Everything was great then boom...

[Think About It...]

So we had a weekend of activities all planned had both been looking forward to it all week and it was all going really well. We had spent most of the week leading up to it working loads and when not working discussing and planning how we deal with his emotions and fears when they started getting out of hand. Everything was looking up and we were in a good place as a couple.

So off we set Saturday morning and had a fantastic day followed by dinner and drinks at night. I am still not sure or clear why it started one minute we trying to get a cab home the next he is shouting and demanding that i apologise for my uncalled for comment. Apparently he told me that some guy he once knew offered him cocaine in the toilets to which i replied oh shut up i am not interested. All hell broke loose!  ?

After 3 hours of trying to calm him down trying to calm me down and chasing him down the street a few times as he was away to end it all. My head was hurting and I had no strength in me to deal with him.

This is the first time i have been on the recieving end of his temper and irrational thoughts of suicide usually he directs it towards his parents mostly his dad. When it happens then i can stay calm talk to him supportingly and difuse the situation but i really really struggled on Saturday night. Hindsight tells me that i should have stayed calm not to take what he was saying personally but it was so bloody difficult. Does this get easier in time?

[damedolly]

So we had a weekend of activities all planned had both been looking forward to it all week and it was all going really well. We had spent most of the week leading up to it working loads and when not working discussing and planning how we deal with his emotions and fears when they started getting out of hand. Everything was looking up and we were in a good place as a couple.

So off we set Saturday morning and had a fantastic day followed by dinner and drinks at night. I am still not sure or clear why it started one minute we trying to get a cab home the next he is shouting and demanding that i apologise for my uncalled for comment. Apparently he told me that some guy he once knew offered him cocaine in the toilets to which i replied oh shut up i am not interested. All hell broke loose!  ?

After 3 hours of trying to calm him down trying to calm me down and chasing him down the street a few times as he was away to end it all. My head was hurting and I had no strength in me to deal with him.

This is the first time i have been on the recieving end of his temper and irrational thoughts of suicide usually he directs it towards his parents mostly his dad. When it happens then i can stay calm talk to him supportingly and difuse the situation but i really really struggled on Saturday night. Hindsight tells me that i should have stayed calm not to take what he was saying personally but it was so bloody difficult. Does this get easier in time?

[united for now]

Yes - and no  ;p

We never advise anyone to sit and listen to abuse. Being yelled at, called names, and belittled while being blamed and criticized isn't healthy for you, for the person doing it, and it will destroy the relationship over time. That sort of behavior is abuse - something we never tolerate. Read about it here TIME OUT (stepping away so as not to make things worse)

No. It's not easy. The first time you find the courage to walk away from being abused is the toughest. It's frightening to take care of yourself in this way. Fears of "am I doing the right thing?" - "what if the pwBPD leaves me for good over this?" - "what if the pwBPD gets even madder and does something to retaliate?" are natural.

Very often, you've both been conditioned to tolerate some unhealthy dynamics. Breaking the pattern will require you to rethink your part and to carefully consider the possible reprecussions. Cause I can guarantee you that the pwBPD won't like you leaving. It will trigger their own fears of abandonment, and it will make things worse before they get better.

Yes, it will get easier the next time you have to walk away from abuse. And while you will be scared and uncertain, you will feel better about taking back some control over yourself. You will feel good that you took care of yourself in a healthy fashion.

Again, there is a learning curve to this, so being prepared is important. He will get worse before he gets better.

It's also important to understand that taking a time out is only "1" part of what we learn here. Before you can make anything better though, you have to stop making them worse...

[LoveNotWar]

Damedolly,

I struggle with knowing when it's time to take a time out. For years I worked in a job where I was verbally and even physically assaulted on a daily basis so I have lost my perspective.

What I AM learning though is when my BPDh starts his verbal criticism that is irrational I MUST take a break or it really gets bad.

I may not recognize verbal abuse immediately but I am learning to listen to my own inner voice, when I feel like I'm going to start to cry (which always triggers a rage in him) or I feel my anger rising I need to take a break.

I was scared to do this because of his suicide ideaology but I did it two days in a row and it REALLY worked. When I saw it going bad and before he was totally dysregulated I said I love you but I am feeling like this is getting too tense. I need a break. I picked up my purse, keys and left. Then I sent him a text that said I love you and hope we can finish this conversation when we ate both calmer. Then I turned the phone off.

First time he was ANGRY, second time he took it better and it has really helped both of us. I've had one set back since I started when we were both in the car and he would not stop and let me out. It wasn't pretty and when I finally got out I told him I couldn't talk to him until I had a chance to think it through. Three days later we sat down and calmly discussed it and I think we had a breakthrough. I validated like crazy and he said I think I get it, if I criticize you you need to take a time out so we don't fight. YES!

That was a week ago and I KNOW he's not cured but I do feel more confidence in my ability to handle this well and maybe some hope that his therapy is working. I also know he will rage again, it's part of who he is and he can't help it. I do love him and when it's  good it's very good so my job is to learn how to work all the tools and not make things worse.

Time will tell...

[artman.1]

I learned the hardest way possible, that I needed to walk away.  For 40 years, I allowed my UBPDW to totally abuse me with her rages, and filthy names, Humiliation, etc..  Well She started a rage that lasted for about 85 hours straight, 24 hours per day.  She would not allow me to sleep, by pinching me, and continuing to rage.  She was blaming me for everything under the sun.  This finally got to me.  I know, I should have never allowed this, but I became so very depressed and felt that I was an absolute failure in life.  I have never been so very down in my entire life.  I snapped, and decided I needed to end my disgusting life, and ran upstairs and took out the 357 Mag Pistol, and loaded it, cocked it, and put it in my mouth, readyto blow my own head off.  I was shaking so bad I had serious trouble pulling the trigger, and it was quite hard to pull, so I came to my senses and unloaded the gun, and locked it back up.  Next, I ran down and out of our house, and drove to the nearby Hospital Emergency clenic.  They admitted me and then sent me to UW Medical Clenic in Seattle.  I was there for 10 days .  They just observed me, telling me I just needed a time out.  Now, that I understand BPD, I wonder why none of those therapists helped me to understand.  They didn't even talk to me.  I was mostly ignored by them.  Well they finally discharged me, and I had to call my UBPDW to come and pick me up.  When she picked me up, she started calling me Freak-Boy.  That hurt, and she kept that up for months after that.  She blamed the whole thing on my Son, who had nothing to do with it.  I now understand, that when she rages, leave, and let her deal with her own issues, as I cannot allow myself to be Raged at, abused, and humiliated ever again.  Even though I allowed her to hurt me, I still resent her for this, and will probably always resent her for what she did.  I don't care if she is Mentally Ill, she did something that quite literly came within minute fractions of an inch to end my life.  I had actually partly pulled that trigger, and it must have been God that kept it from going off.
     The reason I have shared this experience, is to make it as solid as possible how very important it is to protect yourself from abusive treatment from your BPDSO.

Art

[itsnothend]

I'm was talking to my T recently, saying that the irony of having a bf w/ BPD is that I've had to learn so much about myself... and fast !

To not accept abuse is hard and scary. I just left my bf in town an hour ago.He broke up with me...again, because when he went to rehearsal Sunday and told me he wasn't coming home that night. I decided to have dinner with friends. He changed his mind, came home and I had gone and done my own thing. He said I'm crazy not to understand why he's upset and that I needed to find a ride home after work and into work in the morning ( we share a car). I called him and told him I could get a ride home, but not to work in the morning. He informed me that I would need to find a way. So, this was when I got brave and said, if you can't help me get to work in the morning , maybe I should take the truck home with me. It was so hard! when he started calling me crazy and told me how done our relationship is, it was even harder to say. I love you,  I'm not making you stay with me , all I"m telling you is that I"m committed to you for now , I'm also not going allow myself to be spoken to this way and I got off the phone.

I'm afraid right now, because maybe he won't come back or maybe I said the wrong thing. I keep telling myself it's no accident that I'm with this guy. He chose someone who would resist taking care of herself, someone with poor boundaries, someone compassionate, a doormat :-)

Artman, I'm really glad your still here.
Damedolly, I'm still struggling with that question of whether it gets easier too. I hope that there is a way to love someone with these challenges and still not ride there roller coaster.

I feel encouraged that if we are here on this sight that we are finding are way.

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