HELP: I Have Tons Of Anger

[Think About It...]

From all these years of dealing with the extremes of my BPDw's behaviors, it has caused me to develop much anger, bitterness, and hatred towards her.  I am probably more so angry at BPD than being angry at her if that makes any sense.

Does anyone have any tips on what I can do to lessen my ever growing anger towards my seemingly never-ending situation?  Thanks.

[goinbonkers]

From all these years of dealing with the extremes of my BPDw's behaviors, it has caused me to develop much anger, bitterness, and hatred towards her.  I am probably more so angry at BPD than being angry at her if that makes any sense.

Does anyone have any tips on what I can do to lessen my ever growing anger towards my seemingly never-ending situation?  Thanks.

[CaptainM]

My T used to liken anger to a rubber band - there are two things we need to do:

1) If the rubber band is too tight, we need to find a way to give it some slack before it snaps (and we explode or lash out)

2) We need to work on methods and techniques for not letting the rubber band get so tight again.

It sounds like at the moment you're probably more wanting to look at (1) because it feels really hard to work on controlling our anger when we feel so much of it.

Do you have any healthy outlets for your anger? Exercise/sport/meditation/video games etc? Do you have any ways to give your rubber band some slack when it gets too tight?

[goinbonkers]

i usually just sit around being angry and letting it build up.  i do not have explosive outbursts because my BPDw and i are not talking at this time.  i occasionally go for long walks but that doesn't seem to be doing the trick though.  i probably need to get back into the gym.

My T used to liken anger to a rubber band - there are two things we need to do:

1) If the rubber band is too tight, we need to find a way to give it some slack before it snaps (and we explode or lash out)

2) We need to work on methods and techniques for not letting the rubber band get so tight again.

It sounds like at the moment you're probably more wanting to look at (1) because it feels really hard to work on controlling our anger when we feel so much of it.

Do you have any healthy outlets for your anger? Exercise/sport/meditation/video games etc? Do you have any ways to give your rubber band some slack when it gets too tight?

[CaptainM]

i usually just sit around being angry and letting it build up.  i do not have explosive outbursts because my BPDw and i are not talking at this time.  i occasionally go for long walks but that doesn't seem to be doing the trick though.  i probably need to get back into the gym.

My T used to liken anger to a rubber band - there are two things we need to do:

1) If the rubber band is too tight, we need to find a way to give it some slack before it snaps (and we explode or lash out)

2) We need to work on methods and techniques for not letting the rubber band get so tight again.

It sounds like at the moment you're probably more wanting to look at (1) because it feels really hard to work on controlling our anger when we feel so much of it.

Do you have any healthy outlets for your anger? Exercise/sport/meditation/video games etc? Do you have any ways to give your rubber band some slack when it gets too tight?

The things that work best for me were activities that mimic the intensity of an anger outburst. Even though you're controlling your anger outbursts (which must be hard) I'm sure you could imagine it would feel relieving (in the short term) to just yell and scream. So activities that let you get aggression out are good.

Walks are nice and relaxing and are great for keeping that rubber band slack when it's already slack...but if you're wound up nice and tight you need an outlet. The gym is a good idea - for me if it was something that had some healthy competition, even better, so it didn't just exhaust me physically, it gave me an outlet for that anger in a positive way. I chose a team sport - I was pretty dodgy at it and it was just a social league so no one was too good but it was competitive, aggressive and a good way to meet new friends (so win win win).

The main thing is, if you get pent up, don't feel guilty for being angry or frustrated - you're already doing the right thing by not letting it out in a negative way, you now just have to find a positive outlet for your anger. If you do get to the gym, a punching bag does wonders.

Edit: Then again, what I just said seems to be the opposite of what some research is saying over on the Venting workshop so I guess it's horses for courses. For me, finding a positive outlet for frustration and anger worked when it was in conjunction with my number (2) (relaxation exercises to stop the rubber band building).

[united for now]

There are "healthy" and "unhealthy" ways of expressing your anger. Physical exercise or deep breathing are great ways to channel your anger  

Sitting and ruminating will keep the thoughts circling in your head - I know  


Are there activities that you enjoy, beside walking, that you could try to get more active and more involved?

[CodependentHusband]

I know it's much easier said than done, but I try to catch myself when I start to feel anger over something that is going on with my dBPDw. It's normal for me to get angry, but I try to internally look at two things: 1. Can I keep from showing her my anger? If not, I go somewhere so that she can't see it. Most of the time the other side of the house is far enough, but sometimes I have to leave for a little while. 2. Am I resenting her over what I am angry about? If I am, I remind myself just how mentally I'll she is because of her BPD. Usually that's enough for me to work my way through the tough days.

I now find that the really bad days are fewer and far between. The okay days number much higher than they used to, and the great days still come around a few days out of the month. This is what it is, and I can't change it. It's not ideal, but I have found what works pretty well for me.

[goinbonkers]

my therapist suggested that same thing, to do something aggressive and think about what is bothering me while I exert myself.

There are "healthy" and "unhealthy" ways of expressing your anger. Physical exercise or deep breathing are great ways to channel your anger  

Sitting and ruminating will keep the thoughts circling in your head - I know  


Are there activities that you enjoy, beside walking, that you could try to get more active and more involved?

[SmileAnyway]

GoinBonkers,  Hi!

Feel for you!  Hope you continue to get some good help on this.  I like what CaptainM and UFN have suggested.

I know I am splitting hairs here, but could indignation be a better descriptor than anger.  Anger is a feeling and can be present even without a stimuli, but indignation is defined as: "annoyance provoked by what is perceived as unfair."  Identifying the provocation is then they key to controlling anger.

I know what you are thinking - identify the provocation ! - I am in a r/s with a pwBPD - no brainer!
But it needs to be more specific than that. 

What triggers you specifically.

Once you know the trigger you can work on sourcing some of those neglected needs elsewhere (that's the ones that wont land you in more trouble!). 

Here are some suggestions for common areas of neglect:

  Feeling unloved / unappreciated... seek family and friends
 ;p  Loss of joy... (above) plus pursue hobbies, recreation, fellowship, time outs
  Loss of hope... foster spirituality, focus on children/grandchildren
  Bored... time out, walks, runs, gym, personal development course, distance learning, volunteer work

It may be that you need medicinal help too, herbal remedies - but always do this via your doctor and tell the doctor whats going on in your life, so they can help properly.

Wishing you well, wishing you peace.

Pat yourself on the back!  You are doing well.  Hang in there.

[goinbonkers]

thank you so much for that.  i could really use each and every one of your support right now.  my BPDw has filed for divorce.  i feel real bad right now.

SmileAnyway, all of those things you listed are exactly what I am going though.  i feel unfairly treated.  i've been feeling that way for years and years.  my BPDw honestly believes that i did things that i never even did.  its just crazy i tell you.  and there is no way to win as she will believes what she "feels" is the truth and nothing will deter her from her thoughts.  its just really strange.

GoinBonkers,  Hi!

Feel for you!  Hope you continue to get some good help on this.  I like what CaptainM and UFN have suggested.  

I know I am splitting hairs here, but could indignation be a better descriptor than anger.  Anger is a feeling and can be present even without a stimuli, but indignation is defined as: "annoyance provoked by what is perceived as unfair."  Identifying the provocation is then they key to controlling anger.

I know what you are thinking - identify the provocation ! - I am in a r/s with a pwBPD - no brainer!
But it needs to be more specific than that.  

What triggers you specifically.

Once you know the trigger you can work on sourcing some of those neglected needs elsewhere (that's the ones that wont land you in more trouble!).  

Here are some suggestions for common areas of neglect:

  Feeling unloved / unappreciated... seek family and friends
 ;p  Loss of joy... (above) plus pursue hobbies, recreation, fellowship, time outs
  Loss of hope... foster spirituality, focus on children/grandchildren
  Bored... time out, walks, runs, gym, personal development course, distance learning, volunteer work

It may be that you need medicinal help too, herbal remedies - but always do this via your doctor and tell the doctor whats going on in your life, so they can help properly.

Wishing you well, wishing you peace.

Pat yourself on the back!  You are doing well.  Hang in there.

[SmileAnyway]

Hi GoingBonkers,

I am sorry for you right now that it is getting worse before it gets better.  I hope there will be some relief for you soon.  You summed it up well as 'crazy' - unfortunately they are mentally ill and what feels real to them feels very real.

Try looking at the lessons, particularly lesson 4 which helps us to survive confrontation and disrespect and lesson 5, finding inner strength and hope: http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913191#msg913191

Take care of YOU!