Dating after.,

[Think About It...]

I broke up with my exgfwBpd about 5 weeks ago. Have me no contact since we broke up. I still get strong urges to contact her and I miss her sometimes. It seems it was a pretty classic relationship with a BPD person. Great at first, then the controlling started , any activity I did she would say she wanted to see me so I started giving them up figured it was part of the give and take of a relationship. Then criticism how I parent, how I spend my money, how much I worked. At first I tried to be accomidating and talk about the issues. But as time went by I started taking it personal. She would never be happy. We could have an awesome weekend and then Monday it would be all the reasons I didn't love her enough. We broke up several times and always got back, either one of us promising to be different. But the last time I really went off and cursed and yelled told her she was mental , that she needed help, and when she cried I told her she deserved it, I think she helped  created the monster and when she saw how ugly it was she decided to move on. And I am now left with trying to move on.
Okay so I started dating again, and I met someone who seems to be the total opposite of my ex, she dosent drink at all where my ex drank to excess, she has a lot of activities book club, jogs, dance clubs, where my ex only activity was complaining about me. She has friends where my ex's only friends were my friends. But i will admit I miss the passion I had with my ex, we could kiss for hours , and she just kind of oozed sexuality. So my question is do I need to feel that passion,  I just seeing this girl cause it's safe and drama free. If my ex got in contact with me I am not sure I am strong enough to say no. I have blocked her numbers and emails. I know it's probably too soon for me to be dating but I reLly do want to move on. But I don't want to hurt anyone with my post BPD pain. I have told her about my ex in brief detail.

[Forever]

I broke up with my exgfwBpd about 5 weeks ago. Have me no contact since we broke up. I still get strong urges to contact her and I miss her sometimes. It seems it was a pretty classic relationship with a BPD person. Great at first, then the controlling started , any activity I did she would say she wanted to see me so I started giving them up figured it was part of the give and take of a relationship. Then criticism how I parent, how I spend my money, how much I worked. At first I tried to be accomidating and talk about the issues. But as time went by I started taking it personal. She would never be happy. We could have an awesome weekend and then Monday it would be all the reasons I didn't love her enough. We broke up several times and always got back, either one of us promising to be different. But the last time I really went off and cursed and yelled told her she was mental , that she needed help, and when she cried I told her she deserved it, I think she helped  created the monster and when she saw how ugly it was she decided to move on. And I am now left with trying to move on.
Okay so I started dating again, and I met someone who seems to be the total opposite of my ex, she dosent drink at all where my ex drank to excess, she has a lot of activities book club, jogs, dance clubs, where my ex only activity was complaining about me. She has friends where my ex's only friends were my friends. But i will admit I miss the passion I had with my ex, we could kiss for hours , and she just kind of oozed sexuality. So my question is do I need to feel that passion,  I just seeing this girl cause it's safe and drama free. If my ex got in contact with me I am not sure I am strong enough to say no. I have blocked her numbers and emails. I know it's probably too soon for me to be dating but I reLly do want to move on. But I don't want to hurt anyone with my post BPD pain. I have told her about my ex in brief detail.

[PDQuick]

Hey Forever.

I remember my first post BPD experience, and it came shortly after I broke up with her as well. I started dating a very nice, and lovely woman. She was really great, but I just wasn't ready. I missed a lot of the same things you listed as well.

What I cam to realize is that I was addicted to the drama that came form my previous relationship, and with this new lady, I didn't have that, and was effectively bored. Nothing was over the top with her. It was, for the lack of a better word, safe.

I believe that everything happens for a reason, and that people are placed in our lives for a reason.

Noone can answer the questions you have asked but you.

My questions to you are simple. With the last 5 sentences in your post in mind, do you think you are ready to Build A New Life, or are you still struggling with disengaging with your ex?

[Forever]

I admit I still struggle at times, and do a lot of retrospective thinking I am sure a lot more then my ex does, so that makes me think I need to move on but it's a struggle

[PDQuick]

Do you think you are truly ready to move on, or is it just what you think you need to do?

[Forever]

I know I have to move on, not so sure i am 100 percent ready yet, in fact I am sure I am not, but I feel if I don't at least try I am letting her and her BPD still trying to control me.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT The objective of this board is to learn and apply healthy emotional practices to the rebuilding of our love life. This board is about the discipline and strength of making those hard choices in life for good sustained emotional health. It is about not repeating the problems of the past; it is about understanding the wounds and baggage we carry forward, it is about healthy and practical ways to build new relationships. Click on "more information" for access to the lessons.

[seeking balance]

For me, I had to reframe what "moving on" looked like.  I used to think it was finding a new partner, after all, that is what I wanted in life.  But when I took a hard look, for me moving on needed to be time to focus on SB completely.  Even after therapy in the past, that time while completely alone was...well, necessary.  Moving on for me was simply giving myself permission to just be and to focus 100% on me.

[Forever]

Ok just got done my date which was pretty low key caused I sprained my ankle doing p90x and on crutches. So she came to my place we made dinner and watched a movie. She is a really nice girl we have a lot in common, she is funny, smart and caring . If I would have spanned my ankle with my ex, it would have been a series of complaints about how stupid I was for doing p90x, how I ruined her weekend, and how I was selfish. We kissed and it was nice but I wasn't blown away, and to make matters worse when she texted me when she got home I told her sweet dreams and she said they will be sweet because I will be in them. So I like this girl and I think there are a lot of reasons that make more sense then my ex but I guess there aren't the fireworks for me that have happened before. So do you need fireworks or is it better without fireworks because sometimes the fireworks blind you to the insanity of BPD.

[truly amazed]

Hi,

As PD quick said

I remember my first post BPD experience, and it came shortly after I broke up with her as well. I started dating a very nice, and lovely woman. She was really great, but I just wasn't ready. I missed a lot of the same things you listed as well.

What I cam to realize is that I was addicted to the drama that came form my previous relationship, and with this new lady, I didn't have that, and was effectively bored. Nothing was over the top with her. It was, for the lack of a better word, safe.

I believe that everything happens for a reason, and that people are placed in our lives for a reason.

Noone can answer the questions you have asked but you.

My questions to you are simple. With the last 5 sentences in your post in mind, do you think you are ready to Build A New Life, or are you still struggling with disengaging with your ex?

I asked myself was I ready ? NO ...

I also asked myself what was real about the previous RS ... it was intense with massive highs but absolute lows.

What was normal about it ? Not much ... sex ... how you were treated ... what you endured ? how it ended ?

All of it was abnormal and when dating again spent a lot of time devoted to these questions and it was and is important once your ready not to see red flags at every turn ... but alos on the other hand to maintain those boundarries we let slip with the BPD RS. A very fine balance between the two.

Everyone has faults ... everyone has quirks and running if someone has a few will see us alone for the rest of our lives. Not suggesting we settle for second best but be realistic and our expectations or more exactly what we perceive as being normal after coming from something that was so abnormal.

Anyhow good luck on your journey

[cc2]

@Forever,

I would play it save. I am 4 months out now and boy can I tell you, this is now becoming the eye opener. Have you looked into yourself why you actually did fall for the BPD? I know that when I look at myself, I was constantly leaving myself behind when I was in an R/S. I mean, I stopped doing things I liked. I am a hobby musician and the biggest eye opener was that I did not make note of music during my 8 month BPD rs. I am now enjoying time I spend on my music (and yeah she would get a heart attach knowing what amounts I spend on it). But after the sad and lonely place , you start to become more yourself. Honestly, someone who would have dated me 4 months ago would find herself in the debris left from my previous RS. And remember, they might really love you and be there for you, yet, what happens when the debris is whole again and the person coming out of that debris is not the person they thought they fell in love with. This might sound harsh, but is this any different than what happened to us? I remember that 4 months ago I was looking for any  form of affection and attention. And right now, I am gettng it under a totally different level. Friends, family. Yet at the start I was to eager to really dive into the rollercoaster we have. And yes, some things which are normal see 'boring'. But looking at your own life, what makes it boring?
Start doing things you like. And at a point you will say, ok if someone is there, yet, I will not allow anyone to take this or that away from me. To give you my take on it in my life: I do not want anyone at the moment. I want to spend time on my music and lyrics and do not want to explain what I write about. On the other hand, if I was to meet someone who gently walks into my life, understanding that I will say, sorry tonight is rehearsal night and I can't see you, without the 'you don't love me' and understand that I have a bad knee and I want to take hikes with you but I can't without the 'you are ashamed of me', then I might reconsider. But it is what it is and I am what I am. The fact is that I believe we all come out of these RS needing to find who we are.

My 2ct: give it time, build your own life. If she really loves you, she will give you that freedom. But don't play with the other. No promises, no lies

CC2

[Want2know]

So I like this girl and I think there are a lot of reasons that make more sense then my ex but I guess there aren't the fireworks for me that have happened before. So do you need fireworks or is it better without fireworks because sometimes the fireworks blind you to the insanity of BPD.

I am in the beginning stage of building a new r/s in the aftermath of my xunpdbf.  We finally split last September, and I tried dating, but none of the guys I met really interested me enough to stick around longer than a date or two.  I took a step back, and decided to focus on myself for a bit, instead of forcing myself to get back out there into the dating pool.  The moment I did that, I met a guy, who I initially didn't have sparks with, but was very comfortable with, as a friend.  That was my new boundary...friends first.  Well, slowly but surely the sparks are starting to fly.  The more I get to know him, and the more we hang out casually, more like friends, the more intense my feelings towards him are becoming.  We've been seeing each other now for almost 2 months, so I would say to you to give it some time with her if you like her, and try not to put any pressure on yourself to be anything more than friends, initially.  See where it goes...watch for red flags, and run them by us if you're not sure (that's what I've been doing), try not to over-analyze to the point of shutting down or wanting to run away, and relax - take it slow.  You have control this time around.   

[Forever]

Thanks for everyones support, I am not worried about her having BPD she seems very stable and has a lot of friends and hobbies. I am more worried about me hurting her with the collateral damage from my relationship with someone with BPD. I still miss my ex and although I feel a mixture of regret and anger I really want to get to the point where I feel indifferent. I know it's only been a few weeks and I probably should not be dating yet but I don't want to have my ex still controlling my actions. I think I need to take it slow but still be moving forward.

[Want2know]

I am more worried about me hurting her with the collateral damage from my relationship with someone with BPD.

I feel the same way. 

I actually got to tell my new bf that yesterday.  We talk in depth about a lot of stuff.  He is 54 and I am 47.  We've both been in long term marriages, and have had bad r/s experiences, so there really is no taboo subject.  He knows about this site, but not in any level of detail that he could find it, and yesterday he asked if I talked about our r/s on the site.  I told him I did, and that I did it to make sure I was doing this r/s the right way because I had never had a healthy r/s, and since I respected him so much, I didn't want to hurt him because of my previous experience.  He really appreciated that. 

Now, we've been seeing each other for a couple of months, and it felt right to tell him that.  I have been pretty up front with him from the very beginning, but deciding how much detail to tell about a previous r/s is tricky when first meeting someone.  Initially it started by me telling him I wanted to take things slow, and be friends first, and did not tell him the detailed reason why.  He took that very well, and said he didn't want to push me into anything I wasn't comfortable with.  Slowly but surely, I let him in on the detail.  You have to decide what you feel is right, but there are options.