One year + 4 months past the B/U... Breaking free... seeing the light

[Think About It...]

I guess you have to learn some things by experience...but I've finally come to accept that my exfiance is 95% likely borderline and definitely unhealthy. I was in LC for a time and offered to be cordial and wanted to see her baby again, but received nothing but pure indifference and coldness. This is something I don't deserve at all. While I wasn't perfect I offered her her/our dream life. As much as I dislike what happened and having her baby ripped away from me suddenly...no support for me from her family either. It's horribly cruel to welcome someone into your life so wholeheartedly and then just cut them off, but it's just the way it is. Karma has a way of doing its work. I have no doubt that a marriage would have been h$## with her. I'm thankful things worked out the way they did. At least I don't have a baby with her. Whew! I'll never have to cross paths with her or her family again.

All that said, this was a banner weekend for me. I had four dates with four healthy girls. None of them a thing like my ex. I had some pretty strong anxiety putting myself out there and hanging out with them, but now that I'm on the other side I feel much stronger myself. Looking back on my childhood, I believe I spent a lot of time running away from my not-so-healthy mom. She was harder on me than my brother. I spent a lot of time with my grandparents b/c I knew they loved me and treated me well. I spent a lot of time in the woods or in nature reflecting, too. Maybe it was more of an escape than I've realized before. I've been running away from intimacy, especially romantic intimacy my whole life.

For the most part I feel like I'm ready to make a healthy connection. I've been decorating my condo, adding some personal touches to make it a warmer home. I've put up pictures of me and my family (my cats) for the first time. I don't have any doubt this is going to be a banner year for me. The memories of the ex are fading faster and faster as I've come to accept that there's no purpose in contact. It's a tragic love story I'm not in any more. Time to build a future. Maybe a long time from now in a galaxy far far away she'll come to her senses and be able to make amends, but I'm not waitiing around.

[findingmyselfagain]

I guess you have to learn some things by experience...but I've finally come to accept that my exfiance is 95% likely borderline and definitely unhealthy. I was in LC for a time and offered to be cordial and wanted to see her baby again, but received nothing but pure indifference and coldness. This is something I don't deserve at all. While I wasn't perfect I offered her her/our dream life. As much as I dislike what happened and having her baby ripped away from me suddenly...no support for me from her family either. It's horribly cruel to welcome someone into your life so wholeheartedly and then just cut them off, but it's just the way it is. Karma has a way of doing its work. I have no doubt that a marriage would have been h$## with her. I'm thankful things worked out the way they did. At least I don't have a baby with her. Whew! I'll never have to cross paths with her or her family again.

All that said, this was a banner weekend for me. I had four dates with four healthy girls. None of them a thing like my ex. I had some pretty strong anxiety putting myself out there and hanging out with them, but now that I'm on the other side I feel much stronger myself. Looking back on my childhood, I believe I spent a lot of time running away from my not-so-healthy mom. She was harder on me than my brother. I spent a lot of time with my grandparents b/c I knew they loved me and treated me well. I spent a lot of time in the woods or in nature reflecting, too. Maybe it was more of an escape than I've realized before. I've been running away from intimacy, especially romantic intimacy my whole life.

For the most part I feel like I'm ready to make a healthy connection. I've been decorating my condo, adding some personal touches to make it a warmer home. I've put up pictures of me and my family (my cats) for the first time. I don't have any doubt this is going to be a banner year for me. The memories of the ex are fading faster and faster as I've come to accept that there's no purpose in contact. It's a tragic love story I'm not in any more. Time to build a future. Maybe a long time from now in a galaxy far far away she'll come to her senses and be able to make amends, but I'm not waitiing around.

[seeking balance]

Thanks for sharing!

4 dates in 1 week - as someone newly dating, that sounds exhausting 

Glad life is being good to you.  Would be great to have you posting on the building a new life board.

SB

[findingmyselfagain]

Thanks, SB. Yea, it is exhausting...I don't think I'll plan that many again. I'm pushing myself a little harder to face my fear of getting closer to someone. I'm a great guy...just need the right kind of person to care about. Will post on the new life board when I get a chance.