.

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jalk
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« Reply #25 on: March 03, 2012, 09:08:53 AM »

Read about the "Smear Campaign"...in the book "Walking On Eggshells."  This is not uncommon with BPDer's.  Remember this...you can only control you. You cam control her. Anyone worth your time will see through her and not believe her. If they do believe her, they are not worth your time. Try best not to smear her as that would be stooping to her level. I find that when people complain, in general, if constantly complaining that others stop listening to them and sometimes start moving away from their complaining negativity. I can almost bet anyone who thinks they know her have heard her complain before about previous partners in the same fashion. I guess I would be thinking "what the hell is wrong with you" if I heard her smearing another. This is her defense mechanism to justify the things she did to you were for all the right reasons.  Otherwise she would be a mess if she kept in the reality of her inappropriate behaviors. It's ok to be mad at her...do not feel ashamed of that. Be mad. I'm still angry with my exubp and it's going on 3 years.  I don't give a damn. She lied, cheated and betrayed me. She is not deserving of my forgiveness. I am doing well now. I have my life back. I just wish her all the karma she deserves for the many lives she trampled on.  Go to hell you biatacha! Devilish
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Live each day like it is your last day to live BUT be sure it is your life you're living.
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« Reply #26 on: March 03, 2012, 10:29:23 AM »

Dah1029 Them feel embarrassed? I don't know about that. They do embarrassing things through out most of the relationship . Alls they care about is there needs and they will do what ever it takes to get what they want, and need, to fill there voids.They can paint you black ,back to white, back to black in a heart beat. Who knows whats going on in there heads when they do that.Like I said I went NC. 2 months later she tries to make contact to hurt me.
I'm still in the black. But when I text ed her to make sure she got the items I dropped off on her porch , she text ed back Yes Thank you. I was like wow, a thank you. Now to me that is scarier because If she tries to make contact with me it might be to paint me white I gave her things back and she might see me as a good guy. I don't know. But if  she keeps me in the black she probably wont contact me which is what I want so I can recover without her setting me back with my process. The last time It made me very nervous almost like frighten of her when she contacted me.. Heres  this lady who I cared for, loved ,and would do almost anything for her, contacts me to be mean. I cant tell you how that made me want to puke. I didnt do anything to her. she caused the whole break up, as they all do. And for her to want to maliciously hurt me is very painful.
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Icecreamgenius
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« Reply #27 on: March 03, 2012, 12:35:30 PM »

Well at the very least I'm pleased to have sparked such a debate! Thanks so much for all of your input. Its very reassuring to know that other people have experience of this appalling behaviour, and are able to make sense of it. I'm not really any less angry, because hatred of ANY kind of injustice is part of my character. In fact, BPD almost seems to have been designed specifically to get under my skin and dismantle me. My ex really was the perfect storm.

Thanks so much for your views. What a great team smiley

ICG.
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dah1029
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« Reply #28 on: March 03, 2012, 12:52:23 PM »

It's interesting how their phone calls in the past would make us happy and excited to pick up.  And now, the caller ID makes me hesitate and yes feel nauseated.  Mine doesn't usually call me so it's more if I see an email from him, my heart stops briefly. 

I think what's hardest for all of us is to get beat up and rejected by someone because we loved them.  If we abused them, then yes we would deserve this behavior.  How do you punish someone for loving you?  Having someone accept and love you, to me is a blessing and a great gift.  How does someone just toss such a great gift in the gutter.  I said to my ex that myself and my kids were his biggest fans.  How can he turn his back on us?  We all gave to them what we ourselves would love to have given to us. 
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"Scars remind us of where we've been.  They don't have to define our future".
"All truths aren't easy to understand once they are discovered.  The point is to discover them".
Clearmind
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« Reply #29 on: March 03, 2012, 03:23:21 PM »

Actually, thats quite the understatement! I'm livid.

Schwing’s points are certainly on the money. How are you feeling now ICG?

Experiencing anger for me was scary because I had never felt so overwhelmed. And for me was a part of the detaching process.

Respecting our anger
What are the ten anger styles?

I should probably be ashamed of myself.

Is it possible you are more angry at yourself than you are at her?

In fact, BPD almost seems to have been designed specifically to get under my skin and dismantle me. My ex really was the perfect storm. 

Little do we know in the beginning ~ we chose this relationship as well ~ we were not sitting on our hands we were actively participating.  Anger is natural and once we process it we start to see the role we played and really begin to heal.

You will know yourself better than you did before and that is a great thing.
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Icecreamgenius
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« Reply #30 on: March 03, 2012, 04:09:20 PM »

Thanks Clearmind, your input is always very welcome.

I'm feeling okay thanks. I will review the links you kindly sent.

You said 'Is it possible you are more angry at yourself than you are at her?'

No! I'm bloody not! I'm angry at her! She has behaved disgracefully - and even after her asking me to leave her life which I did, she STILL wants to damage me. She doesn't want me to be with her, but she hates me for doing exactly what she asked - moving on. I'm angry at the disorder, I'm angry that in the face of her abuse I continued to pick myself up every day and try to make her happy. I'm angry that her family that loved me now think I'm an abuser. I'm 100% sure I'm not angry at myself. I have done F*** all wrong. I loved, supported, sorted, encouraged, spent time and money, created the most fantastic dates, and surprises for her. My reward was to be abused, dumped, and smeared. 

I'm not angry at myself! I'm fantastic!

But I am angry again tonight. 

I'll maybe be less angry if someone shows me how to copy someone's previous text into a nice tidy little blue box so I don't have to copy and paste. :D

OMG so sorry for the rant again.

I guess it's better than missing her. At least I stopped doing that.
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Clearmind
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« Reply #31 on: March 03, 2012, 04:35:37 PM »

No! I'm bloody not! I'm angry at her! She has behaved disgracefully - and even after her asking me to leave her life which I did, she STILL wants to damage me.

I hear you ICG.

Its really hurts when contact is made. I felt like I had done my best so why was he trying to punish me more.

When I arrived at that I blocked - I took back my personal power, set a very strong boundary to protect me. ICG, you may not want to hear this - she is emotionally immature and we counter attack with rationale and it really has no affect ~ she is disordered. We need to be the emotionally ones otherwise the cycle will continue.

As with anyone in my life - I cannot control someone else's actions and I cannot control their reactions and subsequent emotions. If I felt like I had to control it - I would be sent into a tail spin and hitting myself repeatedly on the head and still never be able to control it. A cycle of inner conflict goes round and round.

Permit yourself to grieve because this is a love lost. Also allow yourself to take back your personal power. She can no longer take what is rightfully yours - your life.

My reward was to be abused, dumped, and smeared.  

Borderline is a very real illness and we got caught up in it. I fell hook, line and sinker and I was also very angry. In time I have processed it - yes I blindsided, yes I was love struck, yes I tried my hardest to make it work - I also realised I was trying for both of us! I ignored the  |> because I was so caught up in the heightened emotions of it all.

I needed to dry out! Its a process ICG and you will get there. Anger is a stage of grieving. Feel it, ride it, process it. And look after you.

Us: The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss

I'll maybe be less angry if someone shows me how to copy someone's previous text into a nice tidy little blue box so I don't have to copy and paste. :D

 cheesy Now that made me laugh!  shocked Quick we better fix this then.

Without going to 'quick reply' which I am assuming is how you are posting at the moment. At the top of each post there is a quote icon. Go to the post you want to re-quote and hit the 'Quote' Icon - it will place the tidy little blue box into a reply field for you - you can then add your 'commentary' and post it.

Give it a go - if you have any further issues let us know  Doing the right thing .

Take Care
« Last Edit: March 03, 2012, 05:18:04 PM by Clearmind » Logged


jacksondog
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« Reply #32 on: March 03, 2012, 08:01:10 PM »

When my EXBPDGF dumped me and 2months of  NC she contacted me and started fighting me telling me how she had to put up with me for 2 years and other stuff before I hung up the phone. I tell you I was so nervous about it all for days.It actually frightened me. I hope she never tries to contact me again. But when it was done. I felt like Icecream did. I got very angry, she dumps me and I go and mind my own bizz and go Nc, and she makes contact trying to make me feel bad about something she did. She purposely engaged to start a fight. I couldn't believe it. I hope I remain in the black and she just fades away.
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dah1029
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« Reply #33 on: March 03, 2012, 11:53:49 PM »

ICG and Jacksondog-- the same thing happened to me.  I was dumped in August.  For 4 1/2 months I sat around depressed waiting for him "to see the light" and pull himself together. Every attempt I made to just interact with him, was met with rejection.  Every rejection broke my heart.  So around Xmas time, I decided to start dating again.  I wasn't in the mood but I hoped it would help me move on.  Well then you should have seen the scathing emails that I received  for dating.  Insinuating that I was a whore, I'll just have a new guy next week, don't bother introducing my kids it will just confuse them, etc.  Then goes on to say he doesn't care what I do.  Although the email offended me, I was more concerned about whether or not he was stable at the time.  It really frightened me.  I replied-- you don't want me.  I've waited for you to pull yourself together for 4 months.  Why does it matter if I date if you don't want me?  I don't get this whole mental illness.  Reading about it and talking about it are one thing.  But then to see it in action, experience the splitting, it's all so wild to me. 

So I still don't get why they reject us, but then get angry when we're pulling ourselves together and making strides to move on.  They didn't want us.  I'm not going to wait around forever pining over him.  And I'm not going to be the stoic, strong woman at his side silently suffering while he goes through his breakdown or whatever he's doing.
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"Scars remind us of where we've been.  They don't have to define our future".
"All truths aren't easy to understand once they are discovered.  The point is to discover them".
jacksondog
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« Reply #34 on: March 04, 2012, 02:25:29 AM »

dAH 1029 I didn't sit around waiting for some light to appear. I went NC because I got dumped . Yes later I found out there was a white knight waiting in the wings. Just the more reason I'm going NC.I didn't want any contact with her. I for some reason new this was the only way to handle this problem. It was a natural instinct I guess. I wasn't even on this site when I committed to that. But this site confirmed thats the only way to go if you want to live happily ever after is to go NC.
I have never made any attempt to contact her. I made a mistake by answering the phone when she contacted me . Il never do that again. It was to painful.  make a commitment and stick by it, and eventually things will work out. Look DAH I am in a great deal of pain, and like the rest of us it sucks big time.  I'm going through what everyone else is going through. But I chose the route I started ,and what the supporters here guided me to. there isn't a healthy  life being in a relationship with a BPD. IT sickens me that I cant. I don't even want to think that way. But the reality is you cant have a normal healthy relationship with a person with  there affliction. case close. So don't sit around and wait for some  light to appear to make everything  OK. And don't attempt to call him. because he will let you down.  Be good to yourself you deserve it and Go NC and find somebody who loves you with out BPDism. Love ME
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dah1029
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« Reply #35 on: March 04, 2012, 11:08:35 AM »

Thanks Jacksondog.  I agree.  It's now becoming spring in NY.  The weather is warming.  I'll get busy outside with gardens and lawn work.  The work and the sun will be great.  I live on a lake.  I'm currently dating someone, but to be honest, I'm not in the mood.  Which makes me feel guilty that sometimes I want to get together, and other times I could blow him off for a week.  I'm so ambivalent nowadays.  Some of it I believe is that although he's a nice person, I don't really think I'm that into him.  I've been trying to figure out if it's my mental state, or that I'm just not that into him.  I hate this ambivalence.  I usually have so much direction in my life.  I know it will pass but it's a drag right now.
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"Scars remind us of where we've been.  They don't have to define our future".
"All truths aren't easy to understand once they are discovered.  The point is to discover them".
Icecreamgenius
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« Reply #36 on: March 05, 2012, 06:39:20 AM »

Dah - I recently went on a date and kind of feel like you do. Ambivalent. However, out of respect for the person I dated, I explained the situation with my ex and requested that things progress very VERY slowly. I am determined not to hurt anyone as I was hurt. Taking things at a very slow pace will prevent me from hurting or being hurt hopefully.

I do however, consider it an indication of how far I have come, even if my ex decides she wants to try and push my buttons every once in a while. I read some of my original posts last night, which I made last September when I found this Board. I honestly didn't think I was going to survive back then. Now I know this is a certainty and I can honestly say I will never return to my ex under ANY circumstances. Although I am obviously still livid at her behaviour, I can even accept now that she may not have behaved in such a way deliberately. I would like to think at some point she will be accountable for at least some of her treatment of me. I won't hold my breath though.

It's sunny here today too smiley

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dah1029
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« Reply #37 on: March 05, 2012, 07:15:48 AM »

I told the guy I'm dating that I wanted to keep it light.  Of course after 10+ dates, he's asking me "what's going on here"?  I don't have an answer.  I just said let's keep it light.  Whatever that means.  I just can't handle being pressured for more right now.
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"Scars remind us of where we've been.  They don't have to define our future".
"All truths aren't easy to understand once they are discovered.  The point is to discover them".
hithere
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« Reply #38 on: March 05, 2012, 12:46:48 PM »

Quote
But I chose the route I started ,and what the supporters here guided me to. there isn't a healthy  life being in a relationship with a BPD. IT sickens me that I cant. I don't even want to think that way. But the reality is you cant have a normal healthy relationship with a person with  there affliction. case close.

You are so right...I just wish I had the strength to go 100% NC, I left a couple of months ago but we still talk/see each other here and there.  I still dream of things working out but I know they can't, it is just so hard to cut the last thread of hope.
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