Emotional Caretaker?

[Think About It...]

What does being the Emotional Caretaker entail and, perhaps more importantly, how does it differentiate from co-dependency?

I am open to being pointed to the appropriate Lesson(s) but I would also like to have some insight into others real and practical examples.

All the best!

[irishsob]

What does being the Emotional Caretaker entail and, perhaps more importantly, how does it differentiate from co-dependency?

I am open to being pointed to the appropriate Lesson(s) but I would also like to have some insight into others real and practical examples.

All the best!

[isilme]

Honestly, I though the two were very closely linked.

I am Codependent (and working on it) and have been an Emotional Caretaker for my BPD parents and my uBPDBF. 

Perhaps one defines a thought process (codependent) while the other defines actions?  Like now I can till have trouble with my codependent FEELINGS that I should go do XYZ to make BF not angry, but knowing it's enabling, and won't help anyway, I no longer try to be his Emotional Caretaker, and don't feel it's my job (not as much as I used to at least) to MAKE him happy?  That it's his job to manage his own emotions while I try to get a handle on mine? 

[united for now]

Maybe this will help. The term isn't well defined  ;p

When a person is depressed and they turn to you "to make them feel better", you are the emotional caretaker.

When a person is angry and they blame you "for making them angry", you are the emotional caretaker.

It's when others expect you to be responsible for how they are feeling.

It's when you assume that you have the ability to control how others are feeling.

The expectation is based on enmeshment.
The need to fulfill the role is based on codependency.


BPD parents often do this to their children, which breeds the next generation of codependents...


I guess the important lesson would be to learn to recognize the demands and the drive in yourself to meet those demands, and then learning how to reprogram what you can control - you - and then changing it.

[real lady]

 Hi. Irish. I was struck with surprise by that term also; thinking that it was bordering codependency or seeing myself as "above" my uBPDh. I realize for me that I KNOW and understand things about the dynamics of our relationship, I see patterns in his "rage behavior" and I have learned way to sidestep, diffuse and even avoid an unnecessary and possibly damaging "argument". I think that this term is more of indicating that "since we KNOW what is going on, we have the power to help or hurt it" and being an "emotional caretaker" for me is knowing, doing and loving my uBPDh without explaining to him or looking down on him or giving him the impression that I am backing off emotionally or trying to avoid him. It is finding a BALANCE and a delicate balance at that.

For example, I am finding patterns in his addictive "acquiring" of things that tell me WHAT HE WANTS TO DO but he does not want to 1)admit to himself or 2) admit to me, that he WANTS something. I have been able to tell him that he CAN do what he would like but he did not NEED to do anything for me (he might have wanted to "make it about me" and that HE needed a new thing so I could have his old one...maybe so he doesn't feel so selfish? that he wants a new toy?) without him beginning to rage. I have found that if he is IN a rage about something, I do NOT look at him directly, I speak softly, AGREE with him and then clarify and DROP the subject. It works for me.

Both of these are NOT giving into, being dominated or enabling him; being an emotional caretaker for me is seeing what he wants, how he tries to get it so he doesn't HAVE to deal with his feelings about it (this happened with a new laptop also; it was BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD) and STANDING BACK and not allowing him to use me as an excuse. A delicate balance for me.

[irishsob]

Thank you for your replies. I am actually all too familiar with co-dependence. Good ol' fashioned Irish family and all (read: alcoholic parents). Thankfully, I have been involved in recovery for a very long time, starting when my mother got sober when I was 14, then my own recovery some 20+ years ago coupled with my individual counseling.

Th reason I was asking is I read on here something about being our pwBPD's 'emotional caretaker' and I wanted clarification as to the distinction between being that and being co-dependent. Seems to be a very fine line. Unless, of course, I am mistaken as to what I read or how I am interpreting it.

All the best,
IrishSOB

[Auspicious]

Th reason I was asking is I read on here something about being our pwBPD's 'emotional caretaker' and I wanted clarification as to the distinction between being that and being co-dependent. Seems to be a very fine line. Unless, of course, I am mistaken as to what I read or how I am interpreting it.

You're right; we do have a document here somewhere that uses that term, and I'm not sure I've ever been comfortable with it 

Can you point us to it?

[isilme]

I think it may be here:

http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

[Auspicious]

I think it may be here:

http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

Yes, that's it, thanks!

Here it is in context:

Accept the Role of "Emotional Caretaker": According to Kraft Goin MD (University of Southern California), "borderlines need a person who is a constant, continuing, empathic force in their lives; someone who can listen and handle being the target of intense rage and idealization while concurrently defining limits and boundaries with firmness and candor".  To be in this type of relationship, you must accept the role as emotional caretaker - consistently staying above it. 

~ Maintaining routine and structure
~ Setting and maintain boundaries
~ Being empathetic, building trust, even in difficult times
~ Don’t tolerate abusive treatment, threats and ultimatums
~ In crisis, stay calm, don’t get defensive, don't take it personally
~ Don’t protect them from natural consequences of their actions - let them fail
~ Self-Destructive acts/threats require action

And at the same time, its important to understand that you and your behavior cannot rehabilitate anyone - you can only end your contribution to the emotional instability of the relationship. Rehabilitation requires an individual's deep personal commitment, consistently, and over time.