Indifference? it possible from long term? Alternative?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Keep going over indifference in my mind and know that im not indifferent. I guess indifference isnt something you cant say 'im nearly there' too although ive probably said it a few times.

Indifference i understand, i look back to other exes of mine and the way either they or myself ended the relationship was respectful as it could be.
These were before and after my ex (childs mum), each and everyone i can honestly say im indifferent to and i know that, sure i care, but inside i feel nothing for them and feel nothing as such for the past we had together. Im not saying none of them meant anything to me as they clearly did, but now? i feel as good as nothing for them.
Would i be bothered if they were seriously ill or had something not good happen to them? yes of course i would, but internally/emotionally i feel nothing for them.

These relationships lasted around 1month to 6 months.
The D's mum i feel as much as im trying to get to indifference with space, distance and no contact it feels inside that i will never be able to get to indifference with D's mum.

Im just being honest with myself thinking the length of the r/s (5 years) and the fact we have a child means that indifference is not a place i can be with this ex.
Does that make sense?

What alternatives are there to indifference? acceptance of life long connection, whether it be emotionally or physically?

Bit baffled by these thoughts. Will i ever be indifferent or am i hoping (under the circumstances) for something that maybe not possible to me?

[Faded]

Keep going over indifference in my mind and know that im not indifferent. I guess indifference isnt something you cant say 'im nearly there' too although ive probably said it a few times.

Indifference i understand, i look back to other exes of mine and the way either they or myself ended the relationship was respectful as it could be.
These were before and after my ex (childs mum), each and everyone i can honestly say im indifferent to and i know that, sure i care, but inside i feel nothing for them and feel nothing as such for the past we had together. Im not saying none of them meant anything to me as they clearly did, but now? i feel as good as nothing for them.
Would i be bothered if they were seriously ill or had something not good happen to them? yes of course i would, but internally/emotionally i feel nothing for them.

These relationships lasted around 1month to 6 months.
The D's mum i feel as much as im trying to get to indifference with space, distance and no contact it feels inside that i will never be able to get to indifference with D's mum.

Im just being honest with myself thinking the length of the r/s (5 years) and the fact we have a child means that indifference is not a place i can be with this ex.
Does that make sense?

What alternatives are there to indifference? acceptance of life long connection, whether it be emotionally or physically?

Bit baffled by these thoughts. Will i ever be indifferent or am i hoping (under the circumstances) for something that maybe not possible to me?

[zoso80]

Hi Faded,

While I'm not in the same boat as you, I prefer acceptance.  Acceptance is a better alternative to indifference because of a child involved.

Your last sentence I'm a little unclear on. It depends what you want.  Do you want to be indifferent or are you struggling that with the fact your aren't in love with the mother, but love your child? You feel weird not loving your child's mother? Are you hoping for a reconciliation? Look deep inside yourself on that one.

You are connected to your ex whom you had a child with, that will never change. Having a child together does many things, including activating emotions and feelings you didn't know you had.  You and your ex brought a life into this world.

If you have no feelings for her, that's the reality. I'd suggest you try to tailor your relationship with her going forward as based in being the best parent you can be to your child.  The old baggage of the past, leave it alone. Hopefully she does too. Just go forward with the child in mind and have strong boundaries.

You don't have to feign feelings you don't have.  Just accept what your role is and that you will be seeing this woman and talking to her until the child is 18. You can do that respectfully.

How she reacts, that's a wildcard.

If it does delve into the madness that sometimes happens with BPDexes, the folks on the L4 subforum http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=9.0 "Raising a child while one parent has BPD" can steer you in the emotional waters you will be navigating.

[beyondbelief]

I was in a r/s with my BPDXW for 10 years and we have kids together and things certainly did not end well.  Though I wish we would have lived happily ever after, there is no way I would want to be with her.  I genuinely wish her well and want her to become a good mother.  It is my reality.

[Faded]

I was in a r/s with my BPDXW for 10 years and we have kids together and things certainly did not end well.  Though I wish we would have lived happily ever after, there is no way I would want to be with her.  I genuinely wish her well and want her to become a good mother.  It is my reality.

Thats kind of how my thoughts go, i guess i had my heart set on indifference but maybe the reality i will never be indifferent to childs mother.
I genuinely wish her well and have said to our D 'i wish your mum well and hope she is happy and gets all she wants out of life'


Zoso, i appreciate the pointer to the other board as like you say im a parent, but this thread is about me as a person rather than the parenting side of things.

I kind of imagine that those without children will no doubt end up indifferent, just like how i am with my other previous partners.
As for communicating with the Ex til D is 18, you couldnt be more wrong on that situation. Ive always felt the need to fill the ex in on any matters reguarding our child, on the flip side i have to gain that info either from my D or i find out after an event has happened rather than before if its pre shceduled by the mum.

So for 12 years i feel ive done the right thing but never recieved the same mutual stance from the ex.

Now, i have NOT spoken/seen/communicated with the Ex for 9months.
D doesnt see her mum any more, or is very low on physical contact (maybe stayed at her mum a handful of times in 6 months, with the last few requests from the mum to D refused by the D.
The mum is still abusive to me, D and those around her and i will not tolerate that kind of behaviour in my life and D is taking the same stance with her boundaries (or is she mirroring me?)

I do have feelings for the ex but i couldnt name them or say what the feelings are because i just dont know.

I dont love her, i dont hate her but deep down there is a feeling!

I remember our past for what it really was, the ex see's it and tried to express it to me in only a good light! i was out of there quicker than lighting could strike.

I chose to accept the abuse so i could be a respectful parent(or seemingly come across as one), now i see the 2 cannot be paralell with each other for my own health.

Ive had to take away the abuse by expelling the D's mum from my life but ive also realised i can still be a respectful parent and it doesnt matter who see's that or witnesses it.
Ive gained my respect for who i am not what i can be when others demand it.

This thread could be L3, L4 or L5.

L3 i thought id get abetter response as L4 would be just a parents perspective rather than those without children who, like i say, have a better chance or being indifferent i would of thought.

L5 is probably how this thread will pan out for me  

Thanks for replies and thanks tot he board for allowing to me vent and questions aspects of my life and others.  

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