Adventures in post BPD dating pool

[Think About It...]

So my friends, I spent a year out single...no dating for one year post b/up with xBPD. One of my best mates introduced me to a single mother whom he and his wife have known for 8 years. Their daughters are best mates and he essentially vetted for her and she seemed like a good prospect. We will call her Y.

We met once and started with phone conversations and within those few phone conversations, she had a falling out with my friends and proceeded to "bad mouth" my friend on grounds that he was "domineering" like her father. Red flag#1   I excused this but decided to see what else was in store. RF#2...sex on the first date. RF#3...anxiety around me and a need to "drink" to relieve said anxiety. RF#4...driving in her car...a man cuts her off and out she blurts..."prick"!  RF#5...offer of giving me $1500...not a loan, but $1500 to pay some bills. RF#6...her ex husband, as she revealed...has a tendency to enter her home unannounced (boundaries?) and had once entered her house whilst her and a b/f were in bed. RF#7...ex-husband had once strangled her and beat her up and that was her grounds for divorce. RF#8...revelation..of a past life in stripping.  RF#9...revelation that she has been in a r/s non-stop since she could remember. RF#10...controlling parents. RF#11...a brother who apparently was "inappropriate" her her sexually...no intercourse, but I guess his hands would wander. RF#12...I received a text in which she wrote " you suck donkey di_cks" and a 1/2 later "run like the wind".

That was all in less than 3 weeks. Upon all of these RF's...I asked her if she had ever seen a therapist and she replied that she was diagnosed as manic-depressive.  I suggested BPD and read off the criteria from BPD Family. She said every single one of them resonated and chimed in with stories of cutting and burning herself with cigarettes when she was a teen. After the crazy texts, I told her that we were over and that I needed to focus on career and parenting.

We have had a few conversation since and she has admitted that she sabotages r/ships and did so with me. Furthermore...she has decided that she has drinking problems and just lost the plot in front of her daughter and her ex had to take the child away for the evening until she sobered up. I explained the BPD/NPD dance and she has since been able to surmise that her father was NPD...mother BPD/NPD and her ex husband NPD.

Me...I know I learnt something down in the rabbit hole and just dodged a bullet.

Whatever the case...the sex was the hook and luckily I spit that hook out in less than a month.

Thanks for reading.

[alchemist]

So my friends, I spent a year out single...no dating for one year post b/up with xBPD. One of my best mates introduced me to a single mother whom he and his wife have known for 8 years. Their daughters are best mates and he essentially vetted for her and she seemed like a good prospect. We will call her Y.

We met once and started with phone conversations and within those few phone conversations, she had a falling out with my friends and proceeded to "bad mouth" my friend on grounds that he was "domineering" like her father. Red flag#1   I excused this but decided to see what else was in store. RF#2...sex on the first date. RF#3...anxiety around me and a need to "drink" to relieve said anxiety. RF#4...driving in her car...a man cuts her off and out she blurts..."prick"!  RF#5...offer of giving me $1500...not a loan, but $1500 to pay some bills. RF#6...her ex husband, as she revealed...has a tendency to enter her home unannounced (boundaries?) and had once entered her house whilst her and a b/f were in bed. RF#7...ex-husband had once strangled her and beat her up and that was her grounds for divorce. RF#8...revelation..of a past life in stripping.  RF#9...revelation that she has been in a r/s non-stop since she could remember. RF#10...controlling parents. RF#11...a brother who apparently was "inappropriate" her her sexually...no intercourse, but I guess his hands would wander. RF#12...I received a text in which she wrote " you suck donkey di_cks" and a 1/2 later "run like the wind".

That was all in less than 3 weeks. Upon all of these RF's...I asked her if she had ever seen a therapist and she replied that she was diagnosed as manic-depressive.  I suggested BPD and read off the criteria from BPD Family. She said every single one of them resonated and chimed in with stories of cutting and burning herself with cigarettes when she was a teen. After the crazy texts, I told her that we were over and that I needed to focus on career and parenting.

We have had a few conversation since and she has admitted that she sabotages r/ships and did so with me. Furthermore...she has decided that she has drinking problems and just lost the plot in front of her daughter and her ex had to take the child away for the evening until she sobered up. I explained the BPD/NPD dance and she has since been able to surmise that her father was NPD...mother BPD/NPD and her ex husband NPD.

Me...I know I learnt something down in the rabbit hole and just dodged a bullet.

Whatever the case...the sex was the hook and luckily I spit that hook out in less than a month.

Thanks for reading.

[Want2know]

Wow...I would say you dodged a bullet, perhaps even a barrage of bullets aimed directly at your heart.  Glad you recognized the   and ran like the wind. 

Thanks for sharing your experience, although I'm sure it was somewhat disappointing, at some point.  I'd like to hear if you feel relieved or are you having some other feelings associated with your rollercoaster ride with her?

[Breakingfree9]

I say good for you for recognizing the RFs.

Recently, I dated a woman who seemed quite normal. Tall, beautiful, smart kids, fun to be around.

But, at times, she would do or say things to me that seemed like she was trying to sabotage the relationship ("I'm poor, are you sure you want to date me?" "I had serious back issues, are you sure you want to date me?") Guarded? Intimacy issues?

After about four months, we had a talk about "the relationship" and basically she said, "you should just know what I need from you."  I heard this over and over again with the uBPDxw.

Then, she said, "I don't think we should see each other anymore".

I replied, "Ok" and that was it.  While perhaps I'm too guarded, I honestly feel like I dodged a bullet with that one.

Alchemist...I think we're growing.

[alchemist]

Two parter answer.

To answer WTK's question: There was no roller coaster ride...my feelings were never hurt and I had zero expectations.  It was more of a litmus test and final exam to see if I learnt my lessons. I told her that I was really unable to get emotionally involved but willing to explore a FWB monogamous agreement. My BPD radar is calibrated and even though the sex was off the Richter Scale and plentiful... I listened to my gut feeling and within 1 week of dating knew I was in OZ again.  No thanks.  On a good note I was able to read off the BPD criteria checklist and she said everyone of them rang a bell.  She was diagnosed as manic depressive and we both agreed that it was time to take this to pro therapist and not our collective arm chair prognosis.  Wow! Hopefully she figures it out because she in her own words has hit rock bottom.  I gave her some books and wished her luck.  Phew!

And yes to BFree ...healing but need more time. If these people with self esteem in the shtters can't believe in themselves...how can we believe in them?  It's too painful to see/hear and I felt a toxic sludge/aura in her presence and it quickly vanished outside her presence. I am too very guarded and a bit jaded. I call it self-preservation and proof that I learnt a lesson in that actions trump words. The next r/s will go slow..no sex on first date..friends first and no low self esteem or drinking issues.  Stakes too high with a 5 YO boy and a BPD/NPD mom ... I need to be his rock and show him healthy adult relating.

I reckon in retrospect that my 2 BPDs in a row were gifts to me so I could heal my c/hood wounds and get on with life. Thanks to you both... but what a horrendous tuition.  Speaking of which ... along with sex ed... should schools be teaching kids what healthy self esteem and PDs look like? I reckon so. 

Thanks for reading.  Godspeed healing to all

[Breakingfree9]

Stakes too high with a 5 YO boy and a BPD/NPD mom ... I need to be his rock and show him healthy adult relating.

I would say this is a very slippery slope. My daughter is 8. I divorced her uBPDxw when she was nearly 4. My daughter has only met one person that I've dated. It was just a casual, "Oh, D8, a friend of mine is here. I'm going to introduce you to her." Never did I tell her that we were dating. Never has my daughter joined me on a date and absolutely never has anyone I've dated been to my home, much less spend the night, during my kid time.

I believe I am showing her healthy adult relating -- HOW I RELATE TO HER.

Her mom...that's another story. D8 has met all of uBPDxw's boyfriends, gone along with her on dates and now a man that my uBPDxw is not married to lives in her home.

the sex was off the Richter Scale and plentiful

It usually is. You have to get past that and be honest with yourself when evaluating her behavior.

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[alchemist]

Can you please shine some more light on your "slippery slope" opinion?

[Breakingfree9]

I can only say what I've tried to do with my life.

I have chosen not to introduce my D8 to any woman that I've dated. It's an adult subject and I don't believe she should be exposed to my dating life.

However, I also believe that she should understand what a healthy adult relationship is. I may end up doing that through guidance only. It's entirely possible that over the next 10 years, she will not see me in a relationship. I'm fine with that. It is my choice to only introduce her to someone I'm dating if I'm completely sure that it is a lasting, healthy relationship.

[alchemist]

Thanks for the reply. I feel the same about introducing my son to any prospective ladies. The woman I temporarily dated felt the same way and I never met the daughter and my son never met the woman.

With exBPD..I am civil... we share time together peacefully to demonstrate to our son that we can still be a family... Just not living together or intimate. We both made a promise to never speak poorly of each other and have upheld this promise.

I guess by not engaging or choosing to become involved her life beyond co-parenting is safest for me and eliminates drama and any chaos.  We are a year out and have a long road ahead. Any advice..positive input or constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.  This is new territory and I am trying to find peace and consistency in setting a positive example. And yes... until I find the right partner...my son will not have a succession of new mommy figures coming in and out of his life. Luckily we split when he was 3 and spent a year living apart, but still coupled. I hope the exposure to our dysfunction was minimal.

Thanks again for your thoughts and opinion ... it all helps. Cheers