The longest I've ever been single... ?

[Think About It...]

Hi everyone.  I have been thinking that I have been single for the longest time ever. It will be going on three years this spring. I miss the companionship.  It's just that I have a routine, I don't hang out in bars. The last 2 relationships I have had (this includes the borderline) I met them at work. I don't go to church. I have a few friends, one who is involved in a very long distance relationship and another who loves being single and staying that way...no dating. Tried the online thing,,thats sort of a bust. Initially, I don't think I was ready as I was still in shock or the breakup and furious with my ex. Today, I feel ready to date. I do not mind my life now as I have it but would like someone special to share my life with. Anyone else in this situation? Wanna date? Hahahaha. 

[jalk]

Hi everyone.  I have been thinking that I have been single for the longest time ever. It will be going on three years this spring. I miss the companionship.  It's just that I have a routine, I don't hang out in bars. The last 2 relationships I have had (this includes the borderline) I met them at work. I don't go to church. I have a few friends, one who is involved in a very long distance relationship and another who loves being single and staying that way...no dating. Tried the online thing,,thats sort of a bust. Initially, I don't think I was ready as I was still in shock or the breakup and furious with my ex. Today, I feel ready to date. I do not mind my life now as I have it but would like someone special to share my life with. Anyone else in this situation? Wanna date? Hahahaha. 

[ve01603]

Hi everyone.  I have been thinking that I have been single for the longest time ever. It will be going on three years this spring. I miss the companionship.  It's just that I have a routine, I don't hang out in bars. The last 2 relationships I have had (this includes the borderline) I met them at work. I don't go to church. I have a few friends, one who is involved in a very long distance relationship and another who loves being single and staying that way...no dating. Tried the online thing,,thats sort of a bust. Initially, I don't think I was ready as I was still in shock or the breakup and furious with my ex. Today, I feel ready to date. I do not mind my life now as I have it but would like someone special to share my life with. Anyone else in this situation? Wanna date? Hahahaha. 

Same here.  It's been two years for me and I don't really go that many places where I could meet someone.  Went out with friends last night to an all year high school reunion and met some great guys, all married.  Luckily none were trying to pretend that they weren't.  That's what made them great guys.  

Then when I felt so upset when I found out my neighbor's fiance left her with no warning, makes me wonder if I am really ready? 

[jalk]

I hear you Ve. It's scary when you see someone else's s.o. take off suddenly. Can bring back some vivid memories. I know I never want to hurt like that again. Having things feel great and loving one day and bye bye the next just screws with the mind.

[PDQuick]

Hey Jalk, long time, no see. 

It looks like you are doing much better than the last time I was here, and saw you. Good for you.

It is nice being single, and not feeling that you need someone. That way, you tend to not settle, because you are happy with the current situation. I am in that right now. I would love to find someone to spend some time with, and be a part of my life, but I don't need any drama, and I need her to be a good person. My 'needs" are different now than they were in the past.

How have your needs changed?

[ve01603]

I hear you Ve. It's scary when you see someone else's s.o. take off suddenly. Can bring back some vivid memories. I know I never want to hurt like that again. Having things feel great and loving one day and bye bye the next just screws with the mind.

Yes.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT The objective of this board is to learn and apply healthy emotional practices to the rebuilding of our love life. This board is about the discipline and strength of making those hard choices in life for good sustained emotional health. It is about not repeating the problems of the past; it is about understanding the wounds and baggage we carry forward, it is about healthy and practical ways to build new relationships. Click on "more information" for access to the lessons.

[ve01603]

Hey Jalk, long time, no see.  

It looks like you are doing much better than the last time I was here, and saw you. Good for you.

It is nice being single, and not feeling that you need someone. That way, you tend to not settle, because you are happy with the current situation. I am in that right now. I would love to find someone to spend some time with, and be a part of my life, but I don't need any drama, and I need her to be a good person. My 'needs" are different now than they were in the past.

How have your needs changed?

Mine have changed because I am very happy with myself and I know that if there are certain qualities that I want in someone, I must also possess those qualities.  I am no longer "needy" and have much to offer and I recognize and shy away from "needy" in other people.  I find it so unattractive  in my female friends and so now that I have identified it, and know what it looks like, I never want my next man to perceive me that way.  

I used to "pretend" not to be needy, but now I'm really not and it feels great.

In fact, I WAS (paste tense) feeling extremely healthy but was surprised that I felt so sad when I found out that my poor neighbor was left with no warning that it makes me wonder if I am ready?

 
Love Snowmen.  Maybe I should date one!Couldn't be any colder than my exBPD/NPD!   Have to keep that sense of humor.

[mmcnulty]

I went on a date last night. It was fun. We had a good time. I felt attracted to her. We kissed good night, and each went to our own homes. When I woke up this morning, I felt so lonely and starved for affection that I couldn't hold back tears, much less get out of bed. Most mornings, I feel lonely and starved for affection, and just shrug it off and get on with whatever needs getting on with. I don't know why today was different.

[Want2know]

Today, I feel ready to date. I do not mind my life now as I have it but would like someone special to share my life with. Anyone else in this situation? Wanna date? Hahahaha.  

Ha, ha!  Maybe we can practice dating with each other...you know, work out the kinks so that we have good experiences with our "real" dates.  

I just started dating a man..been about a month.  It's been difficult, but only because I've made it somewhat difficult by over-analyzing everything.  I'm starting to chill out now because the guy I'm seeing is super patient, open to talking about anything, and checks in with me enough about how I'm feeling, and if we are still on the same page as far as where we are in building our relationship.  I was lucky to have met him.  It took me putting myself out there for a few guys who I thought I was interested in, but they all didn't meet my "needs", so I moved on quite quickly.  Not with this guy.  He is meeting my needs, and I really enjoy being with him.  No  |>!

Anyway, I'd be interested to hear how you answer PDQ's question about if your needs have changed, or what in fact are your needs...sharing your life with someone can be awesome.  I guess it's how you approach getting there that is an interesting journey in itself, especially after having experiences like we have all had with our pwBPD/npd.

[AwareNow]

WOW! I love that question, "How have your needs changed?" This is a very catalytic question to ponder. I think the recognition of needs previously ignored or unrecognized is the key (for me anyway). I related to, or was attracted to qualities and traits that while important and significant did not administer to my deeper needs of affection, empathy and humility.

One thing I realize is that any woman I eventually become involved with again, must be strong enough to be vulnerable. The "I can do it all myself, totally independent, never display any human weakness types, (I have discovered) have little capacity to give or receive genuine affection, passion, tenderness or caring. Choosing someone like this for a
'giver' is misery when it is discovered is likely will never be reciprocated. I'm not talking about clingy, totally dependence but the ability to admit wrong and realize that no one can do it all alone. We all need to be accepted in our weaker moments as well as our triumphs.

Basic inner qualities cannot be eclipse by beauty of sex alone (not that we should exclude them either). In due time, they will come up wanting when our deepest needs go unmet. We will be left holding an empty container that will never be even partially filled with anything of lasting value.

AN

 

[dah1029]

At the age of 49, I have found that my needs have changed with age and with this bizarre BPD experience.  I don't want anymore screwballs.  I want someone that's got his act together professionally, financially, with his kids, and interested and able to make retirement plans together.  I'm not interested in drama or someone that's looking to be taken care of.  I'm also not looking to be someone's Therapist. 

Dating is hard at this age.  Hard to meet people.  We're all so busy with professions, homes, and kids.  Continue with the dating sites.  Zoosk, match, cupid.  If you have some female friends that you trust, see if they have any available girlfriends.  Make sure you tell them your "type" .  Women are in the same boat.  They don't know where to go to meet decent guys.  I always say, Home Depot.  That place is loaded with men.  Maybe join a gym to meet women. 

[Mystic]

At the age of 49, I have found that my needs have changed with age and with this bizarre BPD experience.  I don't want anymore screwballs.  I want someone that's got his act together professionally, financially, with his kids, and interested and able to make retirement plans together.  I'm not interested in drama or someone that's looking to be taken care of.  I'm also not looking to be someone's Therapist. 

My sentiments exactly.  I've taken a good long time to evaluate myself and my relationship history.  It's been interesting to say the least.  A lot to work through on my own part, having had the requisite dysfunctional family background, and developed into a caretaker, I wound up taking care of everyone but myself.  Relationships?  Mostly abusers who simultaneously needed to be rescued.  No can do, no more, never again. 

Quite honestly, at this point, I'm not too trusting of my own picker, so I stepped away from dating until I have some sense of boundaries and faith in my ability to keep myself safe. 

I've known good men, and I've seen good men in operation with their relationships and families.  I know my own worth and value, and won't settle for anything less than that sort of goodness, ever again.  Being alone is much better than being in a place where the sands are constantly shifting under your feet and you can't trust your own eyes and ears and perception of reality.  It's better than the "sleeping with the enemy" feeling of never being safe in your own home from emotional or physical abuse.  A relationship should be a safe haven, not dangerous territory. 

[OTH]

Yoga... Dancing... Learn a couple new skills. Skills that women like. I'm not so lonely myself anymore 

[beatrixkiddo]

What a great topic. I just made a year on March 7th after 5 years of borderline prison/hell. Before that I was newly out of a 12yr marriage when I met the exbp.  I think I'm still reeling from the trauma, and enjoying freedom from the "prison" at the same time. I like being in control of my own schedule, tv habits, food choices... All the little things that he controlled. I dated a really sweet guy very briefly right around and after the holidays, but ended it (VERY AMICABLY... unlike the borderline) because I wasn't ready. Really wasn't ready! He was great and very understanding.  I think it's still okay to want to be alone right now. I feel like I need a good while of being happy alone, and it's kind of reassuring to see I'm not alone in that regard... I think. I'm still terrified of repeating the pattern. And my needs are definitely different now. Next go round (if there's a next) I never want to give up me. After this disaster, I couldn't even remember what I liked. I'm finally not afraid of the blank canvas of life in front of me. It seemed so scary at first. But now I know I want to be the artist this time.